And he said I love you
by jusAgurl93x
Summary: Kyle has always had a place in his heart for Cartman, He was really was in love with him. But he moved on, decideing Cartman would never feel the same. He came out, Stan did too.They fell in love But cartman now realizes he's in love with kyle too.
1. Chapter 1 How it began

Somtimes I hate myself.  
I know things would be so much eaiser If I just liked girls.

My parents wouldnt be disapointed,  
My friends wouldnt hate me.  
I would have a normal life.

I just wish things could go back to the way they were before,  
But I know, Things wont ever be the same.

* * *

I guess I should start at the beginning of how this started.

I'm Kyle Brofloski, I am a jew and I am..  
I'm .. a homosexual.

I found out in forth grade,  
This might sound a little odd and not my taste  
but I was over at Stan's house one night and he asked me to get Shelly's cell phone  
out of her room because we wanted to prank call people she knew,  
while he got potato chips.

It was sweet because we had his whole house to ourselves!  
His parents were out at a meeting and Shelly was at a sleepover.

Anyway,  
I Go into her room grab the cell phone, turned around and noticed something on her computer..  
Guys.

Lots of them.  
In little boxers and six packs and for some reason,  
I couldnt look away.

I looked around to make sure no one was there and clicked some other things on her computer..

I didn't even realize what I was doing until Stan called my name from the other room and I jumped,  
and quickly clicked out of everything, "coming!" I yelled.

For the first few days, the feeling didn't go away.  
I thought this was no big deal, Just a one time thing right?  
Like everyone must feel like that one point in their life.. right?

But a few months later it got really weird..  
I think I started to develop a crush on..  
ugh,I hate to say this..  
Eric Cartman.

Dont laugh.  
Its not funny.  
Its humiliating.  
I mean how could I?  
I hate him!

One day In class I just noticed the way his brown hair looks,  
and his eyes, so conservative so amazing..  
OK I'm stopping there!  
Ok, so you get the picture.

we walked by me or talked to me I would get this weird feeling in my stomach.  
I tried to act normal as possible and I could never admit to myself that I actually..  
I actually.. Liked him.

I knew then I was a fag.  
Strangely, I don't feel any bad about it.  
Now that I think about it I've never really liked any girls in that way.  
my crush on Cartman wore off when my feelings figured out,  
me and him would NEVER happen.

* * *

Six months later, Stan hasn't been talking for awhile, to anyone.  
And it seemed like he was.. avoiding me or somthing.  
and when I did see him, he would duck down in his arms.

He didn't answer my phone calls,  
and when I tried to talk to him he'd answer yes or no, and  
'I know what you mean' this lasted for about a week.  
I got sick and tired of it and when we walked off the bus I turn to him

"Stan? What's going on! Why are you acting so weird lately?!"

Stan glanced around nervously  
"Its uh, nothing. Really."

I crossed my arms.  
"Well I don't believe it!"

Stan looked at me, like he hasn't in a long time  
"Kyle, really its nothing. Its no big deal."

"No big deal?!" I threw my hands in the air,  
"You don't even talk to your best friend anymore and its no big deal?!"  
I poked his chest.

Stan looked at me with sad eyes.  
I toke a deep breath and used a calmer tone  
"Stan"  
I put my hand on his back

"You're my best friend dude.  
There's something going on and I want to know what"

Stan closed his eyes and toke a breath.  
"You really wanna know?" he asked with his eyes still closed.  
"YES!"  
"ok, fine dude. You asked for it."

He walked around me then looked at me.  
"I'm gay Kyle. Ok, That's it. I'm gay."

I store at him with eyes wide open,  
I was speechless..  
"you.. you uh." I searched for words

"Yeah I'm gay Kyle! I like guys ok? Are you happy now!"  
his voice got louder

"Your best friends a homo! Now are you happy?!"  
He frowned, then looked down, as if he was about to cry,

"I'm a homo." he said.

I still couldn't talk..  
_Was this a dream?_ I thought.

"Uhh.. Um… but what about Wendy?"

He looked up at me and smirked,  
"Fuck Wendy.I never really liked her anyway."

"Stan, shes been your girlfriend for like, forever."

"Yeah, that was when I thought I was straight. we were just kids Kyle,  
I never loved her, I just liked the idea of having a girlfriend.  
I never even had a real crush.."

Stan looked at me, with the most serious face I ever seen him.  
"Until I saw you that one day."

I tried to say something.. ANYTHING!  
Like my voice didn't work,  
**_This had to be a dream, _**I thought.  
**_This couldn't really be happening._**

He read the look on my face  
"I don't know"  
He pinched between his eyes.  
"Two weeks ago when you gave that presentation to the class..  
You know the one about Saturn?  
I just felt.. I don't know, Different."

He stared at me,  
waiting for me to say something.  
When I didn't he started walking away.

"Stan wait!" I darted after him.  
He looks at me.

"Stan, there's something I have to tell you too.."  
I think of a way to say it.

"Im, uh"  
Stan eyes look confused.  
"well.. I'm a homosexual too.."

Stan's surprised look then turned into a frown.  
"No, you aren't. You just want to make me feel better."  
he turns around and starts to walk, but I put out my hand and stop him.

"Stan! I really am. I'm not lying."  
He crocked his head. "Really?" He asked.  
"really."  
"wow."

We both didn't say anything. Silence toke over.  
"Well.. I guess I better be heading home" Stan said, breaking the silence.  
"Yeah me too."I said rubbing my green hat uncompterablyI start walking.

"Kyle!" I hear Stan say a few meters behind me.  
I turn around.

"I know this is weird and all. But um,  
would you ever think of me.. You know, as a boyfriend?"

I smile, I got a warm feeling in my stomach.  
"good chance Stan" I said.  
He smiled then we walked Seperate ways.

The next day he broke up Wendy.  
And he kept flirting and dropping hints he liked me,  
I am really starting to like him too.  
I never thought of it before but now that its happening..  
I was really starting to like it.

A few days later we started 'going out'  
We didn't tell anyone, But I wanted too.  
were making out behind the bleachers after a Cows game.

"Stan" I said between kisses,  
"what" he asked still kissing me.  
"Well.."*kiss "I've been thinking"  
*kiss kiss."what" *kiss  
I pull him away,

"come on, no more make out conversations." I said.  
He laughed.  
"sure. What's up?"

"well.. We've been dating awhile now, and I was thinking,  
you know if we can tell some people."

Stan made a twisted look. "Like, coming out or something?"  
he asked.  
"yeah."

Stan sat down on the dirt and pinched his eyebrows.

"I don't know. I mean, Do you want to?"  
"I want too,  
I'm sick of being at school and acting like there's nothing  
going on between us. Like in front of people we have to be trapped as 'friends'"

"Aren't you worried what people with think of us Kyle?"  
he asked.

"Its who we are Stan. And if they don't like it, tough."

"what about Cartman?" he squinted his eyebrows.  
"what about him?"I ask.

"Well, he rips on you now, imagine how he'll react when he figers out your gay!  
No, when he figgers out WERE gay!" He holds his arms out.

"Fuck Cartman" I said.

"He can say what he wants" I replied.  
"Ok.." Stan looks deep in thought."what about your mom?"  
I'm about to answer, then stop myself.

_My mom?_ I think.  
I haven't even thought about her.  
She'll probably disown me.

I got a flashback of when we went to our jewbilee scouts  
and there were two parents (two dads)  
dropping their kid off and my mom went on about how disrespectful it is,  
and how agenst Jewish culture it is.

I shake the memory out of my head.  
"Well.. She's going to have to deal with it."  
Stan stands up,

"If you really want too.. I mean someone's going to find out sooner or later."  
I smile, and kiss him on the cheek.  
"Thanks Stan"

He leans in and kisses me on the lips  
and we start making out again.  
A few days later we finally got up the courage to tell people.

"Are you sure this is what you want?"  
he asked me nervously.  
"Yeah" I smiled.

We start walking, then I looked at him,  
"wait.. is this what You want?  
I mean If you don't want to tell other people.."

"I want too" Stan cut me off. He smiled.  
"If your ready, Im ready." he smiled.

I kissed him on the lips, and he kissed harder.  
"You know what?"  
"what?" he asked.

"I think I'm.. I think I'm falling in love with you"  
He leans in closer "I already have." he said.  
I smile and we start kissing again..

And that was just the beggining..

* * *

Okay, so thats explaining it :)  
hope you liked the beggining  
Soo much more is going to happen I promisee


	2. Chapter 2 Fights

I'm standing outside Stan's house, waiting for him to come out.  
He finally comes out and waves to me,  
runs up to me,

"ready?"  
"Ready" I said.  
And we walked hand in hand, to the bus stop.  
when Cartman looked at us he widened his eyes

"What the fuck?! HAHA you guys look like fags!What the hell,  
why are you holding his hand you fagget? You guys finally come out of the closet!?"  
he points at us.

Stan looks down,  
He probably regrets this already.  
I hold his hand tighter,

"yeah we did."  
I say with confidence.

"Hahahaha wait.. What?" Cartman stops laughing.  
"yeah fattass.. As you said, were coming out of the closet. Ok so shut your fucking face!"

he froze. didn't say anything. then  
.."HAHA!" He broke the silence.  
"Stan and Kyle sittin in a tree.." he started singing.

"I don't know about this kyle.."  
Stan said with his head hanging down.  
"Don't worry" I whisper to him.  
"He's just an immature asshole What did you expect?"  
Stan let go of my hand.

"Kyle, I just.. I just don't know" he said,  
and his back turned to me.  
"Ah, we were just kidding Cartman, we wanted to see the look on your face!"  
Cartman froze again.  
"oh.. well you guys are still queer."  
Kenny never look never fazed.

I cant believe this.. What just happened?  
The bus pulled up,  
"come on you guys"he said.

We went on the bus,  
Ok I'm confused! Stan sat next to Kenny.. usually he'd sit by me but..I guess not. ,  
I sat next to Cartman. He frowned,

"What the hell are you doing?"  
"I'm sitting here."  
"why aren't you sitting by your little boyfriend Stan?"  
I'm getting angry.

"I DON'T KNOW, ask him!?"  
I fold my arms and look straight gives me a puzzled look,  
then looks back at Stan.  
"AYE! Your boyfriend wants to know why your not sitting with him!"  
**_  
What Cartman doesn't know is he really IS my boyfriend..  
or he was a few minneutes ago_.**

"Fuck off Cartman! I uh.. I had to tell Kenny something"  
Stan called back.  
Kenny raised his eyebrow, "mph?"

It kept running through my head,  
why didn't Stan stand up for me? For us? What's his problem?  
He acted like this is all a big joke.  
Well Its not.

And sitting next to Cartman isn't any better,  
he just keeps jabbering on and on about how gay I am..  
what a stupid asshole.

That got me thinking,  
If Cartman is like this now, thinking its all a joke,  
what will he be like if he finds out I really am gay?  
He's is talking but I'm not listening to in my own thoughts..  
how could Stan do this to me?

"…LISTEN TO ME YOU ASSHOLE!" I heard Cartman this time.  
"Cartman.. I'm really not in the mood right now."  
"Oh I see. Its that time of the month huh kyle? I guess its true what they say about Jews about.."  
"Just shut the fuck up already ok!"  
The whole bus went quiet.  
Guess I said that alittle too loud.

I get off the bus and head straight for my locker.  
Not even glancing back to see Stan.  
I am so fucking mad at him right now.  
I cant believe it. He's such an asshole!  
He says one thing then does another,  
god I fucking hate him right now!

I open my locker, grab my books, slam it then  
head towards class.  
Stan was in my physics class..Who cares, I wont even look at him.  
The class began and our teacher started talking about Worldly insinuators.

5 minuets later I hear a  
"PSSST.. Kyle" from behind me.  
"kyle.. Kyle!"  
Stan whispers behind me.  
I look at him, and flip him off.  
And work back on my paper.  
Few seconds later Craig taps on my shoulder,  
"Stan told me to pass it to you" he said.  
I take the note and open it.

I'm sorry dude  
-s

I flipped the paper over and started writing

Fuck you.  
-k

and gave it craig. 6 secounds later craig passed another note to me.  
"Tell him I'm not interested"  
I said without taking the note.  
"He says he's not interested I heard Craig say.  
rest of class never made me any less angry.Z

Thd Next classes I didn't have with him which was a relief.  
I got a chance to calm myself down.  
lunch came I sat at a different table.  
I sat next to butters and were starring at me as soon as I sat down.

"You don't usually sit here" said Clyde.  
"I know." I said dully.  
"so.. You don't usually sit here, but your sitting here."  
"yeah."  
"oh." was his only response.

then started eating and talking to token about the game On Saturday  
night. The rest of the day was a drag.  
Me and Stan had two more classes together  
and he didn't even bother trying to talk to me.  
didn't even look at me.

Well That's just fine!  
I start jolting down random notes on my paper,  
in anger and broke my pencil led.. _fantastic._

We got back on the bus and I sat in the front.  
I don't want to be anywhere near Stan.  
Even if I sit with Cartman,  
Stan was a seat away.  
Plus I don't want to hear Cartmans crap right now.  
The whole ride back I just store out the window seemed like ages when It finally got to my stop,  
and I raced off and immediately headed home.

"Kyle wait!"I heard Stan behind me.  
I can hear his footsteps running towards me,  
he caught up and stood in front of me.

"Ok, listen, we need to talk."

"Oh really?! I wouldn't have guessed!" I snapped.

"Kyle listen.. I'm really sorry about what happened at the bus stop this morning,  
it shouldn't have happened."  
"I know that wasn't suppose to happen!  
How could you do that to me?  
YOU said you were JUST FINE with telling people were together!"

"I know I know!"  
Stan put his head in his hands  
"But It just felt weird, I mean Cartman would tell everyone!"  
"That was kind of the point!" I yelled back.  
"look, cant we just date but without anyone knowing?  
You know what it would be like having to walk everywhere and being called a homo?  
Its scary kyle."

I store into those dark brown eyes of his,  
The ones I thought were loyal to me all those years.. I guess now they weren't.

"Well I cant be with someone who's ashamed of me!"  
"I'm not ashamed of you Kyle I just.."  
"Why do you care so much about what other people think!"I scream.  
I feel like smoke is coming out of my ears!  
Stan doesn't say anything,  
Just looks at the ground.  
I feel the tears come in,

"Your breaking my heart Stan.."  
He looks up. I'm crying. And I run home.

The worst part is..  
_He didn't even run after me._


	3. Chapter 3 Hard times

I Don't remember how long I've been in here.  
Two hours? Maybe Three?

I put blankets over my window so no light shines through.  
I'm not in a very bright mood right now.

I just want to sit in the dark and cry.  
I guess its better if were not together.  
I mean, if he was that ashamed of being gay,  
then that just means he cant handle being himself  
because others wont like it.

Is that really the kind of guy I want?  
Suddenly the door opens,  
Big crack of light peers into my room,  
it hurt my eyes to look at it.

"Kyyyyyle"Ike walked in.

"Go away Ike, I need to be alone right now."  
"We play BeeBall?"  
"No Ike. Go away"  
Ike's face expression turned sad,  
then walked out of the room.

I just felt like crying.  
He said he's already fallen in love with me.  
doesn't that matter more then what other people think?  
A knock came on the door. They didn't even wait for me to yell go away.

"Kyle, Its time for supper"  
I pulled the blankets over my head  
"Go away ma"  
"Kyle, Bubby what's wrong?"  
"Nothing mom, I don't feel good"  
"You looked fine this morning, let me go get your father"  
" mom no.." she left before I could seconds later my dad came in.

"Kyle, you okay?"  
"I'm fine dad"  
"your mother said there's something wrong"  
"nothing wrong here."

"Kyle.. Kyle come out from under there."  
I tried to fight him pulling the covers off me but I couldn't.  
he looked at my face full of tears  
"Kyle, Kyle what's wrong?"  
"Dad, Its nothing. Really, just go away"  
"No, no what's wrong?" he sat at the end of my bed.  
"Girl problems?"  
_**I wish.**_

"not exactly."  
"well what wrong son?"  
"well.. Me and Stan had a fight."  
"Oh, well that's fine, friends fight all the time."  
"Well dad.."  
_**me and Stan aren't just friends,um dad, me and Stan are more then friends**_..

I don't know how to say it.

"what's wrong?"  
**_Dad, I'm gay. that's what's wrong._**  
"nothing."

He looked at me with concern and patted my back.  
"well, Ill let you sort this one out on your own ,but always know I'm here for you."I smile at him.  
"Wait dad.."  
"yeah Kyle?"  
**_Should I tell him? How do I tell him?_**

"uh.. nothing."  
"well ok Kyle, get some rest. I'll tell your mother your not feeling well."  
"thanks dad."he smiled And shut door.  
That sounds good.  
Sleep sounds good.

all that crying gave me a huge headache.  
I'll go to sleep.

* * *

I didn't go to school the next morning.  
I convinced my mom I was too sick to go to school.  
which is good for now.  
_you have to see Stan eventually,_ my conscious said. "ughh.."  
I dread the day I see stan what happened? No way dude.  
I slept the whole day.

Next day, I HAD to go to school.

I hated walking towards the bus stop.  
I hate knowing I'm going to see Stan.  
I shouldn't be here,  
I should be in my room feeling sorry for myself.

I get to the stop and Kenny Cartman and Stan stare at me.  
"You look like crap." first thing Cartman said.  
"Thanks douchbag I didn't notice." I shot sarcastically.

I know I really did look like shit. I have a reddish face from crying so much,  
Bags under my eyes, I didn't do my hair, and parts of it are outside my hat..  
"No, you really do look like shit. One day of being sick and you like that? Jesus fucking balls"  
Cartman sneered. I rolled my eyes and ignored him. Stan looks at me, "You ok dude?" he looks sympathetic,  
"No I'm not ok." lower my voice "dude."Stan looks so sad, I almost feel bad for him, But I stop myself from  
getting that far. Stan starts "Kyle I.." the bus pulled up and he dropped the subject.

I sit in the frount.  
Stan walks up to me,

"Kyle please sit by us."  
I frown "I don't want to be anywhere near you."  
"Ok, kyle don't you think your taking this alittle too far?"  
I look at him blankly.

_Was I taking this too far?_

"Please dude, come in the back and sit with us."  
I don't reply but get up and follow him to the patted the seat next to him,  
But I sit next to Cartman.  
"This is MY seat asshole." He says to me.  
"Yeah well I'm sitting in it fatass so Its not yours!"

"yes it is! I've been sitting in it sense.. sense a long time butt licker!"  
"Whatever."  
I turn around in the seat.  
I can feel Stan starring at me. Im school, and I'm at my locker,  
I close it and Stan's right there. He doesn't look too happy.

"You know what Kyle!?  
If you want to be mad, fine! Be mad!  
I don't care anymore!" He said and he walks away.

Why didn't I say anything back?  
I couldn't think of anything. God, I feel worse then the other day,  
No the other day I was mad. Now I feel almost deppressed.  
_Maybe I was taking this alittle too far._

I sat at lunch with token and Clyde again,  
and I've noticed Stan hasn't talked to me at all.  
Whenever I look his way he looks mad.  
Well fine! Let him be pissed.

Though I know inside Ive never felt so low in my life.

I sit in the front on the way I get off and started walking home,  
I expected to see Stan, running, or trying to talk to me.  
But he hasn't.I look back and he's walking home.  
I feel a knot in my stomach.  
This cant be happening.

I get home,  
I tried to keep the tears in,  
I really tried But they came busting out anyway as soon  
as I walked in the door. So much for being mature.

"Kyle? Bubbala! What's wrong! What the matter?"  
My mom hugs me.  
"Um, nothings wrong ma"  
"Oh come here bubby You can tell your mother anything."

**_Can I?_**

**_"_**Kyle.. Kyle listen to me, This has been happening for too long.  
Usually I just let you sort out your problems like your father said  
but I cant stand by to see my little bubby cry now what is going on young man?!"

I look at her,  
She looks so sad.  
She looks really sad.  
I take a deep breath,  
now's the time to tell her.

"honey its ok, what is it?"  
"mom, there's been something I've been wanting to tell you."  
"Oh, and what's that bubby?"  
"mom.. I'm….  


* * *

The rest is in rhe next chapter :)  
hope you liked this one.  
Btw, I havent got any reviews..I feel unloved.  
lol, but please review, Id like that :)


	4. Chapter 4 Old memories

"Mom, What If I told you.. Well, what If I told I am agenst something in Jewish tradition?"  
"Well I don't know Kyle, what is it?"

I take a deep breath,  
_**well here it goes.  
"**_mom, I don't.. I don't like girls."  
"Oh, well that's what you think now but your only In ninth grade,  
Give it some time bubby."

"No ma, I mean, I don't like girls because.. I like boys."  
Her eyes widened,  
"What?!"  
her voice made me jump.  
"No, No kyle, your not gay. You cant be gay!Your jewish!  
Its wrong and agenst our people! Your not gay Your just confused kyle, Ok?  
Your just confussed!"

"Mom, Im not confussed, I know I am, Ive known for a long time!"  
"No, you are not a homosexual! None of my boys will be!"  
I feel tears building up.  
dad came home, and saw us.

"Hey, what's going on here?"  
"Oh Gerald! You have a talk with your son. He.. He thinks he's gay!"  
My moms face looked horrified.  
My dad kneeled down next to me  
"Is that true Kyle? Are you sure your not just confused?"  
Now I really am crying now.

"Damn it! I'm not confused!"  
I run up to my room and slam the door.  
I laid on my bed and let all my sobs out.  
"Now see what you did?" I hear my dad yell downstairs  
"Me? He thinks he's gay!" I hear my mom.

I cant believe my own parents.. don't they love me for who I am.  
I know its agenst our religion but Its not like I had a choice.

I can still hear them arguing downstairs, Its been about ten minutes  
Maybe I shouldn't have told her.

**_well thats it. I Cant take it anymore! I cant take their fighting!_** I thought.

I climb out my window, I have to get out of here.  
I'm walking down the street thinking of a place to go.  
I didn't think It would be so fucking cold out.

* * *

I tug my orange jacket closer.  
Where can I go?  
Stan's? No fucking way.  
Kennys house? No, It would probably be just as cold there.  
I look up to see where I was walking and I was right in front of Cartman's  
_**Might as well.**_

I get on his door step and ring the doorbell.  
"Moom! Answer the door!" I heard cartman  
"Ok, poopsikins" she opened the door,  
"Uh, hi. Is Cartman home?"  
"Yes he is." she said, leading me inside.  
"hun, one of your little friends are here to see you."  
Cartman glared at her, "ok mom."  
She disappeared into the kitchen.

"what the hell are you doing here?"  
"Cartman, I really need a place to stay for the night.  
Me and my parents are fighting and I just cant go back there."  
Cartman looks at me thoughtfully.  
"Why don't you try Stan's house?"

Ugh, The thought of Stan makes me cringe.  
I frown "Were not on speaking terms right now."  
It looked like Cartman was thinking about it then said  
"fine Jew. You get the couch."  
**_really? He letting me just like that? Something's not right here.._**

"uh, thanks" was all I could make out. he nodded.  
"But not right now! After Terrance and Phillip is over"he said changing the channel.  
"Your watching terrance and philip? Sweet dude"  
I sat on the couch next to him.  
"..yeah." he answered slowly then looked back to the TV.

Before I knew it we had chips, cheesy poofs, and snakie cakes, in front of us,  
with blankets and we sat there laughing at the forth episode of terrance and Phillip we were watching.  
A commercial hit, "Man, that one was super killer, I was laughing my balls off" Cartman laughed.  
"yeah, I think that was a new episode"  
"Was it?"  
"pretty sure."  
"oh."

Cartman both went for the same chip and the same time  
and touched each others hand, We looked at each other and he laughed nervously,  
I laughed too. But we never moved our hands away from each other.  
The first couple seconds we just store at each other.  
I was looking into his hazel brown eyes, lost in them. I started getting that old feeling,  
It brung me back to a time when I used to have a crush on him along time ago..  
I started slowly moving my hand away, and he quickly moved his.  
He starts laughing akwardly, then looked at the TV,

and terrance farted in phillops face and me and him start bursting out in laughter.  
I would have never thought Id have this much fun with Cartman.  
The way were talking and laughing almost reminds me of..Me and Stan.  
I suddenly felt my stomach drop thinking of it. I guess Cartman read my mind.

"What's wrong?"  
**_Sense when does he care?_**

I opened my mouth to replie that, then shut it.  
I think its one of those really rare times when he actually wants to know.  
"Nothing. Just Stan and.."  
"God Enough with Stan already!" Cartman yelled  
I looked and him, _**what the fuck was wrong with him?  
**_He realized how he reacted, Then cleared his throat

"Uh.. what I meant to say dear kahl is,  
You don't need butt hole Stan. Its always about Stan isn't it?  
Always about you and Stan. I'm so sick of Stan!" He's frowning.

"Cartman, what are you talking about?"  
I feel my checks burn up.  
"uh.." he clears his throat again.  
"I just mean.. he's not a very good friend to you that's all."  
**What the hell got into Cartman?**

"Not a good friend to me? Of Corse he's a good friend to me!  
We've been through everything together!"  
Cartman looks really annoyed at this point,  
"That's why I hate him." he muttered under his breath.  
"what?" I didn't hear him.  
"Nothing"

It was pretty quiet the rest of the night.  
I eventually fell asleep on the couch while cartman was still sitting there.  
He noticed I fell asleep And pulled blankets over me and smiled,

"goodnight kahl" he whispered.

* * *

I dont think that chapter was THAT good,  
But It'll do. :)


	5. Chapter 5 The talk

I woke up to the sound of Cartman's shrieking voice,  
"No mom! I wanted tuna egg Sandwhich! Not tuna egg salad  
What the hells wrong with you?!"

"Oh, I'm sorry hun" Mrs. cartman takes it away, "I'll make it again."  
and kisses the top of his head.

Sometimes I really feel bad for her,  
How can Cartman treat her like that?  
oh yeah, hes an asshole.

I start thinking back,  
Last night he wasent an asshole..  
I think last night was the first time  
In my life I acctually enjoyed his company.

"Oh hey kaaaaaaaahl" cartman smiled sweetly at me.  
noticing I was up. "Care to breakfeast with me this morning?"  
Why is he being so nice to me?

"Uh, sure cartman."  
This is weird, wait is he accualy smiling at me?  
ok cross that, this is extreamily weird.

"Want something for breakfest kaaaaahl?"  
he asked in asked in a sweet tone.  
"um.. sure.

"MOM! make kyle somthing to eat!" he yelled  
"ok hun" she called from the next room.

Cartman started eating his tuna sandwhich  
"You know Cartman, You dont need to be mean to  
Your mom like that."

Cartman froze, and put down his sandwhich  
he was about to eat, "eh..what?"

**_ugh, whatever I shouldnt even bother._**

"nothing."  
He shrugs and goes back to the sandwhich.

"hello kyle, I made you what erics having.  
Hope you like it" she hands it to me and  
gives me a sunshine smile.  
"Thanks mrs. cartman" I smile back at her.

"What are you doing Cartman?"  
"Im eating a tuna sandwhich."  
"No, I mean why are you being nice to me  
all the sudden?"  
He frowns, "What, you want me to be mean to you?"  
"oh no no"  
**_nevermind.. Change the subject quick._**

"Well, thanks for letting me stay the night Cartman  
I really appreciate it."  
He stares at his sandwhich. "Uh huh."

"Well, I guess I should get going,  
I feel kind of bad for just leaving the  
house last night."

"Oh, uh ok. well then ah. see you later I guess."  
his face almost looks.. sad.  
Is he sad about me leaving?  
No, he could be. this is eric cartman were talking about.

I head for the door, "Well see you later dude. thanks again."  
"yeah. hah, no problum, uh jew. ha ha"  
"um...yeah. later"

I shut the door behind me.  
Ok, that was a weird experience.

I get nervous heading home to my house,  
_**please dont make my mom bitch at me about all this**_  
I open the door, "mom?"

"Kyle!" she runs towards me and gives me a hug  
"Kyle! You got me worried sick, I am furrious!  
You are grounded Mister."

"Grounded? Mom I just had to clear my head."  
"yes well kyle, running away is not the answer.  
now march up to your room."  
I stomp my way up the stairs.  
"Oh, and kyle?"  
I look at her,  
"You me and your father are you going to talk..  
about what you told us last night. ok bubby?"

"um, ok mom."  
"oh and bubby?"  
I stop walking up the stairs again.  
"You friend stan called, be sure to call him later."

Stan? stan called me?

I walk into my room, alone with my thoughts.  
I really miss stan..

* * *

Hours later a knock came to my door,  
"Kyle, Its your Dad, can me and your mother have  
a talk with you?"

"Ok dad" I called.

I was at my computer desk and turned around in  
My chair.  
Dad sat at the end of my bed.

"Kyle, About you saying you think  
Your.....homosexual. I want you to know that you have  
me and your mothers full support."  
His mother frowned.  
"Ok my support. Well, your mother still doesnt believe its  
right but.. I think, If your happy, then great."

I smile, atleast my dads there for me.  
My mother nooded and walked out of my room.  
"Kyle, I love you just the way you are,  
and If you happen to have a.." he paused for few secounds  
"boyfriend, kyle, your mom will just have to get used to it."

"Thanks dad" I hug him.

"I should probably tell Ike.."  
"Ike doesnt care, we already told him."  
"oh."

"Well, I'll leave you alone now.  
Just wanted to let you know."

"thanks." I smile.

When my dad left I started thinking of stan..  
I wish more people were happy with the way they  
were.

* * *

I hope that was ok,  
Oh and by the way, I got  
some comments on my spelling.  
haha sorry :(  
I'll work on that, Im one of those  
fast typers. lol, Ill try to do better.


	6. Chapter 6 Apologies

I saw stan walking up to us at the bus stop,  
His head was down and It looked like,  
Well It looked like he hasent slept in days.  
He walks up to us and stands next to kenny.

Cartman raised an eyebrow at him,  
"What the hell happened to you?"  
"Nothing Cartman, Just leave me alone."  
He answered without looking at him.

Cartman opened his mouth to say something, then shut it.  
I started getting a sick feeling in my stomach when I saw him like that.

The Bus pulled up and I sat next tokenny.  
Cartman and Stan were in the seat in front of us.  
Stan Burried himself in his arms ontop on the seat as soon as he sat down.  
Cartman looked at kenny,

"What the hells wrong with him"  
"Merph mer merr" he shrugged.

"Stan?" I asked And I touched his shoulder,  
He didn't say anything. He didn't move.  
I felt, I just felt so bad. He looked horrible.

"Stan, Ok what the hell is wrong with you!"Cartman pressed.  
"Cartman please.." I stopped him. He looked at me.  
"Just don't."

I waited for him to make a smartass remark or a  
'shut up jew' but instead he just turned around.  
_Somthing seems wrong with him today  
_ He never used to listen to me.  
This has to be a trick or something,  
he's probably planning something.. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid.

Noone really talked much on the way to school. It was quiet.. Too quiet..  
I wounder whats going on with stan.

* * *

I Get to my locker and take my books out.  
_** Oh, my god, whats wrong with stan**_ I keep thinking.

I shut my locker and turn around.  
"Stan" I say when I see him standing behind me.

"Kyle.. I was thinking and.. You were right"  
he looked up at me.

"What?"  
Stan grabed my hand and lead me through the hallways,  
"Stan? Stan, what are you doing?" I ask him,  
as hes tugging me to our class.

He turns to face me,  
without letting go of my hand.  
"Something I should have done along time ago kyle."  
He leaned in, then stopped, he looked around and pulled me behind a corner  
and kissed me.

He held my shoulders agenst the wall and kissed me..  
My eyes were wide open as he was kissing me, then I slowly closed  
My eyes and kissed him back.  
I missed this so much.

All the noises in the backround and the walls around us,  
everything but us just disappeared.  
It felt like, we were the only two people in the world.

I wanted to say in that moment forever.

Then he slowly pulled him self away,  
"I love you.. the last couple days sucked without you. I really missed you.  
He laughed, "I learned somthing today, when your a homosexual and blow your boyfried  
Off its not cool. and.." I laughed. He was just kidding.  
It reminded me back of when we were young.

"Stop it" I laugh at him.  
he smiles, "Ok, but I was wrong kyle. what I really learned is that you  
shouldnt be ashamed of what you are,  
and if other people dont like you then..then screw them"  
I lean in to kiss him again, and he kissed back.  
I swear from the corner of my eye I saw someone look at us then quickly run around the corner,  
But I don't care.

Let the world see.|  
I want the world to know I'm in love with my super best friend.


	7. Chapter 7 Came out

We held each others hand as we walked into the lunch room,  
Everyone we passed turned their head and starred,

Some looked shocked their mouths hung open,  
others eyes bulged open and their eyes followed us till we got to our table.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I whisper to Stan  
"I'm sure" he smiles.

We sit down  
"..and then she smelled it and puked!"  
Cartman starts laughing to Kenny.  
Unaware we sat down.

He looked at us, His eyes shifted between me and Stan  
various of times andHad this expression on his face I've never seen,  
a really shocked look.

Then he frowned  
"What the hell? You guys really are fags!"  
**_I don't want to put Stan through this_** I thought.  
Stan read my mind and smiled at me and turned to Cartman

"Cartman, We like each other ok? don't make a big deal out of it. We like guys,  
so what, a lot of people in this town are gay."

"But.. You cant.. I mean, You, him?"  
He stuttered his words,and rubbed his head.  
"Oh man."

What the hell is wrong with him?  
Right now he would be acting hysterical and scream down the halls that were fags.  
Right now he would be Laughing and pointing in our face, being the asshole he is.

Instead he just sits there rubbing his head.  
Whats wrong with him?  
This isn't the Eric Cartman I know.

"Merh meh ma mer mah mah mer meh" (Its about fucking time you come out)  
"What are you talking about Kenny?" Stan questioned.  
Kenny laughed. "Mer meh, mah mah mer mehh" (Trust me, I know this stuff)

Cartman is starring down at his food moving around his Macaroni with his fork.  
He's been doing that for five minneutes' now and hasn't even had a bite.

"Whats wrong with you Cartman?" I confrount.

He drops his fork and looks at me.  
"Whats wrong? Whats wrong is my supposive 'friends' are fucking gay ass fags!  
that's not cool.. Im telling you guys right now,"  
he puts a finger down on the table  
"that's not cool."

Stan raised his voice  
"Cartman If you cant handle us being the way we are then,  
you can just find other friends!"

"Fine!"  
"Fine!"  
Cartman picks up his tray and stands up,  
"Fine! that's fine! I don't need you asshole fagots anyway!"

He stormed off to another table.  
"He's an asshole." Stan says watching him

"Stan.. I think there's something really wrong with him."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well, don't you think Cartman would be a little more drastic about us coming out?  
You know the whole Na na na na na na, pointing and laughing in our face and screaming  
it to the whole world kind of thing?"

Stan thought about it.  
"Hey, your right. Something is up with him."

Someone tapped my shoulder, I turned around and two older kids I don't recognize stand there,  
"Are you guys like gay are something?"Said the boy,  
"Yeah we saw you holding hands coming into the cafeteria."The girl added.

"Yeah. We are. So?" Stan glared  
They looked at each other and started smirking,  
"Oh.. Ok" they said turned and laughed as they walked away.

"Just ignore them Kyle." he said to me.  
"Oh Kyle, where were you last time I called?  
Your mom said she didn't know where you were."

"Oh," I toke a bite of my broccoli.  
"I spent the night at cartmans."

Stan raised his eyebrow,  
"You…you what?"  
I sighed.  
**_Maybe I shouldn't have told him that, _**a little voice inside me taud.

"Me and my parents were fighting.. I.. I just had to get away."  
"So you went over to Cartmans?"

"I had nowhere else to go dude. I couldn't go to your house, we were still fighting."  
he frowned, "Why didn't you go over to Kenny's?"

"I, I was too far away from Kenny's house." I lied.

"Oh ok." Stan looked down at the table, then raised his head.  
"What did you and your parents fight about?"

I looked at him with a serious face.  
"Stan. I told them."  
Stan held his mouth open,  
"You what?!"  
"Well, I felt like they had a right to know. They would have found out one way or another Stan."  
"Dude! Their gunna hate me now!" Stan gasped

"No! I dont even know If they know were.. you know, dating."  
Stan didn't respond.

I don't know why, But I keep thinking about Cartman.  
What is wrong with him?  
He was totally cool when I spent the night over there,  
But he went out of his mind a few minutes ago.

I was interrupted in my thoughts when I noticed in the corner of my eye,  
Wendy Testaburger was starring at me.I looked at her, she's giving me the evil eye,  
She looks pissed.  
"Stan look" I pointed out.  
she looked away when she noticed Stan looked at her.

"Just ignore her." he advised.

Later in the day,  
wherever me and stan went, were followed by whispers and finger pointings.

When we came into a room, everyone went quiet, then when we left I could hear our names said.

"I gotta go to my next class, See you after." Stan said.  
"ok."  
He turned.  
"Oh, Stan?"

he looked at me,  
"Thanks"  
He smiled and walked away.

I've been smiling the whole day,  
I had this warm feeling when he left. Stan's boyfriend..  
I'M Stan's boyfriend. Me!  
I smiled at my thoughts.

I walked down the hall with my books heading towards history,  
Then coming from around the corner someone Comes up to me and knocks  
my books out of my hands

"What the hell?" I yell at him.  
"Queer." he sneers, and walks away with his friends laughing.

Ugh. Just something I'll have to get used too.


	8. Chapter 8 I cant

I smiled when I saw Stan was waiting for me at my locker,  
He's never done that before.

His face lightened when he saw me coming,  
Made me blush alittle bit.

"Hey kyle"  
"Hey dude"

"So, listen, I was thinking,maybe tonight you can stay over  
and see a movie at my house tonight."

"cool, I'll ask my mom,  
Are your parents going to be home?"

Stan lowered his eyes and gave me that flirtish grin,  
"Nope."

My heart seemed to stop.  
I looked at him.

**_Is this really a good idea?_**

I know Ive spent the night at stans house a billion times  
before without his parents, But this is different.

He's my boyfriend Now.

Do I Really want to spend the night there?

"Um, Do your parents know stan?"

"well.." Stan scratched his the back of his head  
"I havent exactly told them yet, but I will."

"You havent told them about me or your preferences?"  
"Neither, I'm just waiting for the right time. But I will tell them."

"Ok." I give him a smile.

"see you after school" Stan waves.  
"Later."We walk sepperate ways.

I think of it again,  
_** Do I want to stay the night at stan's?**_

For one I do, I most deffinently do.  
I mean who doesn't want to spend the night with the person their dateing right?

Then again, I'm alittle nervous.. I admitted I was gay not to long ago,  
I'm new at this kind of stuff.

I walk into the classroom and walk up too to Cartman.

"Cartman what was up with you at lunch today?"  
He frowns, "What do you mean?"

"I mean why did you freak out at us?"

"Oh, kahl I'm sorry, My friend just recently told me he was gay,  
with one of my other friends, woah didn't see that one coming, Im sorry that  
Im not all happy sunshine about this kahl." He greads.

"Yeah, but doesn't mean you have to go off on us!  
What has gotten into you? Ever sense that night you've been acting different!"

Cartman raised his eyebrow and takes a step back. "Whatever Jew." and walks .

Whatever. Let him handle his own problems.

* * *

I toke a deep breath,  
and picked up the phone.

I dialed Stans number.

_Riiiiiing....Riiiingg  
_"Hello?"  
Stans voiced answered.

"Hey dude.."  
"Hey, Your still comming over tonight right?"

I clench my teeth, "Um..stan.. I cant."  
"Why?"

"Sense I told my parents, they wont let me sleep over  
at guys houses."

"Dude weak!"  
"I know."

"You shouldnt have told them."  
I shut my eyes, "I know."

"Just tell them were just friends."  
"I did, and my dad said 'how would do I  
That kyle?' " I imitated his voice.

"Ugh.." stan grunted.

"Maybe next time."

"yea..maybe next time."  
I heard saddness in his voice.  
Made my insides ache.

"Talk to you later dude."  
"yea. bye."

I hung up the phone.  
Why did that feel so bad?


	9. Chapter 9 The perfect night

Its 2:16 am.  
I'm sleeping.

DUNT.

I turn over

DUNT.

I turn over again.

DUNT!

What the hell is that?  
I rub my eyes, and get up, following  
Where that sound is comming from.

DUNT!  
I go to my window  
"Stan?!"  
Hes in my backyard, with a small rock in his hand  
and drops it when he sees me  
"Kyle!" he whispers

He waves, "Come down here!"  
"Um, hold on," put a finger up.

I quickly Get my orange coat, shoes and hat  
and open the door slowly, and quietly shut it closed.  
I run to the backyard,

"Stan!" I give him a hug,  
"Sorry, I just really wanted to see you."  
"no its fine, But my parents..stan what if they wake up?"

"Then they wake up. come on, dont be such a wuss."  
"Im not being a wuss I just.. My mom Cant find out."

"She wont." he leans closer and kisses me.  
"Come on, I have to show you somthing"  
He grabs my hand and pulls me to the frount yard and  
down the street, "Stan, where are we going!?"  
"Somewhere." he smiles

and continues pulling me until we get to his house.  
He pulls me to his backyard and lets go of my hand and  
Climbs up the ladder to the tree house.  
"Come on," he says, as he's climbing up.

I follow,

He lays on his back with this hands under his head,  
and stares up into the sky.  
There used to be a roof in this tree house but it broke down  
once a storm hit.  
Atleast the walls are still up.

"Look kyle"  
He noods to the sky,  
"Thats..thats amazing!"

All the stars looked closer then usal  
and bright white, there was a full moon,  
It lookedd like somthing out of a movie.  
"wow"

I lied next to him, and woundering If I should lie on his shoulder or not.  
I kept debating it with my brain.

It looks so..perfect.

I finnaly got the nerve to rest my head on his shoulder  
and stan just looked down and smiled.

"You know..People take so much for granted.  
Just seeing this, makes you appreciate the simple things  
out of life..doesnt it?" stan looks at me.

"Yeah." Thats why I love him.

It was the best feeling in the world.  
There was nowhere Else I'd rather be  
Then here with Stan.

* * *

Ok, maybe that was alittle cheesy..But I think It was cute  
:)


	10. Chapter 10 School Taunts

I managed to sneak back inside the house at 6:35,  
Before school started.

I rubbed my sore eyes,  
they felt so heavy.

But it was all worth it.

"Kyle"  
I jumped at the sound of my moms voice.

"Jeesh what you so jumpy about bubby?  
Time to go to school. And walk Ike to the bus stop."

"Ma, I did that yesterday"  
"Well do it again Kyle, He doesn't like walking alone."

I huff, irritated.  
I grabed my bag and walked downstairs to the door.

_**She makes me do everything.**_

"Come on Ike! Were leaving!"  
He hopped downstairs,

"ookie naners"  
_whatever that means._

"Bye mom!"  
"Bye Kyle, Bye Ike! see you in a bit!" She called from the kitchen.  
For some reason I felt so much better after I left the house.

I Got goosebumps walking up to the bus stop.  
My heart starting beating faster, I could feel it pounding through my chest.  
I felt like a fucking girl.

I caught sight of stan and he smiled at me  
I felt lightheaded and felt butterflys in my stomach.  
I havent had this feeling in a long time.

I know I am really in love with stan now.  
I wasent sure at first, but now I know.

"Hey kyle" He smiled  
"Hey stan" I smiled back.  
I wounder if he cant hear my heartbeat..  
I feel like its trying to jump out of my chest.  
We stod starring at each other..

he's so..

"Man I toke the biggest Dump today"  
Cartman interrupted my thoughts when he jumped right between us.  
"What the hell Cartman! We don't care!" Stan spat.  
Stupid asshole, ruin the moment much?

"You should care. And stop making lovey dovey faces at each other, its pissing me off!"  
"Why?" I asked confused.

"well..well because its sick!"  
Stan rolled his eyes, "Whatever Cartman."  
I walked around Cartman and stod next to stan again,  
I slowly reached for his hand and he toke it

Cartman said somthing but I wasent paying attention  
"God, stop being an asshole fattass!"  
Stan said and he slid his hand onto my side  
"Shut the hell up you fucking fagget!"  
Cartman looked at me, "You too fagget jew!"

"What the hell did I do?!"  
"everything." he mutters.

**_Whats that suppose to mean?_**

I iggnore him and turn back to stan, God This feeling is so new.  
Just looking at him makes the world stop spinning.  
we were best friends for years, now look at us.  
Hes mine..mine.  
Just thinking about that..I cant even explain the feeling.  
Its so amazing.

"and stop the PDA guys serriouslah" Cartman frowns  
"Shut up fat ass." Im aggrivatied.

The bus pulls up and I follow stan to our seats.  
I looked forward and expected to see cartman in his  
regualr spot but he wasent there,  
I stand and look around the bus, and spotted him sitting in the front.  
"What the hell? why is cartman sitting in the frount?"  
and and kenny looked in the direction

Kenny shrugged. "who cares. hes annoying anyway"  
said stan. I sit back down.

Cartman hates the frount of the bus.  
That's weird.

"So.." Stan gives me a grin,  
"Like last night?"  
Kennys eye open wide  
"Merph mer muck mappen maph might?"  
(what the fuck happened last night)

* * *

"What the hell?!" I yell as I get to my locker  
Theres sticky notes all over it  
said, 'queer' ' 'fagget' 'your gay!' 'cock sucka'  
'HOMO!' 'you and your boyfriend should leave the school!'  
'Freak' and others.  
I frown and tear down notes one by one.  
I'm pissed.  
Who did that?!

I clench my teeth and tighten my fists,  
and rip the notes appart  


* * *

I get to My next class and sit down at my desk.  
Stan looks like somthing is bothering him, he doesnt even notice  
me walk in the door. I was about to go and ask him whats wrong  
but I felt a tap on my shoulder,  
Clyde stod there.

"Hey kyle.."  
"um.. hi."  
Clyde looked at his friends and made a tiny laugh,  
They laughed in the backround, a few feet away from us  
he turns back to me,

"Um, I just want you to stop giving me those looks."  
"What looks?"  
"You know, the whole winking thing. I'm not gay."  
what?! "What?! what winking thing? I never winked at you!"

He snickered alittle "sure you didnt."  
he turns and walks back to his friends laughing.

"What winking thing?"  
I heard stan ask me from his desk  
"I dont know! I.."  
"Good morning class" Mrs. Elson Cut in.  
"good morning Mrs. Elson" some of the kids responded  
I turned back in my seat,

I quietly ripped off a piece of paper,  
I wrote

Stan, I have no fucking Idea what clyde  
was talking about! I never winked at him  
-K

"psst! Craig!" I whispered,  
He looked at me.  
I held out the note "Give this to stan"

"Your boyfriend?" he asked flat.  
I lowered my eyes.  
giving him a No-fucking-duh look.

"Nu uh." he said and went back to his writting,  
**_What the hells wrong with him?  
_**  
I lean to the other side and held the note out  
to Kevin vine,  
"Can you pass this to Stan?"

"no."

**_Goddamnit! what the hell?!_**

I feel my insides rissing in anger.  
I crumple the paper into a ball, and tap  
my pencil quietly on my desk hopping to get  
stans attention.

8 secounds later he finnaly looks up at me,  
I hold the paper ball up, so he can see it  
put it on the floor and kick it in his direction.

He grabs the note and I watch him open and read It.  
He Takes paper out of his notebook, writes somthing,  
drops it to the floor and passes it to me with his foot

I lean down, grab it and open it

Dont worry dude, I believe you.  
clydes an asshole.  
I think they just want to piss us off.  
-S  
p.s did you get sticky notes on your locker?

I flip the piece of paper over and write

Yea I did.  
I think the school hates us now dude.  
Did you?  
-k

I drop it on the floor, and was about to pass it,

"Kyle"  
Mrs. Elson catched my attention,  
"I see your passing notes.  
Is there somthing you would like  
to share with the class?"

"Um.. No mam."  
**_bitch._**

"good. would you mind getting your attention up here  
Instead of on your friends?"  
"Yes"

"he doesnt have his attention on his friends"  
Clyde says

"Excuse me?"  
Mrs Elson looks puzzled

"They're more then just friends" Clyde says with a grin  
and his friends and others started laughing

**_fuck. this cannot be happening.._**

I glance at Stan  
He's looking down fiddiling with his fingers  
_**Goddamnit. he probably feels worse then me.  
I fucking hate clyde.**_

"Ok, thats enough kids.  
Thats not appropriate" she frowns at them

"Moving on.." she says annoied and turning back  
writting somthing on the board.

I get a tap on the shoulder from Craig and he hands me  
a note. I open it.

queer! :P

* * *

hope you liked that chapter..  
I like the way it turned out.

P.s, reviews would be appreciated,  
I dont get much of those


	11. Chapter 11 On our own

"Kyle its ok" Stan held his arm around me.

"Clyde's an asshole,  
he thinks hes so cool for picking on us just because we have a different life  
style but one day he's going to wake up and realize How low he really is."

I sniffled."But why?  
Its not like we are different are people now. why are people so cruel Stan?  
We went to elementary school with these people, We grew up with these people,  
and then we become honest with them and tell them you simply are more attracted to a different gender  
and they suddenly hate us. I don't understand it stan, I just don't understand"

Stan lured me into a hug

"I don't either Kyle." he said .

* * *

Mrs. Brofloski gazes at her son at the dinner table,

"Whats wrong bubby you hardly touched your dinner"

I didn't bother looking up from my plate.  
"I'm not hungry"  
"Well You've got to eat something, you cant go to bed hungry."  
I stod up from the table  
"Can I be excused?"

She looks saddened but nodes  
and I head upstairs.  
I hear her say something to Dad about me,  
But I don't even bother to listen.

I go up to my room, and lay in my bed,  
I pick up the picture off my bed stand.  
It was a picture of Me, stan Cartman and kenny at the Playground In forth grade.  
Stans mom toke it.

I rememeber it like it was yesterday.  
In the picture,  
Kennys on the swing, swinging in the air with his eyes closed,  
he looks really happy.

Cartmans frowing at something off to the side,  
The camara cuts it off so who knows what he was pissed off about that day.

Me and Stan were in the middle talking to each other, and laughing.  
We didn't even know the picture was being taken.  
Things were so much more simple back then.

I start to feel tears my my eyes..  
"Kyle don't cry.." I tell myself and hold the picture frame tighter.  
But Its too strong I cant hold them back.

I hug the picture tightly to my chest and Let out the tears.  
**_Im overreacting._** I think to myself.

I wish I wasent Gay, Why the fuck did I have to be gay?  
I fucking hate god! I hate him! Why is he doing this to me?  
Everything was perfect when we were best friends only..  
But I know itwill never be the same again.

I take in a deep breath and wipe my doing some homework will get my mind off all this

* * *

I walk through the halls,  
seemed like everyone I passed was screaming at me  
"you such a Fag!" someone yelled

"You and your boyfriend should leave the fucking school gaytard!"  
"Hey everyone look it's the homo!"  
They were all following me

"Please!" I begged "I'm just trying to get to class"  
"Get the homophobe!" I heard craigs voice in the crowd

"Ah!" I drop all my books and start running down the hallway  
They were coming after me  
"Kyle is a queer! Kyle is a queer!" they all chanted Catching up to me  
I kept running and running, But they kept getting closer

"Come back here fagget!" one of them yelled  
And they seemed to grow bigger..They're growing taller,  
and arching over me "queer bate!" some of them yelled.

they were now giants hovering over me,  
I keep running but I cant get away,

Now they all surrounded me, circling around me  
"Fagget!" Fagget!" they yelled,  
"Hey look you guys, a jew fagget!" A giant Cartman looked down at me .

A giant clyde stepped infrount of him  
"Kyle, stop winking at me I'm not gay, Not gay, Not gay, gay, gay.." his voice was fading into a distance

"AHH!" I heard someone scream,  
I looked around, I was in my room in my bed, I touched my face, It felt wet.  
I was the one screaming..

**_It was all a dream._**

"ahh…" I take in deep breath. I have to calm myself down.  
It was all dream. It was just a dream. I kept telling myself.

I walked into the bathroom and splashed cold water into my face.  
I layed my head in my arms and started sobbing.  
Why is this happening to me?

* * *

Me and stan sat in our seats on the bus,  
With Cartman and kenny right behind us

"You guys, I had the weirdest thing happen to me yesterday,  
I was walkin home and me and kenny saw this one chick with only one eye!"  
Cartman started laughing

"No seriously you guys she had one eye!" He started laughing harder.

Stan frowed "Cartman that's not cool. Don't laugh at someone with disabilities."  
"Yeah, She probably was born that way, or her was burned in a fire or something" I agreed.  
But he didn't stop laughing,

"You guys.. ONE EYE!" he laughed.  
"Your such an asshole Cartman" Stan turned back around in our seat.  
"Yeah! what if You only had one eye and people laughed at you fattass!"I protested.  
"But I don't have one eye."  
"But what if you did?"  
"But I don't"

"Ugh," I turn around in my seat. "Your impossible."

* * *

We get to school, I was relieved to see their was no sticky notes on my locker,  
But I looked again and there was a note,

I toke care of it kyle,  
Come see me in my office today  
Mkay? -Mr. Mackey

I take down the note.  
Greaat just what I need.  
I dont have time for this,  
I have alot of studdying I need to take care of.

Might as well get this over with.  
I walk walk past my classroom and head towards the office.  
I knock on his office door and he opens it right away.

"Oh, hello kyle come in" He gestures me inside.  
"uh..hi" I sit down on the chair.  
"I um, I got a note from you telling me to see you."

"Yes, right, right.  
Uh, kyle.. It has come to my attention that you are....gay. mkay?"  
"umm.. yeah" I answer uncertain.  
"Mkay, and I've been hearing things that you are getting picked on  
by the other students for your sexual orriantation?"

I dont like where this is going..

"um..yeah"

"Well I just want to tell you, that uh,  
Teasin people beacuse they have different sexual  
standers is bad. Mkay, and It will not be accepted in  
The school. I want you to feel compterable here  
so I am willing, to make an announcment to  
The council that if this keeps going on..well..  
Well, Its gonna be bad. mkay."

**_I really dont need this  
I cant have a teacher comming in and fight my own battles.  
That would be even MORE hummiliating._**

"Look, Mr. Mackey I appreciate what your trying to do but,  
But um, everyone doesnt bother us anymore so, so theres  
Nothing to worry about."

"uhm.. mkay"  
"Thanks anyway" I hop out of my seat and head towards the door.

"Kyle"  
he stops me

"I want you to know, that if you have anymore problums, just to  
let me or one of your other teachers know."  
"Thanks I will, Bye "

and hurried out there as fast as I could.  
Damnit. even the teachers know whats going on!

I went into my classroom, and gave my Mrs. Elson a note,  
Mr. Mackey gave me, excusing me from being late.  
She read it.

"Ok Kyle have a seat."

I sat down, I suddenly heard a tapping noise, I turned and stan held up  
a ball of paper, and passed it to me with his foot

Where were you?  
-S

I flipped the paper and wrote

Mr. Mackey wanted to talk to me  
about..us.. I'll tell you later,  
I dont want to get introuble for  
passing notes again.  
-K

and I passed it to him.

Great. I can finnaly do some studdying now.  


* * *

The bell rang,  
and Stan came right up to me  
"Dude, he did that to me yesterday!"

"He did? what did he say?"

"I dont know, he kept talking about if we needed  
help with, you know, the other kids and them calling  
us homo and stuff to talk to him."

"He told me that too! why didnt you tell me?"

Stan shrugged. "I forgot."

"What did you say to him?" I asked

"I told him, no way. we dont need help.  
I mean come on dude we can handle our own problums"

"Thats what I thought too"

"well see you next piriod. I'll save you a seat at lunch."  
"Ok thanks dude" I smiled at him, he smiled back..

Im getting those butterflys all over again.

* * *

ANOTHER CHAPTER, DONE.

I'm just trying to get to the really good parts :)


	12. Chapter 12 The movies

After school me and Stan went to the movies, were seeing night rider.

Stan even sneaked his hand into mine, and we've been holding hands throughout the half the movie,  
"Hold on"  
Stan let go of my hand,

"I'm going to get more popcorn. Want anything?" stan asked  
"No, Its ok, thanks"  
he smiled and exited the theatre.

I felt something keep tapping at the back of my head  
I turn around to look and some kids a few seats away from us was throwing popcorn at me  
"hey! Quit it!" I leered at them.

"You and your boyfriend should go to a different theatre queer boy" A teenager with his hat backwards sneered.  
"Yeah queer boy!" the kid next to him agreed.  
I frowned "Fuck you." and turn around in my seat.

I saw Stan coming back up to our seats,  
"Got it" he said, then sat down.

Few seconds later, "What the hell?" Stan felt the back of his head and  
turned around in his seat.  
Those kids kept flicking popcorn at us

"Hey kid, fuck off" Stan called to them.  
"get out of here fagget, noone wants you here" The kid said,  
"Yeah, stupid fags" said the guy next to him.

Stan stod up from his seat "Hey dude I'll kick your ass!"  
he pointed at him.  
We got some mean looks and "shhh" from some people around us.

"ohh" the kid put up his hands  
"The gay boy wants to hurt me, I'm so scared.  
You sure you don't just want an excuse to touch me?"

Stans face darkened, "what?! That's sick dude, your fucking sick!"  
"I'm sick?" The kid looked offended "Oh, don't pretend you wouldn't like it"

"Knock it off!" I yelled and stod up out of my seat facing them  
"Oh look, the faggot's protecting his little boyfriend" The kid gestured towards me.

I clench my teeth and tightened my fists  
"YOU.." I'm about to say  
"Is there a problem here?" I hear someone behind me.  
I turn around and see a black guy with a red suit, with "South park Movie Theatre"  
printed on his vest.

"I got a complaint from an audence member here, and I'm afraid you'll have to leave."  
"WE have to leave?!" Stan got defensive  
"Their the ones who wont leave us alone!" Stan pointed at them.  
"That true?" he looked at them.

The boys put up an innocent face,  
"We were just watching the movie and they kept flicing popcorn  
at us so we just told them to stop and they wouldnt" He said.

I feel myself getting angry, "Oh come on! that is such bullshit!"  
I yelled at them

"Keep it down, I wont ask you again, now please leave."  
The man said to me.

I threw my hands in the air. "UGH!" I let out and marched out the theatre,  
I heard them laughing when I headed out. bastards.

"Kyle" Stan caught up to me,  
"well..that sucked."

"sucked? we didnt do anything! They had no right to throw us out!"  
"Yeah! dumbasses. but there not even worth it, kyle. dont let it get to you."  
"Dont let it get to me? stan, everyone is doing it! they wont stop!"

"I know, but its just somthing we have to deal with. dont let them know it  
bugs us or else they win."

I sighed. "Well I..I guess your right."

"You know.." stan grinned at me,  
"You look cute when you get all worked up"

I felt my checks burn up, and I let out alittle smile.

"Come on, Lets go somewhere more private" stan grinned.


	13. Chapter 13 Little red cut

"..Anyway valentines day is coming up.."  
Stan was telling me on the phone.

"Yeah"  
"So what do you want to do?"  
"You pick"  
"Come on Kyle, you pick, I always pick"

"I don't know, a picnic?"  
"a picnic?"  
"yeah."  
"Kyle, that's gay."  
"were gay"  
"yeah but not picnic gay."

**_Just a suggestion.._**

"What about we watch a movie at one of our houses?" I ask  
"No, come on we do that all the time,"  
I frown. "Well fine. Then I don't know."

"hmm.. I don't know either. I'll think of something then call you back."  
"Ok. I have to work on my project anyways."  
"Ok. Later dude,"  
"Oh wait, Stan?"  
"yeah?"

I pause.. **_Should I say it?_**

"I…um.."  
**_I cant._**

"never mind."  
"uh ok. Later"  
"later."  
and we hang up the phone.

I wonder why we never say I love you after we get off the phone  
all the other couples do..Some couples don't even hang up the phone,  
they argue about who loves eachother more and eventually hang up.  
I don't know ..maybe this shouldn't bug me at all.

I get back to writing a paper for my project.  


* * *

I wave at Stan as I'm walking up to our bus stop.  
He smiles and waves back.

"Think of anything yet?" I ask when I get to him.  
"no.. but I will."  
"merph merph merph?" Kenny muffled(think of what)

"What to do for valentines day" I answer.  
"ughhhhh.." Cartman rolled his eyes.  
"What?" Stan looked at him.

weird. Cartman looks.. mad for some reason.

"Nothing." he answers.  
Stan grabs hold of my hand and Cartman turns to us and tightened his fists

"And goddamn it, stop holding hands!"  
he grabs our arms and yanks them away from each other.

"Cartman! What the hell!" I yell at him  
"What!?" he yellls back, Then the bus pulls up.  
Stan passed Cartman "asshole" he whispered to him.

Me and Stan went to our seats,  
Cartman actually sat next to us this time.I bent over his seat  
"What the hell's gotten into you Cartman?"  
"nothing! Ok. Just leave me alone." he says without even looking at me.

"Jeez. Someone's in a bad mood." I look at Stan.  
"yeah" he agreed.  


* * *

I was heading off to lunch, and quickly double checked my locker to make sure  
no sticky notes were there. Mr. Mackey must have been making sure their not there.

I get my food and see Kenny and Cartman sitting at our table.  
I didn't see Stan though.

"Hey dudes, I sit at the table.  
"huh" Kenny said. (hey)  
"Fatass." I greeted him.  
"Dumb Jew" he replied.

"Where's Stan?" I ask Kenny  
"muph merph muph" He shrugged (I don't know)

"Weird. anyways.." me and kenny get into a deep conversation  
about the terrance and phillop episode last night.  
It was awsome. new episode.  
Kenny kept going on and on about the kellie simons breasts,  
an actor on the show hes obbsessed with.

Suddenly I feel my back get pushed into the table,  
"Look guys, lets tie the fag to the bench" I heard Craig behind me  
"Yeah" Clyde agreed,  
they were coming towards me!

"You guys, I'm seriously. Leave him alone" I surprisingly heard..

**_Cartman? Did Cartman say that?_**

I saw Craig walk behind me And face.. Cartman.

**_He didn't really say that did he?_**

Craig pushed Cartman onto the ground and cartman yelped.  
"And what are you going to do about it fatass? remember, You got beat up by a girl a few years back"  
he pointed down to him.

Cartman quickly got back to his feet and leaned close to him

"I'll make you eat your fucking parents asshole!  
I swear to god Craig!"  
he leaned closer to him. "Don't fuck with me."

Craig thought back to the time cartman got that scott tenorman back,  
he killed his parents and fed it to him in chilly.

Craig backed up a little, then frowned and faced the other guys.  
"Come on guys, Gay boy isn't even worth our time."  
"aww" they moaned and started walking away.

Cartman 's pissed off look is still plastered on his face.  
Then gives them one final glare then sits, starring down at the table.

"C…Cartman?" I ask him confused,  
"what"  
"why did you do that?"  
"do what?"

**_I cant believe he's pretending nothing just happened._**

"Just.. Stand up for me like that"  
"Oh" he shrugged. "I don't know, why do Jews ask so many god damn questions?"  
He beamed at me.

"Ugh. Whatever" I frowned and focused on my plate.**_

* * *

_**

**_I felt like I couldn't concentrate the rest of the day.  
I mean, Cartman?  
Why the fuck did he stand up for me?  
He hates me!_**

**_This is too confusing._**

**_Its just.. Not something I would have ever imagined him doing.  
Its out of his character._**

**_I kept replaying what happened in the lunch room in my mind over and over again.  
"leave him alone.. Don't fuck with me." he repeated in my memory.  
I could tell Craig got nervous even though he tried hiding it._**

**_I could have got my ass beaten It wasn't for Cartman,  
wait this is probably just a probably a trick._**

**_He probably thinks now that he "saved me" I'll have to pay him back or somthing,  
Well fuck that._**

**_I never asked for protection.  
If that's what he thinks, I'm not paying him back anything.

* * *

_**

I got off the bus with Cartman and Kenny,  
Usually I would walk with Stan but he's still not around.  
**Where is he?**

When I got off I had a strange urge to follow Cartman.  
Though he is probably planning something, and he is a fat raciest sadistic asshole  
I'm still a good person and I should at least thank him for what he did."Cartman wait up" I called after him.  
He turned around and raised his eyebrow,

"What" he asked flat.  
"I uh.. I just wanted to say.."

I was about to say thanks, but something caught the corner of my eye.  
A little red cut on his wrist.

"What's that?" I ask him looking at his wrist.  
"What's what?" he asked frowning.

"That" I pointed at his lower arm.  
"Oh." he noticed and quickly covered it up with his sleeve.  
"Nothing!" he puts his arm behind his back.

"Cartman I saw what that was. Are you.."  
I pause.  
"Cartman, are you cutting?" I weez into words.

Cartman's eyes went wide "What? Fuck no!"

"But cartman I saw the.."  
"YOU DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING!" he pointed in my face.

"So SHUT YOUR GOD DAMN JEW MOUTH AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"  
He yelled and walked away.

I was speechless. I couldn't move from the spot.

**_Eric cartman… cuts?  
._**

**_I was probably just seeing things._**

**_No, I saw it._** I argued with myself.  
**_Cartman wouldn't have reacted like that if it was nothing._**

What the hell is going on?


	14. Chapter 14 The Revealed Secret

I walked home and went up to my room.  
I keep thinking about Cartman..  
About that cut I saw on his wrist.  
It was pretty deep, But the more I thought about it the more ridiculous it sounded.  
I mean, Cartman? cutting?  
There's just no way.  
It wouldnt happen.

But I saw it.  
I don't know, It makes me queasy of the thought of Eric cutting.  
I mean.. cartman.  
I try to block the thought out of my head.  
I should call Stan and see where he's been the rest of the day.  
I dialed his number on the phone, and waited as it rang.

"Hello?" I heard Mrs. Marsh on the line.  
"Hi, Is Stan there?"  
"Yes, But sorry Kyle, he cant talk right now. he's sick.  
I had to pick him Up from school early today."  
"Oh"

So that's where he's been.

"Well, can You tell him I called and hope he gets better?"  
"Yes, I'll tell him his.."  
she paused.  
"Boyfriend called." she said in a stretched tone.

**He told her?!**

"Um…ok" I answered.  
No one said anything.  
An akward vibe went through both sides of the phone.

"well Um.. thanks"  
"No problem." she said and hung up.

It felt really weird for his mom to be calling me his boyfriend.  
I mean, he is my boyfriend, but It still felt funny the way she said it.

I reached into my backpack and toke out a few folders and began working on my essay  
about What I would do to make the earth better.  
Mine was on recycling.

I laughed at the thought of what Cartman said when they assigned this project  
"I don't want to write a paper on world peace hippy bull crap!"  
was his exact words.

I laughed a little at the thought.  
that got me thinking about Cartman again.  
About what I saw a few hours ago.

"Damn it" I saw to myself.  
I need to work on my essay.  
I cant keep thinking about that, it distracts me.

In the next five minutes I've been trying to focus on the paper,  
I keep getting interrupted by thoughts of him.  
Damn it.

This is no use. Maybe I should just go see him..  
just to see how he is. Its no big deal,  
I just want to see whats going on.

I grab my jacket and put my shoes on,  
"Ma! I'm going over to Cartmans."  
"Ok bubby! Be back before 8:30!" she called back.

I head out the house.  
Cartman is so stupid. He doesnt know he's dirtacting my mind from my homework  
But I know if he did, He'd love it.  
Why do I even care if cartman is cutting himself?  
Who cares. I should hate him.. Right?

Then why am I going to his house if I hate him?  
I roll my eyes at my thoughts.  
"I'm just checking" I told myself aloud.

* * *

I finally get to his house and knock on the door.  
His mom answered a few seconds later.

"Hi, Is Cartman here?"  
"Oh yes, he's upstairs in his room"She moved so I could come in.  
"Thanks"

I toke off my shoes and walk upstairs to his room.  
Its funny, I haven't been up here in along time.  
I used too When we were all kids, but Everything looks the nothings changed.  
They still have the same pictures on the wall, the same furniture.  
As if nothings changed.

I let myself into his room, didn't bother to knock.  
Cartman quickly turned around and dropped the bottle he was holding.  
"What the hell are you doing here?"

The bottle he dropped was like a dark yellow, Beer? maybe whisky?  
"What are you doing with that?"

He looked at me as if I was an idiot.  
"Drinking it. What else would I do with it?"  
"Why? You shouldn't drink alcohol at our age, you can get liver disease eaiser."

Cartman stared at me, then rolled his eyes  
and turned back to his bottle and toke out a glass.

"God, Your such a nerd kahl. Were in fucking high school give it a rest."  
He said pouring the glass.  
"Well when you die young, It'll be your fault." I frowned at him  
and sat on his bed.

"What the hell are you doing here anyways?" he turned to me.

"Oh, Um.." _Why am I here?_

"I just wanted to thank you for what you did at the lunch room today."  
He glared at me. "Whatever, No big deal."

"No Cartman, It is a big deal." I stopped him.  
"I really appreciate it. I don't know what's gotten into you. I mean your really not yourself  
But I think its real. And I like it."

Cartman froze for a secound, then snickered.

"You really don't get it do you?"  
"Get what?"  
"hah, The whole I don't know what's gotten into you Cartman, and your not yourself.  
You think you know me but you don't"

"What the hell are you talking about?" I ask confussed.

He rolled his eyes  
"just forget it. Get out of my house"  
"No Cartman!" I feel myself getting angry

I get off his bed and face him,  
"I want to know what exactly you think I don't know about you."

"EVERYTHING!" he waves his arms into the air and get closer to my face.  
"You. Don't. know. ANYTHING. About. ME"

"What don't I know?"  
"You don't want to know"  
"Yes I do! What don't I know!"  
"Its none of your beeswax kahl, and It doesn't matter!"  
"Yes it does now tell me right now!"  
I am screaming at the top of my lungs now.

Cartman said nothing. Just turned around and started pouring another glass  
of whatever it was.  
I decided to switch the subject.

"Cartman, I saw that cut on your arm"  
"No you didn't."  
"Yes I did."  
"there is no cut"  
"Then show me your arm."  
he raised his eyebrow, "No"

"Why not?"  
"because I don't want too"  
"If you didn't have anything on your arm then it wouldn't be a  
big deal to show me."

He froze.  
Neither of us said anything.  
I was expecting him to say a comeback but instead He lifted  
up his sleeve,  
and revealed, not only one, but about a dozen of other Red cuts.  
They were cut so deep in.

On one of them you can almost see the vain.  
"…Cartman.." I begin to say,  
He put his sleeve down and turns around pouring himself  
another glass of whatever he was drinking.

I couldn't speak.  
"Happy?" He said without facing me.  
"Cartman.. Why?" _ok that didn't make sense.  
_  
"Why do you do that?"  
He finished pouring the glass, and held it infrount of him.  
He still hasent looked at me.

"Sometimes Its better to feel the pain outside then inside kahl."  
"what? What pain?"  
He looked up at me finnaly.  
"Do you like having your dad around kahl?"  
"My dad?" I question.  
"Yes, your dad, which opposed to only one man who's with your mother  
And someone who completes a family."  
"uhh..yeah"

"That's good. I don't have one.  
Ive always wanted one.  
Every other family Ive met has atleast one.  
I have top of that, I just love my so called mom coming home drunk  
off her ass, and doing crack and having sex with some guy I don't even know in her room every night."

I didn't know what to say.. I never thought of it that way.

"Its like she doesn't even care!  
She only does what I want so I can stop asking get me out of the way  
so she can go do what she always does. Stupid whore."

"oh…oh my god. Cartman. I'm so sorry"I look at him,  
his eyes look watery but no tears came out.

Ive never seen him like this in my life.  
I feel so bad for him, I just want to hug him.

"Also.." he continued.  
"You and Stan aren't the only gay kids in south park."  
"wh.." I stuttered. "what?"

I started to feel my heart pounding for some reason.  
He turned to me but looked at the ground avoiding eye contact.  
"I found out in the middle of forth grade. At first I Thought It was just a faze but..  
It never went away."

"Oh, my god" was all I could make out.

**Is this really happening?  
**  
"I never told anyone. Naturally. I thought if I ignored it,  
It would go away but It never did."

"C.. Cartman? Are you trying to say your.. your gay?"

Cartman frowned at me,  
"I mean. Homosexual" I corrected.  
I learned its kind of rude to ask if a homosexual is "Gay" Even I hate that term now.

"Its ok Cartman. It really is alright" I stand next to him and pat his back.  
"Were going to hell kahl! doesn't that mean anything to you?"  
I looked down,  
"Me and Stan talked about it and we think that as long as were good people  
we'll still go to heaven.'

Cartman rolled his eyes at me.  
"Me and Stan, Me and Stan" he mimicked my voice.  
"Ok, really what's your deal with Stan? every time some one mentions  
him you Get all mad about something."  
I frown at him.

"He just pisses me off" he said.

I thought about it.  
"Wait.. Cartman, Do you.. Do you like Stan?"

His face got all scrunched with rage.

"NO DAMN IT! I LIKE YOU!"  
I Gasped.  
Cartman lets out a loud huff, Then his face expression changed and he backed up.  
He just realized what he said.  
The room went completely silent.  
Neither of us said a word.  
Just stared at each other.

I was quiet on the outside but inside I am freaking out.  
"Uh…" I finally said and rubbed the back of my green hat.

I knew he wasn't going to say anything. Guess I better,  
"Cartman?"  
He rolled his eyes.  
"Don't you understand? Stan gets everything."  
I saw his fist tighten.

He walked over to his window stirring his cup.  
"I first realized when I was…Different, when you felt, different to me."he looked at me,  
"I Realized, I never really hated you.  
I couldn't stand it. I would stay up for hours at night trying to tell myself I was crazy,  
pacing around my room But the thought of you wouldn't get out of my head!  
It never goes away!"Cartman is holding his head and holding his eyes tight shut.

Then he walks up to me and puts his hands on my shoulder,  
His face facing mine. "I never thought I would ever be telling you all this.  
I only make fun of you so.. I have a reason to talk to you."

He backed away,"Oh my god this is so fucking cheesy.  
I'm stopping now. I just wanted you to know."

"No!"  
I went up to him and put my hands on his shoulders,  
His big strong, wide muscular shoulders,

"Its not cheesy.. You know its good to let out your feelings."  
He glared at me.  
"You don't do it very often." I said.

There was something about the way we were standing there,  
We were so close, our noses at practically touching.

His brown eyes, locked to mine.  
Why are we standing this close to each other?  
Why wasn't he looking away?  
No wait, why wasn't I looking away?  
His face inched a little closer to mine.  
I still couldnt move.  
He inched a little bit closer

**Why fuck cant I move!?!**  
He moved just a little more..

And pressed his lips agenst mine, My eyes are open, his are closed.  
He kisses me harder, then I shut my eyes and kiss him back.

His lips are so warm, so amazing, him touching me,  
I felt like the insides of me exploding and are still falling as I am touching him,  
I kiss him and he slowly moves his arms on my sides and leans me onto his bed,

Then I start to realize,  
wait what the fuck am I doing?!  
I push cartman away and he frowns at me,

"What the hell?!"  
"Sorry Cartman.. I just, I cant"  
I'm heading towards the door and he walks in front of me.  
"Why?" he still looks mad.

"I'm with Stan. I'm sorry, I just cant do this to him"  
"Fuck stan, lWho cares about him"  
"I do fatass!" I yell and push past him and down the stairs, and out his door.

I walk down the street, I feel like crying  
What just happened?!  
Oh my god. What have I done?

* * *

lol sorry, that was a long one.  
Major chapter of the story though :)

And thank-you guys for the reviews,  
I love you guys,  
You just make me want to write more


	15. Chapter 15 Madness

Last night was horrible.  
I hardly got any sleep.  
I think I was just starring at my ceiling for hours,  
Just thinking.  
it's amazing, how much can go through your mind half the night.

Thinking, Ok **what the fuck just happened?  
**Cartman.. **_KISSED_** me.  
Eric Cartman kissed me.  
And what did I do? I kissed him back!  
What kind of person am I?  
I have a boyfriend!  
And Cartman knows it, but decided to do it anyway!

I wanted to slam my head agenst a brick wall for just letting him kiss me like that ..  
Its not like I cheated on Stan or anything.. Right?  
I mean I stopped it.

Cartman was trying to get me onto his bed and I stopped it.  
The kiss only lasted for just about 4 seconds. that's it.  
No big deal..  
Nothing I should even bother telling Stan about..  
I started feeling guilty.  
No, I cant feel guilty.

Cartman kissed ME. I didn't kiss him.  
It was His fault. I don't want to worry Stan about this..  
Sense it was only a four second thing that will never happen again.

Maybe Cartman really isn't Gay.  
Maybe he only pretended to be and kissed me so It could get on camera  
and he could show everyone. My stomach dropped, What if It did get on camara..  
I erased the thought. To paranoid to think of something like that.  


* * *

Eventually I did fall asleep.  
On the wrong side of the bed. My body hurt walking up to the bus stop this morning.  
I saw Stan and he waved at me, When I got to him he smiled

"Sorry I was sick yesterday.."and he kissed me,  
I glanced at Cartman who was rolling his eyes.  
Stan didn't notice.  
He pulled out of the kiss and looked at me.

For some reason,  
When we kissed, It felt really akward to me.  
It didn't feel the same.. We've been kissing in public for awhile now and I've never felt this before.  
It just felt, Different.

Maybe its just weird because Cartman's standing there.  
Stan spoke,  
"Uh.. so I heard my mom talking to you.."  
"Yeah, Why didn't you tell me you told her?"  
"I told her that morning I was sick."  
"What did she say?"  
"She gave me a long talk about how no matter what my sexual orientation is,  
As long as I'm happy she's happy, and Its ok. My dad seemed cool about it too"

"Wow, Better then when my parents acted."  
"Cause your moms a bitch." I heard Cartman mutter under his breath.

Unbelieveable.  
He had the nerve to kiss me yesterday and he's still saying that crap.  
Stan heard this  
"Shut up fat ass. At least his moms not a whore." he said.

I suddenly got a pang of guilt in my chest,  
I started to think back of what Cartman told me last night.  
Stan shouldn't have said that

"Stan!" I said without thinking,  
He looked at me  
"Stan.. I don't think we should be talking about his mom like that."  
I whispered to him.  
He looked at me confused "Why?" He said in a normal voice.

"I don't know, it just seems kind of harsh."  
I whispered into his ear.  
Stan raised an eyebrow at me  
"dude, he called your mom a bitch."  
"I know, but he's an uncaring asshole, and I am a caring person,  
Even though he says that to me, were being just like him saying it back."

Stan looked suspicious, "You never cared before."  
"And I don't, I just think, Its..alittle mean?"  
"Uhh.."  
Stan put his hands in his pockets. Not knowing what to say.  
"Kay"  
I glanced at Cartman, he didn't say anything, He just looked off to the ground,  
starring at it as if it was the most interesting thing he's ever seen.

Then the bus pulled up.  


* * *

During the half the school day Cartman seemed like he was avoiding me.

I haven't really seen him, and in The classes we had together  
he didn't even look at me.

Ive noticed somthing. Noone has picked at me all day.  
No queer, or fagget, or gay boy.  
Whatever Cartman did the other day really worked.

Lunch time came, and I sat next to Stan.  
"Hey babe" Stan smiled,  
"Hey" I returned smile.  
When Cartman Sat down He didn't say anything he glared at Kenny,  
probably because he was in his spot.  
He sat down and stared at his food. The assholes still refuses to look at me.

Me and Stan are talking about what to do for valentines day.. We still haven't decided.  
Well, actually more like Stan was talking about it,  
I was just replying "uh huh" with whatever he said to say.

I felt a little uneasy talking about this for some reason, Not like Stan noticed.  
Stan looked from Me to Cartman,  
"You guys haven't fought all day"

Cartman dropped his fork caught off guard.  
"mph" (yeah) Kenny replied.  
"Uh.."  
What to am I suppose to say to that?

"Stan.." I heard someone behind me.  
We turned around, Wendy Testaburger was standing there.

"Stan, can I talk to you?"  
"uh." Stan looked at me with an uncomfortable look  
I shrugged."Uhh.. Sure Wendy." He stood up from the table,  
and she dragged him around the corner.  
Leaving me sitting there.

I frown "What the fuck does she want?"

"Mer meh merph" (I don't know) Kenny replied and bit into his sandwich  
Cartman obviously had nothing to say.  
I looked at him  
He's still starring at his food.

"I'm Gay Wendy! When will you get that?!" I heard Stan's voice somewhere.  
"ugh" I roll my eyes.  
I am getting so sick of her.

Who does she think she is, coming over, probably asking for him back,  
He's with me now.

I jab my fork into the peas.  
I felt a hand on my shoulder, It was Kenny. I smiled sympathetically.  
I heard Cartman's fork dabbing loudly on the tray.

Stan came back a few minutes later.  
He sat down and put his head in his hands.  
"Whad she say?" I asked.

"She's a bitch.  
She keeps asking me to give her another chance and wont leave me alone!"  
He put his head down.  
"What a freak" I huff.

"Maybe you should give her another chance"  
I heard Cartman not looking up from his plate.

"Shut up Cartman I'm gay."  
Cartman muttered something under his breath but I  
didn't hear what it was.

* * *

  
I stomped home angrily.  
I still didn't grasp why I was mad.  
I had nothing to be mad about.

Maybe I mad about Wendy talking to Stan today?  
Or was I a little jealous?  
Or was I mad about Cartman completely ignoring me today?  
Acting as if nothing happened Yesterday.

I mean come on, nothing really happened, Just had my worst enemy,  
The guy who hates my guts decided to plant a big one on me,  
and admit he actually.. Likes me.  
Then walk around acting like I dont even exist.

Just makes me mad thinking about it,  
He probably feels embarrassed about it..  
Well good! He should be embarrassed about it!

He knew I had a boyfriend.  
Plus, Isn't he suppose to hate me?  
Wait, aren't I suppose to hate him?  
I don't feel like I hate him..And the worst thing is,  
When he kissed me I didn't even fight to get out of it,  
Well I did but not till seconds later..  
But as much as I hate to admit it.. I didn't hate It.  
Did I like it?  
No, I couldn't have liked it..

Oh my god. I better not have liked it.  


* * *

  
"hello?" I answer  
"Hey dude"  
I smile. "Hey Stan"  
"So I was thinking.. About Valentines Day,  
Maybe we can rent a boat or something?"  
"A boat?"  
"Yeah, My Uncle owns a cabin where you can rent boats, We can do it for free"

I blush at this.  
Stan was always the romantic type.  
cheesy but sweet.

"Um, sure Stan, that sounds great"  
"Glad you like it" I cant see him but I know he's smiling.  
"Oh, by the way I need some help with my math homework  
Can you come over and we can.. Study?"

The way he stretched out the word 'study',  
let me know he wanted to do more then just study.

"Um sorry, I cant, I have to babisit Ike tonight.  
My parents are going out."

"Oh, well I can come and help out if you want"  
"Sorry, My parents said no visitors."

"oh. Um.. Ok"  
"Sorry, we can do somthing tomorrow if you want"  
"um.. Ok"  
I heard dispointment in his voice.  
Great now I feel bad.

"Sorry, I gotta go"  
"Ok, bye. And Kyle?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Love you."

**He actually said it!  
**  
"Love you too Stan" I hung up.  
He actually said it!  
I cant believe it! I got butterflies flying around inside!  
He said he loves me!

I couldn't stop smiling that night.  


* * *

_I'm kissing Cartman,  
There's warmness all around me,_

_I feel his strong arms wrapped around me tightly,  
"I'll never let you go" he whispered into my ear,_

_and he grabed the top of my green hat and slowly pulled it off._

_"promise?" I whisper to him  
He hugs me tighter and looks into my eyes, "forever and ever"_

_those eyes..Those Dark brown eyes..  
The ones I fell in love with a long time ago..  
I could just stare into those eyes forever._

_My fingers stroked through his brown hair and Pulled I him in to kiss him.  
those soft gentle warm lips, I remember how they taste._

_We pulled back and I looked again into his eyes..  
I want to stay like this forever._

_We begin kissing again, and again, and again…  
_

I get up quickly and feel myself fall,  
I'm breathing heavily.

I feel myself on the cold ground.

I look up and I'm in my room.  
I check my bed, Cartman's not there.  
I cover my face.  
"It was just a dream.. It was just a dream."

I climbed back into bed but couldn't go back to sleep.  
I kept thinking about that dream.

Did I really dream that?  
For real?  
Oh god, I felt my head to see If I was burning up.  
I felt fine.

What is wrong with me?  
My mind couldn't have possibly made up something like that up  
Unless maybe.. No. I couldn't like Cartman again.. Right?  
I mean I liked him a LONG time ago. And I have stan now.

Fuck! I hate my stupid brain.

This is so retarded. Ok? I dont like Cartman.  
I..I dont like Cartman.. I hope.  


* * *

haha Sorry about it being so long.  
I'll begin writting the next chapter.

p.s- THANK YOU REVIEWERS :D  
haha.. I know ive said it before,  
but..whatever. lol


	16. Chapter 16 Denying the feeling

I walked out my doorstep with Ike and saw Stan waiting for me,  
He waved, I smiled and waved back.

Ike held onto my leg as we were walking  
"Ike, let go, You know how to get to the bus stop by yourself."

Ike was six, But he still didn't pronounce speech right.  
My mom's taking him to therapy to see why he's developing so slow.  
Maybe its cause he's Canadian?  
I laughed to myself at that one.

"Hey stan" I said, Ikes still clinging onto my leg.  
"Dude.. Why's he doing that?" he looked down at Ike.  
"I don't know, lets just go"

I started walking to the bus, Ike was still holding on.  
Oh well he's going to have to let go eventually.

"Dude.. That boat is gonna be sweet Cant you wait?" Stan smiled  
"uhh.."

I glance at Cartman. He's starring at the ground.. Again.  
"Yeah, It'll be awesome." I smiled.

Kenny starts laughing "Merph merp merph, merffin merphy"(that is so fucking cheesy)  
he's his ass off and falls to the ground.

"Shut up Kenny" Stan scowls at him.  
Stan is telling me something, But I'm not really listening.

damn it! Cartman's doing the same thing he did yesterday!  
When is this going to end? Is he just going to pretend I'm not there for the rest of my life?

".. and wait, Kyle are you even listening to me?" I hear Stan say  
"Oh, sorry what was that?"He glares at me.  
"Do you want to get the Plersha boat or the Calvin Bane?"  
"I don't know why does it matter?"  
"It matters dude"  
"Dude I don't even know what a Plersha is!"  
"ugh.. Never mind I'll pick it."

Then he bus pulled up  


* * *

Me and Stan are walking in the halls to our first class,  
"Hey have you noticed Cartman seeming.. Different lately?" he asked me.  
I felt my heart jump for no explainable reason,

"Um no, why?"  
"I don't know he just seems kind of.. Out of it. He hasn't talked much in awhile."  
"Oh.. yeah." I answer.  
"I wonder what's wrong with him."  
"yeah"

But I **DO** know what's wrong with him.  
It was that kiss.

I walk into the classroom and take out our notes.  
I heard a tapping noise and looked up to Stan,  
He held a paper ball and passed it to me  
I opened it

hey Kyle,  
Want to come over to my house tonight?  
-S

I toke out my pencil and wrote  
I'd love too!  
-K

I crumpled it back up and was about to pass it,  
Then I stopped myself,  
opened the paper and added

I'd love too!  
-K  
Love You.

I crumpled it back up and passed it to him.  
I watched his eyes as he read it, and He smiled when he read the last part.  
He toke the paper onto his lap and wrote something and passed it to me.  
I opened it

Love you too

Aw he made a little heart next to it.  
I smiled.

* * *

I walked with Stan out of the room when class was over  
"Tonight" he whispered in my ear and walked the other way,  
I can tell this will be great.  
I felt butterflies.

I walked into my next class and sat at my desk,  
I looked at Cartman,  
he was looking out the window.  
What a dumb ass.  
He cant ignore me forever.

I looked at him again and I started to feel..  
My checks getting hott.  
My cheeks getting hot? I felt my cheeks,  
I'm not.. Blushing am I?

No that cant be, that's ridiculous.  
But why do I feel like the butterflies are coming back?  
They were there awhile ago when I saw Stan, but why the sudden did they come back?

Oh my god.. This cant be because of Cartman right?  
I start thinking back at the dream I had and I feel my cheeks getting hotter .

I don't like Cartman,  
there's just something simply physically wrong with me.  
I probably caught whatever Stan had when he kissed me.

Why am I still starring at Cartman?!  
I force myself to look away.

"Hello class" I hear Mrs. Elson come in the doorway.  
"Hello Mrs. Elson" some people responded.  
"Today were going to be doing a project, now we need to have partners so.."

"Kyle Broflovski to the Principles office please,  
Kyle Broflovski to the principles." Mrs. Stevens said over the intercom.

"Um, Ok Kyle You can go." Mrs. Elson excused me.  
"Ok" I hop out of my chair and head down the hallway.  
I wonder what they want.

I get to Mrs. Stevens office and knocked on the opened the door  
"Hello Kyle, Oh go sit in the office, Your momIs coming to pick you up."  
"My mom? Why?"  
"Oh, I'm not sure I think Its something about an appointment?"

"Oh, Um ok."I sat down in one of the seats,  
A few minutes later my mom came through the door.

"Ma, where are we going?"  
"You have a doctors appointment Kyle remember? I told you about it yesterday."  
"Oh, uh ok."

We pulled our car at the Doctors then waited in the waiting room.  
A nurse came in "Um, Kyle Broflovski?"  
"That's us" me and my mom walked into the examining room.

"Oh, Hello Kyle nice to see you again" The doctor flashed a smile  
"You too."  
"Ok, so lets check out that heart rate."  
The doctor put a Heart monitor on my chest and looked at his watch.  
"good."  
"Now I need you to breath deep for me.."  


* * *

I get home, throw my backpack on the floor, and take out my homework.  
Friday night and the first thing I do is homework.  
Great. Maybe I am a nerd. as I begin writing my phone rang. Maybe Its Stan,

"Hello" I answer,  
Nothing.  
"Hello?" I ask again.  
"Hey kahl"

Cartman?

"Uh.. Hi"  
"Um, You know that project Mrs. Elson told us about?"  
"yeah"  
"well, she assigned us to work together."

**WHAT?!**

The phone was about to slip out of my hand,Then I heard a  
"Kahl….. Kahl? Answer me!"  
I griped onto it.  
"I'm here."

This cannot be happening.

"So, when do you want to work on it?" I ask.  
"I'm available tonight."  
_Tonight?  
_  
"uhh.."I thought about it,  
Well I guess I should just get it over with.  
The sooner the better.

"Umm.. Sure Cartman. My house your yours?"  
"how about mine?"  
"fine."  
"Great. See you at 6:30" and I heard a click.  
I hung up.

I have to go to Cartman's house?  
I pace around my room, then stop.  
I tighten my fists "FUCK" I yell.

"Language!" I heard my mom downstairs.

* * *

I grabbed my coat and shoes and went to the kitchen where my mom was,  
"Um.. I'm going to Cartman's. We have to work on a school project."  
"Ok bubby.." she paused  
"Now your sure you and Eric Cartman are just friends right?"  
My heart race paced faster.  
"YES!"  
"ok."  
"Do you have to ask me every time I go to a guys house ifwere only friends?"  
"I'm just checking."

Damn it. It seems like ever sense I told them I'm gay she get all suspicious  
just going to a guys house.  
Maybe I shouldn't have told them.

I walk through the cold getting to Cartman's.  
Its colder then usual.  
I tug my coat tighter,  
I think my hat almost fell off from the wind But I caught it.  
I get to Cartman's doorstep,  
I was about to knock but Cartman already opened the door.

"Hey kahl"  
"um.. Hey Cartman."

fuck.  
This is going to be really awkward isn't it.

I let myself inside and sat on his couch.  
Thank god I'm out of that fucking cold snow.

cartman turned and smiled  
what is he thinking?

All the sudden I feel My stomach start going crazy  
and my cheeks are burning up,God damn it!  
Not again.  
That's really starting to piss me off.

Then Cartman just randomly disappeared into his kitchen.  
Ok.. Leave me here..  
As if its not weird enough being here.  
last time I was here I ran out because He kissed me.

Cartman came back a few seconds later with a tray with two plates and two glasses,  
"My mom made this for us.."  
"Oh, Um thanks."I looked at the plate of peanut butter sandwiches made in little pieces,  
and a glasses of..I don't know what that is.

"What's the drink?"  
"Oh, it's vanelapean juice."  
"Vanelapean juice?"

I never heard of it.  
"Yeah, Its this new thing that's out."  
"Oh, um ok."  
Cartman Put the plate and juice in font of me,

This is so weird sitting right next to him.  
I still feel my stomach floping.

"What's wrong with your face?" he frowned at me.  
I still felt my cheeks burning up, Its probably a reddish color by now.  
"oh uh.. Its cold outside."  
"yeah. That's why I made you walk your Jew ass over here."  
I giggled.

Wait, why did I giggle? That's not funny.  
I frowned "Cartman that's not cool."

"whatever. You laughed."  
I shook my head.  
"Whatever, lets just start working on the project."  
I saw him smile in the corner of my eye.  
Whatever.

"So what have you done so far?"  
"nothing."  
"Nothing? Cartman!  
If we have to work on this project your going to have to do some work  
lazy fat ass. I'm not ruining my good grades over you"

He put his hands behind his head and laid back on the couch and smiled.  
"nerd" he mumbled.  
asshole.

I start writing a paper on World war two.  
We had to do a project on what happened and make a board with pictures and facts on it.  
I was writing for awhile, and Cartman was still sitting on his lazy ass watching tv.

"Damn it Cartman you have to do something!"  
"What do you want me to do?" he glared at me.  
"I don't know, Something! Start reading this book and find some facts so we can put it on the board."  
I handed him a book I brought with me.

Cartman groaned."God Kahl your way to uptight."  
"You have to be if you want to get into a good collage!"

Cartman rolled his eyes."Don't you ever take a break?"  
"a break?"  
"Yeah, when you stop working for awhile."  
"You haven't been working at all! You've been on a break sense I got here!"  
"God kahl calm your ass down! See, you are too uptight. Come on, just watch some tv"  
"We need to be working on this" I said in a flat tone.

"We will but your too tense and we need to calm your jew nerves down a bit"  
My lips slowly curved into a smile.  
I caught myself,  
Why the fuck am I smiling?  
We need to be working on this.

"Come on," Cartman nuged, When his shoulder touched mine,  
I felt my heart jump into my throat.

"You pick" He handed me the remote.  
I thought about this for a second then slowly toke the remote from his hand.  
I turned on the history channel.

Cartman wined "Come on anything but this!"  
"You said I can pick"  
"yeah but.. Dude, this is like being at school."  
I frowned "So? I like this stuff."

"And that's why you're a nerd," he pointed out.  
"Your such an asshole Cartman."  
Cartman looked at the plate,  
"And you haven't even touched your sandwiches"he glanced at the glass  
"Or juice."  
"I'm not really that hungry."  
"Come on, My mom worked really hard on it."

I looked at the plate,  
She worked really hard on making a few tiny peanut butter sandwiches?  
I looked at Cartman and he looked almost sad.  
I feel bad now.

I toke a few bits of the sandwiches and toke a sip of the drink.  
"Hey," I said holding the glass,  
"This isn't that bad."I drank more.  
"This is really good"  
Cartman smiled.I drank the whole glass,

"Hey Cartman, do you have anymore of this stuff?"  
Cartman got up and went into the kitchen and came back with another glass.  
I toke it and started drinking.  
Cartman smiled evilly, But I didn't catch it.

This really good, Its like a grape flavored Sprite or something.  
"I need to buy some of this stuff"  
He smiled at me,  
Then I felt my cheeks burn up again.  
I'm getting mad at myself for doing that.  
I stared at my empty glass.  
"I'll get you more" Cartman smiled and disappeared into his kitchen

I don't know how many glasses I had but that stuff was really fucking good.  
I started to forget all about the project and Just sat and watched TV with Cartman.

For some reason, I felt kind of.. Woozy,  
I felt like the room was moving a little bit.  
"Can you get me one more glass?" I ask weakly,  
When I finish that one.  
"My pleasure" He smiled and went into the kitchen.  
I felt like my body was getting numb.  
Cartman came back and handed me another Glass,  
I drank some of it then set it down,

Im starting to feel.. Really dizzy.

* * *

Sumoko-chan, I toke your advice on the homework Idea. lol

Thank you reviewers :D  
I hope you liked this chapter.  
I love you guys.  
The next one will be crazy


	17. Chapter 17 Friday night

The world is spinning,  
I cant even stand up.  
I cant even see straight,  
I tried to stand up and Cartman caught me when I almost fell down.  
Simply, I was drunk.  
Whatever Cartman gave me was not juice.  
I keep forgetting where I am, and everything seems like it's in slow motion.

"Weee, I'm flying!" I laugh and hold my arms in the air,  
Standing on his couch.

"Sure you are." Cartman glared and grabed my arm tugging me down

"Come down before you hurt yourself."  
I kept laughing for no reason,  
Cartman finnaly tugged me off and I fell into his arms.  
I laughed rolled my numb fingers down his lips,  
I'm not sure what his facial expression was I couldn't see straight.  
Its like his face was moving around.

But he didn't do anything.  
He just kept me in that position.

"Come.. Come over here" I smiled  
"I'm right next to you"  
"oh."  
Cartman never switched his position,  
I'm still bent over in his arms.

I coughed,  
"ugh, you breath reeks of that shit" he said.  
I laughed,

"What'd you.. Whatd you give my mouth?"  
He smiled that evil smile he used to always give me.  
"Whisky." He laughed.  
"That, I, No, didn't taste that"  
He shrugged "I'm good at mixing drinks"

He was still holding me in his arms,  
"I wanna, Tell, Come over here, I'll tell you a secret"  
I motioned him to get closer.  
"I want you" I whispered in his ear.

"You what?"  
"No I, I like you. You sense long time"  
"You liked me sense long time?"  
I laughed and nodded my head.

"You know.. I'll tell you, I had a mind dream ok?"  
"a mind dream?"  
"A dream when you sleep" I murmured.  
"oh..Uh huh"  
"And uh.. Wait what was I saying?"  
my mind went blank.

I laughed "I like the color yellow" and I laughed almost falling down.  
"No Kahl, Kahl focas.." He lifted me up by my shoulders  
"uh huh" I said with my eyes half shut.

"You said you had a dream about something, what did you dream?!"  
"Oh.. I drempt of something?"  
Cartman sighed, getting frustrated "Yes, You were just going to tell me about something you drempt"

I thought for a minute,  
Seemed like the house was tipping over.

"Oh.. Yea I drempt one night, You and me, And I loved you in my dream."  
I couldn't see Cartman's expression.

He leaned me closer with his arms and kissed me,  
a long soothing kiss.  
I kissed him back, He held my sides and I gripped onto his back,  
I let him lead me onto the couch and I felt his lips kissing me and his hands behind me  
and I kissed him harder.  
I felt myself getting hard.  
I've wanted this for the longest time.  
I put my fingers through his hair and I kept kissing him.  
I felt his fingers going up inside my coat then reached inside my shirt.  
When we kissed It was like fire.  
I let him circle his fingers around my bare back and I reached inside his and started feeling him up.  
I pulled back and kissed him on the cheek, he looked down at me with a serious look.

"I can.. You know, I wanted this to happen.. with you. You know?"  
I didn't know what I was saying but I didn't care.  
Cartman smiled. "Dumb Jew." He Unbuckled my jeans  
He sat up on top of me unzipping my coat and toke it off,  
He grinded the lower part of his body teasingly agenst mine, He can probably feel my boner now.  
I Reached under his shirt and quickly toke it off.  
Cartman dove towards me and we started kissing again.  
Cartman was on top of me but I could barley feel his weight, It felt so warm,  
his kisses were so.. Fucking breathtaking.

The world was still spinning and I was having an orgasm at the same time,  
Its felt so fucking amazing.  
It was getting so hot, I started breathing harder, But our lips were locked, tongue in tongue  
and his hands were feeling all over me, I held onto his back to get closer to him,  
Not like we could get any closer then that.  
Finally we released lips and I whispered

"I knew Love you.. I mean, I cant talk. I, really love you.."  
"Shhh.." He kissed me again, pressing me closer to him,  
"Don't spoil the moment" He whispered in my ear.

I laugh and he starts kissing me again.  
Throughout the whole night.

* * *

The next morning, I woke up expecting to be in my room,  
But jumped When I didn't know where I was.

I looked around quickly, then realized I was in Cartman's room.  
My head was pounding, I had the biggest headache.

I looked down then realized.. I was naked.. In Cartman's room, In Cartman's bed.  
What happened last night?

**What the fuck happened last night?!**

I don't remember much,  
I started thinking back, I remember a few things.

I remember pretending I was an airplane,  
I remember Me throwing up on his floor,  
I remember.. Me kissing Cartman ..  
Me holding Cartman..  
Oh my god that couldn't have happened!  
Did it?  
Really?!  
Oh fuck!.. I started freaking out.

**Why did I do that?  
**How the fuck did I end up doing that?!

I is all Cartman's fault.  
He fucking gave me alcohol!  
**HE TOLD ME IT WAS JUICE!  
**That son of a bitch.

I want to march down stairs and scream at Him,  
I was about too, I got up and put my hand on the door,  
Then realized, I was still naked.

Where the fuck are my clothes?  
I looked around then found them in his closet.  
I quickly put my clothes on and stomped down his stairs.

I want to strangle that fat bastard.  
I stomp down his stairs,"CARTMAN!" I yell,  
"CARTMAN!?" I yell again,  
I go around his house but couldn't find him,  
I went into the kitchen and find a plate of French toast and a note.  
I go over and read the note.

kyle,  
Went to the store. Were out of milk.  
be back in awhile, I made you breakfest.  
-Cartman  
p.s I loved jabbing your jew ass last night,  
never knew you had dreams about me ;)  
love you.

love you? He doesn't love anything!  
Except for fat foods. Who does he think he is saying love you?  
Last night was nothing!  
I was drunk for Christ sake!  
I put my hand over my mouth..

I calm myself down, I didn't cheat on Stan.  
Well, I did but I didn't mean too.

I sat down on a chair.  
And The worst part was,  
I hate to addmitt it But, when me and Cartman made out last night,  
I can only remember parts of I kind of liked it..

DAMN IT!  
That's bad.. That's really, really bad.  
I am in so much deep shit.

* * *

Hope you liked the chapter.. Hah I was writting it and even  
**I** was getting into it!  
lol  
Thats prob one of my fav chapters.. so far.  
Oh, and THANK YOU REVIEWERS! :D


	18. Chapter 18 Stan

I left the house after I read the note,  
I left the french toast sitting there.  
I wanted to be gone before he comes back.

I still cannot believe what happened.  
I cant believe I did that, That **We** did that.

I stopped walking, Did we have sex?  
I mean I was naked but I.. I dont remeber.  
Great, Now I dont even know if I'm still a vergin or not.

Whatever happened last night was a mistake.  
a stupid, stupid mistake.  
I mean I was drunk, I couldnt think straight.  
He toke advantage of me.

I got mad just thinking about it.  
I opened the door to my house,  
My mom smiled

"Hey Bubby, how was your night at eric's house?"

**He told her?**  
He must have called her or somthing.  
"Uh.. good."  
"Well thats good"

I started walking upstairs.  
"Oh and your friend Stan called. A few times."  
My stomach dropped,

"You didnt tell him where I was did you?"  
She thought about it  
"No, He didnt ask."  
I felt a wave of relief run through me.  
I grabbed the phone and went upstairs to my room.

I dialed Stan's number, It rang three times  
"Hello?" Stans voice asked weakly.  
"Hey Stan"  
"Dude.." His voice raised, "Where were you yesterday?!"  
"Oh.. I was.. um"  
I paused.  
"At my cousins"  
"Your cousins?"  
"yeah."  
"Dude, Your cousin lives in Connecticut"  
"Oh.. uh, No My other cousin"  
"You have another cousin?"  
"yeah."  
"Oh.. Kyle we had plans yesterday"  
"We did?"  
"Yes, what you forgot?!"

Oh fuck, I remember now, We did have plans yesterday,  
I was suppose to go to his house.  
I completely forgot.

"Oh, oh fuck, I'm sorry Stan, My mind was everywhere last night.  
I'm sorry"  
"Ughh.. I cant believe you forgot."  
"I know, But I'm really sorry"  
He sighed.  
"Ok. but you owe me."  
I smiled, "Anytime, anyplace."  
"Ok, Tonight. You Me, starks pond."  
"Starks pond? We havent been there in years."  
"I know. Thats why I want to go"  
I laughed, Stan is so cute.

"Alright."  
"Ok, I'll come over to your house at 7:00 and  
we can go over"  
"Sounds great"  
"Kay. See you later"  
I blushed, "Bye stan."  
"Love you," He added  
I paused,  
"Love you too"  
and he hung up the phone.

I got the butterflies back, "Yes!" I said aloud.  
I cant wait to see Stan tonight

* * *

Stan knocked on my door at exactly 7:00 that night.  
I grinned, He's always on time.  
I opened the door and he smiled,

"Hey"  
"Hey" I felt my cheeks burn.  
"Ready to go?"  
"yeah. hold on"  
I walk into the kitchen,  
"Ma, I'm going with Stan for a few hours."  
She glanced at me "Dont do anything you'll regreat kyle"

**What's that suppose to mean?"**

"Uh, ok. bye."  
For some reason I feel like she knows.

* * *

We walked to Stark's pond and sat on the ground.  
It seems like forever sense We've been here.

Stan toke something out of his pocket and gave it to me.  
A flower.

"Dude I'm not a fucking girl"  
He puts his hand around my shoulder  
"Your my girl" He smiles.  
I laugh, "No, Your my girl" I joke  
and put my arm around him.  
"No, My girl" stan teased  
"I'm the boy, your the girl"  
We laughed.

See this is why I love Stan.  
We've been through everything together.  
I feel like he's the only person who knows the real me.  
He always know's how to make me smile, make me laugh,  
and when I look into his eyes, I can see he really loves me.  
Nothing Cartman could ever compete with.  
Stan is my everything.

I leaned in and Kissed him on the cheek  
and he his cheeks turned a bright red and smiled.

I also love that Stan is more shy,  
He'll kiss me in public but only beacuse he  
knows I'm ok with it. He wouldnt ever make me do somthing  
I'm uncompterable with.  
Most important, He wouldnt purposly get me drunk and take over  
me.

Then Stan leaned in and kissed me on the lips and I kissed him back.  
We laid down in the grass while we kissed.  
I started getting thoughts in my head while we kissed,

**Why Do I feel like a man whore?  
**  
Probably beacuse I did this exact same thing yesterday  
with a guy who wasent my boyfriend, possibly had sex,  
and now the very next night I'm doing it with someone else.  
God, I have this knot in my stomach thinking about it.

Kissing Stan Is great, I mean I really love him.  
But why do I feel so bad?  
Stan started reaching the inside of my shirt  
"Stan!" I stopped him.  
He looked up at me,  
"Too soon?" He asked.  
I smiled a sypathetic look.  
"Thats ok" he smiled and we starting kissing again.  
Awhile later he looks up at me.  
"What's that?"  
"What?"  
"The red spot on your neck."

A red spot.. **FUCK!**  
**CARTMAN GAVE ME A HICKEY?!**  
Fuck no..

"Oh.. uh.."  
Think of somthing!  
Think, **THINK THINK!**

"My mom uh, had this neck massager she wanted me to try  
Out, and it uh, pressed to hard."

Ok, I know how lame that sounded.  
Stan raised his eyebrow at me.  
"Uh.. ok" and he started kissing me again.

God.. That was a close one.  
Wait, I dont even think a neck massager can give you a red mark  
if it presses too hard.. Oh, well. Atleast Stan's gullible. He fell for it.

I feel like a whore doing this again, but with a different guy.  
I shook the thought out of my head.  
Last night wasent suppose to happen I reminded myself.  
and If I was Stable it wouldnt have.

* * *

When I got home, All the lights were off.  
I guess my parents already fell asleep.  
I'm guessing its about 12:00, 12:30?

I tiptoed up stairs and went into the bathroom and turned on the light.  
I toke a look at my neck.  
There was a red mark.

"Fucking fat ass." I whisper aloud.  
Actually now that I think about it,  
he really isn't all that fat anymore.  
He lost tons of weight over the years,  
He still had a little baby fat left though.  
We still call him fat ass because we used that nickname  
forever, and we cant give it up.

I got some toilet paper wet and tried to scrub  
It off but It wouldnt come off.  
Great, Now what am I suppose to do?  
If my mom see's this she'll kill me.  
She'll think Stan did this!

I scrubbed the toilet paper harder on my neck.  
I decided to steal my Mom's makeup in the morning,  
I could try to cover it or somthing.

* * *

The next morning I woke up and sleepily walked into the kitchen,  
I saw my mom there  
"Oh, Good morning Bubby, I have to go to the store  
so Watch your brother Ike."  
"ok."

She grabbed her purse and went out the door.  
Ike's probably still sleeping, or he would be up here already  
eating cherrios and watching cartoons.

I ran up stairs and into my parents bedroom and found my mom's make up box.  
I digged through it. I have no idea what half the stuff was.

I found this black stinny stick like thing, and when you open  
it, black liquid with little twirls of.. somthing are at the end of it.  
I found lipstick, well I know what that looks like.  
And some kid of torture device.  
It looked like sizzors but It was shapped funny.  
Women are weird.

I finnaly found a bottle, That inside it looked like My skin color,  
I opened it and there was a mix of that stuff.  
Great! I found it,

I Opened it and applied it on my neck  
looking Into my mom's mirror.  
As I was putting it on I heard someone in the doorway.  
I looked and Ike was standing there  
With a horrified look in his face.  
I looked at the bottle, then looked at Ike.

"Ike, This isnt what it looks like"  
His eyes looked like They were going to buldge out of his skull.  
He backed up slowly and walked away.  
Fantastic. My brother thinks I'm a fag now.

Few minneutes later there was a knock on the door,  
I walked downstairs and opened it.  
Stan was there,  
I felt my face light up

"Hey" he smiled  
"Hey"  
"Can you hang out today?"  
"I wish. Maybe later, I have to watch my brother."  
"Oh, I could hang out here and help you."  
"Cool" I smiled  
And let him in.

"Hi Ike" Stan greeted him.  
Ike crossed his arms and walked away,  
"He ok?" He asked me.  
"oh.. uh, hes fine."

We both sat on the couch.  
"Hey that red marks gone" He pointed at my neck.  
"Yep. Its gone"  
"Weird how it could just disapire like that."  
"um. yeah"

Switch the subject.

"Oh hey, I dont think Ike would be too comterable with us kissing infront of him."  
I whispered.  
Stan blinked. "Dude I wouldnt be comterable kissing infront of him."  
I laughed.

Few hours later My mom came home,  
She was smiling then her expression changed when  
she saw Stan.

"Oh, Hey Stanly. Didnt know you were here"  
"Oh, yeah. hi" He responded.  
Mom just stod there,

"Well, I'm going to put these grocierys away"  
She finnaly said. and walked out if the room.

"Well.. that was, weird." Stan looked at me,  
"Yeah" I whispered, "I think she knows"  
Stan raised his eyebrow, "Well of corse she knows"  
"What? how do you know?"  
"My mom told her"  
"Wha.. Why didnt you tell me she told her?!"  
"I thought you already knew."  
I put my head in my hand and clench my eyes shut.  
"No I didnt know."  
"Oh"  
Stan frowned at the ground.

"Well.. Now that your mom's home, want to go out?"  
"Um, Sure. hold on"  
I go into the kitchen and stand behind my mom.  
she was waching the dishes.

"I'm sorry" I say to her.  
She turned around "Oh, hey kyle. Sorry for what?"  
"for lying. about, me and stan"  
"Oh.." she turned back to the sink, "Well, whatever makes you happy."  
I could tell by her tone she wasent exactly jumping for joy.  
I know she wishes I wasent gay.  
I wish I couldnt keep disapointing her, proving I am.  
I sigh at the ground.

"Well, were going to go out for awhile"  
"oh.. um, well ok. Be careful."  
Be careful?  
"uh, ok."

And I walk back to Stan, "Ok lets go."  
He hops off my couch and we head outside.  
He grabs my hand as we walk down the street.  
"So, where do you want to go?" I ask him.  
He smiled, "Anywhere. Just wanted to be with you."  
I blush, Thats Stan. Cheesy guy. I love it though.

* * *

We stopped at Rick's Farm.

Not the most romantic place in the world,  
But Stan loves animals.  
And it was acctually really fun there.  
And The way I saw Stan petting the horse  
and feeding him,  
Strangely made me realize what a caring person he is.  
How did I get so lucky to have him?

* * *

Later I get home and decide I have to finnaly work on my homework.  
Ive been slacking off enough.

First I check the phone and It says 8 missed calls.  
I press down through the coller ID

Cartman  
Cartman  
Cartman  
Cartman  
Cartman  
Grandma  
Aunt suzie  
Cartman

Cartman obviously wants to talk to me.  
I dont want to talk to him after what he did.  
I can say that in my thoughts but inside I know  
I really do want to talk to him..I kind of miss him.  
No I dont! I erase the thought.  
He's just an asshole who toke over me when I was  
Chemically unbalanced.

I Wounder What he wants

* * *

Thank you reviewers!  
You guys are the reason I keep writting :)


	19. Chapter 19 Stuck

I am Walking to the bus stop Monday Morning.  
I see Stan in the distance smiling at me.  
I don't know what to expect from Cartman.  
I last talked to him sense Friday night.

I know with each step as I get closer to them I'm getting more and more nervous.  
I kept praying that the bus would pull up as soon as I reach there. It didn't.  
"Hey" Stan kissed me.  
I looked at Cartman, He was starring at me with this look of.. Anger maybe?  
He didn't look happy.  
"Hey" I smile back at Stan.

I didn't want to seem like anything was wrong.  
I felt so weird to me.  
it's unbelievable that all four of us are best friends and three out  
of four us turn out to be gay?  
Or at least I think.. Maybe Kenny is Bi..  
I don't know.

"Ready for next weekend?" Stan grinned.  
"uh yeah" I fake smiled.  
Cartman Is still giving me the evil eye.

**What the hell?!** What does he want?

Even though he called a trillion times yesterday, I didn't answer.  
The bus pulled up and I sat next to Stan.  
Kenny and Cartman sat behind us. It's really creepy,  
I can feel Cartman's eyes watching me.  
I wish they would have sat in the front..

* * *

When we got to school I was walking with Stan to my locker,  
I kept looking behind me and looking around.

No matter where I turned I was scarred he was watching me or something.  
I know he's probably not, I'm probably just paranoid.  
But If someone gave you that look You'd be pretty scared too.

I got to my locker,  
"See you in Class" Stan smiled And walked the other way.  
I grabbed my books and Quickly started walking to my class then all the sudden  
I felt a grab on my arm and It yanked me the other way,  
I looked and it was..  
It was Cartman!

"What the hell are you doing?! Let go!"  
"shh!" He demanded  
I tried pulling out of his grip but he just clutched onto me tighter  
and It hurt. Fuck, He's gotten so strong.  
He pulled me until we got into the janitors closet.

"What the hell Cartman?!"  
"Why the fuck haven't you answered my calls?!"  
"What? Oh, I've been busy"  
He rolls his eyes "Sure. I don't think you'd be busy for Two whole days  
out of the house straight. Unless your sleeping with someone else now too."  
He snickered

"HEY!" I pointed in his face  
"The only reason that happened is because You drugged me you asshole!  
You drugged me and You toke advantage of me! Why the fuck would you do that?!  
I fucking hate you."

I grab the door handle But Cartman grabs my hand away from it.  
He pulls me by my jacket violently getting me close to his face

"JUST listen to me!"  
He lets go of me.  
"Now Iggnore The whole me drugging you thing for a sec.  
You told me You loved me" he frowned at me  
"You even told me you had dreams about me!"

"I was drunk! I probably said a lot of things that weren't true!"  
Cartman nooded his head and glared at me.  
"Kahl, EVERYONE knows that when people are drunk, they blurt out the things they hide.  
it's a scientific fact."

I frown back at him,  
"And sense when do YOU know about scientific facts fat ass?"  
"Ugh.. I'm not stupid, the whole world knows that."

I feel my stomach boil in nervousness, I swear I was shaking,  
I force myself to turn around..

I sigh. I Hate to admit this.  
But Thats true. It is a fact.. he got me.  
I guess its true.I guess that dream, and the feelings…  
I guess I do… like him.  
Love him, Maybe.  
I guess, When I had a little crush on him a long time ago,  
It never went away.

I sighed. And I fucking hate myself for it.  
I turned back to face him.

"I.."  
I didn't know what to say.

"Kahl" he held my arms  
"We are meant to be together! dont you fucking see that?  
I love you? Ok?Does that mean anything!?"

"Uh..I.."  
I'm speechless.I cant even speak words.  
"And don't you fucking say anything about stan!  
I fucking hate him!"I finnaly got the nerve to talk.  
"Why do you hate him so much? What has he ever done to you?"  
"HE toke you away from me!" He yelled,  
Then lowered his head looking left and right.

He probably shouldn't yell,  
considering we are in a school janitors closet.  
I could tell he was getting frustrated by the look he was giving me.  
"When I liked you.." he began  
"Your dumb jew cockiness never even gave a second glance at me,  
So I started making fun of you, and you actually have me some attention,  
Which was better then none.  
I realized your best friend, Stan was so lucky.  
He got to spend Every day with you all the time. And I hated it."

He tightened his fists.  
"It.. It just wasn't fair."  
He frowned and looked down,  
"Then I finally got over you, or else tried too,  
You came out that your gay, and he's gay and he got to be your boyfriend too!"

He raised his voice  
"Its like When you guys were holding hands at the bus stop Its like  
He was rubbing it in my face! He got you before all the time and now he's your fucking boyfriend!  
for Christ sake!"

I stood still.. Still grasping this was real  
"it's not fucking fair!" He forcefully kicked a can that was in here.  
It turned quiet.  
Then his anger seemed to turn into a sadness,  
I swear I saw his eye's water.  
He was right, I really never knew the real him.

"I love you.." he squeaked.  
"And he gets that too.."

I could clearly see him eyes watering, But no tears came out.  
Its like.. He was crying, but with no tears.

He starred at me with his beautiful brown watery eyes,  
Just starring.  
He looks so Vulnerable.

He was looking at me waiting to say something..  
What am I suppose to say?  
My heart aches seeing him like this, He makes me want to cry.

"I.." I begin.  
I don't know what to say.  
I..I think I've always loved him.  
But I love stan.  
Oh my god.. I love them both

"Oh my god," I wimped and put my head into my hands,  
I feel myself beginning to cry.  
I don't know what to do..  
I don't know what to do.

I felt Cartman put his hands on my shoulders,  
then his finger on my chin, forcing me to look up at him  
Then He.. He hugged me.

I let out a sob and he hugged me he kissed my cheek and Hugged me again.  
I felt so safe. Being in his arms, His big arms, Warm arms I just felt so.. Safe.  
And comfortable.

"Oh my god.." I whispered to myself again.  
What am I suppose to do?  
I love them both..  
I'm in love with them both.

I held onto him tighter,  
He is such a good person.  
I would have never imagined us hugging like this..  
Then again I would have never imagined us sleeping together either.  
I pulled away from the hug and looked up at him.  
I just felt so in the moment.  
I'm in love with him..But I'm also In love with someone else..  
What the fuck am I sippose to do?

I think of this and start to cry again,Cartman gives me another hug rubbing my back  
"shh.." he comforts me.  
He's never been this nice to me in my entire life.  
I should savor it, He'll probably go right back to being an asshole later.

I pull away from the hug again and look up to him.  
Cartman looks generally sad seeing me like that.  
I lean and kiss him.  
He jumps back a little, Surprised and caught off guard.

Then he looks at me. His face was unreadable.  
He walked towards me and kissed me back.

We were kissing for about two minutes  
Then we pulled away, I realized we were still in the closet.

"Guess we better get out of the closet." I said.  
Cartman laughed.  
A second later I got the joke and laughed with him.

"My dear Jew," he rolled his finger down my face.  
"We already have" he said looking at me with a serious face.  
Then we both burst out laughing.

We opened the door.  
Everyone was still in class,  
The hallways were empty.

We came out and started walking in the halls.  
I missed first period. The one I had with Stan.

I hate thinking about it.  
I am such a horrible person.  
I cheated on Stan.  
I know that I did.  
It is official that I have, and this time I was clearly knew what I was doing.  
I cheated on my best friend.

I rubbed my eyes, Damn it. I feel like I'm about to cry again,  
Ugh why am I so god damn emotional?!  
I hate that!I felt Cartman put his arm around my shoulder,

Aw hes so sweet.

"Stop whinning" he whispered to me.  
I frowned. right when I thought he was being sweet,  
he goes and says something like that.

I feel myself getting angry  
"I.."  
But he kisses me before I could finish my sentence.  
the anger I had just vanished.

"You know.."  
he says to me  
"We could just skip school" He smiled.  
"Oh, nu uh."  
"Why not?"  
"I never miss school."  
Cartman glared. "Still a nerd." he smirks.  
"Oh shut up" I mutter and He laughed

We walked to my locker,  
I figure I might as well wait here till the bell rings  
for the next class.

Cartman kissed me and starts walking away.

"Um Cartman?" I stop him.  
He turns around.  
"We.. We cant tell Stan about this"  
He frowns at me  
"Why the fuck not"  
"We just cant right now."  
"So what, He gets to go free,  
getting his hands all over You still claming he's your suppose boyfriend?!"

Ugh.. Hes getting angry. Great.  
"Not exactly.. Uh.. I wont let him touch me,and I.."  
I think.  
"Just have to wait for the right time."I said.

That did it. Cartman smiled and walked over to me,  
Kissed me one more time and walked away.  
Wait.. What the fuck did I just say?  
I pulled myself back into reality.

Do I even Want to break up with Stan?  
No.  
I answer myself.  
But do I want to lose Cartman"  
No.  
I love him too..Oh my god.. I'm fucking stuck.  
I feel myself start to tear up again.  
"Stop crying." I tell myself out loud.

I walk into the Bathroom.  
I should get myself cleaned up.

* * *

haha sorry that was sooo long.  
I think THIS one is my new favorite chapter :)  
Please review..  
I love anyone who will review me.


	20. Chapter 20 Behind his back

I laid in bed in the dark.  
I blocked out all sun light,  
And had my blankets up to my lips.  
Tissue paper was all over my bed as well as a box right them next to me on my on my stand.  
I couldn't stop crying.

My eyes were burning and my nose was stuffed,  
I kept sniffling but that only made it worse.  
My head hurt, I'm emotionally sick and from doing this for the last hour probably  
turning physically sick but I didn't care.  
I didn't want to go to tomorrow school anyway.

I mean, How could I do this to Stan,  
My heart is tearing me away from all I love.I'm in love with Stan.  
He's so caring, He loves me for me, He's always been there for me.

I fucking hate myself, that I also love Cartman for some unexplainable reason.  
I've loved him before I fell in love with Stan,  
I've always loved him. He's the reason I found out I was gay,  
That physical attraction was always there.  
It turns me on the way he demands and can be aggressive..Those things are probably bad  
but I'm some how attracted to it.

I burry my face in my pillow.  
**What am I suppose to do?**

I heard a knock on my door,  
"Go away!" I called holding back tears.  
But they decided to come in anyway.  
I felt My mom put a hand on my shoulder.

"Bubby.. What's wrong?!" A flash on concern went across her face.  
I wiped off my tears."Oh um.. Nothing."  
"No, kyle! tell me right now what's wrong?!"  
"Nothing, mom really"  
"You've been up here for an hour crying? Why?"  
"No reason, really I.."  
"Did you and Stan have a fight?"  
"no"  
"Then what's the matter?"  
"Nothing,"  
"Do you want me to get your father?"  
"No"  
"Well tell me whats wrong"

She never gives up, does she?

"Ma, There's really nothing wrong ok?  
I just really want to be alone right now."  
"Yes, But in dear god's name why?"  
"Mom.. Please"

She sighed and slowly went to the door,  
"I'll be out here if you need me"She said.  
"Ok."  
And she shut the door.

I Should have kept it all a secret.  
I should have never told anyone I was Gay.  
Then None of this would have ever happened.

* * *

  
I eventually fell asleep, With dried tear stains on my face.  
I awoke to the sound of a tapping noise.

I opened my eyes, and kept hearing,

_Tap, Tap. Tap Tap_ _Tap_

I looked and.. And Cartman was at my window  
What is he doing?

I Opened it and Cartman climbed through  
"What the hell?"  
"About fucking time you wake up!  
Toke me three minutes of knocking to wake your Jew ass up"  
"Sorry I'm not really used to a fat ass's sitting in my tree knocking on my window "  
I frown back at him.  
"Well hello to you too." He smirks.

I glare at him.  
I hate him.

Cartman rolls his eyes "I'm so-rry" he over exaggerates, And gives me a kiss on the check  
and lays down on my bed next to me.

I'm confussed.  
"So what, you think you can come through my window and be in here whenever you feel like it?"  
"Pretty much." he smiles.  
"great." I frown.  
"You know you want me here" he grins at me.  
"Whatever." I lay back down I didnt fight back beacuse truth is,  
I actually liked Him lying next to me..In my bed. Gave me a warm feeling.

"Kyle" I heard my mom coming up the stairs I stod up and quickly push Cartman off the side of my bed  
"Ow!" He groaned as my mom walked in.  
That was close.

"Your.. Boyfriend is here" She said flat.  
Stan walked behind here.  
"Hey" He smiled walking over to me  
"Uh Hey" I smiled

My heart was jumping,  
Oh my god..Please don't let him see Cartman oh god please dont let him see Cartman please!!  
Cartman was laying on the ground on the other side of my bed..

My mom shut the door.. Surprisingly, I cant believe she's letting me be in here with him alone.  
Stan gave me a sweet smile.  
"I heard your not feeling well"  
"hah.. Yeah."  
"I'm sorry" he kissed my forehead.

I can just imagine the look on Cartman's face right now,  
He's right below us.

"Oh, why's your window open?"Stan starts walking towards it,  
FUCK! I forgot to close it!If stan walks over there he'll see him!  
I quickly went up to the window and slamed it shut."I got it!"

Stan raised his eyebrow,"Uh.. Ok."  
Thank god, he stopped walking.

Stan sat down, at the end of my bed.  
"I was thinking, maybe later if your feeling better we can go see a movie tonight."  
"Uh.."  
I really would like to go see a movie with him, but considering Cartman Is right below me,  
I don't think he'd approve.

"Um, I probably wont feel any better. I think I really caught something,  
And I don't want to get you sick."  
A look of saddness reviled through his face, then he smiled,  
"Well, I can keep you company" He smiled and laid down on my bed.  
I said nothing.  
I wounder what Cartman's thinking right now.

"You know I've really missed you" he flashed me a smile.  
I smiled back at him.  
"I was thinking, Maybe tomorrow you can come with us to go see my aunt,  
My mom said you can come, and We can go up to her port house."  
"Port house?"  
"Yeah they live on the river and they have this private port house that noone ever really goes in.  
Its like a shed kind of, they keep all their old stuff in there. But we call it a port house."  
"Oh."

I feel tense. Talking about this with Stan while Cartman's underneath us..  
Stan flashed a flirtish grin, "We can be alone"  
His cheeks turned red.

"oh uh, yeah. But I think.. My mom wouldn't let me go."  
Stan's smile dissapired. "Oh yeah." he looked down, then said  
"Dude, I don't think your mom likes me.. Like she used too but ever sense  
We came out and said were dating, she kind of, Gives me weird looks."

I sighed.  
"It's not you. Really. She's just.. Not used to the idea she'll come around." He smiled,  
He leaned in and we toke hold of my theigh and kissed me leaning me backwards,  
Then I shot up, Remembering Cartman is still in here.

"We cant do this" I said quickly  
"Why" Stan smiled.  
"I Uh, I don't want to get you sick."  
Stan got up awkwardly then grinned,  
"Ok. Want me to see you later?"  
"Um, actually I probably need some sleep so How about I'll call you tomorrow?"  
His grin disappeared. "uh.. Ok."

I smiled at him and he walked out of the door.  
I sighed with relief when he seconds later, Cartman got up from the side of my bed.

"Kahl.. What the fuck was that!?"  
"What?"  
"You kissed him!"  
"I know.. I'm sorry."

Cartman rolled his eyes,  
"You said you wouldn't let him touch you."  
"I know but look, We're going to have to pretend me and Stan are still  
dateing for alittle while."  
"What?! Why?!" he sceamed.

I help but notice he looks kind of cute when he gets all angry  
so fast.I couldn't help but gigle alittle bit.

"What the fuck is so funny?"  
his eyebrows clenched closer together,  
That made me laugh more.  
"WHAT?! He yelled.  
I caught my breath, "Nothing, you get mad so easily."  
"Yeah well I'm pissed off." He crossed his arms.

I had a really, REALLY strong urge to laugh again,  
But tried my hardest to keep it in. He would probably get more mad,  
which would be funny for me But I don't want to go through his screams today.

"Oh, yeah? How would you feel If I hid you behind my bed, Brought another guy in there and kissed him,  
Then when you get pissed I'd laugh about it?!"

That made me really stop laughing. he had a point.  
I don't know what I do if I saw Cartman kiss another guy.  
I cant even see him kissing another guy.  
It made my blood boil thinking someone besides me would touch him like that.

"I guess Id get mad." I say through clenched teeth.  
Cartman smiled, with satisfaction he was right."Exactly."  
Well, atleast he's not mad amymore.

his smile gave me this fuzzy feeling.  
I couldn't help but scoot closer to him.I moved closer to him  
My hormones just randomly shot up, Out of nowhere.

I noticed that it was probably because Cartman was pulling my body in between his legs,  
when we got settled I layed my head on his shoulder,

"It'll just be for a little while, We have to pretend me and Stan are together."  
Cartman rolled his finger up and down my leg  
"Better be for awhile. I want to fucking rip his skull."  
His finger stroked higher up my leg

I smiled "Stop it!"  
"What?"  
"Doing that! Doing the whole finger scrolling up my leg thing"  
Cartman smiled evilly, "But you like it"  
"Cartman! your doing that on purpose."  
"So? and I see your little jew stick went up" He smiled.  
I looked down, yep.

My cheeks turned a dark shade of red.  
"I hate you"  
He grinned."I hate you too"

* * *

That night I couldnt sleep.  
I guess It was when I was digging through my drawer to find some paper  
for my homework and found a picture of me and Stan together.  
The photo was at the park when we were kids and were smiling and had our arms  
Wrapped around eachother.  
I ended up sitting down and starring at the picture for a good two hours.  
I started getting a tear in my eye.

**How could I be doing this to him?**  
I rubbed my eye before It could even develop into a tear.  
I'm sick of crying.

I thought about it, I really am hurting him.  
How could my heart betray me like this?  
If I had no feelings for Cartman then me and Stan would  
Be together and cartman would have Just have to accept the fact me and stan are together,  
and nothing Would have ever really happened beetween us.  
But it did.  
Beacuse I do have feelings for him.  
Strong feelings that I've locked in my chest and denied for years.  
But Doing this to stan..I just..  
I hate myself. I really, really do.**_

* * *

_**Hope you liked the Chapter :)  
I love my reviewers  
You guys are awsome.  
I wouldnt be writting if It wasent for you


	21. Chapter 21 The Outburst

I wanted to skip school the next day, But Ma made me go.  
I didn't want to face either of them.

I've given some thoughts,  
I don't want to lie anymore.  
I should just break up with Stan.. Tell him I only like him as a friend,  
and date Cartman.. Right?

But I cant,  
The thought of breaking it off with Stan is too heartbreaking.  
I started thinking back of the times We kissed behind the bleachers after games.  
He always wrote me little notes and is so carring.  
He is the best boyfriend a guy could ask for.  
I feel on the verge of tears with thinkg about Stan going out with another guy..  
I could physically feel my heart break at the thought of being without Stan

I thought of breaking It off with Cartman,  
He could have told me years before he liked me and we could have been together  
before I fell for Stan.  
then Imagining being without Cartman.. Without him kissing me anymore,Without him telling me he loved me,  
That warm feeling he would always make me feel secured and We shared a connection that me and Stan never could.  
Cartman coming out and telling me he wanted to be my boyfriend has been my dream come true.  
Imigaining it being over made me feel.. Empty with Stan again after what happened with Cartman just.. wouldn't feel the same.

Stan makes me feel special and he's so carring,  
But could never be that bad boy type I lust after like Cartman.

I put my head in my hands.  
Theres noway way out.  
I'm going to get my heart broken either way.  
I love them both.  
"I cant have them both" I told myself.

I wish I could with all my heart I could.  
I just need more time to think.

* * *

  
I walked out and Stan was waiting for me outside Smiling.  
I love his smile, It looks so beautiful, That sounds weird But there's noother way to describe it.

"Hey" He smiled and kissed my cheek,  
I looked around. Cartman was nowhere in sight.  
I've wanted to do this for such a long time, I leaned in and kissed him again,  
A passionate kiss I've been waiting to do for along time sense the whole mess with Cartman Started.  
I've missed kissing him like this, Sense Cartman's always around I had to pretend like I didn't like it.

Stan blushed when I pulled off him.  
He toke my hand and we started walking towards the bus no..  
Oh fuck, I cant hold his hand!If Cartman see's us like this He'll flip at me again.

I let go of his hand and put it behind my neck.  
"what's wrong?"  
"nothing, I uh.. My hands are alittle sweety"  
Stan smiled, "That's ok" and put his hand back in mine.  
"No really, there really quessy right now."

Stan's face looked hurt alittle bit, and alittle embarrassed.  
"Uh.. Ok."

So we walked hands to ourselves to our stop.  
The vibe between me and Stan became tense sense we got was an akward vibe between  
The hand hokding sittuation.

When we got to the stop, Cartman smiled at me.  
Didnt even acknowledge Stan.

Noone said anything.  
Stan was still looking at the ground, probably still felt weird about the whole hand holding inncodent.  
Cartman would glare at stan whenever he got the chance but when I looked at him he looked away.  
Kenny was.. Well I don't really know exactly what he's doing.  
Looks like he's examining his finger very closely.. Weird kid.

* * *

"Hey so sense You couldn't come last night  
I was thinking maybe we could go somewhere tonight" Stan asked.  
I toke my books out of my locker  
"Sorry I cant I'm seeing my Aunt tonight with my parents."  
And slamed it shut.

"Your Aunt Mercy?"  
"Yeah"  
"Oh.. Well what about tomorrow?"  
I sighed.  
"I Cant tomorrow either,  
I'm going to my My mom's friend's son's Barmitvah."  
"Oh" Stan looked down.

heart burned, "Sorry"  
I kissed his cheek and started walking to class.  
I wasent supprissed when Stan didn't walk beside me.

* * *

  
_A week later.._

**STAN'S POV**

Is ir just me or are things Not the same?  
I love kyle but He seems really preoccupied lately  
Durring the last four days.

I dont know, Maybe it's just me,  
But When me and Kyle got together I knew it was the best thing that has ever happened to me  
But No matter what I do, It seems like he doesn't even notice anymore,  
Am I doing somthing wrong?

I write him little cards and trying to set up dates  
you know trying to be a good boyfriend but he just..  
Seems to be fading alittle.

He doesnt want to hold my hand anymore, and when we kiss,  
I feel like he's not even enjoying it.  
Maybe This isn't working out,  
He's probably planning to break up with me.

* * *

At school Wendnesday morning Stan walked up to me, at my locker.  
"Hey Kyle" He smiled.  
"Hey" I smiled back.  
"So um, I was thinking, Maybe We can go down to stark's pond again tonight  
It's going to be a fill moon out."  
My stomach dropped I really would like to see Stan tonight.  
I would love it actually.

I really, really _miss him_.  
We havent hung out in awhile now.  
But I know I cant.

I'm suppose to go to Cartman's house tonight..  
I could just skip going to Cartman's and go with Stan..  
For some reason I cant get myself to do that.

"I Cant, I really have to study for my biology test on Friday."  
Stan frowned, "Study for it tomorrow"  
"I cant.""  
So, You'd rather study for a stupid test then see me?!"  
I slam my locker shut getting angry  
**What the fuck is his problem?  
**  
"This stupid test, affects my whole grade stan it's really important!"  
Stan crossed his arms. "Seem's like everything you've been doing lately is more important then me."  
He sneered.

"Damn it stan what's your problem!? So I cant hang out for one night,  
Doesnt mean you have to get all mad."

"One night? Kyle it hasent been just tonight, for almost a week now every time  
I ask to do something with you your making up excusing and saying your busy!  
The last time I was with you was last Tuesday! You don't call me, talk to me,  
Kyle its like you don't even care anymore!"

I felt a pang of hurt go through my chest..  
Was it really that obvious?  
Oh my god.. Have I really been doing that?

Stan looks really upset,  
I hate knowing I'm the one causing it.  
Were standing in the middle of the hallway, and everyone around us is stopping  
what their doing and listening in, circling around us. Not like Stan cared.

"Kyle If you want us to be done.." Stan put his hands up,  
"Then were done. But don't leave me hanging filling me with all this bullshit you love me."  
"Stan I.."  
I cant believe this is happening  
"I do love you.. I just .."  
"You don't even kiss me anymore kyle! You don't even touch me!  
It's like your scarred of me or something!"

I frowned, "Well I'm sorry I'm not as affectionate as you want me to be."  
**Wrong thing to say.**  
With that Stan stormed off angrily in the opposite dirrection.  
I shouldn't have said that

"Wait Stan!" I run towards him and stand in front of him.

His angry eyes are pierce into mine.  
"I.. I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that." I said.  
He still looks mad  
"I.. I do love you.." I feel tears in my eyes  
_Please don't leave me stan.._I hear my inside voice whisper.

"I'm sorry." I hold onto his shoulders, "I'm really, really sorry"  
Stan's expression soffened alittle. EVeryone around us were still watching us in silence, but I didn't care.  
I leaned in and kissed him, He kissed me back softly,  
Oh my god, Ive missed this so much.  
Stan's lips.. Brought back so many memorys,  
I never got that special feeling with Cartman, the way I do Stan.

I got a sudden thought, What if Cartman is watching us,  
Quickly with one eye I glance around the crowd that circled around us.  
Then suddenly Stan forcefully pulled away from the kiss and frowed,

"See like that!"  
"What?"  
"Why were you looking around?"  
"I just.."  
"What are you scarred someone's watching or something!?"  
Obviously the anger in stan still hasent went away.

Stan held up my hand to everyone around us  
"Hey look everyone! I'm kissing Kyle! Ok?"  
He walks down our halls, everyone is still starring  
"I kissed him ok? Happy? Ok?!"  
Then he walked back to me,  
"What were you looking around for, Huh?!"

I stepped back alittle,  
I think Stan is taking this alittle too far.

Then Stan's face slowly turned from rage saddness.  
Everyone around us was completely silent.  
I cant believe the bell hasent rung yet.

"I.. I'm sorry Kyle." He looked up at me.  
"I just.. I don't know, I really felt like something was wrong,Like I was losing you"  
He looked down at ground.

It breaks my heart.. Stan had every right to freak out at me.

If he only knew what I did to him,  
What I was doing to him.  
I dont deserve him.  
A tear rolled down my cheek.  
I'm not worthy of him.  
I'm hurting him.  
I feel so fucking bad.

I Hug him, and a few seounds later he hugs me back.  
"Tomorow, we can do anything you want." I tell him.  
He says nothing.  
I'm still crying. "I love you Stan" I hug him tighter.  
He still says nothing.  
Just hugs me.  
"I'm so sorry" I whisper.

* * *

I Thought I was going to have writters Block in this chapter,  
Luckily it surrvived.  
I think it turned out good though :)  
Thanks for reading  
I love you reviewers :D


	22. Chapter 22 I'm fucked

That night I was in Cartman's arms while we watched tv.

My Head laid peacefully on his shoulder.  
His mom was out again..  
She has been out alot lately.  
Cartman never tells me where she is.  
I ask him but he simply replies, 'don't worry I know where she is.'

I've been wanting to ask him this for awhile now but there was never a moment  
I thought was right..

"Cartman?"  
"Hmm?" He asked flipping though the channels.  
"Did we have sex the night I slept over?"  
He paused, then continued flipping through channels

"Depends on what you concider sex when two guys are involved.."  
I didn't say anything, Maybe It's better if I not know.

"Hey Kahl?" He asked me, not taking his eyes off the TV.  
"Yeah?"  
"When are you going to break up with Stan?"  
I was silent. He still went through channels.  
"I will."  
He said nothing.

I only told him what I thought he'd like to hear.  
honestly, I don't know. I don't even know If I will break up with Stan.  
Cartman stopped on a show with a commercial of a bathroom cleaner product.

"So, we still on for tomorrow night?"  
Oh shit, tomorrow night.  
We were suppose to go to A motercyle show..  
I think it sounds stupid but Cartman is obsessed with them.  
I forgot about Stan when I agreed to go.

"Um.. Actually I cant" I slurred.  
Cartman raised his eyebrow at me,  
"Why?"  
"Um.. Ike is having his, Uh.. Birthday. Um, party."  
Fuck, I need to stop studdering, he'll catch onto me!  
Cartman frowed, "Ike's birthday is in june."  
shit.  
"I know.. But um, were celebrating it early."  
"Why?"  
"Uh.. All Ike's friends are busy on his birthday so were having it early."  
Cartman looked suspicious..  
Oh my god, **what if he knows I'm lying?!**

"Uh huh.." he said with his eyebrow still raised.  
"But um listen.." I said getting up from the couch  
"I gotta go."  
"Why?"  
"I think I'm getting past curfew."  
"It's only 8:30"  
"Yeah but My mom asked me to get home early tonight."  
I could tell by his look he wasent buying it.  
"Ok." he simply said.

I got on my coat and shoes and left his house.  
I left him starring blankly at the doorway.

_He's not that stupid._ I thought,  
_He's going to know what your doing._

I started getting nervous,  
_No he wont, no he wont._

I tried calming that clammy feeling that rose in my stomach  
He wont find out I keep I havent seen Stan for weeks, I have to see him.  
Cartman wont find out._

* * *

_When I got home I called Stan.  
I know he's home.  
Ring.. Ring.  
"Hello?" a female voice anwered.  
great. his mom.. I dont therley enjoy talking to her at all  
sense the last call.  
"Hi.. Um, is stan there?"  
"Oh hey kyle, Yes he's here."  
"Stan honey!" His mom called  
"Kyles on the phone!"  
I heard footsteps  
Then, "Hello?"  
"Hey stan"  
"Oh. hey kyle."  
"So.. we still doing somthing tomorow?"  
"You mean your not acctually busy?" I heard aggression  
in his voice.

God, how long has he held this anger in his chest?

"No. I told you, Anything you want tomorow."  
Stans voice soffened.  
"Great"  
I grinned, I know he's smiling.  
"Um.. What about that motercycle show? I heard  
There doing that at the stadium tomorow."

My heart dropped.  
**No fucking way.**

"Uh.. You sure you want to do that?"  
I heard my voice crack.  
"Yeah! well I mean.." his voice dropped  
"I guess If you dont wanna go we dont have too."

No, no no no no!  
I'm starting to panick  
We cant go there, Damn it!  
Anywhere but there..  
I take a deep breath.  
But Stan wants to go there.. I promised him anywhere he  
wants to go.. and his voice sounded sad when suggesting we dont  
go.

"Ok.." I hear myself say.  
"Really? awsome!" he hyped.  
"I'll get my mom to get the tickets!  
I heard its going to be awsome.  
You'll love it kyle"

"Sure I will.. " I said flat.  
"Oh come on, I know your not into the whole  
mottercross thing but you gotta see this!"

"Ok.. "  
That's not what I'm worried about.

"Stan!" I heard someone in the backround,  
"Oh, I gotta go, but tomorow will be sweet,  
You wont regreat it" He cheered.

_Oh.. I'm sure I will.  
_"Ok."  
"love you," Stan lurred.  
"Love you too.."  
And Stan hung up.

I'm so fucked!  
What if Cartman see's us there!  
Oh my fucking god, this cant be happening.  
Cartman probably is going to see us there.  
please god, dont let him see us.

* * *

Hope you liked the chapter :)  
great.. my foot fell asleep, Its funny It's  
litterly numb, I poke it and feel nothing..  
I cant even move it..  
Anyway OFF THE SUBJECT.  
Thank you reviewers :)


	23. Chapter 23 Motocross Show

Next Day Morning I was constantly worried about the motocross show tonight.  
Cartman is I'm going..  
I'm going With Stan.  
I just have to keep on the down low,  
Maybe I'm worrying over nothing.

Maybe he'll decide not to go, or I wont see him at all.  
A lot of people are going, It would be hard to find us, right?  
I just have to make sure our seats are as far away as possible.

I have to find him, before he finds us.  


* * *

  
We came to the bus stop I was nonstop talking,  
I had to keep the conversation away from The show tonight.  
Stan might mention it and I would be dead.

"So did you see the show last night? It was really good."  
"What show?" Stan asked.  
"Terrance and Phillip"  
"Dude.. That was a re run they do that episode all the time."  
"Yeah but wasn't it great?"  
Cartman looked at me funny.

I kept yabbing on and on about random crap.  
I know if I kept quiet Stan would say something about tonight.  
"So Last night me and Ike where up watching.. Uh, watching that one star wars one,  
you know where they make fun of it."  
"Merph mers?" (space balls?) kenny asked.  
"yeah that was the one.. And uh, It was really good."

Stan raised his eyebrow, "Kay."  
"Jesus Kahl, aren't you talkative today." Cartman looked at me suspiciously.  
Fuck.. He can see right through me.  
He knows something's wrong.. He always does!  
Stan is to oblivious but Cartman.. Oh god.I start getting all worked up and nervous,  
"Uh.."

Stan smiled,  
"He's probably excited about the.."  
"Space bombs!" I yelled  
Stan gave me a confused look.  
"What?"  
"Space bombs would be a good movie"  
"uh.. Space bombs?" Cartman questioned  
"yeah wouldn't that be a good movie?!"  
"Uh…"

I'm freaking out..  
When the fuck is the bus coming?  
It seems slower then usual.

Stan iggnored me.  
"Anyway, me and Kyle are.." Stan began to say  
"Oh I have to tell you something!"I turned to Stan.  
Stan frowned, "Dude you wont even let me finish my sentence."  
"I know, But first I have to tell you something! So yesterday I had this - -"  
I kept going on and on about crap, which half the time I didn't know what I was talking about.

I know Stan would talk about tonight I just know he would if he got the chance!  
Cartman was starring at me as if I were some crazy person and Stan looked pretty supprissed too.  
I never talk this much.

It seemed like eternity but the bus **FINNALY** pulled up.  
I gave a little prayer to god in my head when It stopped in front of us.

_'Thank you god, you brought the bus just now..  
But you could have done it five minutes ago.  
The one day the bus is late, it had to be today.  
You like seeing me suffer don't you?  
Amen.'_

I sat next to Stan as usual.

I had to go through more talking through out the whole bus fucking sucks.  
How long can I keep this up?  
I probably sound really, really annoying by now.

* * *

  
I felt so relieved when We got to school,  
everyone went different directions,  
Except me and Stan who always walked to my locker first then I walk to his.

"Jesus kyle, Ive never heard you talk so much" Stan said while were walking  
"yeah well, I'm just excited about tonight." I put on a fake smile.  
Stan smiled back.  
See that's also a thing different about Stan and Cartman..  
Cartman would have totally caught that fake smile and knew I was lying.  
Stan on the other hand, doesn't notice details very well.

* * *

At lunch I had to go through the same bullshit.  
All four of us sat at lunch together,  
whenever I get the feeling Stan is going to bring tonight up I loudly interrupt with something totally random.  
I noticed Stan started getting annoyed. But It works,  
He seemed to always forget what he was going to say.

Cartman kept giving me weird glances at the table,  
These are the times I desperately want to know what he's thinking.

He's unpredictable!  
You can hardly ever read his expressions!  
I wonder what he's thinking,  
It irritates the hell out of me not knowing.

Lunch was finally over and I have two classes with Cartman then the end of the day.  
Part of me will be relieved schools over, but the other half will be scarred at hell because  
I have to go to that stupid show.

should fake being sick?  
No, I cant do that.  
I've bailed on Stan too many times.  
Stan may be oblivious but he's not an idiot.  
I've been talking like hell all day.  
He'll know I'm not really sick.

I sit down at my desk  
And look at Cartman who's talking to Clyde about somthing.  
Their cool now, As long as they stopped picking on me He started talking to them again.  
Maybe I'm really worrying about nothing.. But I have to be sure.  
I tear of some notebook paper,

"Good morning Class," Mrs. Elson enters.  
"Now I want everyone to get togetherwith their project Partners and set up their boards."

Great, Now I don't have to write him a note.  
I go up to Cartman and smile, His expression was blank.

Everyone walked up to their partners setting up the board.  
I toke out ours..Which I did completely by myself. With no help whatsoever from Cartman.  
But that's alright, I want him to get a decent grade for once anyway.  
I started setting it up.

"So.. You still going to the motocross game tonight?" I ask.  
_Please say no, please say no.._

"Yeah, why?"  
**damn it.  
**  
"Just wondering."  
I started gluing the pieces together.  
"have fun at Ike's early birthday." he said flat.. Not in a friendly way.  
"Um.. Yeah."

The class had to go around sharing their board's about the war, as a it came to me and Cartman,  
I did all the talking. Cartman did nothing. As always.  
At the end of presentation, Cartman smiled at me, for the first time all day.  
Good work Jew."  
I glaredat him. "Fat ass."  
Cartman laughed..  
Well whatever was up with him earlier thank god it's over with.

* * *

The stadium was so close to Stan's house we decided to walk.  
With each step closer we got to it,  
The harder my heart pounded.

I felt my stomach doing backslips.  
Stan was smiling the whole way there, and talking about how awesome This will be.  
In My head I disagreed with everything he said.  
I was getting more nervous, I was affraid I was going to crack.  
Stop worrying I told myself,  
All I have to do Is find Cartman and avoid him.  
No big deal, Then It'll be over, and we'll go home, and he'll never know.

Me and stan got up to the fence and waited in line where other people were waiting at the gates,  
I was constantly looking around, Getting really paranoid, What if Cartman's behind me? In front of me?Oh my god,  
what if he can see me but I cant see him?! Is he already inside? What if he sees me through the fence,  
I kept looking around checking my back.

"Hey.. You ok?" Stan asked.I jumped when he touched my shoulder,  
"Oh, yeah just nervous I guess"  
"about what?"  
"um.. What if someone gets hurt?" I fake a worried look,  
"Don't worry these are professional riders. If they get hurt its their problem"

Actually I don't give a rats ass if they get hurt.  
They shouldn't be ridding those things off jumps in the first place.  
I'll never step foot on one of those things, they freak me out.

I kept looking around,  
before I knew it we came to the front.  
A Blonde man In a Red T-shirt and hat smiled, "Tickets?" He smiled.  
Stan gave him the tickets and he let him we came in,  
There were tons of people here bleachers circled around the whole stadium and above them  
was a floor you could stand and watch to take pictures, smoke or stands where you can buy drinks and food.

Oh god.. Cartman could be in here right now!  
What if he see's me?  
My heart starts beating louder thumping through my ears.

"Come on lets get a good spot" Stan toke my hand and went in between the bleachers.  
I kept looking behind me, I couldn't stop it was like a twitch.  
He could be anywhere!

Stan finally pulled me to a spot and sat down.  
You could hear people talking through out the stadium.  
I searched my eyes through the crowd trying to spot Cartman..  
I cant see him anywhere!

My eyes zoned through the crowd.  
"Whacha looking for?" Stan caught onto me.  
"Oh" I shake my head. "Nothing, Just looking at everyone.a lot of people are here."  
"yeah. Hey, I'm gonna go get some nachos before the show want anything?"  
"Um, No I'm Ok."  
"Ok, be right back." stood up and walked towards the entry going upstairs.  
I let out a sigh.

"Don't freak out." I told myself.  
"You'll find him."  


* * *

I cant believe people do this for a living. Going off jumps,  
risking their lives,  
They could seriously get hurt.

I saw this one guy ride through a circle of fire, He landed But what the hell!  
Why would you even try something like that?!  
These people are nuts!  
The crowd was roaring and the whole place was full of cheers,  
It was like being at a concert.

Up next was this guy in a green helmet and outfit who planned on doing a back flip on a ramp..  
God, how can people watch this stuff?  
"And here's Daniel Picksten 29 years old and planning to do a back flip on the ramp" The announcer called.  
"Yeah!" the crowd screamed and clapped  
"Dude this is going to be sweet" Stan smiled.  
"This is really, really dangerous." I tell him.  
"Oh come on Kyle, loosen up a bit" Stan nudged me.  
I was still looking around the crowd searching for Cartman.. Nothing.  
I couldn't see him there were probably over a thousand people here.  
Please god, don't let him see me..

"And he's off!" The announcer cheers As the man starts ridding faster and faster towards the ramp  
and does a back flip, the crowd gasps then cheers as he lands "And a perfect landing!" the announcer cried.  
"Whoo!" Stan clapped.

"He's crazy." I mumble."Up next we have Kevin Garnel.." The announcer went on.  
Then It finally caught my eye,  
CARTMAN! I see him!

He's sitting on the other side of the stadium far away from us.  
I cant really tell but I'm pretty sure he's glaring at the fat man next to him who's talking to him while popcorn falls from his mouth.  
I saw Cartman say something, But the guy kept talking.

Thank fucking god Cartman hasent seen me, and that he's all the way on the other side.  
Toke me about half the show to find his face.

"Oh Kyle look!" Stan points at another brainless motorcycle dude who is jumping across a huge  
set up tank of water with a shark in it..  
See what's the point of that?  
Does he want to get himself killed?  
One of these days he's going to die doing something stupid like that.  
But he landed.  
Its still a dumb idea though.

At least Now I know where Cartman Is,  
I don't think he'll see us. Were way too far apart.  
"Kyle.. You don't look like your enjoying this." Stan looked at me.  
"Oh Sorry, I guess I'm just not into this kind of stuff"  
"Well get into it" He smiled "Its awesome!"  
fifteen minutes later,  
"And here Is James Sudden doing an around the world jump"  
The crowd clapped loudly

"And congratulations to Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski  
You have won the drawing, please come up to the stands and claim your free tickets  
at the end of the show" the announcer declared.

**What?**  
"Sweet!" Stan hugged me, "We won!"  
"What?!"  
"When I went to get food, I entered us in the drawing for free tickets,  
I didn't think we'd win though."

FUCK!.. They said our names.. through the whole place.  
Cartman knows I'm here.


	24. Chapter 24 Hurting him

I looked at Cartman from across the stadium right after the announcement for our prize winnings were made,  
I saw him jump a little, and then immediately start looking around.  
I knew he was looking for me.. He looked angry.

I ducked, Oh god, I cant let him see me!  
Please god don't let him see me!

Stan looked down at me,  
"What are you doing?"  
I slowly lifted my body up from its arched position,  
"I don't know.." I lamely replied.  
Stan shrugged and went on watching the show.

I saw Cartman get up from his seat looking through the crowd.  
My body is now litteraly shaking.

"Uh..I have to go to the bathroom" I say to Stan  
And ran and run up the the exit.  
Hopefully he didn't see me running.

* * *

FUCK! I shouldn't have come here!  
I should have known this was a bad idea!

I go to the sink and splash cold water into my face, then look at myself in the mirror.  
"Its Okay" I tell myself.

I start thinking of excuses of why I'm here,  
_'Ike wanted to come and I saw Stan here'_  
_'I was just looking for you but bumped into Stan'_  
Ugh, It doesn't matter anyway. He knows when I'm lying.

I get out of the bathroom and go slowly get back to our seats.  
I think Cartman's still looking.  
Well, It toke me a long time to find him.

"Hey" stan smiled as I sat down.  
"And that's the end of our mottercycle and motocross ralley,  
Thanks for coming and hope to see you again next week!" the announcer said on the intercom.

"Come on! Lets go get our tickets!"  
Stan grabbed my hand and went up the stairs,  
going up to the top walked up to the Stand

"Uh Hi, I'm Stan Marsh and This is Kyle, Are names got called for winning the free tickets."  
The man smiled, and toke out a piece of paper,  
"We asked each contestant to write  
down their phone number in the drawing so we know it's the real you.  
What was your number young man?"  
Stan told him his number and The man Gave us the tickets.  
"Awsome!" Stan cheered.

We turned to walk the other way and saw..  
**Cartman.  
** Standing behind us.  
He had his arms crossed and looked pissed.. this isnt good.  
Stan smiled, "Hey Cartman didn't know you were here"  
Everything inside me just stopped.. My stomach started aching.. Oh no.

"Uh.. Yeah. Didn't know you and.." He paused and glanced at me  
"Kahl were here either.."  
He scowled at me.  
My heart started to pound.  
"Yeah we planned this for awhile.  
I didn't see you, where did you sit?" Stan asked.  
"Row 45" he answered flat  
"Oh. That's probably why, We were way across from you."  
"huh." He replied.

Cartman kept his eye on me.  
"Anyways, we gotta go, See yea Cartman" Stan waved, with his other hand in mine.  
"See yea"  
Stan tugged me off towards the exit.  
I mean, What was I suppose to do?

After the show Stan toke me home and kissed me,  
"Thanks for coming kyle"He smiled.  
"I really thought.. Were going to break up or something."  
He puts his hands in his pocket.I laughed nervously,  
"No really?"  
"Yeah" he kissed me on the cheek,  
"I'm glad we didn't. I don't know what I'd do"  
Stan started walking away from my house. "See you tomorrow" He waved.  
"Bye"

I came inside, shut the door and sighed.  
This was the worst day of my life.

* * *

I couldn't sleep.  
I tossed and turned on my bed.  
I laid there for about an hour,  
But I still couldn't sleep.

I looked at my clock.11:54 PM

I pulled the covers up and closed my eyes.  
I kept trying but I couldn't fall asleep.  
I got up from my bed.

I have to see him.  
I cant go to school tomorrow until I sort this out.  
I cant even sleep.

I went to my closet and grabbed my coat and shoes and opened my window,  
_Please god don't let my parents know I'm gone._

I looked to the ground.. How the fuck does Cartman do it?I starred from the tree from my window,  
Its so fucking far.  
How does he always get up here?  
I grabbed the branch, and It wiggled alittle,  
Maybe I should just go back.. No I cant.  
I have to get to his house.

I tried putting my foot down on one of the next branches and I felt as if It was going to break.  
I put light weight on , **no turning back now.**

I quickly, Hoped from the branch to the next one to the next one and finnaly tumbled my way down.  
I didn't fall.. thank god.

* * *

I walked my way to Cartman's house.  
I got to his door.  
Its really late.. But I had to atleast try to talk to to him.  
His mom answered,  
"Uh, Hi. I know it's really late but I really need to talk to Cartman."  
"Oh, I think My poopsikins is asleep."  
"I know, But it's really, really important."

She thought for a moment.  
"Oh alright. But don't be up there too long. You two have school tomorow."

"I wont, Thanks" I smiled and Went into their house.  
I went up the stairs and into Cartman's room.  
He wasn't asleep.

He was up at his desk sitting with his head in his hands.  
I know he heard the door open but He didn't even bother looking to see who it is.

"C.. Cartman?" I ask him.  
"What the fuck do you want?" He asked not looking up from his desk.  
"I.. I wanted to talk.. About today."  
Cartman got off his chair and went to his closet, looking through his clothes,  
Still refusing to look at me.  
"There's really not much to talk about."  
"Cartman.. I know I was with Stan today at that stupid show but It honestly Meant nothing,"  
Cartman picked up some old jeans and tossed them on the floor.  
"If It meant nothing then why did you go with him?"  
"I..um.."  
I had no answer to that.  
How do I answer that?

"I would have rather went with you."I ignored the question.  
Cartman faced me and frowned,  
"Then why didn't you!?  
But no! Instead you went with stan!  
Stupid buthole stan! Its always about stan!"

Cartman turned away from me, and put his hand to the wall and looked down.  
He sniffled.  
He's not..  
Crying is he?

"You never going to leave him are you?" His voice shook.

Oh my god he is.. Don't cry. Please don't cry,  
I felt tears watering in my eyes,  
Hearing him like that. It just.. It just Kills me.

I walk over in front of him and put my hand on his looked up at him.  
He was was crying..  
What have I done.

"Cartman. I love YOU"  
Cartman looks away.  
"I Love You. Not Stan. You." I tell him.  
I tried kissing his lips but he didn't kiss me back.  
So with that I left his room.

I really hurt him.  
I know I did.  
Just seeing him like that, It just made me want to die.

* * *

I couldnt get the image of Cartman of the verge of tears out of my head.  
It kept haunting me.  
The next day of school I tried my best not to hold hands or show any  
affection towards stan infront of Cartman.  
I just cant.  
When we had a class together I kept smiling at him.. Trying to reasure him everything  
was Ok.. wasn't It? Even though everything felt like it wasent.

Cartman gave me a small smile a few times.  
But It wasent like the ones he used to give me.  
Mrs. Elson came into class.  
"Alright Class, today is the last day you will be working with your  
partners on your board, If you wanted to add anything or impervise It alittle  
be sure to do so now."  
I walked up to Cartman and smiled gently at him.  
"Hi" I say  
"hi."  
"So.. anything else you want to add to the project?"  
Cartman iggnored the question and starred down at his desk.  
"You know I was thinking we should add a few more pictures sense we  
dont have alot."  
Cartman shrugged. "sure" He said.  
Now I knew, Nothing was ok between us.  
He had hurt in his eyes.. Hurt Ive never seen before.  
God, i want to stab myself over and over and over again.  
I did this.. How could i make him feel so horable?  
I'm the bad person here, not him.

I put my hand on his arm "Cartman.." I begin  
Cartman immediatly started looking around and I moved my hand.  
Right.. noone knows are a thing.. or were a thing.. or had once been a thing.  
"Cartman I.." I start again  
"Just dont.. kahl please." He stops me.  
I cant even explain the devastating feeling roaming through me right now.

"Oh, and Class, be aware we have time to work on your project after school  
with your partners. Come here after school if you still need time before It's graded."  
Mrs. Elson announces.

I look at Cartman, He still hasent looked up at me.  
"Um.. I cant, I have to uh, watch Ike after school."  
Cartman Picked up his pencil and dropped it on his desk and  
picked it up again, "Your lying."  
I frown, "Why do you say that?!"  
He sighed and closed his eyes.  
"Your brothers at your aunts by now. I heard your mom talking about it in the background  
when I was on the phone with you a few weeks ago."

What?!  
My body stung still.  
I cant believe remembers her talking about that .. That was so long ago.  
I stod still.. I was thinking of words to say but nothing came out.  
He got me.

"When your going to see Stan. Just say it,  
I'm really not that stupid unlike your boyfriend  
Who will believe anything that comes out of your  
deciving, lying jew mouth."

My face started heating up.. I was about to cry again..  
I quickly walked away and walked out of the classroom.  
I dont care If I get bitched at about it later, I refuse to let him see  
me cry, let alone the whole class.  
I went to the bathroom and curled up on the floor, taking off my green ursha and wiping my tears with it.  
My face heated up and I sobbed.  
It's all true. Everything Cartman said was true.  
I cant do anything right.  
I am a stupid, lying, deceiving, hurting, jew.  
I'm a horable person.  
Maybe I should just kill myself.  
Then i wouldn't bring any more pain in the world.  
Then I couldn't hurt him anymore then I already have.

* * *

Wow.. I feel really sad writting that kind of chapter just now.

guess its the authors ethics.  
Anyway, Hope you liked it :)  
A Thank you, my best reviewers,  
Sumoko-chan,  
sandii1485,  
and esmtz  
I Love you guys!


	25. Chapter 25 Disaster

I spent about five minutes in the bathroom crying,  
Then I quickly went to the office to call my mom and have her come pick me up.  
I could not bare being here anymore.  
I feel like I really hate myself.  
I'm a cheat.

I'm a cheat and I'm cheating and lying to both the people I care about behind their backs.  
I don't want to do it anymore.

I don't want to lie to them anymore,  
I don't want to see them cry.  
I don't want to look into Cartman's eyes and see the look on his face again,  
The look I created. I really hurt him.

I'm hurting Stan too.  
He's everything to me. And what do I do to pay him back for all the love and caring  
he's giving me for years?  
I cheat on him with Cartman!Ive been doing it for a long time now.  
He deserves so much better, He deserves better then me.  
I'm not worthy of his love.  
I'm abusing it and he doesn't even know it.

I'm a pathetic, Lying, scheming, two faced cheat.  
I don't deserve either of Them.

* * *

My mom came to pick me up 10 minutes later,  
I ran outside and jumped into the car.  
I had a napkin wiping my tears away with it.  
"Oh my god! Kyle what's wrong!" My mom gasped.  
"Mom, I really don't want to talk about it." I choked on my words.  
"Did something happen at school? What happened?!"  
"Ma, Please, I really don't want to talk about it."  
My mom starred at me, then shook her head and focused on the road.  
We drove all the way home in silence except for my sniffiling.

The words Cartman said kept replaying in my head.  
"I'm not like your boyfriend who will believe every word that comes out of your lying,  
deceiving, Jew mouth, jew mouth.."

It just made me gasp another cry into the napkin thinking about ti.  
My mom kept looking over at me with a look of sorrow.  
I really appreciate her, leaving me be on this one.  
I Know she'll bug me about it later,  
But right now she just let me cry.

I got home and I ran up to my room and into my bed and yanked the covers over me.  
I sobbed into my pillow.  
Maybe I should just break up with both.  
Then I wont have to do this anymore.

* * *

I awoke to the sound of my mom yelling, outside.  
I looked out my window and Stan was there on my doorstep.

**What was he doing here?**

"Now what have you done to my boy?!" I heard my mom say.  
"Nothing! I swear! I didn't do anything to Kyle!"  
"Then explain to me why he locked himself up in his room crying for the past half hour?!"My mom demanded.  
"I really, Really don't know what your talking about! Kyle's crying?!"

Stan didn't do anything.  
I know I should go downstairs and tell my mom Stan didn't do anything,  
But for some reason I didn't.  
I just laid back in my bed and put a pillow over my head. I just want to dissapire.  


* * *

_Tap.  
Tap  
Tap!_

I woke up.  
Tap.

I looked at the clock, 1:43 AM  
Tap.

I go to my window and see Stan.. Once again throwing rocks at my window.  
I smiled, a little and opened it.

"Kyle!" He whispered up to me.  
"Hi.." I mouthed quietly.  
"Kyle.. What's wrong? Are you ok? Your mom wouldn't let me talk to you.. She thinks I did something."  
I sighed. "I Know. I'm sorry" I loudly whispered back.

"Are you ok?"  
"I'm fine.." I lied.  
"Come down here!" He whispers  
"No, I cant!"  
"Why?!"  
"If my mom catches me she'll kill me!"  
"Then don't let her catch you!" He whispered up to me.  
I smiled."It wont be long Kyle just come down here" he whispered.

I nodded and Grabbed my shoes and coat and came down the tree..  
It was little easier then last time I tried going down this thing to go to Cartman's house.  
I got to the last branch and hopped down, When I got onto my feet,Stan Hugged me unexpected.  
I jumped alittle supprised then I hugged him back.  
He kissed me on the cheek for about 6 seconds  
Then hugged me again

"What's wrong? Why did you leave school?!"He asked hugging me..  
I just noticed how much I miss his comfort.  
I missed him holding me..  
I never knew how much I missed it till now.

I hugged him back tightly.  
"I.. I just had some things on my mind."  
Stan pulled out of the hug, "What kind of things?"  
"Um.. I miss my brother."Stan raised his eyebrow,  
"Your brother? Isnt he at your aunts?"  
"yeah."  
"Kyle, he's only going to be gone for a week."  
"I know but I miss him."

**Please let him fall for it.**  
I know I'm a terrible liar.

"So, You leave early crying, and lock yourself in your room because you miss your brother?"  
"Uh.. Yeah."

Stan starred at me then hugged me again.  
"Good. I thought something was really wrong."  
I felt my stomach burn.. There is something really wrong.

"Come on" Stan toke my hand and running me away from my house.  
"Where are we going?!"  
"You'll see"  
He says as he hurries me around the corner.

* * *

  
We ended up taking me to Starks pond.. Our spot.  
I remember last time we went here..  
One of the best times in my life.

Stan toke out a match, lit it, and threw it into a fire pit  
and he laid down in the snow, Pulling me down with him.

I laughed, "You really like it here don't you?"  
"Its not just that.. Whenever I'm here it reminds me of you."  
"Really? Why?"  
"Kyle don't you remember.. I met you here."  
"What? No, I thought we met in kindergarten."  
"We did, But I first talked to you here.. When we were little,  
And you and Your mom First moved here she toke you to the park and you came down to Stark's pond,  
and me, Kenny and Cartman where trying to make a bridge out of sticks.. Haha didn't work."  
He laughed.

"Then.." He continued,  
"We were making the bridge and You came down and asked if you could play with us.  
Cartman said your mom was a Jew and Jewish people cant play with us,  
but I called him a fat butt hole and let you help build it. That's when we first met,  
Then we were friends in Kindergarten."He smiled.

"Oh, wow. I think I remember something like that, We did meet here! Jesus, How could you remember that?  
That was so long ago"

Stan laughed,  
"You'd be surprised on how much I remember about us."  
Wow.. That is the sweetest thing.. He really does love me.  
After all I've done to him.. He shouldn't.

Stan scooted closer to me as we laid in the snow,  
put his hands on my waist and kissed meI kissed him back..  
But this just doesn't feel right. I'm keeping things from him,  
He has a right to know what's going on.

"Um.. Stan." I pulled away from him,  
He kissed me again, "What?" he asked then kissing me again,  
I grinned, he's doing the thing we used to always do.  
Make out conversations.  
I laughed between kisses then slowly pulled away.

"what?" He asked  
I look at the ground.  
"Stan there's something I've been meaning to tell you and.."  
"Cant it wait?"  
"I don't.."  
"Just a few more minutes. I've missed you so much."He kissed me ..  
Guess I'll tell him later, I decided.

I've missed kissing him anyways.  
Might as well savor it, After I tell him I might never kiss him again.  


* * *

Last night was amazing.  
It made me realize what a mistake Ive made of even thinking about breaking up with a guy like Stan.  
A guy with such a good heart, a good soul, Someone who really loves me for who I am.

Unfortunately there wasn't a right moment to tell him that stupid mistake I've made with Cartman.  
I've made up my mind. Me and Cartman have to be done with.  
It's obvious I really belong with Stan.  
The whole Cartman thing, was probably just a lust thing, maybe it wasn't really love at a minor crush I had.  
But what me and Stan have is the real thing.  
I walked to the bus stop with Stan hand in hand,  
We haven't done that in a good while.  
We were talking and laughing,  
I really feel like I belong with him.  
When we were coming up to Cartman and Kenny I kept trying to convince my feelings that  
I didn't care what he thinks.  
_I don't care what he thinks, I don't care.._

We came up to them, Kenny didn't care, But Cartman..  
He looked at us for a second like that, then looked away.  
I felt my stomach Tie into a tight knot.  
I don't know where it came from.. Cartman's face..No forget it! I don't like him.

Me and Stan were still laughing about something,  
then Stan turned to Cartman."Hey Cartman" he smiled.  
I saw Cartman grit his teeth and looked at us."Hi." he said coldly.  
I was the only one to notice how he said it.. Stan didn't.

"So listen.." Stan smiled,  
"I was thinking We could all go out, You know, on a tipple dates.  
We got six of those free tickets to that motorcycle show Saturday,  
Kenny, you can pick some girl and so can you Cartman, you know, have some fun."

Kenny smiled, "Moohoo!" And threw his hands in the air,  
"Merph merph meffin merphfun" (That'd be fucking awesome)

Stan looked at Cartman "Hey yeah. Hey Cartman is there anyone that you like you can bring?"

Cartman was frowning..  
I felt my heart drop deep, deep, deep into my stomach.

Cartman glanced and me and cracked knuckles. My chest burned.  
Then he looked back at Stan.  
"I used to.. But they left me for a fucking douche bag."  
I looked to the ground.

"Aw.. I'm sorry Cartman."  
hah, Stan doesn't know the half of it.

"Hey look, we'll find you someone to bring."  
He smiles and pats his back.  
"huh." He looked at him.  
Then the Bus pulled up.

* * *

I kept waiting and waiting for my next Class with Cartman..  
I had to talk to him.  
I had to tell him, I'm sorry, but we have to break up but I hope we can still be friends.  
I starred at the clock.

_Tic tic, tic._

Seems like its going slower and slower.  
I heard a tap on a desk and looked at stan, He passed me a note.  
I picked it up and opened it.

Why do you keep looking at the clock?  
-S

Um.. How do I answer that?  
I got out a pencil. I don't know..

Cant wait to get out of lame school I guess.  
-K

Finally the bell rang for our next class and I quickly grabbed my books and headed for next period,  
before I got there Stan caught up to me.  
"You look anxious about something." He smiled.  
"Dude, You know I hate school."  
"Yeah but.. I don't know, Your so speedy and jumpy" He laughed.  
I know.. Because I'm nervous.

"Hah. Yeah I don't know why." I faked a laugh.  
The second bell warning went off.

"Well I gotta go but see you later." He kissed my cheek and headed towards his class.  
I turned back and bumped into someone,  
"Sorry" I say picking up my stuff, I look up and It was.. Wendy Testaburger.  
Great. Of all the people in this school I had to run into her. she saw me she frowned.

"Queer. watch where your going!"  
I frowned "Watch where your going! I said I was sorry" I shot back.  
"Gah. Your so stupid! Boyfriend stealer."  
She murmured and pushed me out of her way, Knocking my stuff over again.  
**God damn it!**

I bent back down to pick it all back up.  
I ran into my class, while Mrs. Elson was talking,  
Everyone looked at me.

"Uh Kyle your late." Mrs. Elson tells me.  
"I know I'm sorry" I sit down hoping she'll say nothing more.  
"This is your first time you've ever been late. You ok?" She smiled.  
"Uh, yep."  
"Probably making out with his boyfriend in the hallway."I heard Craig say,  
and the class laughed.  
"Alright Class, That's not appropriate.  
In this school we respect other peoples different lifestyles and Craig  
If you say one more thing You'll be sent to detention."  
The class went quiet.

Woah dude. Mrs. Elson kicks ass!  
"Ok then.. During the 1890's the- -" Mrs. Elson went on.  
I looked at Cartman who had his head in his hand. He looks really sad..  
I started getting this feeling..  
No I cant feel bad! I told myself.  
That will just take me back into his trap.  
I'm breaking up with him. I'm breaking it off with him, and being with stan.

But looking at him.. He looks so vulnerable, and depressed..  
No, I just Cant break up with someone who looks like that..

I fight the feeling off. Yes I can. And will.  
I need to stop thinking of other people and think of myself for once!

I frown.. I could keep telling myself this..  
But I knew deep down I felt really, really bad about this.

When class was finally over I rushed over to Cartman's desk,  
"Listen, I really need to talk to you."  
He got up from my seat. "Uh huh." he said and started walking away.  
"No, listen to me this is really, really important."  
"Go tell your boyfriend."  
"Cartman. Stop it, We really need to have a talk."  
"No we don't."  
"Yes we do, I'm coming over to your house tonight Ok?"  
He didn't say anything he just kept walking.  
So I walked away.

* * *

That Night I Went down stairs,  
"Ma, I'm going to Cartman's house."  
"Why?"  
"Uh.. We still need to work on that project." I lied.  
"Oh, ok. Be back at 9:00 ok bubby?"  
"Ok. Bye mom."  
And I left.

I got to Cartman's house and knocked on door.  
His mom answered.  
"Uh Hi, Cartman here?"  
"Yes. He's upstairs." I came in and was about to go upstairs But His mom stopped me.

"Um, Kyle.  
Is something wrong with Eric?  
He hasn't been eating much lately and will hardly talk to anyone,  
By any chance do you know? I'm thinking about taking him to a doctor but I'm not sure.."  
She looked at me with sad eyes.

Hasent ate much?  
This is Eric fucking Cartman were talking about.  
He eats everything!  
This cant be because of me is it.. Fuck,

That nervous feeling I had a few minneutes ago  
just gota hell of a lot bigger..  
My chest felt like It was breaking.

"Uh, No. Um, No Idea."  
"oh." She looked sad.  
"Well Um, Can you try to cheer him up?  
He hasn't been acting.. Well, himself."  
oh my god..  
"Yeah.." I give her a small smile,  
"I'll do that."  
She smiles at me then walks away  
Christ.

I walk into Cartman's room and see his head behind his bed.  
I don't think he heard me come in,

"Cartman?" I ask.  
He immediately jumps up and I heard something metal drop onto the floor and quickly  
put his arm behind his back.

"Oh, Um hey kahl." he says quickly, "Hows it goin?" He asked fakinga smile.  
I walked closer to him, looking to see what dropped on the floor.  
There was a bloody knife.

I frowned, "Cartman, Let me see your arm."  
"Why?" He smiled sweetly.  
"Cartman let me see your arm right now."  
Cartman smirked. "no."  
"Let me see it!" I demanded and pulled his arm towards me.  
But he was too strong and refused to let me win.

I couldn't do it.  
"Cartman! I'm serious! Show me your arm right now Or I'm going to tell your mom what your doing!" I yelled.  
"You would seriously tell my mom? What are we, back in the third grade?"  
"If you wont show me then yes."  
He glared at me. "Your such a baby"  
"Show me!"He rolled his eyes and put out his arm,

It had about three or four cuts scrapped into his flesh and blood was drippingfrom it.. Dark red.  
"Cartman.. We need to take you to the hospital right now."  
He pushed me away. "No we don't. Fuck off."

I tugged on his arm again,  
"Yes we do!"  
"Damn it kahl leave me alone! Sense when do you care anyway?!"  
I was silent..  
"You're the reason I'm doing this!"  
He fell on his hands and knees to the ground and started crying.  
Everything inside me started tearing down.. everything.

He on his knees, crying in front of my with blood dripping from his arm..  
"You remeber when I said its better on the outside then inside kahl?"  
I slowly nooded.  
"Its true.. its like, when I do it, I feel all the pain from inside  
me, put tear open and bleed itself out..Atleast it made me feel alittle better."  
Doing that to himself..  
All Because of me.  
I did this.

Oh no. I felt like my heart was crumbling into little pieces and floating around inside me.  
I feel so fucking horrible.  
I'm starting to cry too..

I put my hand on his back.  
"Cartman, I dont ever want you to hurt yourself ever again."  
"I love you.." I heard myself whisper.  
I didn't even mean to say that.. That came out all on it's own.

Cartman wiped his tears. stod up and frowned "Don't fucking lie to me you fucking Jew!"  
He pointed his finger in my face.  
"You love Stan."  
He starred up at me, with his hatred and angry eyes.

All the sudden I hear my mom's phone vibrate in my pocket.  
She asked me to bring it with so she can get a hold of me If I change plans and come home late.  
Bad timing.  
Cartman Stares at me.  
I slowly reach to my pocket and open the phone.

"Hello?" I squeaked.  
"Hey Kyle!" Stan said  
"Come over to my house."  
"Um.. Now's not really a good time."  
"No, Kyle you really have too."  
"I..C-"  
"Pleeease" Stan cut me off.  
I sighed."fine."  
"Love you."  
"You too." I answer, still starring at Cartman.  
"bye."  
"bye."  
I hung up the phone and looked at him.

"I have to go see my mom, I think she wants me."  
"You mean you have to go see Stan.."  
I didn't say anything.  
He probably heard Stan's loud voice through the cellphone.

"But um.. I'll call you later," I say  
"uh huh."  
"Um.. Bye" I say with a light smile,  
"Uh huh."I started walking towards the door  
then looked back around at Cartman.  
Cartman looked at me with sad brown eyes that said, I know where your going.

Looks like the sadden and depressed look Ive seen him have at school today, But  
a hundred times worse..  
My eyes couldn't even bare to look at him.  
I quickly turned around and went his door.  
He knows I'm going to see Stan.  
My heart cant take all this..  
I feel like I'm slowly killing him.

* * *

Hope you liked the chapter :)  
Damn.. My hand hurts from typing that much..  
I think I'll take a nap.. im pretty tired. anyway,  
Thank you reviewers! :D


	26. Chapter 26 Its Over

I Open Stan's door and walked into his house.  
He was on the couch watching TV.  
Then he looked at me"Hey Kyle!" His whole face lit up.

"Hey.. So what did you call me over for?"  
Stan got off the couch,  
"Red racer four is on tonight!"  
"Uh.. that's what you called me over for?"  
"Yeah.. Dude you've been wanting to watch it sense the commercial last month."  
"Oh yeah… I did."  
"So, I was thinking we could watch it, I have it recorded" He said.

After seeing Cartman, I wasent really in the mood to watch a movie.

"Uh, I really don't think.- -"  
"Oh come on, why?! You've been waiting to see this sense forever" He cut me off  
He came closer and flashed his eye lashes, "Pleeeeaaaase?"

I laughed, "Ok" I agreed and sat on his couch.  
Stan played the movie, and sat down, putting his arm around me.

In the middle of the movie at some point I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes  
and relaxed.  
I got this tingly feeling..  
I really do belong with Stan.  
I just need to find a right way to break up with Cartman.  
He cant handle this anymore and I cant either.  
And It's obvious who I'm suppose to be with.  
I got a tight knot in my chest thinking about breaking up with Cartman..  
I know it's going to hurt But it's the right thing to do.  
I sighed. I'll tell him tomorow.

* * *

  
The next day at the bus stop,  
Cartman was completely ignoring me once again.  
Acting as if nothing happened.  
But he and I both know what's under his sleeve..

I feel insecure thinking,  
If I break up with him and he hurts himself, How could I live with myself?  
Then I reminded myself,  
I'm not making him do these things.  
Whatever he does, Is his fault, And though I may upset him,  
In the end he's really the one that caused whatever he does.

Stan was talking with Kenny about the game on Saturday,  
Kenny was saying how he was going to take this hot girl Lila.  
When Stan asked Cartman about who he's bringing,  
He simply glared and put in his earphones, playing his ipod.

Stan gave me a confused look when He ignored him.  
I shrugged As If I had no idea what was wrong with him.  
Even though I knew exactly whats wrong with him.  


* * *

In Class with Stan, Stan passed me a note.  
I opened it

_Valentines day, day after tomorrow_

It said, With a bunch of hearts around it.  
I looked and smiled at him.

My class with cartman was next.. I felt my heart racing as I Got closer and closer  
to the room, knnowing he was in there.  
I just had to tell him to meet me after school, I cant break up with him in class.  
I sat at my desk, Cartman wasent here yet.  
A few secounds later, He walked passed me and sat down.  
Completely iggnoring my exsistance.  
Mrs. Elson showed up and started our lesson.  
I toke a deep breath.  
**_I guess its now or never.  
_**I toke a piece of notebook paper out of my notebook and wrote

Cartman, Meet me after school today.  
-K

I crumpled it up and tapped my pencil on my desk trying to get his attention.  
He didnt even glance my way.  
I kept doing it but a bit louder.  
I got some looks from some other kids, but not Cartman.  
Finnaly I got mad and threw it at him.  
He was startled then frowned at me.  
He picked up the paper ball and threw it onto the floor.  
Damn it!  
What the fuck was that?!  
I angirly take out my notebook again and wrote the same note  
But folded it and wrote on the top, "Read me"

I threw it at his head again.  
He frowed and flipped me off.  
He picked up the note, Read it the top of it,  
Crumpled it up and tossed it on the ground.  
What the hell?! why does he keep doing that!?  
I know he read the 'Read me' Part of it.

I'm starting to get pissed.. I Start writting it again, But  
stop when I notice Cartman is writting somthing on his notebook.  
Is he writting that to me?  
Well He sure as hell doesnt take notes for class.  
A few secounds later He Crumples his note into a ball and tossed it to me.  
I picked it up slowly. My fingers were shaking as I held onto it.  
He didnt even read my notes.. what would he write?  
I Sigh and flowly Un crumple the note and read,

Kyle,  
I am serriously fucking done.  
Im done waiting,  
Whatever thing we had, Its over.  
Beacuse You were really his all along.  
So stop passing me your stupid notes.  
I'm done with you. Leave me the fuck alone.  
Bye forever, - Eric Cartman

I slowly put down the note.  
Did he just break up with me?  
My heart Felt as if someone just queezed all the blood out of it.  
I looked at Cartman, He was looking straight up at Mrs. Elson.  
He never pays attention to the teacher.  
My chest felt weak and I felt as if I am going to burst out crying.  
Why? This is what I wanted!  
I was going to break up with him after school.. right?  
So why do I feel so fucking misserable?

* * *

  
At the end of class, Cartman walked passed me as if I were nothing.  
That just made the tears I'm holding in, harder to fight back.  
I mean.. Its like _he doesent even care_

I started walking in the hallway.. I really didnt want to see Stan so I walked away from my locker,  
Didnt care where I was going.

* * *

The rest of the school day Ive been really.. down.  
I felt like I had no air.  
Like someone had suffocated me and I cannot gasp for breath.  
When I had my next class I just sat with my head down in my arms.  
Usually I would want to make a good impression for my teachers  
But for the first time In My life, I didnt care.

I kept pinching myself to stop feeling this way,  
This is what I wanted. I have stan now.  
I thought trying to make myself happier.. no matter what I thought  
I still felt this drowsy, sad, depressing hole inside me.  
I decided I was just sick.

When I finnaly had to go to my locker, Stan was there..  
"Hey where were you?" He smiled,  
"What's wrong?" He asked.  
"Nothing.. Nothing I'm just really tired."  
"Oh.. well anyways, my house tonight right?"  
I frowned,

_Cartman would have known somthing was wrong..  
Cartman would have kept asking, and demanded to tell him,  
knowing I was lying._

I shook the thought out of my head.  
"Yeah" I forced a smile  
"Great" He smiled.  
"But i might be alittle late, I have to help my mom  
With the laundry tongight."  
"Ok" Stan smiled.

_Cartman would have got suspicious.. even though this time I am telling the truth  
atleast Cartman notices how I really feel, instead of taking everything I say for how it is._

I mentally kicked myself.  
Stop thinking about that!

Later I got to Stan's house and we sat on his bed, every couple minneutes his parents  
would come in just to "Check in" I know they just want to make sure were not doing anything.  
Everytime they came in Stan smiled and laughed that were not doing anything.

_If Cartamn's mom kept comming in he would have commanded her to get the fuck out.  
That sounds bad.. but atleast we had privacy.  
_  
I flic myself.  
**STOP THINKING about him!  
**  
Stan looked at me, "You ok? Look like somthing's on your mind."  
I smiled at him "I'm fine"  
He smiled and puts his arm around my waist

_Is that really all he does?  
put his arm around me and kiss me?  
Jesh.. I'd like alittle more then that.  
I know I stopped him once but That was a long ass time  
ago! I think we wouldve got to a bigger base by now!  
Unlike Cartman.. He just went for it!  
I was drunk.. but even when I wasent drunk we did more then this!  
no wounder we might have had sex.._

I frown at myself! GOD DAMN IT  
**STOP THINKING LIKE THIS!  
**I growl silently at myself.. Stan doesnt even notice how tense I am  
right now.

_..Cartman would have noticed.._

DAMN IT!  
I Flicked myself in the head four times.  
Stan raised his eyebrow,  
"Uh.. whats wrong?"  
"Nothing!" I came out harsher then I intended it too..  
"Uh.." Stan scotted back alittle.  
"Why do you keep flicing yourself?"  
"Its nothing ok?!" I huffed.  
Stan gave me a stunned look.  
I shouldnt take this out on him..  
I spoke softer "Its nothing, really"  
I kissed his cheek.  
And for once, I think he didnt believe me.

* * *

I came home,  
I had such a great time, I am so lucky too have stan  
I would tell myself.  
But I know I still feel like shit.

I walk up to my room and fall onto my bed.

I felt tears despreate to be free,  
But I trapped them inside.  
I cant let myself cry over this.  
This is what I wanted.. isnt it?

It just hit me a few minneutes ago.  
Over.. It's really **over.  
**Me and Cartman.  
I cant believe it. Its really.. truely..  
Over.  
One of the tears somehow mannaged to escape,  
But I tell myself its not beacuse its.. **over.**

* * *

Hope you liked the Chapterr :)  
I might right the next one tonight.. but idk.  
Love you reviewers ! :D


	27. Chapter 27 Without him

I had a dream last night about me and Cartman holding eachother..  
about how it used to be.  
I had a dream about how we would always sneak up to his room,  
Watch late movies together,  
And as much as I love Stan, I have to addmitt he can be a goody two  
Shoes.  
Cartman on the other hand, showed me a side of me I never even knew I had.  
I sighed. It doesnt matter.  
We're over now.  
It's for the best I guess.  
I hop out of bed, and start brushing my teeth.. you know its funny..  
Just knowing he's not mine anymore.. I feel like it hurts.  
I realized I am brokenhearted.  
I just have to deal with this. I tell myself.

I get outside and start walking towards the bus stop.  
When I'm walking up I see Stan smiling.  
See.. Itell myself. Theres somthing to be proud of.  
But as soon as I got sight of Cartman My insides went raw.

The guy Ive been dreaming about.. the guy haunting my brain..  
Ex boyfriend.

I start thinking, was he really ever My boyfriend?  
I mean we had somthing, But I never stopped dating Stan..  
I dont know.

I get to them and Stan throws his arm around my shoulder and  
Hugs me, I laugh nervously and hug him back. I glance at Cartman  
whos looking the other way.  
Why do I feel so horrible doing this infront of him?  
Me and Stan talked about tomorow.  
We were suppose to do valintines tomorow, But It turns out  
we had to cancel it.

Cartman was just frowing at the ground.  
I quickly pull my head away.  
Why do I keep looking at him?

* * *

Having class with Cartman was a hundred times worse then this morning.  
I couldnt keep my eyes away, I fought them and demanded them not to look over  
But That just made it harder..  
He's starring down at his paper, concentrating.  
Which is odd beacuse he never concentrates on his homework.  
He spends most of his time trying to get out of it.  
I DEMAND my eyes to look to other way, I force them too..  
But a few secounds later, I was just drawn right back.  
Like, I had no control over it.  
When I looked at him, I thought about the dreams Ive had..  
His hair.. His gorgous brown hair, used to wave through  
my fingertips.  
His lips.. used to lock mine.  
His eyes, were so sincere, The look he used to give me when he starred into  
mine was breathtaking.. he used to be mine.

I fliced myself in the head five times and held my head away so I couldnt  
have a chance to look at him again.. It's too painful.  
I keep telling myself This is only beacuse of the break up..  
And I need to get over this.

* * *

A few day's went by and I seemed to be getting worse and worse.  
I feel like My heart is clutched into needles, and everytime I see cartman they  
They stab deeper and deeper into my heart.  
The dreams didnt stop.  
It seemed like wherever I went, whenever he was allways on my mind.  
ALWAYS.  
Just knowing he's not mine makes me want to start crying..  
So I dont think about it anymore.. or try not too.

And seeing Stan, I feel alot worse.  
I feel as if I'm doing somthing really wrong by thinking about some  
other guy 24/7.

* * *

_Cartman held onto my shoulders,  
"WE belong together kyle dont you fucking see that?!"  
He screams as we are back in the janitors closet.  
"It's always about stan!" He yells.  
Then we somehow appeared in his room  
And he lifted up his sleave "Your the reason I did this!" He screamed  
Then he somehow ended up accross the room and walked towards  
me, "I love you" he said and kissed me,_

I sat up and rubbed my eyes.  
and sighed.  
Another stupid dream.  
I sit up on my bed.. its obvious I wont beable to fall right  
back to sleep now.  
I cluntch onto my chest, It hurts so much,  
I can litteraly feel the emotion inside of it  
and it stings. I miss him so much.  
Tears start developing.. That note he gave me..  
"Its over. Its over. Its over."  
As soon as I read those words, everything we had together,  
which was everything was suddenly.. gone.  
just like that.  
I lay my head back onto my pillow.  
It doesnt matter.. he broke up with me anyways right.  
It ended.. it acctually ended.  
My eye started to water again.. I clench them shut.  
I am so fucking sick of crying.  
But I miss him so much.

* * *

The next morning Stan walked up to me and kissed my cheek.  
I faked a smile.  
"Why didnt you answer your phone last night?"  
"Oh, I didnt answer?"  
"No."  
"Oh sorry.. I didnt hear it ring."  
I lied.. truth is I really didnt want to talk to him at the moment.  
Stan smiled and the bus pulled up.  
I dont even need to look at Cartman to know he's completely iggnoring  
me once again.  
Plus, I learned it's best not to look at him.. Then I wont fear worse looking at him  
then already knowing hes not mine. anymore.

* * *

I headed to my next Class with Stan and were partners on essay we had  
to write.  
Stan smiled at me sympathetically  
"Kyle?" he asked lightly  
I forced a smile back up to him  
"Yeah?"  
"Um.. This is probably out of the blue,  
But I'm just woundering.  
Is there.. Is there somthing wrong?"

Am i making it seem like somthings wrong?!

"Um, no, no why do you ask?"  
"I dont know.. you just seem kinda, Distracted lately"  
Is it really that obvious?!  
"Oh, No nothings wrong."  
I smile at him again.  
He returns the smile and noddes.  
God is it really that noticable?

* * *

The Bell rang for our next class,  
I gathered my books and began walking to my next class..  
with Cartman.  
Ugh. joy.  
"Oh um Kyle?"  
I hear 's voice behind me.  
I turn around,  
"Hey, can we talk a sec?"  
What does he want?  
"uh, sure." I walk to him.

He sits on his chair and takes a deep breath.  
"Kyle, You are one of the best students I have ever taught  
at this school and there have been some concerns."

My heart jumps.. what concerns?!  
"What concerns?"  
"Kyle, Your grades have been dropping dramatically,  
I could expect this from some other students but not you.  
Is there somthing going on at home, or with your friends,  
somthing distracting you?"

Fuck. My grades have been dropping?!  
I didnt even know that

"Uh, I'm sorry Mr. Larson, I'll try and do better,  
I'm just under alot of stress right now."  
"Anything you'd like to talk about?"  
Not to you.  
"Um, no It's fine now. It's all taken care of."  
"Good." He puts his pencil to his chin,  
"Beacuse you dont want it to affect your grades,  
you know they look at this stuff for collage you know."

"I know, and I'm sorry I'll get back on track."  
Mr. Larson smiles, "Ok. Thats good to hear."

I walk out of the room.. My grades have been dropping?

* * *

It was litteraly torture having to sit here with cartman in  
the same room.  
It was driving me insane.  
I cant concentrate, I cant focous with him sitting a few seats away  
from me! That's probably why my grades are getting low.  
Everytime I look at him I want to cry.  
I want to cry, then I want to kiss him.  
Then want him to promise he will never let me be like this again.  
I miss him.  
Ok, Maybe I am in love with Cartman.. Maybe this whole thing with stan..  
Ugh I clutch my head trying not to think about even concidering breaking up  
with Stan.. but then again I dont think I can do this any longer without breaking down.

* * *

That night I toss and turn, I cant sleep.  
Cartman's face.. Damn it why cant I get it out of my head?!  
I know I'm wide awake, though its 12:53.  
I cant sleep.  
Either I'll have another more nightmares of him,  
or thoughts of him and I cant sleep at all.  
I get out of bed and slam my fists on the floor  
"I cant take this anymore! I cant fucking take this!"  
I slam them on my desk, and hit the floor,  
I keep hitting the floor until my anger turns into tears and  
I fall onto the ground. Tears sobbing into my carpet.  
"I love him.." I whisper.  
I do love him..  
I cant do this, I have to see him.

* * *

Sorry if that was bad..  
I was having a writters block.  
I still am a bit, but not anymore.  
I wont blame you if you think this  
chapter wasent that good.. I agree.  
lol. The next chapter will improve.  
I promise.  
Thanks reviwers :)


	28. Chapter 28 Reunited

I found myself Walking over to Cartman's house that night.  
I don't exactly know why..  
All I know Is that I have to see him.  
I am dying to see him.  
My insides are is begging me to go.

I don't know exactly what I'm going to say,  
I'm just.. Ok the point is,  
I miss him a lot.  
Being without him is killing me.  
Maybe I don't belong with Stan after all.

I get to his house and theres a lot of Car's parked in front of it..  
That's weird.  
Are they having a party or something?  
I go to the doorstep and knock on their door.  
No answer.  
I knock again.  
Nothing.

So I get to the back of their house and pick up a small rock.  
I'm pulling a Stan move.  
I tossed it at his window.  
I tossed another one and another.

Its fucking cold out here, he better wake up.  
"Come on fat ass wake up!" I mutter under my breath.  
I lean down to pick another rock up then I hear the window open.

I look up and I swear my heart stopped up,  
I think I see his face.. yeah I do! Its him!  
He looked down at me frowning,  
I cant breathe.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" He whispers loudly down to me  
_Honestly I don't know what I'm doing._

"Uh, Cartman, Come down here!"  
"Why?!"  
"Just get your fat ass down here!" I yell  
"SHH!!" He hisses, "Theres people sleeping in here you fucking jew!"  
He loudly whispers down at me.  
People?

"What people?"  
Suddenly I got an image,  
Cartman isn't sleeping with someone else already is he?  
I felt my heart burn into my chest..  
Imagining him with another guy.. He cant be.. I started to feel my eyes get teary thinking about it.

"Just what the fuck do you want?!" He ignored my question  
"What people!?" I whisper again  
"My fucking cousin, They have to stay here a few days"  
I sighed with relief, everything inside me lossened up.  
Thank fucking god.. Wait why do I care?  
Why am I even here?  
Stan wouldn't like this..My head ignored my conscious

"Cartman, Please just get down here!"  
He frowned down at me.  
He studdied me for a few seconds, then rolled his eyes and closed the window.  
I smiled, He's coming ,

Wait, What am I even suppose to say?  
Ive been thinking about you constantly and want you back?  
No, I'm not saying that!  
Why did I even come here anyways? I'm with Stan,  
It's like my body dragged me here beyond my free will.

Cartman then came out his front door and continued zipping his coat up and walked up to me with an unreadable expression,  
and put his hands in his pocket.

I haven't even stood next to him this close in a long time.  
Usually were trying to avoid each other.  
"So.. What do you want Jew?" He asked blankly.  
"I.." I put my hand umcomfortable behind my hat  
"I don't know."  
Cartman raised his eyebrow, "You're here because.. You don't know?"  
"No! well.. Uh, I mean Yeah, I guess."  
"huh." Cartman stod starring at me, as if waiting for me to say something else.  
"Um.. I guess It's maybe because Ive missed you. a lot."  
Cartman's expression didn't change. Just store at me.  
"And.. Look, The last couple days I've realized,  
I don't love Stan. Stan's a good boyfriend, but without you.. I just feel..  
I don't know, I just feel so empty."

Cartman looked down in the snow and moved his foot around in it.  
"I believed you last time you said that."  
"Look, I told you, We had to pretend me and Stan were still dateing,  
plus it was only one stupid show."

Cartman knoted his eyebrows,  
"And why did we have to pretend?  
Is it like it would hurt any less then if you told him later?"  
He was right.

"Cartman,"  
I stepped closer to him  
"I'm really, really s-"  
"I don't want to hear it just get the fuck off my lawn"  
"Cartman but I--"  
"Get off!" He warned.  
"I just- -"  
"Kahl.." He growled.

I felt tears begin to develop in my eyes.  
This is actually happening..  
Well what did I expect?  
I say sorry, We get back together and it's a happily ever after?  
I knew I shouldn't have come.

I felt a tear rolling down my cheek,  
"I.. I really love you.." My voice hoxed in barley a whisper.  
Cartman stod still with his arms crossed.  
"Um.. Bye" I whispered, With another tear rolling down my cheek, and I slowly walk away..  
Away from his house.. Away from myself.

I felt his eyes watching me as I was walking It doesn't matter because he doesn't care.  
He doesn't care that I'm crying. He doesn't care that I held out my heart and he grabbed threw it on the ground  
and stommped on it till I felt nothing but pain.  
He doesnt care.. And that just made me cry more.  
The tears didn't help, I couldnt see where I was going.. I just saw grey blobs  
and My face got fucking colder from the trails my tears strolled down.

I'm sniffiling in the cold,  
wipping my nose with my jacket, I'm sure I'm making a rash.  
I so desperately wanted to stop walking and just stop and fall into the snow  
and lay there.. I'm tired of walking, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of my heart acheing and this hole inside that will never leave.  
I'm just fucking tired.

* * *

I finnaly do mannage to get to my house.  
I snuck through the window, and immediately climbed into my bed.  
I rubbed my cold face into my covers and cried into it.  
I want to fucking die.  
I want to rip my heart out,  
I just want to get a knife and stab into my chest tearing out my heart So I can stop fucking feeling this way!  
I just.. I'm fucking sick!  
God damn it!  
I curl up onto my bed and cry to myself..  
Slowly driffting away..  
You have no idea how this feels and how badly I just wanted to die.

* * *

CLUNK!

DUNT!  
BUDUNT!

I lifted my head, It hurts like a bitch.  
I feel like my brain got tortured.

DUNT!

I look at the window,  
then slam my head into my pillow five times.  
It's probably Stan, I really, really cant talk to him right now.

I know If stan thinks I'm sleeping he'll just leave me alone.  
So I remained in my bed, But The sounds just got louder

"Damn it wake up!" I heard.  
I lift my head up..  
**Cartman?**

I go to my window and Cartmans out there!  
He's.. Throwing sticks at my window.

I smiled alittle,  
He came. he acctually came over here.  
I felt my heart being lifted up  
"Get down here! I am fucking freezing my ass off! You should have woke up awhile ago!"  
Cartman frowned up at me.

I laughed alittle bit.  
I went and got my shoes and coat and went out my window.  
I am now a master at getting down that stupid tree.  
I stod in front of Cartman, His expression still blank.  
I notice he's wearing a hat I recognize, With the capital letter "P" on it.  
He wore it, years ago when we got infected with Aids.. Long story.

I froze..  
Completely had no idea what was about to happen.  
"So.." Cartman began."You love me?"

I smiled, Looked down and blushed,  
"I always have." I muttered.  
And for the first time in the longest fucking time That has ever dragged on in my life,  
His fingertip touched my chin lifting it up to look at him.  
Just the touch of his fingertip gives me this unexplainable feeling.  
He smiles at me,  
"Your breaking up with stan." He tells me.  
I felt butterflys and my heart flying.  
I smiled and noodded.  
Then he hugged me..  
Oh my missed this so much..  
I slowly wrapped my arms around him and I get the old feeling I used to get.  
I smile warmly, I cant even feel the coldness anymore.  
This is really happening, I smile.

* * *

I snuck Cartman inside my room.. Neither of us wanted tonight to end.  
Ive missed him so fucking much.  
I still cant believe this is real.  
I have to keep pinching myself to see if I'll wake up from a dream.  
We laid on my bed, and I held his side.. Holding his side.. I'm in heaven.  
I havent touched him in so long.  
I have longed for this for the longest time.  
It's like being addicted to a drug,  
Then your sobber, then the feeling you get  
the moment you start ussing again.  
He's my drug.  
I slowly reached over and kissed his lips,  
This time, he kissed back.

I wanted to cry with happiness.  
I thought this would never ever happen again.  
But here we are.  
I felt so happy inside.  
Noone kisses like he does.  
Ive missed this..  
I keep kissing him then slowly reach down and  
grab hold of his boxers slowly taking them down,  
Cartman stops kissing me and looks at me,  
"You sure? I dont want to rush you if you dont want too."  
"I'm sure," I quickly say keep kissing him.  
He pulls away again,  
"yeah but I dont- - "  
"Just take your fucking boxers off!" I Greed.  
Cartman raised his eyebrow and grinned.

Did I really just say it like that?  
I'm supprissed at myself.

"Little fiesty there are you?" He laughs  
I held him closer, "I just really missed you"  
He smiles again, "I can tell" He says, and he  
moves his hands up my shirt..

God Ive missed this.

* * *

Woohoo!! I'm so excited!  
That acctually turned out good.  
I was worried My writers block,  
was going to take over..  
But I think it was good :)  
Anyway, as always thanks reviewers  
Your the reason I keep writting :D


	29. Chapter 29 With and without him

I felt myself wake up with unopened eyes and the sun shinning  
down onto my bed through the window.  
I smiled at the thoughts of last night, I slowly put my arm over to the other  
side of the bed, expecting Cartman to be there, But I felt nothing.  
I opened my eyes and he was gone.  
I slowly sat up from my bed.  
Why does he always do that?

I looked around my rooom and saw a note tapped onto my dresser,  
I got up and looked,

No Regreats.  
Love you.  
-Cartman

I put the note down and smiled,  
I got a giddy feeling after I read that.  
I felt so much better,  
I'm still alittle mad he always leaves after we sleep together.  
I'd like to wake up to him for once.  
I kept replaying what happened last night,  
and got goosbumps everytime I replayed the part  
we kissed.  
The saying is true, You never know what you got, until its gone.  
I was so close to lossing him.. I did lose him.  
But I got him back.  
I grinned, with butterflys and decided to go downstairs and get breakfest.  
I started to think, Maybe he left so my parents wouldnt find out..  
Oh god, just thinking about the look on my mom's face if she found  
out I was sleeping with Eric Cartman made me cringe.  
Probably good he left.

I felt someone tug my sweatpants behind me.  
I turn around and Ike was holding out a bowl and a spoon.  
Right. we wants me to make cerial.  
Isnt he old enough to make his own?!  
I roll my eyes and make it anyway.  
I dont really care, but he should mature alittle bit and do stuff on his own.  


* * *

Me and Ike sat at our table, I was eating frenchtoast sticks.  
Damn it,  
I was so excited about having Cartman in my life again I completely forgot  
about what I was getting myself into.. breaking up with Stan.  
I dropped my spoon into my bowl on accident thinking of the thought.  
Right.. I have to do it.  
He deserves better then me anyways, after all I did to him.  
Serves me right, ending up with an asshole like Cartman.  
But I better do it soon, I know the more I keep this from him the more guilty I'll feel.  
As if I dont feel bad enough already.  
I sighed, I have to break up with the one guy who meant everything to me and treats  
me like no other guy could, and be with the guy whos a complete jerk who I also happened to fall in love with.  
You'd think I'd pick stan out of the two choices huh?  
I did too.  
Ike said somthing interupting my thoughts.  
"What?"  
"I said why was Cartman here last night?"  
My mouth dropped open.  
How the fuck did he find out?  
"Uh.. beacuse."  
I just realized how lame that sounded.

Ike crossed his arms, "Does your boyfriend know about this?"  
I frown,  
"Mind your own damn bussniss Ike."  
Ike scowled then starred down at his cherrios.  
Nosy bastard.

* * *

Right after breakfest I called Cartman,  
I really wanted to see him.  
I dialed his phone and it Rang twice?  
*click, "Hello?"  
I smiled. "Why do you always do that?"  
"Do what?"  
"Leave in the morning."  
I heard Cartman Scuff, "Dude, If your bitch mom woke up and I was there  
I'd be dead."  
I chuckled, "Thats true.. but my mom's not a bitch" I tightened my fitsts.  
"No, I'm pretty sure she is"  
"Shes not, fat ass."  
"But she is."  
"Damn it! I'm hanging up on you if you keep saying that!"  
"Woah calm down, just kidding" He lowered his voice "Kinda."  
"christ, its that time of the month again huh?"  
I feel myself getting angry  
"No! I dont even have a time of the month!"  
"Trust me you do."  
"I'm hanging up now."  
"Kahl I'm kidding, take a joke. relax alittle"  
"I was relaxed until you started being an asshole"  
I heard him sigh on the other line.  
"I love yoooooou" He said dramatically  
I rolled my eyes, "Stop it."  
"But I love you kaaahhl."  
"Shut up."  
"I'm sailing with kahl, sailing, on the corse to the vergances,  
beacuse, I love kahl, so please dont you, be mad at me- -"  
He started singing the melody of the song Come sail away  
I know he's trying to make me laugh.. and It's working.  
I felt my anger fuzz away.  
I giggled, Cartman stopped singing when he heard me laugh.  
"So.. My house, 4:30?" he asked.  
I smiled, "Ok."  
"bye"  
"bye"  
I hung up the phone and felt This feeling like i was floating,  
Making me all happy inside.  
I couldnt stop smiling.

* * *

At 4:20 I decided to walk to Cartman's house.  
I grabed my coat, ran downstairs, Got on my shoes, Opened  
the door, and Stan was standing there..

He smiled at me "Hey, I was just going to ring the doorbell"  
uh.. why is he here?  
Great.

"Oh, uh Hey. whats up?"  
He grinned, "Nothing. I was thinking maybe you  
could come over."  
"Oh. Uh, I cant"  
"Why?"  
"I um, I have to go over to the Hallmart store, Or I mean I was just walking over there."  
"Oh, I'll walk with you"  
Damn it! why did I say that?!  
That was a horrible excuse!

"Um, You cant.."  
Stan raised his eyebrow "Why?"  
"Beacuse um.."  
DAMN IT! THINK OF AN EXCUSE!  
THINK!!

"You know, I dont want to make you walk over,"  
"No Its fine." He smiled.  
"Yeah But I kind of want to walk alone.."  
Stan's expression looked hurt..  
"oh... uh, Ok."  
"I.. I'm sorry." I say and start walking away.  
Leaving stan at my doorstep watching me with a confused look.

Turns out I had to walk the opposite direction from Cartman's house sense  
Stan showed up, and I told him I was going to the hallmart store.  
Hallmart store is this way.  
I kept kicking myself for using that lame excuse.  
And frowning into the snow.  
Cartman's probably going to be crabby now that I'll be late.

I kept looking back when I was walking,  
I kept getting parinoid that what if Stan was following me or something.  
But I know Stan wouldnt do something like that.  
I'm just getting nervous.

I finnaly turn around and start walking the other way when I finnaly convince  
myself Stan isnt following me.  
I had to take the longer way to Cartman's. I dont want to pass my house beacuse I live next to  
Stan, and I didnt want him to see me.

I finnaly get to Cartman's and the door swung open before I had a chance to knock.  
He frowned, "Toke you long enough."  
I rolled my eyes, "Sorry" I mumble and let myself in.  
I sat on his couch, I havent been here in awhile sense we before we "Broke up"  
I smiled at the memorys on this couch.. We first kissed on this couch.  
Cartman Hopped and sat next to me.

"So.. What toke you so long?" He asked.  
I grumbled.  
"Stan stopped at my house when I was about to come over,  
He wanted me to go over there and I said no, and said I had to go  
to the store by myself."  
Cartman gazed at me "You told him you had to go to the store by yourself?"  
"Yeah."  
"That's a really lame lie." He laughed.  
I frowned, "Well I'm sorry I'm not a Lie master unlike you who lies to almost everyone!"  
Cartman flashes his eyelashes, "I dont lie to you" He says.  
I heard myself laugh alittle.  
"When are you going to break up with the D-bag?"  
"He's not a D-bag.. and cartman you have to understand how long me and stan have been friends  
for.. this is alot harder for me to do then your making it sound."  
I saw Cartman's face get dark.  
Great, he's getting mad.  
"But I will break up with him soon"  
I added quickly.

Cartman softened a bit.  
"Better." he says and take a drink of his coke.  
Then he wraps his arm around my shoulder,  
"Beacuse Your mine, Jew" He grins  
I couldnt help but smile, For some reason whenever he says things  
like that I get turned on.. I still dont understand it.

Cartman picked up the remote and started flipping channels.  
"No fucking, History channel" he mummers.  
I chuckled, Thinking back to the time It was one of those rare days he let  
me pick what to watch and I put on the history channel.. it really isnt that bad.  
But I couldnt watch it beacuse Cartman was complaining about it the whole four minneutes  
I had it on.  
I had made a huge mistake..  
No matter how diffucult for me it is to understand why I love someone like him,  
which is still beyound me.. I really love him.  
I almost let him go.  
No, He let me go.

I laid there on Cartman's shoulder while we watched rat race,  
And he held my hand, It reminded me of the old days.  
Back to the good days I smiled.  
But then I thought about Stan..  
How could I be doing this to him.. again?  
And How can I break his heart  
when All he ever done was love me?  


* * *

YAY! MY WRITERS BLOCK IS DESTROYED!  
PARTY :D  
haha, anyways, thank you reviewers,  
Tell me what you think :)


	30. Chapter 30 Troubles

I had to addmitt I was alittle glad when Stan didnt show up for school this morning.  
not to be mean or anything but to be honest about it.  
It's so akward being around Cartman and Stan when I'm both supposivly "Dating"  
them.  
And Cartman always gives me weird looks when I'm around Stan.  
and He's always watching us. Always.  
He Rarely ever lets us even be alone together without his presence.  
Ive learned he's the jelous type.

I'm also glad Stan's not here beacuse today was the day Cartman  
demanded I break up with him..  
Ive spent hours infront of the mirror and pacing around my room  
with morning figgering out how I'm suppose to do this.  
When he didnt show up I felt so much weight being lifted off my shoulders.

Cartman was annoied he wasent here, beacuse he's been planning for days  
That this was the day were suppose to break up.  
But he's not here.. I'm acctually kind of happy about that.  
And I can go through one whole school day without Cartman constantly  
being behind my back.  
I wounder where Stan is..

* * *

At lunch Me, Kenny and Cartman sat our usal table.  
I sat next to Cartman.  
"Mephs mephh?" (wheres Stan?)  
"I dont know." I answer.  
Cartman didnt replie.  
Kenny was about to take a bite out of his ballony sandwhich  
Then slowly put it down and glanced at Me then Cartman.  
He rubbed his hands together then crossed them.  
He looked at us again.  
"Merph meh" (Tell me)  
"Tell you what?" I asked  
Kenny raised his eyebrow, "Merph mer murh merph merffing merfout"  
Cartman frowned "Kenny take off your stupid hood so we can understand you!"  
Kenny put down his hood.  
I cant believe were in highschool and he still wears that thing.  
Kenny crossed his arms again.  
"Tell me whats going on between you two"  
My chest tightened,  
"What are you talking about?" I ask him slowly  
Kenny grinned, "You know what I'm talkin about"  
Cartman rolled his eyes "No, we dont. what the hell are you talking about."  
Kenny smirked, "Somthin's goin on here I dunno about."  
I heart went cold..  
Is it really that obvious?

I can tell Cartman's getting nervous too.. But immediatly hides it.  
I glance at Cartman who I caught also looking at me.  
I gave him a look for despreatly waiting for him to say something.  
He didnt.  
"Uh.." I start to say.  
Cartman rolls his eyes, "Nothing's going on kenny."  
"Uh huh." He says, Plain and unconvinced.

Maybe We should just tell him,  
Its obvious he knows already,  
Cartman could tell I was concidering this and frowned  
and gave me a small nodd that said, _'Dont tell him.'_  
I looked at kenny who kept his stare suspiciously.  
I just looked down and started eating my peas.

* * *

I heard a tapping noise in class, I looked over and Cartman held a small paperball in his  
hand low enough so I could see it then he passed it to me.  
I picked it up and read

_I know what you were thinking at lunch.  
Dont fucking tell him._

I frown at the note.  
Sense when does he become all high and Mighty  
telling me what to do?

I flip the note over.  
I was about to write that but I dont want to risk him  
getting all pissed at me.  
I erased what I had written  
and rewrote,

_Why?  
He knows anyway.  
people will find out sooner or later._

I tossed it to him.  
Good thing cant see very well.  
He hasent caught a single student passing notes.  
Either that or he just doesnt care.

I saw Cartman glitch his eyebrows together and write somthing on  
the paper, then crumpled it up and passed it to me.  
I grabed it and opened it

_Beacuse Kenny's poor,  
Poor people always tattletale.  
He'll tell stan and you know it._

I get my pencil out again,

_No he wont. He's our best friend.  
He wouldnt tell stan if I asked him not too.  
p.s stop with your fucking sterotypes.  
Being poor has nothing to do with the kind of person you are._

I pass it to him.  
Cartman quickly jots somthing down and passes it to me.  
I open it in my lap,

_Dont tell him.  
p.s Yes it does._

I roll my eyes.  
He's such an asshole.

_

* * *

_

"Hurry up, Grab your shit and come over."  
Cartman said as we were walking away from the moving bus.  
"Ok." I agreed.  
I'm suppose to meet Cartman tonight.  
Cartman started walking towards his house and away from mine,  
"Wait!" I say  
Cartman turned around and I leaped on him,  
Kissing him.  
His body tensed up from the supprise, then he lowered and kissed me back.  
I let go, and he smiled,  
I blushed, "What? I didnt kiss you at all today" I say.  
"ha huh" Cartman nervously laughs and Starts walking away again smiling.

* * *

I came through my door flipping my shoes off and heading up stairs  
"Kyle? bubby is that you?" I hear my mom from the kitchen.  
"Yea ma!" I answer still walking up the steps,  
"Come in here!" she stops me.  
I sigh and walked into the kitchen.  
"Stan called, He told me to tell you to call him back and that it was urgent."

Urgent?

"What happen?!"  
"I dont know, he wouldnt say, But he sounded really upset."

Uh oh.. I quickly grabbed the phone off the table and ran up to my room.  
My heart went numb and my stomach was going crazy.  
What if he found out?  
What if he knows?!

I quickly dial his number and tap my fingers on the table  
impatiently as it rang.  
The secound ring,  
"Hello?" I heard Stan's voice weakly.  
"Stan?"  
"yeah.. Hi kyle." His voice squeeked  
I can tell by his voice he'd been crying.

Oh my god he knows!?!  
"You Ok?" I ask him  
That was a stupid question, I thought immediatly after I said it.  
"No.." He answered in a low voice.  
"Goodbye." Stan said.  
He's hanging up on me?  
Oh fuck he does know!  
How the hell did he find out!?!?!  
"Listen Stan, I can explain" I tell him.  
"I never got to say it." he said.  
My heart is racing and I swear I'm sweating.  
Oh god, please! This cant happen!  
"Stan I- - "  
"I never got to say goodbye"  
Stan cut me off.

I froze.  
Wait what?

"What?"  
"My grandma. She died last night.  
I never got to say goodbye."

Everything inside my body felt a fuzzing feeling of relief.  
I toke a deep breath.  
It wasent about me and Cartman.  
I thought soothingly.

"Really?" I ask him, not knowing what else to say.  
"yeah. We were really close, you know?  
Besides my parents, shes the only person in my family  
I was really close too."  
I heard him let out a small cry.  
Then sniffle it back up.

Oh my god..

"I.. I just--" I heard stan cry again.  
"Stan I'll be right over" I said hanging up the phone.  
I didnt realize what I said till I hung up.  
But I'm suppose to be going to Cartmans.. wait this is alot more important.  
His Grandma just died.  
and hearing Stan like that.. Theres no way I can think about going to cartmans.

* * *

I knock on Stans door and His dad answered right away.  
"Um, is Stan here?"  
"Yeah he's up in his room.. I'm glad your here.  
You heard what happened right?"  
I gulped. "Yeah Stan called me."  
"Oh good. He's been crying for hours,  
Hopefully you can cheer him up."  
He says.

Why do I feel so guilty about this?  
Theres no reason.

I walk up to stan's room and find him with his head in his hands,  
sobbing. I walk over and give him a hug.  
He doesnt move. He just keeps crying.  
I rub his back  
"It's ok stan.. Really Its ok" I whisper to him.  
Stan looked up at me with his tearfilled eyes.  
"Its not going to be the same." He said.

Wow. they must have been really close.  
Stan looks so sad.. he's making me want to cry.

I Hugged Stan and he cried into my shoulder.  
I rubbed his back "Shh.. Its ok. Its alright dude." I comforted him.  
We did this for about 20 minneutes. Then he finnaly pulled away  
and wiped away his tears. I held onto his shoulders,  
Ive never seen him like this in my whole life.  
he looks.. ah! I cant explain it! It just hurts looking at him.

Stan sniffled then reached under his bed and grabbed a box.  
He opened it and There were piles of letters inside.  
"Woah dude! are those all from you grandma?"  
"Most of them"He said looking down saddly into the box.  
Then he started digging through the letters and picked one out.

"This is the last one I got from her." He said.  
He looked up and made alittle smile "I told her about you."  
Stan slowly opened the letter and read it aloud.

"Dear Stanly" He began, wipping away more tears  
"Its great to hear how my grandson has been doing.  
And good to hear about your grades. I am proud of you.  
Remember, good grades lead to a good education.." Stan put down The letter  
and sobbed alittle more, then started to read again.  
"And about your homosexuality, Stanly dont be mad at yourself.  
Love is a beautiful thing, and noone can tell you who you can and cannot be attracted too."  
He sniffled.  
"This new boyfriend of yours sounds like a good fellow.  
I'd like to meet him.  
And from what you've told me he sounds like an honest and loyal, Caring  
man, and someone you deserve."

My heart went cold.

"If your happy I'm happy.  
Write me again soon, I have to go, Your grandfather needs me in the backyard.  
I love you. Grandma."

He put down the letter and stared at it.  
Then put his head down.

I feel.. I feel so bad.  
Her last words were about what a caring and honest boyfriend I was..  
I'm not a good loyal boyfriend.  
I'm not even close.  
I wish I was but I'm not.

I hug Stan closely.  
Seeing Stan cry like this..  
I just cant take it.  
I cant break up with him right now.  
How can I break up with someone whos crying like this..?  
I mean.. I love him too.  
God.. I hate myself.

* * *

Hope you liked it :)  
I got so mad.  
I wrote this whole chapter yesterday,  
and right when I was about to press save  
I got disconnected from the internet.  
I was soo pissed.  
I could have posted this yesterday and be on the next chapter,  
but I had to re write it all over again.  
lol Anyway, REVIEW :D


	31. Chapter 31 Death and lies

I was scarred to leave Stan alone that night.  
I was afraid he might try to hurt himself or something.  
I know That seems like something Stan would never do but seeing him like this,  
I'm not so sure.

I think ever sense I've seen what Cartman was doing to himself  
I've got more cautious about things like that.  
I put my arm around Stan as he cried.  
Cartman was the farthest away from my mind.  
I know he's going to get mad, but I just cant leave Stan like this.

"Be right back" I told Stan and quickly Left and came back with his phone in my hand.  
I dialed my number.  
"Broflovski residence" My Dad answered.  
"Hey Dad, Is mom there?"  
"Um, yeah sure, one sec Kyle"  
Dad put the phone on hold then my mom picked up

"hello?"  
"Hey ma"  
"Oh, hey Kyle, How's Stan doing?"  
"Not so good.. Ma, I think I'm going to stay over here tonight."  
"What? No Kyle."  
"What?! Why?!"  
"Your not Staying over at your boyfriends Kyle."  
"Ma, We wont do anything I swear to god! Stan is going through a really hard time right now  
and I have to be here."  
"Kyle, I just don't feel comfortable with you staying over night with someone your dating."  
"Ma, I have too! His Grandma just died and he's in really bad shape."  
My mom paused. "I don't know Kyle.."  
"Ma Please! Please understand, I cant leave him like this"  
She sighed. "Alright. But put his mother on the phone,  
His parents have to keep a good eye on you two."  
I smiled. "Thanks mom"  
"Kyle, If you do anything..sexual, You will not go over there again. kissing is fine.  
anything beyound that You are forbidden to do. Do you understand?"  
I roll my eyes  
"Yeah. I do. I just really have to be here."  
"Ok. Put Sharon on."  
I went downstairs and handed the phone to Stan's mom.  
"My mom wants to talk to you. About if I can Stay over tonight."  
She toke the phone, "Hello Sheila," She answered.

I ran upstairs into Stan's room and hugged him.  
"Don't worry. Everything will be ok"

* * *

Me and Stan Sat in his bedroom on the floor, We had blankets Under us, that I had set up.  
Weve been sitting here for hours. I talking Stan through how everything would be alright.  
But he still looked miserable.

20 minneutes later Stan looked up at me.  
"I'm so lucky to have a guy like you" He said.  
I said nothing.  
**_No your not_** I thought to myself.

"How did I get so lucky?" he gave me a small smile.  
I faked one. Inside I felt so much guilt roaming around.

"You're the best boyfriend a guy could ask for" He said and he hugged me  
"I don't know what I would do If I ever lost you too"  
I slowly wraped my arms around him, and hugged him back.

Oh my god. The guilt I had felt just became so much stronger.  
Stan hugged me alittle longer, Then pulled away,  
"Thanks for doing all this for me. You know it really means a lot."  
Stan gave me a small smile, "You know how much I love you right?"

My heart went ice cold..  
He wouldn't if You knew the truth.  
He shouldn't love me.  
He should fucking hate me.  
If he knew he would fucking hate me.

Stan is here, pouring his guts out to me being open and honest,  
While I'm going behind his back, lying about everything, Deceiving him and basically betraying him..  
But he doesn't know.  
I don't deserve him to look into my eyes and him to tell me how much he loves me  
when he shouldnt.

Stan starred at me with his teary wide eyes,  
"I love you too" I whispered.  
At least that was the true.  


* * *

I woke up on Stan's floor with my arm under laid on my shoulder.  
He was still sleeping.

I decided not to get up because I didn't want to wake him.  
I looked down at him, He looked so peaceful when he slept.  
This is the first time we've ever slept together.

I've slept with Cartman twice.  
Cartman.. Shit.  
He's probably really pissed off at me That I didn't show up last night.  
I glared at the thought.  
I'll just have to deal with his wining and bitching and get it over with.  
But I don't regret it. Stan needed me a lot more then Cartman did.

I laid there with my thoughts then Stan slowly opened his eyes,  
Looked around and smiled when He saw I was still there, and snuggled into my chest.  
"Morning" He whispered.  
"Hey" I smiled back at him.  
"How you feeling?" I ask him.  
"Better then yesterday. But still shitty" He looks down.  
I rubbed his back.  
"How long have you been awake?" He asked me.  
"About 30 minutes."  
"What time is it?"  
I looked over at his Terrance and Phillip clock  
"11:38"  
"oh."  
We didn't say anything for awhile  
Then I started getting up,

"Come on, lets get you some breakfast." I said getting up.  
Stan looked Drained. He nodded his head no.  
"Yes." I answer and grab hold of his hand lifting him up.  
He slowly came up and gloomily walked downstairs into his sat down at the table,  
and stared down at it.

"What do you want?" I ask opening the refrigerator  
"I'm not hungry" He said not looking up from the table.  
I frowned, "Well your eating something."  
I take out a milk Carton and a Pan and decide to make French toast.  
His favorite.  
Stan looked like he was the living dead.  
He starred at the table with his eyes half shut.

I made the breakfast in silence then Put a plate of French toast in front of Stan.  
Stan looked at it, then looked away.  
I sat next to him. "You have to eat something."  
"I will. Just not right now." He said.  
I sighed.

Stan always told me,  
if he didn't eat breakfast he would start to feel sick.  
He always ate breakfast.

"How late were we up last night?" He asked me.  
"I don't know.. About till three or four probably."  
Stan starred down at the table again.  
"Hey I have an idea, Lets go down to Starks pond, We always have fun there" I smile,  
hoping that would cheer him up.

"No It's ok." He said.  
"Ok.. Well lets go over and throw some rocks at cars, Like we used too"  
Stan picked up a fork and twirled it slowly in circles.  
"No." He said.  
I put my hand on his back. "Well come on, Lets do something."  
"Kyle.. I really don't want too.  
I think I need to be alone for awhile. I'm glad you were here all last night,  
But I think I just need some time to think."

A pang in my chest just hit me.  
He wanted me to leave?  
Ouch.  
I felt a little hurt but then again,  
Maybe he really does just need to be alone for awhile.  
I gave him a tiny smile. "Ok" I said.  
I got up from the chair, kissed him on the cheek and left his house,  
I hope he'll be Ok.

* * *

I didn't walk home.  
I walked passed my house and was walking up to Cartman's house.  
I know he's going to be mad.  
But I just want to get it over with.

I cant tell him I was over night with Stan, He will freak out.  
I kept thinking of excuses of why I wasn't there yesterday night.  
I decided to go with the excuse I had to go to a dentist appointment My mom forgot to tell me about.  
I know he's going to ask why I didn't just call so I'm going to say My mom's cell phone didn't work.  
I practiced The explanation over and over in my head to get it right.  
I know Cartman can tell when I'm lying so I have to make sure It sounds convincing.

I knocked on His door and no one answered.  
I knocked again, and again then Cartman opened the door.  
His face went Raw when he realized it was me.  
"Where the fuck were you last night?"  
I let myself in his house and turned to face him,  
"Sorry I had a dentist appointment My mom forgot to tell me about,  
and I didn't call because her cell phone didn't work."

Cartman frowned and crossed his arms.  
"That's funny because I called your house yesterday and Your mom said you  
were sleeping over at Stan's."

My heart jumped  
FUCK!

"Oh.." I start to say.

What the fuck am I suppose to say to That?!  
Cartman sneered with his arms still crossed and tapped his foot.

I sighed.  
"Ok. Cartman Your right, I was at Stan's yesterday night."  
Cartman's face darkened and he looked madder then he was a few seconds ago.  
I really don't want to be here right now.  
"But It's not what you think! We didn't do anything! I swear on my fucking life!"

Cartman said nothing, Just gazed at me with hateful turning eyes.  
"I am not lying to you. We really didn't do anything!  
His Grandma just died and I just felt really, really bad so I stayed over there."

Cartman looked more and more angry by the second, but remained silent.  
"Cartman, All I did was try and make him feel better. Ok?That's it.  
Nothing beyond that."

Cartman gazed. "You were suppose to be with me last night." He said Calmly.  
"I know, and I'm sorry. He just looked really depressed."  
"So You'd rather see him then me?"  
"No! he was just really, really down."  
"Oh, so he bitches about life a little bit, so you drop your plans with me and ditch me for him?!"  
"Dude! His grandma just died!"  
"Oh Bo-hoo his Grandma just died, Oh no!what a pussy.. Life goes on"

I frown.  
I cant believe he's saying these things.  
He is such a fucking asshole!

I clench my teeth,  
"Sometimes I wonder how I could ever like an uncaring asshole like you"I shove him.  
Cartman frowns "Sometimes I wonder how I could ever like over emotional Jew like you" He shoves me back Harder.  
"Fuck you!" I push him again  
"you did!" He pushes so hard I fell to the ground and crashed onto my elbow.  
I think he bruised it.  
"AH!" I throw my hands in the air  
"I fucking hate you!" I yell.  
Cartman smirked "No you don't."  
"Yes I do!"  
"Then leave. The doors right there." He points to the doorway.  
I look at the door.. I cant.  
Cartman stares at me pointing at the door.  
He knows I wont go.

Usually I refuse to let him win.  
But this time I'm giving in.I'm not going through what I went through when we "broke up"  
That was the worst experience of my life.

I get up from the ground,  
I frowned, got onto his couch and crossed arms.  
Cartman smiled with satisfaction. "Exactly."

He down next to me.  
"You didn't do anything.." he said.  
"No. we Really, really didn't."  
Cartman sighed, then put his hand to his chin starring into space  
Then looked at me,  
"Ok. But you are never, ever sleeping over there, ever again."  
I smiled.I wasn't 100% sure that would be true but at least luckily Cartman believes me.  
I mean, Me and Stan really didn't do anything. All we did was I hugged him and kissed him on the cheek.  
"Ok" I said.

Cartman nodded his head and turned on the Tv.

Now that that parts over with..  
I toke a breath  
"Also, It might take a little longer for me to break up with him."

Cartman turned to me angrily  
"Why the fuck? Why?!"  
Great. He's pissed at me twice in one day. Fantastic.  
"Because His Grandma just died."  
"I don't care!"  
"I know you don't." I frown."But I do!"  
"why?!"  
"What do you mean why? She died!When someone in your family close  
to you dies the last thing you want is for someone to break up with you,  
He's going through a hard enough time as it is."

Cartman clenched his fists and closed his eyes.  
"Well when the hell are you going to break up with him finally!?"  
"I will but just not right now."  
"God damn it kahl! I'm so fucking sick of all this waiting!  
I want you to myself! Just break up with him already!Christ!" He yells.  
I sighed,  
"I will Ok. I will, Just calm down."  
"Fuck that! I'm pissed"  
"I can see that" I thought funnily. Cartman didn't laugh.  
Just made him more ticked.

I try so fucking hard to resist it,  
but The corner of my mouth slowly curved up.  
"WHAT?!" Cartman yelled.  
"What?" I asked calmly  
"Why the fuck are you smiling?!" He points his finger in my face.  
The other corner of my mouth went up and I let out a small laugh  
I'm trying hard to force it in.

"I'm not..*hah. Laughing" I cover my mouth.  
"Yes you are! Wipe that fucking smirk off your face!" He rages.  
I couldn't keep it in any longer I burst out laughing!

"This isn't fucking funny!" He screams.  
"Yes It is" I laugh  
"No it's not!"I cover my moth again and hold it in,  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I say.  
Trying to be serious, and force my lips down and keep my laughter inside.  
"hah." I bluffed,  
Then I started laughing again."Damn it kahl what?!"

I'm laughing so hard I have to hold my stomach, It hurts  
"Look in the mirror!"  
I fall to the floor still laughing.  
Cartman angrily marches over to a mirror.  
Frowning into it.  
A few seconds later lets out a small laugh.  
I was still laughing hysterically.  
Its just so funny how angry he gets in a short period of time,  
Over something so small.  
Cartman walks up to me, now smiling.  
"Oh" He said.  
We both started to laugh again.

Cartman leans over and kisses me on the lips.  
" I love your laugh" He says  
"I hate yours."  
Cartman frowns "Aye!"  
"Just kidding. Just kidding.. Yours too"  
I chuckle.  
Then we start kissing again.

I know Its sad but I keep thinking about Stan..  
about Is he Ok?  
Why Stan on my mind when I'm kissing Cartman?

* * *

YAAAY!  
ANOTHER CHAPTER DONE!  
Hope you liked it :D  
I love you reviwers !!


	32. Chapter 32 occuring Drama

**AUTHORS NOTE..  
**  
Ok, usually I write a message from me at the end of the chapter but I think Its better if I write this one at the beggining,  
To Warn you.. At the Last line of this chapter there is : **STRONG SEXUAL CONTENT.**  
If your not into that, I suggest you skip that part.  
Just a warning.. now You know why I switched the rating from TEEN to MATURE.  
Anyways.. hope you enjoy :)  
Thank you reviewers!

p.s- To reviewer Sumoko-chan,  
I added your Nersery ryem to the story!  
Read and you'll see which part I put, I got from you. :)

* * *

Stan looked alot worse the next day at school.  
His hair was messed up, sticking out of his hat and he  
was usually looking down at the ground.  
When he talked me mumbled, and he looked worse then I thought.  
"Stan you have to eat something" I begged him as we sat at our table at lunch.  
Stan starred down at the table. "I'm just not hungry."  
"Your always saying that, Now here" I picked up a sandwhich from his trey  
that I got him myself. He said he didnt want to eat but I got him a trey anyway.  
I held the sandwhich up to his mouth. "Eat" I said  
Said slowly looked up to the sandwhich and nooded no.  
"Yes! Bite" I said  
"Merp merh meph" (I'll eat it) kenny volenteered.  
"Yeah. give it to kenny." Stan said waving it away, still not looking up at the table.  
"No." I frowned, "Eat it." I held it closer to his mouth.  
Stan rolled his eyes and toke a small bite out of the sandwhich,  
Then waved it away. "Stan- - " I began to say  
"If the deppressed bolimic doesnt want to eat dont make him" Cartman said.  
I scowled at him, then turned back to Stan.  
"Stan, your mom called me this morning asking me to make sure you eat something so eat!"  
Stan didnt say anything.  
"ughh" I roll my eyes.  
"Merph mer merph mer?" (Can I have it?)  
Stan nooded and Kenny toke the sandwhich from his trey and started eating it.  
"Stan, eventually your going to have to stop doing this to yourself!" I said  
"I'm not doing anything, I'm just not hungry." He put his head to his hand.  
"This is crazy." I stand up from the table, go get a bottle of water and come back.  
"Here" I slam the bottle down infront of him. "If your not going to eat atleast drink something!"  
Stan frowned at the bottle. "Kyle, Serriously just leave it be ok? Stop trying to make me do stuff I dont wanna do."  
"Yeah Kahl." Cartman mocked.  
I glare at Cartman, I know Cartman just wants the worse for stan sense he hates him.  
And the worst for him right now is not eating anything.  
"Whatever." I say and give up.  
Kenny finished the sandwhich and opened a juice box he brought from home.  
"Moh.. merphing merphingming mappen miph mo and marphmen mahme?"  
"Damn it kenny take off that fucking hood! your pissing me off!" Cartman sneered.  
Kenny glared and toke his hood down.  
"Its warm." he frowns at him.  
"Its cold at my house."  
Cartman laughed, "Yeah beacuse your family is to fucking poor you cant even afford heating in your house!"  
Kenny tightened his fists "Do you know how much that shit costs?"  
"A fortune to your family!" Cartman laughed.  
Kenny gave him an evil look.  
"Cartman, quit it" I frowned at him.  
"What?" He questioned  
"Just stop. Ok?"  
Cartman rolled his eyes, "Whatever dude."  
Ive realized sense me and cartman got "together" he seems to agree with me more then he used too..  
well actually not agree with me, he's still an asshole, but as hard as it is to believe he acctually listens to  
me more often. I like it.

"Soo.." Kenny looked at me and Cartman  
"Anything interesting happen with you and cartman lately?" Kenny raised his eyebrow.  
Cartman spit out his milk, I widdened my eyes.  
WHAT THE FUCK KENNY!?!  
WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU ASK THAT INFRONT OF STAN YOU ASSHOLE!

"Uhh, no. nothhing. why?" I spat, trying my best not to sound angry at him.  
"Oh.." he shrugged "nothing" he said and glanced at Cartman then Stan.  
Luckily Stan wasent really paying attention.  
He seemed more tunned into the table then our conversation.  
I had a huge urge to kick Kenny hard.  
Cartman was giving him a mean look too.

Fuck telling Kenny. I thought.  
He probably would tell Stan, or it would slip or something.

* * *

After school me and Cartman were planning to meet eachother at his house.  
We were suppose to watch Gladiators, and His mom was gone again.  
Where the fuck does she always go?  
Shes always gone.

I was looking forward to this, but sense I saw Stan today I was less phyced.  
Maybe I should just go over there and see how he's doing. I thought to myself.  
That seemed like a better idea.

I picked up the phone and dialed Cartman's number.  
RIIIING.  
"What?" Cartman picked up the phone.  
"Hey, Um Can we meet up later instead of 5 minneutes."  
Cartman was silent. Then spoke,  
"why?"  
"I just have to go with my brother to his stupid jew scout meeting."  
I'm acctually getting better at this whole lying thing.  
I mean, sense I'm doing it alot more often.  
It was the perfect excuse beacuse Ike really did have a parent to leader scout meeting  
today and Cartman knew it.  
But I really didnt have to go.  
Theres no way in hell I'm telling him about going to see stan.  
"Why do you have to go?"  
"My mom's makeing me."  
Pause.  
"Your mom's a bitch." Cartman sneered.  
"Cartman, dont fucking start" I warn.  
"just saying."  
"Whatever. asshole."  
Cartman laughed. "So when are you getting back?"  
"I was thinking we could meet at 5:30?"  
"ughh.." Cartman groaned annoied.  
"Fine." me mumbled.  
"Ok great see you then."  
"bye" he said back  
and we hung up the phone.

* * *

I toke the long way to Stan's house.  
I didnt want to risk walking by Cartman's and him seeing me.  
It was a long fucking walk.  
I sighed. I hate going this way.  
I finnaly got to Stan's house and knocked on the door.  
His mom answered,  
"Hi. Can I see Stan?"  
She sighed. "He said he didnt want to see anyone, but I think he needs too.  
Yes go up to his room." She welcomed me in.  
"Thanks" I smile at her and go up to his room.  
I opened his door and Stan laying on his bed looking at a photo album.  
Stan looked up at me and didnt say anything.  
He looked back at the pictures and flipped the page.  
"Hey dude" I said kindly.  
"Hi" He glumed under his breath.  
I laid next to him on his bed and looked at the album,  
It was pictures of his family.  
Stan pointed to a picture, Which about it said 'MARSH FAMILY REUNION'  
Stan was in the picture with a bunch of people, some I reconize, some I didnt.  
Stan was in an old lady's lap smiling up at the camara.  
"She got me my first bike at the reunion" Stan said not looking up from the picture.  
"Her and Grandpa saved up alot of money for it." he said.  
He flipped a few pages.  
Then stopped and looked at a picture with the same lady in it and it looked like it  
was a party, a birthday party, They had party hats and a cake infront of stan.  
"It was my 7th birthday, She gave me 300 bucks. I never got that much money"  
"Why wasent I there?" I ask.  
"I think you were sick that day"  
"I was?"  
"Yeah remeber, after you got better we went to chucky cheese and called  
it my make-up for being sick birthday?" Stan looked at me and gave me a small smile.  
I thought back, "Oh yeah! I remember that! I had a bad flu, I couldnt dtop throwing up"  
I smiled back at the thought.  
Stan gave me another tiny smile and turned back to the photo album flipping the page.  
He looked down to another picture with the lady, I guess his Grandma and His Grandpa I'm guesing  
and in the backround was a lake.  
"Grandpa was the first to ever take me fishing. Ive always wanted to but my dad isnt much of a fisher.  
Grandma didnt go beacuse she was scarred of water."  
"Your grandma was scarred of water?"  
"well kind of.. I mean oceans and stuff, She had a bad expierence when she was young."  
"oh."  
Stan shut the album and laid back onto his bed.  
I laid down next to him.  
"It's funny.. I never even thought about them dying.  
And now that it happened.. wow."  
Stan starred up at the ceiling.  
"The worst part is my Grandpa,  
He's starting to drink again. Bad.  
I dont think he can handle her death.  
I really want to see him, be close to him before he passes away too  
but my Dad wont let me. He says he's at a bad state of mind right now  
and it would be a bad infleunce if I saw him."  
He said still starring up at the ceiling.

"jesus.. Stan, I'm sorry." I look at him.  
Stan acted as if I said nothing. I wounder if he even heard me.  
I inched myself closer to him, moving my hand up and down his arm comforting him.  
Stan didnt move.  
I laid there for a long time, in silence while Stan laid there.  
Then It entered my mind.. Cartman.  
I looked at the clock and it was 5:53.  
I got up from his bed, "Listen Stan I have to go but I'll drop by later." I said.  
"Uh huh" Said Stan not looking away from the ceiling.  
I felt so bad.  
"I love you" I said and kissed his cheek.  
"You too" he said glumly.  
And I left his room.  
God, this is so fucked up.

* * *

As I began walking over to Cartman's house I stopped myself.  
I turned around and walked to other way.  
I'm paying kenny a visit for that shit he did today.  
I got angry just thinking about what he did at lunch today.  
My anger rissen the closer I got to that asshole's house.  
I was getting near his house.. God I fucking hate walking in this part of town.  
It's crappy looking, It smells bad, and with the kind of people around this area  
I'm afraid I might get shot.  
I quickened my pace as I thought about it.  
So many people got shot and robbed in this part of southpark.  
Thats why noone like me, who likes being alive and safe goes nowhere near the part of town.  
I hurried up, and Quickly went on kenny's doorstep and pounded on the door.  
Kenny answered. "Asshole." I frowned at him.  
"Meph?" (What?) Kenny asked me confussed.  
"I pushed him and stepped into his house slamming the door and pointed my finger in his face  
"If you ever pull that shit you said at lunch today I'm going to get so fucking pissed" I said.  
Kenny grinned and toke off his hood, "So it is true."  
He nooded "I knew it"  
"Kenny, I'm fucking serrious, If you do that again I am serriously not your friend anymore"  
Kenny put his hands infront of him "Woah, woah, calm down. I wont Ok?"  
"You better" I warned, Heading for his door.  
"Beacuse your a cheater, cheater pumpkin eater.." Kenny said quietly under his breath.  
"WHat did you say?!" I turn back to him scowling.  
"Nothing" he smiled.  
"What?! You think I like doing this? Huh? You think I like it!  
I'll tell you somthing kenny, I fucking hate it! I want this to fucking end!  
I'm trying to figger out which Is best for me and your no fucking help going around  
saying shit like that!" I stab my finger into his chest.  
Kenny grinned, unaffected.  
"Is this fucking funny to you?" I greed.  
"alittle" he says.  
"Well its not. Ok? Its not." I frown at him.  
Kenny shrugs.  
I tilt my head, "How did you find out anyway?"  
"I dunno. Your brother."  
"My brother?"  
"Yeah, He asked if you were messin around and I said I dunno."  
"When the fuck did my brother say that?"  
Kenny shrugged. "I dunno. I was callin you a few nights ago and He asked."  
That son of a bitch.  
I march angerily out of his house.  
What's his problem?!  
I fucking hate my brother!  
He's going to get it and tightened my fists.  
Kenny's old as hell clock caught the corner of my eye.  
6:42 PM

FUCK!  


* * *

I rush over to Cartman's gasping for breath.  
He's going to get so pissed at me.  
I kept running, even though I'm out of breath and My throat feels like  
someone poured cleaning spray into it.  
I rushed, and finnaly got to Cartmans and knocked on the door.  
Cartman opened the door, frowning  
"What the fuck! You shoulda been here hours ago!" He yelled.  
I was trying to catch my breath. I couldnt even talk.  
"The.." I breathed harder, then caught up to it.  
"The meeting toke longer then I expected." I managed to say.  
Cartman rolled his eyes and let me in.  
"I started it without you" He said.  
"Can you start it over?" I ask getting onto his couch  
"No." He said pressing play.  
Asshole.  
"Come on, start it over!"  
"You should have been here a long ass time ago" Cartman consented.  
"Its not my fault my fucking brothers meeting was longer then usal."  
Cartman glared. "Were not starting it over." He said.  
I rolled my eyes. Fucking asshole.

* * *

5 minneutes later, i'm still mad at him.  
When cartman put his arm around me and I shrugged it off.  
He did it again and I shrugged it again.  
"What?!" He frowned.  
I glared at him and focased on the Tv.  
Cartman sighed, Then smiled sweetly at me "Come on, dont be like that" He said  
moving his finger slowly up and down to my chest to my stomach.  
I pushed him away.  
Cartman grinned, He liked a challange.  
He put his arm around to my side and pulled me closer to him, and rested his head on my shoulder,  
"I love yooou" he smiled up at me.  
"Stop" I frowned, Pushing him back,  
But that just made Cartman hold onto me tighter, forcing me closer.  
"You know you cant stay mad at me" he said moving his finger down from my stomach, and circuling around  
my cock, "Dont be mad" He whispered softly.. I feel myself getting hard.  
Why does he always fucking do that?!  
I'm not letting him win.  
"Fuck off" I frown, but I'm not pushing him away.  
Cartman's finger is still circuling and presses harder into the front of my jeans  
"I'll fuck you" he smiles evily at me.  
Oh god.. I have a full on boner now.  
Damn it!  
Fucking Cartman!  
He always does this when I'm mad at him!  
"I'm serrious" I say still frowning.

_**Dont give in.. Dont give in.**_ I tell myself.

"I am too" he grins wider,  
He looks down, My boner is obvious now.  
Fuck! He won!  
curse my fucking hormons! GOD DAMN It!  
Cartman smiles with satisfaction, and slowly reaches down into my jeans,  
He pauses, testing to see if I'll push him away.  
I'm frowning but I dont push him away.  
Then he continues, Grabs hold of my dick and starts massaging it,  
Then leans in whispering close to me, I can feel his warm breath on my face as he speaks  
"You know I love you" he whispers deviously,  
I try to hold it in.. I try.. I'm trying,  
DAMN IT I CANT!  
My voice lets out a tiny moan and Cartman's smiled bigger.  
"I.. I fucking.. ahh.. I fucking.. hate you"  
He laughs, "No you dont" he whispers then puts his lips to mine, and slips his tounge in my mouth.  
I cant hold back anymore.  
he won.  
And I have to admitt.. right now, I want him bad.  
So I'll let him win this time.  
I grab hold of him and let it continue


	33. Chapter 33 Suspiciouns

Who the fuck does he think he is?  
Going around telling people about my personal life.  
Just beacuse he's my brother doesnt give him the fucking right.

I Marched into Ike's bed room, He was playing a video game but I ripped the  
wires out from the Tv.  
Ike frowned "WHAT the hell?!" He damanded  
I walk over to him and held him up by thre front of his shirt.  
"Dont you ever, talk to my fucking friends about me ever again!"  
I pushed him down to the floor,  
Ike began to cry.. Fantsatic.  
"Shh!" I hiss at him  
"But Ike, do you understand me?! what goes on between me and my boyfriends  
in none of your bueisness, so stay out of it" I Gleered and slamed the door behind me.  
I could hear Ike start to cry outside his door.. I started to feel bad.  
Then I shrugged the feeling away,  
Let the bastard feel bad. Kenny should have never found out.

* * *

A few minneutes later I was working on my homework and my mom bardged in.  
"Kyle, Why did you make your little brother cry?!"  
I turn around and see Ike in my mom's arms.  
I roll my eyes, he's such a baby.  
"Tell Ike not tov talk to my friends anymore"  
"Why bubbala whats happened?"  
"What happened was that I- - "  
I stopped myself.  
I cant tell my mom about this!

"My friend is mad at me beacuse of him" I lied and crossed my arms.  
Ike looked at me and frowned, "No" He looked at my mom.  
"Ike stop lying" I spat back at him.  
Ike looked litteraly raged at me.  
"Ike, That is bad. You cant go around telling lies about kyle to his friends"  
"But ma it wasent a- - "  
She set him down "In your room Ike."  
"But- - "  
"Now!"  
Ike gave me one finnal glare then headed off to his room.  
I smiled to myself when my mom left.  
Serves him right.

* * *

It didnt seem like Stan was getting any better.  
Luckily he didnt seem like he was getting worse either.  
He still hasent been eating, changing and showering for days now.  
I sighed to myself. Poor Stan.  
I have to get him out of this deppressing black hole he sunk himself into.

We sat down at our regular table.  
Kenny didnt greet me and Stan as we sat down.. I'm guesing it had something  
to do with when I stopped by his house yesterday and screamed at him.  
I held an apple out to Stan. "Just eat this.. Please" I said to Stan.  
Stan frowned, "Not today Kyle. I'm not in the mood."  
"Well you have to eat something!"  
"Gah!" Stan throws his hands in the air "You sound just like my mom!  
Why are you so obbsessed with me eating!"  
I frowned back at him "Sense you stopped! Did you know you can die if you go for even  
a few days without eating."  
Stan rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to die."  
"How do you know that?"  
"I just do. alright?!" He yelled in my face, picked up his trey and stormed off.  
Jesus.  
What just happened?

"Someone's having a bad day.." Cartman muttered, Starring at his sandwhich.  
I rolled my eyes, "Yeah well you would too if someone close to you had just died."  
I said defending him.. for what reason, I dont know.  
Cartman scowled, "Dude, people die all the time, he needs to stop being a little wuss and  
Just deal with it." He toke a bite out of his sandwhich.  
I shoke my head.  
Unbelieveable.

I look him straight in the eye.  
"Cartman.. Somtimes I wounder What I ever see in you"  
Cartman looked somewhat hurt at the comment, then focased on kenny.  
"Dont worry about him, he knows." I said frowning.  
I got up from the table, dumped my tray and headed out for the hallways.  
I really want to find Stan.  
I walked to his locker, Wasent there.  
I checked around the cafeteria, Not there.  
Bathrooms.. not there.  
"Stan?" I ask calling around.  
I open the door to the locker rooms, and found Stan laying on the bench in between the small lockers.  
I sat next to him and sighed. He starred up at the ceiling.  
"I'm Sorry" I said. Though now that I think about it, I still dont think I have much to be sorry about.  
Stan sat up from the bench.  
"Yeah me too.. I guess I just overreacted" He said.  
I smiled and put my hand to his, He smiled back up on me, Then his face dropped.  
"There it is again"  
"There's what?"  
He touched my neck, "That red spot."  
HE DID IT AGAIN?!  
GOD DAMN IT!

I slowly got up from the bench and went over to the mirror.  
Yep. another red spot. this one looked bigger then the last one.  
Ughh.. I guess I got it from Cartman last night.  
Then a thought entered my mind.  
Is Cartman doing this on purpose?

I nervously walked back to stan and sat next to him.  
"Damn masssager."  
"Again?"  
"Yeah, I guess so."  
Stan crossed his arms and raised his eyebrow,  
"Massager huh?" He asked me suspiciously.  
WHat?! DOES HE THINK I'M LYING?!

Come on kyle.. Your much better at this now.  
BE CONVINCING I told myself.

"Yeah. that things sucks. I'm not using it again."  
Stans face never fazed.  
"Uhh.. so, Want to come over to my house later, to work on the history project?" I found myself saying.  
Despreate to get out of that akward silence on "Neck massagers"  
Stan.. oh god My stomach felt like it flipped and burned.  
I dont think he believed me.  
Maybe I'm not as good as a liar as I thought I was becomeing.  
Stan smiled, "Sure" he said.  
I toke out a breagth of relief.  
Or Maybe, Its just me being parinoid, I added.

* * *

I was watching out the window, waiting for Stan to come over.  
I felt Ike's eyes burning in the back of my head.  
I knew he was watching me from the couch.  
Probably still pissed that I freaked out on him.  
Ugh, whatever. Screw Ike.

I saw Stan looking down, slowly walking up our street to my house.  
I smiled as I saw him comming.. Stan however looked the exact opposite.  
I opened the door as he was walking up to it.  
He smiled when he saw me open it "Hey, didnt know you waiting" he said.  
I smiled back at him. "I was. Come in" I say, Stan smiles at lets himself in.  
He doesnt Look as bad as he did earlier at school.  
Maybe this whole event of his grandma's death is warring off a bit, I smiled.

Stan walked up to my room and we Started working on a pentogoyn, creating it with Paper clips and  
pieces of wood. I felt like I had My old boyfriend back.  
He was talking happily like he used too, He wasent so.. down.  
I feel like he's back.  
Me and Stan were now just talking about The new gladiators 3 movie is comming out soon,  
and were planning to go see it.  
I laughed, "Hey Can You get me the sizors? their in my desk drawer at the bottem."  
I said to Stan glueing one end of a stick to another.  
"Ok." Stan smiled and went over on the other side of my bed, Reached for my drawer then stopped.  
Why did he stop?  
He just paused looking down.  
What's wrong with him?

"Stan?" I ask him.  
Stan grabs somthing and holds it infront of me.  
"Whos are these?" He sneers,  
I back up to see what it was.. It was boxers.  
Tootsie roll boxers. FUCK.  
I guess Cartman left them here the night he slept over.  
"Oh, Um those are mine." I say.  
Stan raised his eyebrow "You dont even wear boxers, you wear briefs"  
My heart thumped louder  
"Yeah.. uh, well I wanted to try something new, You know?" I say.  
Stan kept his angered gaze and up the boxers infront of him.  
"A bit to big, dont yout think?" He asked me.  
I frowned at him and felt myself beggining to shake.  
"What the fuck is that suppose to mean?!"  
Stan's frown smeared away, He sadly looked from me to the boxers.  
"I dont know." He said putting his hands in his pocket.  
"Sorry" He said and suddenly hugging me,  
I've just been under alot of stress lately."

I can see that.

* * *

** Stan's P.o.v**

_Dear Stupid notebook.  
Its Stan Marsh again.  
My parents are makeing me see a therapist sense My grandma  
recently passed away and she suggested I started making a diary.  
It sounds pathetic and lame but noone will read this anyway.  
P.s Shelly If your reading this, I have a picture of you and your sick weirdo  
friend Practicing kissing, and if I find out your reading this further, I' m showing mom and dad.  
Anyways, Nothing seems the same anymore.  
School, Family, Boyfriends.  
Kyle is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  
When I found out I was gay I thought I was the only one, Then when Kyle came out it was a like a gift from god,  
Kyle's the first person Ive ever really been attracted too.  
But lately it just seems.. weirder then It used to be.  
I dont know, Maybe Its just me. But i keep getting the feeling he's hidding something from me.  
Actually now that I think about it, I know Kyle would never do that. we've been friends forver,  
But I'm pretty sure I've seen Hickeys on kyles neck and a pair of boxers in his room tucked under his bed.  
Kyle hates boxers. He likes breifs.  
But kyle would never cheat on me. Would he?  
No he wouldnt. He couldnt._

_

* * *

_

You may have noticed this chapter isnt as good as the others,  
Sorry. I really did want to finish it for you guys though.  
I have alot on my mind right now..  
But I'm going to try to improve on the next chapter.  
Thanks for reading. :)  
ii heart you reviewers!


	34. Chapter 34 Truth beholds

**Cartman's P.O.V**

_Me and kyle Were back in the lunch room.  
Kyle starred at me with with his gruding eyes.  
"Sometime's I wounder what I see in you cartman,  
Sometimes I wounder what I see in you Cartman,  
Sometimes I, See in you Cartman, Cartman.. Cartman.."  
Then I flew out of the lunchroom, everything is turning back  
"Noo!" I scream as I'm falling away from the table  
But i keep flying higher and higher till I drop to the hard floor  
with Blackness all around me I looked around me and saw nothing  
but darkness, then a Ball of light shown ahead of me.  
I followed the light and Saw Kyle and Stan in the light,  
Kyle's holding his hand and kissing Stan  
"I love you stan" Kyle whispers to him  
"I love you too kyle"  
Kyle turns to me "I'll never love you Cartman!" He laughs at me  
"Yeah!" Stan turned to me and started pointing and laughing with him  
as I laid on the cold ground of sheer darkness.  
They were laughing and pointing at me.  
"I never saw anything in you Cartman, Never saw anything in you cartman,  
In you Cartman.."_

"AHHHHH!" I felt myself being thrown somewhere I look around, Im breathing hard.  
I keep looking, where am I? where the fuck am I?!  
I keep looking around, Then I realized I was in my room.. sitting in my bed.  
Fucking dream.  
I frowned at myself and toke a deep breath.  
Christ.  
I angerly get out of bed and walk downstairs into the kitchen.  
Maybe eating somthing will calm my fucking nerves down.  
I looked in the fridge and grabed a coke,  
"Poopsikins? Is that you?" I hear my mom upstairs  
I roll my eyes. I cant believe that bitch still calls that.  
"Yeah mom" I yell annoied.  
"Alright. what are you doing?"  
Ugh! enough with her fucking questions!  
"Nothing!" I scream back.

I flip open the Can and sit on the couch turning on the Tv.  
Sucky chanel, Click  
That sucks too  
Fuck! are there any good chanels on this god damn tv?!  
I switch it to a terrance and phillop episode,  
I used to be obbsessed with this show when I was younger.  
"Hey terrance I believe I have to fart" Pilliop said from the tv.  
"Oh really? well let me have a look" Terrance Put his face next to his ass,  
And he farted. "AHAHAHAHAHA!" they laughed.  
I groaned. WHat did I like so much about this stupid show anyway?  
I started thinking about that stupid dream. I got angry just thinking about it.  
Stupid stan.  
Stupid FUCKING stan.  
I want to fucking kill him!  
Hes always in the way of everything!  
He was always Kyle's best friend, they've always been together,  
Then Kyle comes out he's gay, like me.  
Great right, but no fucking Stan loser Marsh has to WALCE on in and Take him away  
From me again! I felt somthing wet in my hand, I looked up and noticed just now that I was  
squeezing My can. It dumped all over the fucking place.  
"Ugh." I put it down.  
I want to rip his fucking balls off.  
I hate him so much.  
I clench my teeth thinking about him.  
Him and his stupid coat and his stupid blue hate with that stupid fucking puff ball.  
I want him to die!

I felt so much anger I was tightening my fists, clutching them so hard they were shakeing.  
How could Kyle like that goody two shoes?!  
I am so much better then he is!  
hes never going to break up with that fucking loser!  
But Stan had to be a baby and go complaning about how bad his  
life is, Bo ho.  
people die, Your not the only one you fucking prick.  
Well, Stan is not going to get away with THIS too.  
I wont let him.  
I March off the couch, get a notebook and pen and write on it,

_Kyle is cheating on you  
-unknown_

and Rip the page out and go out the door.  
Huffing my way to that assholes house.  
If kyles not going to tell him,  
I will.

* * *

Stan's been acting kind of weird today,  
He keeps glancing around.. and whenever I try to talk  
to him, I dont think he's listening.. It looks like he's thinking really hard about something.  
I let it slide though.  
It's probably something about his Grandma.

"hey Kenny" I smile as me and Stan walk bu him in the hallway  
Kenny smiles "Merph" (Hi) and keeps walking.  
I think kenny let go of the whole me comming over to his house and yelling  
at him.  
When Kenny started walking away, Stan looked behind him, watching him walk  
around the corner.  
"You and Kenny hang out lately?" He asked me.  
"Uh, Not really. Why?"  
"Just woundering" He said.

That's an odd question  
What is he thinking about?

"Hey assholes" Cartman walked up to us.  
"Hey" I smiled trying to act normal.  
As if nothing happened last night.  
"So um Hey Kahl, I was thinkin you could come over after school for..something"  
Cartman looks at Stan.  
Why the fuck would he ask me like that?!  
WHy is he looking at stan like that?!  
"Uh, No I cant sorry Cartman."  
Cartman's still looking at stan.  
Stan looks somewhat.. angry.  
What's going on here?  
"I CANT! WHY?"  
I ask him loudly to interupt whatever was going around I dont know about.

Cartman looks at me "Oh, Ok cool." He said, then gives Stan one last look.  
And walks away.

What the hell was that all about?  
fuck.. Stan doesnt know.. does he?  
I frown at Stan  
"What the fuck was that all about?"  
Stan crosses his arms and glares at me.  
"I'm going to find out." He sneers.

FUCK! He knows! He has too!  
CHRIST! My heart was thumping out of my chest  
I try to keep the shocked look off my face I was so dspreate  
to make. "Uh, what aere you taking about?" I ask  
Stan pauses.  
"Kyle.." he begins.  
Then stops.  
His face dropped the look, "If theres something you want to talk to me about  
I want you to say it right now" He demanded

My chest was going to explode.. I'm pretty sure I'm shakeing.  
"I honstly have no Idea what your talking about" I frown.  
Stan's angered look fazzed away.  
"Ok." He said quietly and we started walking to our next class.

_**Stan knows somthing,**_ I thought fearfully.

* * *

I rushed to the lunch room.  
I never run to Lunch but I wanted to get there before Stan did.  
I hurried, dropped my books, picked them back up and kept running.  
One thing I knew, Cartman was always one of the first one's to lunch.  
I kept running, Slammed the books on our table, Kenny was sitting there  
with his paper bag lunch looking confussed as I ran to the lunch line.  
I ran there, and started searching for Cartman.  
I have to find him. I have too!  
I circulate around the lines and I dont see Him, I search up and down, Then  
he finnaly caught my eye.  
He had already gotten his trey and has grabbing Pizza.  
I hurried up behind him  
"Cartman" I say behind him.  
He jumped alittle at the sound of my voice,  
Then turned around, still grabbing food.  
"Yeah?"  
I frown "Did you say something to Stan?"  
I swear I saw a smirk accross his face but I didnt get a good look.  
"No."  
"Then why are you guys acting all weird around eachother?!"  
Cartman picked up his tray and entered his code at the end of the line and started walking  
towards the table. "I dont know, You ask him jew."  
I stopped walking.  
Maybe he really didnt know why.  
But I'm getting a gut feeling he does, And usualy that gut feeling is right.

* * *

**Stan's POV**

"- - and I dont know what else to do." I explained pacing around  
My therapist's office.  
Mrs. Galligan Started writting something down in small pad of paper,  
"I mean, and on top of all that, I think my boyfriend's cheating on me."  
"Oh really?" Mrs. Galligan takes off her glasses  
"And why do you think that stanly?"  
"I dont know.. I keep getting these feelings.  
Like, I keep seeing red spots on his neck that I'm pretty sure might  
be hickeys, but he keeps telling me their neck massagers, then.."  
"Stanly Have a seat" Mrs. Galligan advised me.  
I slowly walk to the seat accross from her.  
She sighed. "Neck massagers?"  
"yeah."  
Mrs. Galligan closed her eyes,  
"Stanly, I hate to tell you this,  
But neck massagers cannot give you red marks."

I felt a lump in my throat.  
"But what if It presses too hard."  
"Even if it presses too hard you cant get a perminent mark on the area."  
I looked down and started to tears feel comming in.  
_I knew it.._  
I couldnt force the tears in,  
"But.. but he wouldnt do that to me!  
He.. He couldnt have!"  
Mrs. Galligan gives me a sad smile, "Well maybe its something else." She comforts  
I look down and wipe my tears "No, Its not."

Could this really be true?  
Would he really do this to me?!

"Stanly.. tell me how your feeling right now."  
ugh. "I'm feeling fucking upset what does it look like?!"  
I blurt out.  
I realized what I just said, and sat back. "I'm sorry" I say looking down again.  
"Stan Its Ok.. You can talk about it" She tells me.  
I sniffle.  
"I found boxers in his room.. he doesnt wear boxers"  
I Choke on my words and let out a wimper and put my head in my hands  
"Oh my god" I mumble, chokeing on the gasps in my thoat from tears.  
Mrs. Galligan touches my arm.  
"Dont forget the possibility, maybe this is a misunderstanding."  
Damn therapists. Always looking on the bright side.  
Cant she see there is no fucking good side to this?!

I wiped more tears of my face and toke deep breaths.  
"I found a note on my door this morning." I tell her.  
"It said, Your boyfriend is cheating on you."  
"Did they leave a name?"

Is she really that stupid?  
"No."

I starred at the ground.. just the thought of someone kissing kyle..  
someone else holding kyle.. UGHH  
I start to cry again.  
Damn it I'm so fucking emotinal! how couldnt I have seen this before!  
I cry into my hands.  
Mrs. Galligan got up from her seat and hugged me.  
At first I felt weird, Acting like she knows me and all that,  
But then at that moment, I really did need a hug.

How could kyle fucking do this to me?

* * *

little short but I hope you liked it :)  
Write more tomorow!  
Love you reviewers!


	35. Chapter 35 Tears and Betrayal

"- - Alright 'll be over there in a few minneutes" I tell Cartman on the phone.  
"Kay. Hurry your jew ass up the show is almost starting"  
"I will."  
"Uhkay. bye."  
"Love you"  
"love you too" he mumbles.  
I smile, He's always shy about saying that,  
Its acctually kind of cute.

I grab my pencil and write down the last few sentances of my homework then I'm  
Heading off to Cartman's.

_RIIING._  
I pick up the phone.  
"hello?"  
"Kyle?" I heard Stan's voice.  
"Oh, um hey Stan"  
"Can I meet you outside?"  
"Acctually No I cant right now"  
"Why? you meeting someone?"  
"No.. why?"

"We need to talk" Stan said slowly

Oh god.. **_why does his voice sound like that?!_**  
I felt like someone sucked up all my air and all was left was  
this pit in my stomach.

"Uh.." I studder  
"What about?" I ask

Oh fuck.. he knows.  
I knew this would happen..  
I dont think I can breathe.

"I think you know what I'm talking about, Kyle."  
I panicked, I started pacing around my room  
I could hear my heart beating through my ears.  
**THIS CANT BE HAPPENING!!**

"I dont know what your talking about" I lie.  
"I think you do" Stan's voice got aggresive.  
"No I dont." I lie again.  
"you can stop lying to me."  
"I'm not lying to you."  
I heard stan let out a frustrated sigh.

"Look, meet me in the alley"  
"The alley behind the school?"  
"yeah"  
"um... ok."  
Stan hung up.

I froze.  
I couldnt move.  
This cant really be happening.  
Oh my god.

_BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP_  
The phone beeped in my ear  
I hung up the phone.

I slowly sat on the bed and put my head in my hands.  
My face got hot.. Hot tears streamed down my face.

"This cant be happening" I sobbed

* * *

I walked towards Stan in the Alley,  
He stod there waiting a few feet away from me.  
His arms were crossed and he looked angry.  
The closer I get to him, the more I realize this is not a dream.

I didnt even bother calling Cartman telling him I wont be comming over.  
I didnt care about that.  
I dont care about anything right now except for this.  
I heart paced faster and my face felt cold from washing it off  
from my tears before I left.

I finnaly get up to Stan.  
We stod there starring at eachother.  
He stares at me with Angry eyes but says nothing.  
_I deserve whatever he tells me,_ I thought to myself.  
We didnt say a word.  
We just starred at eachother.  
Then Stan finnaly spoke

"Kyle, Let me ask you a question."  
I nooded.  
"Were you cheating on me?"  
I know now I should tell him the truth.  
But.. I couldnt get myself to do it.  
I look into his sad sorrow eyes and I cant  
addmitt to him I betrayed him.

"No I didnt." I answer.  
Stan is still frowning with his arms crossed.  
"I think you did. I think you know you did, and your not telling me."  
My chest burned  
"I'm not and was never cheating on you.  
I have no fucking idea what your talking about." I lie.

Stan remained with his arm's crossed and a harsh, painful  
look on his face.  
"You cant get red marks from neck massagers." He said plainly.  
**_I know.  
_**"Yes you can" I lied.  
Stan sighed.  
"No Kyle, You cant."

I felt like someone stuck a sharp needle through my chest.

"Yes you can, It's an old one. and its so fucking crappy  
That it does leave marks."  
Stan's look didnt change  
"Someone told me they cant"  
I frown, "Well maybe that someone is wrong!"

Stan's frustrated looked, Soffened a bit.  
"What about the boxers in your room?"  
Stan asked quietly then he was before.  
I sighed, "I told you, I wanted to try something new."  
Stan looked down.  
He was silent.

My heart thumps as I wait for him to say his next word.  
Maybe I should have told him the truth..  
I looked sadly to the ground.  
I Cant.

Stan reached inside his pocket and grabbed a folded piece of paper.  
He opened it.  
"I found this on my door this morning."  
He handed it to me.  
I opened it

_kyle is cheating on you  
-unknown_

I stared down at the paper.  
Son of a bitch.  
Who wrote this?!  
Oh fuck..

"Stan.." I started to say.

**_NOW! TELL HIM! HE DESERVES THE TRUTH!  
HE DESERVES TO KNOW WHAT AN AWFUL PERSON I AM!_**

My consious told me.  
"I.." I start to say.  
I grasp for words.  
I feel tears begging to roar down my face.  
But i refuse to cry.

**_TELL HIM!_**

I studder,  
I look at Stan, My first boyfriend.  
My first real boyfriend,  
The one I had loved it seemed like forever.  
The one who trusted me, Cared for me, Loved me.  
how am I suppose to look him in the eye and tell him  
What I had done?

I cant do it.

"I dont know who did this.. but it's not true." I said.  
Stan looked down to the ground.  
Neither of us spoke.  
We spent a minneute of me stareing at Stan who looked to the ground.  
Stan's eyes begin to water.  
"I..I knew you couldnt have done it."  
A tear rolled down his face.  
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" He cried into his hands.

I walked up and hugged him, Stan cried in my arms.  
A pang of relief went through my stomach, But then was replaced with guilt.  
I should have told him.. I should have told him.

* * *

Me and Stan spent about an hour in the medow,  
A medow that was right next to the alley.  
We laid in the weeds, But we didnt care.  
Stan was holding me in his arms, He wasent crying as bad as he was before  
But He still sobbed quietly.  
I sadly held onto him.  
I regreat lying to him.  
I know I should have told him the truth.  
Stan's the most wounderful guy Ive ever met in my life,  
He atleast deserves it.  
Stan held onto me tighter, looking up at the sky.  
"I'm sorry I thought you cheated."

I looked to the side.  
**_You shouldnt be._**

"I should have known you would never do that to me.  
I guess, so many things came up and I just had this feeling."  
I felt like I heart was bleeding, Like it was ripped open.  
and blood was pouring down into my stomach and It burned.

"Its Ok" I managed to say.  
He held me and we looked up at the sky,  
for about three more hours.

I thought about it long and hard in silence.  
I have to tell him.  
Right now.  
This isnt right, It will hurt him,  
But It would hurt him even more if he knew  
I had a chance to tell him before but I continued lying.  
I didnt want too.. But I know its the right thing to do.  
"Stan.. I have to tell you something."  
I sighed,  
"God this is hard to say.." I grumble.  
Everything inside told me not to tell him but I know I have too.  
**_I cant do this anymore._**

"But.. You were right." I close my eyes,  
Waiting for him to say _'about what?'  
_My body stod stiff still, I knew I have to tell him.

He didnt answer.  
"Stan?" I looked down at him,  
and he was fast asleep in my arms.  
I sighed.  
_**I should have told him.**_  


* * *

The next Day, I for once in a long time,  
Waited for Stan to come out to walk to the bus stop.  
It never occered to me what I'm suppose to tell Cartman about  
not being at his house yesterday.  
It didnt care.

Stan smiled when He saw me waiting for him.  
I smiled back.  
He ran outiside and up to me,  
He kissed me on the cheek, and I blushed.  
We walked to the bus stop.  
When Cartman looked our way, he looked shocked,  
almost angry I think.  
Cartman crossed his arms.  
"Hey Kenny, Hey Cartman" Stan smiled at them.  
I gave a nervous smile to Cartman, Who scowled at me in return.  
He cant be mad at me for walking with Stan.  
He knows I have to pretend to be dateing Stan for awhile longer.

Why the fuck didnt you say it yesterday?!  
I thought angry at myself.

Cartman looked at Stan and rolled his eyes.  
"What?" Stan asked him confuessed.  
"Nothing." He mumbles quietly.

Stan then turned to me,  
"Oh hey, I didnt take notes in our first class.  
I didnt know we had too. can I borrow some of yours?"  
"Our teacher said we had to use our own notes only."  
"I know but pleeease? for your boyfriend?" He waved his eyelashes at me.  
I quickly looked at cartman who had fury in his eyes.  
Stan can never tell, beacuse he's to gullible,  
But I can tell when Cartman's pissed off..and thats the look he's giving us right now.

I looked at Stan and laughed nervously,  
"uh, Ok" I said quickly  
"Thanks" Stan smiled and kissed me on the cheek.  
I noticed from the corner of my eye, Cartman tighten his fists.  
I hate doing this in front of him.

Kenny looked From Cartman to Stan grinning.  
He knew exactly what is going on.  
Then It hit me..  
Kenny was the only one who knows about me and Cartman.  
..He must have wrote that note.

I clutched onto my hands, hidding the anger I now felt looking at him.  
That bastard.  
It was him.  
He had to have done it.  
**_I'm going to fucking kill him.

* * *

_**

I have given Kenny evil looks every chance I got,  
I wanted him to know I was pissed.  
Not like he noticed.  
Wait till I tell Cartman, He's going to get so pissed.  
Acctually judgeing by his look he already looks pretty mad over something.  
probably just in a bad mood, I decided.

Kenny is in my forth Class.

* * *

In history, was talking about slavery and the underground  
railroad. As if I haddent heard this about a thosand times before.  
I quietly rip out a piece of paper from my notebook, and write on my lap.  
Carefully so Mr. Thompsan doesnt see me. He's not as oblivious as my other teachers.  
I take out a pen

_Your going to fucking die  
-k_

I folded the paper and handed it behind me to Kevin Ryner.  
"Can you pass this to Kenny?" I whisper.  
Kevin raised his eyebrow, "Why? Is he your new lover?"  
I clenched my teeth, and frown "WHAT?" I greed  
"You know, sense your a fag and all is he your new lover?"  
I Develop a ball of rage inside my stomach  
"YOU--" I begin to say, probably a bit to loudly.  
Then I heard someone infront of me.

"Is there a promblem here?"  
I turn and everyone else  
was looking at me.  
"Uh.. no" I answer.  
"Mind telling me whats going on?" He asked.  
"He was trying to pass me a note and I said No, Mr. Thompson doesnt allow note  
passing in the classroom but he kept asking." Kevin gestured towards me.  
**That son of a bitch.** LIAR!

"I DID NOT SAY THAT!" I yell at Kevin,  
"He's lying!" I say to Mr. Thompson.  
Mr. Thompsan holds out his hand, "Let me see the note kyle."  
I froze.

"What?"  
"The note, hand it over to me."  
Damn it.  
I slowly hand the note over to .  
He opened it  
"Your going to fucking die." He read aloud.  
I sunk in my chair,  
looking around at everyone who was now stareing at me.

frowned.  
He Slowly Folded the note and looked at me.  
"Kyle broflovski this is not appropriate behavior.  
Now who were you going to pass this too?"  
"Nobody!" I quickly answer  
"He was going to pass it to Kenny Mcormick" I heard Kevin behind me.  
I held onto my desk.  
I fucking hate Kevin.

I looked at kenny who looked hurt and confussed.  
"Meph?" (me?) he asked.  
He looked at me.

**_Look at him acting all inocent.  
He knows what he did  
_** I thought harshly.

"Kyle, I'm sending you to after school detention,  
I have to addmit you are one of my smartest students,  
and I am very dissapointed in your actions." He said.  
I looked down at my desk.  
"Moving along" said walking back up to the chalk board  
"Can anyone tell me What year harriet tubmen was born?"

* * *

I grumbled off to lunch after history,  
I knew Kenny was following me.  
I pretended I didnt notice,  
"mph" (hey) Kenny slowly, walking next to me  
Kenny toke off his hood.  
"Why were you gunna pass that note to me?"  
I rolled my eyes,  
"You know what you did" I said Harshly and still walking.  
"huh?"  
I stopped walking.

Kenny would just pretend he didnt know what I was talking about.

"That note! That fucking note you left on Stan's door yesterday!"  
"What note?" Kenny looked at me confused.  
I frowned  
"You know exactly what I'm talking about"  
"No I dont! what note!" He asked me.  
"UGGHHH!" I sighed loudly,  
"Well if your going to act like you dont know anything, fine.  
But dont even talk to me!"  
I said stalking off.  
Leaving kenny Standing there.  
I quickly looked back at him when I turned at the corner.  
He looked shocked and confused.  
I glared, He can pretend all he wants.  
We both know what he did._

* * *

_Hope you liked it!  
I think that one was my best one yet!  
WOOOPIEE! :D  
thank you reviewers!  
You guys are the best a writer could have.  
If one of you left I'd be so sad. :(  
haha.  
I'll write the next chapter now.


	36. Chapter 36 Forgiveness

I walked to our lunch table with my tray of food.  
I was hopeing to get to talk to Cartman alone before  
Stan comes, to explain why I wasent there yesterday But  
Stan was sitting there.  
Cartman was glaring at him annoied.  
While Stan was looking off to the side.

Damn it.

I guess I'll have to talk to him later.  
I sat down next to Stan and Stan smiled at me.  
Cartman frowned.  
Now I know he's pissed at me for sure.  
That explains why He was starring out the window  
In our whole secould class.

I dont blame him.  
I would probably get mad at someone  
who says their comming over and they dont.  
Stan looked around "Hey, Wheres Kenny?"  
**_Who cares.  
_**I shrugged.  
Cartman looked down at his food.  
I was relieved to See Stan is finnaly eating again.  
Cartman didnt speak at all the whole lunch piriod.  
He was deffinently angry.  
I have to talk to him.  
The bell rang, for lunch to be over and Cartman quickly got up, dumped his tray and walked  
out of the cafiteria.  
Me and Stan dumped our lunches.  
Usually me and Stan hang out by one of our lockers after lunch till next piriod  
but I have to find Cartman.  
"Listen, I have to get something real quick, so be right back." I tell Stan  
"What do you have to get?"  
"Uh.. I left my binder in my history class."  
"I'll come with you."  
"No, Its Ok, I dont want you to be late for your next class."  
Stan raised his eyebrow, then shrugged. "Kay."  
and I walked off.

I walked to Cartman's locker, Yup. He's there.  
He caught me walking up to him and rolled his eyes.  
Ugh. here it goes.  
_Please dont bitch at me,_ I thought to myself.  
I walk up to him "Hey" I smile.  
Cartman said nothing.  
"Sorry I wasent there yesterday- -"  
"You were with Stan?" He interupted me.  
I looked down at my shoes, "Sort of."  
Cartman crossed his arms. "Uh huh."  
"But listen, Its only beacuse Kenny wrote a note on Stan's door that told him  
I was cheating on him."  
Cartman froze,  
"Kenny wrote the note?"  
"Yeah he wrote a note on stan's door yesterday,"  
He gances around nervously  
Whats his promblem?  
" Oh, hah, Good." Cartman shrugs  
"good?"  
"Yeah. The asshole finnaly knows.  
so why are you still with him?" he sneered.

I felt burning pain in my chest.  
_**Why am I still with him?**_

"I dont know.. I told him it wasent true"

Cartman slammed his locker shut.  
So loud some people in the hallways turned to look at what it was.  
"WHY?!" He yelled,  
My heart pounced, I stepped back alittle.  
"I.. I dont know."  
"ughh.."Cartman put his two fingers to his forhead and closed his eyes looking  
downward.

A few secounds later,  
"You should have told him" Cartman said with his eyes remained shut.  
"I know."  
Cartman started walking away, I followed him.  
"So what, Your with him now?"  
"NO!" I spat back.  
"Well obviously you dont want to give him up."  
Cartman fastened his pace.  
"I will, I will, Just.. Just stop walking!" I stod infront of him.  
Cartman glared to the side.

I cant let this happen again.  
I cant be without him,  
Last time It was hell without him.  
I love him..  
I really, Really do.

I toke his shoulders and headed out of the public eye.  
I dragged him around the corner, and into the men's locker room.  
Noone goes in here at lunch.  
"I love YOU." I whisper  
Cartman glanced around, Probably worried someone would come in.  
"Not stan." I say.  
Cartman is hard to read.

Damn it!  
I wish I knew what he was thinking!

I leaned in and kissed him on the lips,  
At first he resisted then he kissed me back.  
I pulled away,  
"Noone can kiss like you do" I whisper

Cartman grins alittle, Then he  
Grabs onto My arms, Holds them up agenst the wall and Kisses me again,  
Pinning me to the wall.

If theres one thing I'm sure of,  
Cartman is deffinently a hotter love maker then Stan.

Stan.. I start feeling bad at the thought of him.  
**_I'm doing it again._** I thought to myself.

Cartman looked at me, "Whats wrong?" He asked.  
"Oh, nothing" I said and focussed more on kissing cartman  
Then thinking of Stan.. **Stan.  
**That sad look on Stan's face yesterday when He first believed I cheated.  
Thats what he really thinks of me, I thought.  
And he should.

* * *

Detention Sucked ass.  
All you did was sit in a chair for about an hour.  
Bored of of your fucking mind.  
I rolled a pencil down towards me, then blew it back up.  
The pencil came back down and I blew it back up.

Its nice to know Cartman's outside the room waiting for my detention  
to be over.  
He's got to be bored too.

I looked around, about six other kids were in here too.  
I reconized four of them.  
Craig is in here.  
Wounder what he did.  
David Benson is in here too.  
A kid who wore all black with a mohawk and spikes braclets  
and belts was in here, and some other kids.  
Mostly the "Bad kids" of the school.

Mrs. Saunders was sitting infront of the room reading some book.  
God, I'm so fucking bored.  
I laid my head down on the desk,  
"Kyle no sleeping!" I heard Mrs. Saunders call to me.  
I lifted my head back up.  
Ugh this is sooo boring.

20 minneutes later it **FINNALY **ended!  
When I got up from my desk I felt light headed and My foot was asleep.  
I rushed out of that room, and smiled at Cartman, walking up to him.  
He was sitting in the hallway outside the room.

He got up from the floor, and swung his backpack on his back.  
"Jesus fucking christ, toke you forever!" He grumbled.  
I smiled, I just realized something else good about Cartman.  
He has a mean streak.  
Stan on the other hand.. He's too nice.  
Sure I'm a straight A student who usualy stays out of trouble  
but hey, Opposites attract.  
It oddly turns me on.

"Your house?" Cartman asked.  
"Fuck no, my mom's there"  
"Oh yeah. dont want to be around that bitch."  
"Damn it Cartman! My mom's not a bitch!"  
Cartman laughs.  
"WHAT?!" I scream at him.  
"And you say I get mad easily" he says.  
asshole.  
but now that I think about it, He's right.  
I always laugh at him when He gets mad quickly.  
"My house then." Cartman declarred.

* * *

"So really, Where does your mom always go?"  
I ask him sitting on his bed.  
"Why?"  
"Just woundering. She's always gone."  
Cartman looks down, "Its nothing  
you need to worry about" he says  
"I know, But I want to know"  
"Curiousity killed the cat"  
"So what your going to kill me if you tell me?"  
Cartman grinned "Maybe"  
I blushed.. for what reason, I dont know.

"But serriously," I said.  
"She's a dancer."  
"A dancer? I never knew she could dance."  
"She can"  
"Where does he dance at?"  
Cartman looked down, and moved his toe around his floor.  
"A Bar" he mumbled.

**_Shes a pole dancer?_**

"Oh.." I answer quietly.  
I wish I could take the question back.  
"I'm sorry"  
"For what?" he asked.  
"I dont know.. asking?"  
He sighed, "No big deal. forget it" He said.  
And uncomfortable silence flew over us.

"Want something to eat?" Cartman asked.

* * *

After we ate, We watched Tv in Cartman's Mom's room.  
And ended up.. yes, Makeing out again.  
I dont know what it is about him that makes him so irrisistable.  
Having a strong guy of top of you, taking full advantage, and kissing you softly  
and hard.. It just gets me.

A knock came on the door  
"Go away!" Cartman yelled  
And started kissing me again,  
**_KNOCK, KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!_**

"I said go away!"  
Cartman yelled again,  
**_KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!  
_**  
I sighed. "Just get the fucking door."  
Cartman mumbled something under his breath irritated and Went downstairs.  
I remained in his bed.

I wrapped myself in his blankets, enjoying the warmth.  
This is where he sleeps, I smiled.  
This is where I slept, our first time.  
I smiled feeling a tingily feeling in my stomach just thinking about it.

"What are you doing here?" I heard Cartman downstairs,  
I got up and peeked through the stairway,  
STAN IS HERE!!  
WHAT THE HELL!  
I quickly run to Cartman's bathroom, knocking stuff down looking through cabnits  
looking for a brush.

Come on, come on, find a brush, find a brush!  
If Stan see's my hair like this.. He'll know somethings up.  
I cant just put my hat back on, My hair will stick out.  
Come on, come on! find a brush, Find a.. YES!

I got a brush and start ripping through my hair.  
Come on, Brush through it!  
"- - Not here" I heard Cartman say downstairs,  
I quietly peek down the stairway,  
"Well his mom said he was here."  
"Well he's not."  
Stan crossed his arms and raised his eyebrow,  
"Why is your hair messed up like that?"  
Cartman flinched,  
Then said, "I just got out of bed."  
"at 6:30?"  
"Yeah."  
Stan's face darkened  
"I bet Kyle is here." He said.  
"Dude, he's not." Cartman spat back.  
"Let me look." Stan gestured to come inside  
Cartman frowned, "No asshole, you cant just come and walce around  
my house."  
Stan sighed, "If you got nothing to hide then why does it matter?"  
"It matters beacuse I dont want you walking around my house"  
"Just let me in" Stan tries to get through,  
Cartman holds his hand out.  
"Dude, let me through, I just wanna check."  
Cartman rolled his eyes and let him through.

IS HE CRAZY?! STAN"S GOING TO FIND ME!  
I start looking around, silently running,  
Oh no, oh no, oh no!  
I cant find anywhere! I have to hide!  
No, no, no, no!  
I cant hide there, there, there or there,  
I heard footsteps comming up the stairs,  
WHERE THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO GO?!  
ahhhh!!!!

I dive under Cartman's bed, two secounds later, Stan walks in,  
I can tell by his shoes. Cartman's following Carefully behind him.  
I gulp and hold my breath.  
_Please dont find me.. please dont find me.._  
"Done yet?" I heard Cartman's voice above me.  
Stan didnt answer.  
I saw his footprints walk to the other side of the bed, with Cartman  
following behind him, Then Stan walked closer to me.  
I starred at his feet.  
_Please..please dont look down. please._

I heard Stan sigh.  
"Fine." He said and I watched his feet leave the room.  
"I told you, Asshole" I heard Cartman following him.  
I heard their footsteps walking down the steps.  
I breathed and dropped my head to the floor relived.  
I hear Cartman's door Slam and I get out from under the bed.

I heard Cartman comming up the stairs.  
"Where were you?"  
I point under the bed.  
Cartman grinned, and stepped closer to me,  
I always knew you were a sneaky jew"  
I smiled and he kissed me.  
He slowly leaned over kissing me, until we fell back onto his bed,  
and he got his hands inside my shirt, rubbing my back getting me closer to him.  
I put my fingers through his hair, and placed my hands on his neck..

Even though it feels, unbelievable.  
I mean with Cartman,  
Him being my one and only crush when I first found out  
I was gay.. It doesnt feel right.

* * *

Hope you liked the CHAPTERR :D  
I love you reviewers!


	37. Chapter 37 Final Premonitions

I ended up sleeping at Cartman's that night.  
I realized this when I opened my eyes,  
I was laying under Cartman's Arm, With his other arm ontop of me.  
I grinned when I saw his face, And seeing him sleeping peacefully.  
Finnaly, One night when I dont wake up and he's gone.  
Sunlight shined throughout his window.

I grinned to myself feeling butterflys,  
This is the most comfortable morning I've ever woken up too.  
I smiled and snuggled myself back into his chest.  
5 minneutes later I feel myself being forefully ripped from my comfortable sleep,  
and slamed onto the hard floor.  
My side ached.  
"Cartman what the hell?!" I screamed at him  
I got up, and toke down the blankets that flew over my body when I fell.  
I saw Cartman standing over me, with a phone in his hand holding it out to me.  
"Call your mom!" He yells at me.  
My eyes widdened.. My mom!  
"What time Is it?" I ask slowly.  
"11:30"  
FUCK!

I rip the phone out of Cartman's hand and dial my number.  
My mom answers immediatly.  
"Hi mom" I say slowly,  
Expecting her yelling and screaming to occer right about now.  
"Kyle broflovski where are you?!"  
She screams so loud I had to hold the phone alittle away from my ear.  
"I'm sorry Ma, I uh, I stayed at Cartman's for the night."  
"It's a school night! and why didnt you call!? Me and your father were worried sick,  
I ought to ground you, No I out to - -" I put the phone down.  
I can still hear her yelling something wth the phone held away from me  
Cartman smiled Slyly.  
"Your moms a bitch dude."  
I frowned and flipped him off.  
He laughed.

I put the phone to my ear but shes still talking, so I put it back down.  
Christ, she doesnt even know I'm not listening.  
Cartman slowly walked up to me, and smiled evily.  
Oh no.. What is he thinking?

His grin remained.  
"What would your mom do if she knew what I do to you?"  
He rolls his finger slowly down my arm  
"She would kill me, you, then herself." I answer.  
He laughs, "I'll take my chances." He says in that devious voice.  
The one that always makes my hormons go crazy, and he knows it does.  
He toke my waist and levels it with mine and softly kisses me.  
I can still hear my Mom on the phone still talking.  
I thought to myself, Cartmans right, What would she do if she saw us right now?  
She knows I'm gay..  
I think she's warming up the idea of me being in a relashionship with Stan.  
But she trusts him.  
If she knew I was with Eric Cartman..  
God I cant even immagine it.  
She hates his guts.  
I released the kiss, "Dude what time is it?"  
"Cartman looks over at his digital watch.  
" 7:03" He answers  
"Shit! Were 10 minneutes from school, I run to his room  
to grab my clothes.  
I heard Cartman sigh. "just skip school" He called to me.  
"No way dude, I cant skip a day of school, my grades are aready slipping!  
And if you think the way my mom's bitching now, shes alot worse if I skipped."  
"Oh, By the way, I think your bitch mom stopped talking," Cartman called.  
"What?!" I quickly run out of the room with no shirt on and pick up the phone  
"- - Kyle, are you even listening to me?!" I hear my mom say when I picked it up.  
"Yeah mom." I answer.  
"Well We are very dissapointed- - "  
"I know mom, I'm sorry, But look I have to go to school.  
I'll talk to you when I get home" and I hang up the phone.

Cartman was smileing when I turned around.  
"What?" I asked.  
"nothing" he says smirking.  
Ugh, whatever. he's weird.

I go back to Cartman's room and get my shirt, shoes and coat went out the door.  
Cartman followed behind me.

* * *

Luckily I got to school before the bell rang.  
I was so fucking realived.  
When Stan saw me he smiled and started to walk up to  
me. I saw in the corner of my eye Cartman frowning when he  
caught sight of Stan walking towards us.  
"When are you two over?" He whispers to me harshly.  
"Soon" I answer.

I know thats what he would want me to say.  
No, acctually he would want me to say "now" but its not happening.

"Hey Stan" I smile when I gets to us.  
"Hey" he hugged me.  
He turned to Cartman "Hey Cartman" He smiles,  
"Fuck off prick" He grumbles and walks away to his locker.  
Stan frowned "What the fuck is his problem?"  
"Bad day." I answer.  
Stan shrugged and he started to walk with me to my locker.  
"Dude, where were you yesterday? Your mom said you were at Cartman's but  
you werent."  
"Oh, Um I was..um, at kennys"  
Stan raised his eyebrow "Kenny's?"  
"Yeah"  
"Dude, I hung out with Kenny all day yesterday"  
Oh.. uh"

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK FUCK!!  
**WHAT DO I SAY?!?!**

"Oh, Well I was walking over to kenny's to see if he was there."  
"Oh."

I sigh.. I'm saved.

We stopped at my locker and I started twisting in the combonation.  
"Yeah, I thought it would be kind of weird you'd be at Cartmans.."  
I froze putting a book into my locker.  
If he found me, I would have been caught.  
If I doved about two secounds later I would have been caught.  
I cringed thinking about what would have happened.

"You still dont think I would cheat on you do you?"  
I ask, putting the books away in my locker.  
"Of corse not. That was my bad. Your the best boyfriend,  
You'd never want to hurt me so bad."  
A pinch clutched at my heart.  
Why did he have to say it like that?!

The Bell Rang, "I gotta go, See ya in class" Stan waved walking away.  
I faked a smile to him, continueing to grab my books.  
I rolled my eyes, when I caught Cartman watching me behind the corner.  
When He saw me looking at him, he quickly walked away.  
Its like he cant trust me.. Well I guess I can understand that.

* * *

In forth hour, I kept getting notes from Kenny,  
Who of corse passed it with his foot beacuse of what happened last time I  
asked someone.

So far I've gotten these notes from kenny

_wuz goin on? Im so confused_

and

_why r u mad at me? whad i do_

And

_Plz talk to me! y are u mad_

And I toss and threw every one of them in the gardbage, thats close to me.  
He knows exactly what he did.  
And it's pissing me off he wont just addmitt it.

* * *

**Cartman's **

I stare at the back of stan's head.  
I fucking hate him.  
I swear on my fucking life one day I am going  
to beat the shit out of him.  
I cracked my nuckles, still frowning behind him.  
Sucks for me he's in my english class.  
Everytime I have to look at him or hear his stupid annoying voice  
I want to throw a rock at him.  
"- - And Stanly, easy one. a noun is.."  
"Person place or thing" he answers to Mr. Anderson.  
He smiles, "Thats the easy one.. now class"  
Mah, mah, mah mah mah.  
his voice just pisses me off more.

Everytime he holds kyle, or kisses him.  
He's touching my territory.  
I'm going to rip his balls off once and and kyle are together for fucking good..  
I tighten my fists,  
If we are together for good.  
Kyle better break up with that fucking douchebag I'm getting so fucking sick  
of waiting. I'd laugh if Stan just died. The thought of that asshole just dropping  
dead, on the floor, right now, it gives me a warm feeling inside.

I'm so pissed Stan didnt freak out about that note I left on his door.  
I think its fucking halarious Kyle thinks it was kenny.  
That didnt work.  
I'll just have to do something else..

* * *

I fucking hate lunch.  
It's the one time of the day I dread the most going too.  
It's when Me, Stan, Cartman and Kenny are together.  
It's so weird having to be with both Stan and Cartman.  
Luckily I have sepperate classes with all of them.  
If Me, Stan and Cartman had to be in the same class I'd fucking die.

I sat down next to Stan, Cartman glared as always.  
As to be expected.  
I gave him a small smile, In which he iggnored.  
"Hey" Stan grinned at me  
"Hey" I smiled back.  
"Hi!" I heard Kenny infront of me..  
Ughh.  
I looked at him but didnt replie.  
"So hows your day Cartman?"  
I rarely talk to him at lunch, usually Stan,  
Maybe thats why he's always so pissed at school.  
"Fan fucking tastic" said sarcastically moving his fork around the mashed patatoes.  
I waited for him to ask how my day was, But he didnt.  
"Hey kyle can you come over after school today?"  
I knew Cartman wouldnt like this..  
"I cant" I said.  
"Why?"  
"I um.."  
"He has to come over to my house after school,  
Isnt that right Kahl?" I hard Cartman grimace.

**WHAT THE HELL?!**

My eyes went wide and I stomped on his foot.  
"Och!" He yelped.  
"Mph?"(what?)  
"Uh.. I think I um. Ow. Stabbed my foot on something" He said.  
I gave him a pissed off look,  
"Why are you going to Cartman's?" Stan asked suspiciously.  
"I dont know.. Hang out."  
"Hang out huh?" His voice strained.

Ever sense that incodent, His suspiciousness never went away.  
Thats what worrys me.

"Uh, yeah."  
"Well then, I'll come with you." He crosses his arms.

Fuck.  
Stupid Cartman.  
Opening his god damn fucking mouth.  
What did he say that for anyway?!

"You cant" Cartman says  
Stan frowned "And why not?" He asks him  
Cartman returned his frown, "Beacuse- - "  
"You can!" I say cutting Cartman off.  
Stan looks at me and smiles, Then looks at Cartman giving him  
a HA-Ha look.

Cartman's going to blow everything if he keeps talking like that.

* * *

So I guess when he get off the bus  
Me Cartman and beacuse of Cartman and his big mouth, STAN  
is comming with us too.  
This is going to suck so much ass.  
We walked in silence.  
Cartman looks madder then he was at school, and Stan looks the exact opposite.  
Happy and perky. I think that made Cartman even more mad.  
Me? I'm feeling akward.  
This is going to be so weird.  
I have a hard time getting through five minneutes at lunch with all three of us  
together. How am I suppose to get through all three of us hanging out at Cartman's house  
for who knows how long.

* * *

We all sat in Cartman's living room quietly.  
This is **so** akward.  
Noones saying anything.  
Cartman Sat up on the couch with his arms crossed,  
while me and Stan sat on the floor.  
"So.." Stan says breaking the silence.  
"This is hanging out?"  
"Pretty much." Cartman answers not looking at him.  
"Uh.. fun."  
Another moment of silence.

"So.." Stan starts again,  
"What do you want to do?"  
"Nothing" Cartman answers.  
Stan looks akwardly to the floor.  
More moments of silence

"I'll be right back," Cartman says walking into the kitchen.  
Stan leans over to me "This is so weird."  
I know.  
"What do you mean" I acted dumb.  
"Dude, were not even talking or anything, were just sitting here!  
its so.. I dont know, Its so akward"  
I completely agree.  
"I dont think so" I lie.  
Not knowing why I have to lie.. I just feel like I do.

Cartman comes back with a bag of cheesy poofs in his hand.  
Wow, I'm supprissed. He hasent eaten those in forever!  
He's lost so much weight from highschool

Cartman sits On the couch looking forward at the Tv.. And its not on.  
"Well.." Stan stands up  
"Me and Kyle are going to go now. Thanks for having us over Cartman" He says.

You and **ME?!**

"You and Kahl?" he asks, Announcing my name slowly.  
"Yeaah.." Stan answers.

"Umm.. I have to go?" I ask him.  
Stan cocked his head, "Well unless you guys want to still hang out for some..reason."  
The way he said 'Reason' Lets me know I have to go.  
Stan's feeling weird about me staying here.  
and he should beacuse he'd be right.

"uh, Ok lets go" I say getting up.  
Cartman gives me a shocked look.  
I dont want to go, But I have too.  
I shurg My shoulders appologetic when Stan wasent looking.  
and left with him.

* * *

**Stan's P.O.V**

I know were past the issue of the whole,  
Kyle might be cheating on me thing.  
But The feeling never went away.  
I still feel it.  
Even though I know full well kyle wouldnt do something like that.  
WHy am I so untrusting?  
Maybe I have trust issues.. I need to work on that.

But why did kyle rather want to hang out with Cartman then me?  
I mean what the hell?!  
Maybe.. Maybe I'm just being jelous.  
Just beacuse were boyfriends doesnt mean we have to spend every wakeing moment together.  
I shouldnt be so overprotective, and Just let him hang out with his friends.  
Wait a minneute, this is Eric fucking Cartman.  
Kyle and Cartman arent friends!  
Then why is he hanging out with him?  
..weird.

Damn it theres that feeling again!  
Get it together Marsh.  
He's not cheating on you.  
Your just parinoid.  
Your just fucking Parinoid._

* * *

_

**Cartman's P.O.V**

I didnt think saying that shit at lunch would get the asshole to come over.  
I was so mad.  
He had to step in my fucking house.  
I want him nowhere near my house.

And what pisses me off the most is when Stan was leaving he just  
ASSUMED kyle was going with him!  
and guess what?  
**HE DID!**

Completely blew me off and left with his "boyfriend"  
Does he think I'm some kind of joke?  
Kyle just turned into a complete dick!

Kyle is mine.  
Not stans.  
He said so himself.  
and nothing and NOONE is going to get in the way.  
I'm fucking sure of that.

When I went in the kitchen, I went to Kyle's backpack.  
I wrote on a piece of paper,

"Last night was great Kyle,  
I loved fucking you.  
Good thing stan wasent around.  
love you,  
-Cartman"

**HAH!**  
Tomorow I'll zip open his back pack a tiny bit when Stan's around  
just wide enough for the paper to slip out and The asshole will find it.  
Then Kyle is all mine.  
STan can go fuck himself.

I'm going to be laughing so hard when That fucking douchbag finds out  
Kyle cheated on him! This will be the best day of my life.  
I'll be a happy man when Stan finds out Sweet little kyle cheated on him  
**WITH ME!  
**I'm going to rub it in his face so bad!  
I smile thinking about it.  
I close my eyes and immagine

_"Haha Stan, I got your boyfriend!" walking by him in the halls_

_"Well I got to get home early, Me and kahl have some good fucking to do"  
at Stan's locker_

_Me plus kyle kiss and he see's it  
Stan crys'  
_"Ahhh.."  
I sigh happily at my thoughts.

By tomorow kyle,  
You'll finnaly be with me **ONLY.

* * *

**

Wow. Today was one of my good writting days :)  
Hope you liked IT!!  
I did.. Lmao!

I love my reviewers so so sooooo much!  
*BIG HUGS


	38. Chapter 38 broken down

I was eating dinner with my family.  
Ahhh.. it feels so good now that thats over with.  
It was the worst couple minneutes ever having Stan  
over with me and Cartman.  
I feel so bad just leaving though.  
But what else could I do?  
Say, Stan I'm not going with you I'm staying here with Cartman.

Stan's already suspicious enough as it is.  
Thats an obvious red flag.

_KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK_

"I'll get it" I say putting down my fork and heading over to the door.  
I open it.  
And kenny stands there..  
I frown.  
"WHat do you want?"  
"I dunno.. I jus wanted to talk to you."  
I crossed my arms "I'm listening"  
"I have no fucking idea whats goin on.  
why are you mad at me?"

Ugh..  
"I'm mad at you beacuse you put that fucking note on Stan's door!"  
"What note!"  
"That note! Kenny you know what note!"  
"No I dont! I didnt leave a note on Stan's door!"  
"Yes you did Now stop lying!"  
"I'm not lying!"

I slam the door in his face.  
If he doesnt want to addmitt it, fine.

* * *

The next day at School Cartman's been acting really.. weird.  
Usually he watches me alot when I'm around Stan but today,  
We's really watching me. I feel like he's always behind me,  
It's kind of creeping me out.

* * *

After class I gathered my notebooks and folders and started out the door,  
"Kyle?" Stan walked infront of me.  
I jumped, supprissed at the sound of his voice.  
"Oh, hey Stan"  
"Hey, um kyle can I talk to you after you put your stuff in your locker?"  
"Um.. sure. hold on" I say walking to my locker.  
I really dont know what to expect.  
I shut my locker and take a deep breath.

**_Well if he breaks up with me, I deserve it.  
_**I thought to myself.  
My heart is beggining to beat faster..  
I think he's going to do it.

I turn to Stan, and he looks uncomfortably down to the  
ground, thinking of words.

Oh god.. hes going to do it.. he's going to break up with me.  
I felt my eyes ready to burn, but are on hold,  
Patiently waiting for Stan to say what he says...

"Kyle.." he begins.

**Just say it! Say it and get it over with!**

"I just want to say.."

I close my eyes, _He's going to say it._

"That I'm sorry"  
I quickly looked at him,  
**What?!**

"What?" I ask him.  
"For being a jerk.." he continues.  
"You know, For thinking you were cheating on me,  
It was wrong of me kyle."

I look down to the ground.. my heart dropped.  
"I want to make it up to you.  
I know you'd never do that, It should have never crossed my mind."  
He kisses my cheek.  
I shiver went down my spine at the touch of his lips.  
Guilt travels through my whole body

"Oh, uh, its ok" I say.. not knowing what else to say.  
Stan smiles.

If only you knew stan..  
_If only you knew._

I hear something behind me and a piece of paper slowly driffts to the floor  
infront of me.  
Stan looks down puzzled, "Whats that?" He asks,  
"I dont know"  
Stan bents down, picks it up and read the words accross the page.  
"What does it say?" I ask him.

Stan continues to read and gets this Sour expression accross his face.  
He looks at me with glistering eyes, he looks like he's about to cry.  
"What is it?" I ask him again.

Why is he looking at me like that?!

Then Stan's sadden expression was replaced with rage,  
"What is this?!" he squinted his eyes,  
"What the fuck does it look like?! I got the note!"  
"What note?"  
"YOUR FUCKING NOTE!" He throws it to the ground and quickly stalks off.

What the hell?!  
I quickly pick up the note and read the lines,

_Last night was great kyle,  
I loved fucking you.  
good thing Stan wasent around.  
-Cartman_

My hand crumpled the note, I'm shakeing with anger.  
Who the fuck wrote this?!  
Wheres Stan?!

I just noticed now that everyone in the halls is quietly stareing at me.  
"Stan?!" I call down the hallway,  
I start running, I have to find him, I have to find him!  
I keep running, Where the fuck is he?!  
I run, not over here, I'm pacing down the next hallway,  
I have to find him!  
Where could he have gone!?  
If I ran as fast as I did now in gym I'd probably have a much higher grade  
then a c- the only thing in school I'm not good at.

My hearts beating faster, but I keep running,  
I have to find him!  
I have too..

* * *

**Stan's P.O.V**

I'm in my room crying.  
After I read that note that fell out of Kyle's bag,  
I.. I just couldnt be at school anymore anymore.  
So, I guess I just ran out.

I know I'm probably going to get detention or something  
or get bitched at by a few teachers, but I dont care.  
I just knew I had to leave.

Luckily noone was home, So I toke out the seceret key under the matt.  
I cant believe this happened..

_I knew it.  
I knew he was cheating on me._

I kept denieing it,  
I mean, how could kyle do this to me?  
What did I do wrong?  
And with Cartman for christs sake!  
Hah, I think if he would have cheated on me,  
he could do better then him.

I sobbed into my pillow, which was becoming soggy  
sense Ive been crying into for about a half hour now.  
He told me he loved me,  
And I was stupid enough to beileve him.

I sunk my head into my soggy pillow.  
Then I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.  
I groaned and got it out.

_kyle_

My phone rung.  
Kyles calling me.  
Should I answer it?  
I put my finger over to the answer button,  
then I frowned and pressed iggnore.  
I'm not falling for his shit anymore.

* * *

_Come on, come on pick up your phone.._

"Hey this is Stan, I dont have my phone right now, so.."  
I hung up.  
His stupid answering machine again.  
I called again,  
Answering machine.

_damn it._

I called again.

Answering machine.

fuck.

I closed my eyes, I feel them burning,  
Fuck I'm about to cry again.  
I take a deep breath trying to suck it up.  
I cant cry, Not here at school.

Where did that note come from?  
and how the fuck did it come from my bag..  
I sighed deeply, leaning agenst my locker.  
I should have never done this..  
I love stan.  
I sighed again,  
But I love Cartman too.

I take my rage out on my locker and slam it,  
I'm pretty sure I left a dent.  
People in the hallways stop talking and looked at me.  
Fuck them.  
and Fuck my fucking emotions,  
GAH I'm so stuck!  
I cant do this anymore! I cant, I cant I cant!

"Whats wrong?" I hear someone behind me,  
I turn and look.  
Kenny stod there looking at me with sad and sorrow eyes.  
"It was you" I pointed at him  
"huh?"  
"It was you!" I pushed him  
"Your the one who put that note in my bag!"  
Kenny backed up, "I didnt put a note in your bag!" He held his hands  
up, as if he's expecting me to push him again.  
"Yes you did!" I pushed him again harder  
"No I didnt! kyle I dont know what your talking about!" Kenny backed up  
even more, he looks like he's about to run away.

_Stop playing innocent._

"Kenny You've gone too far!" I plan to push him again but  
he's already half way down the hall, running.  
ugh..  
We are not friends anymore.

I take out my phone and text in

_Answer your phone_

and sent it to Stan,  
I wated about two minneutes but got nothing back.

_Can we please talk?!_

sent to Stan.  
about a minneute later,

"New message" my phone lights up  
I press open

_From:Stan_

_No._

I stare at the message.  
I felt like my heart sunk deep into my stomach  
and it was buring there, I kept trying to suck it in,  
But my eyes started getting wattery anyway,  
I couldnt keep them in any longer.

_This is what I get.  
And it's what I deserve._

* * *

**Cartman's P.O.V**

Thank god school's over.  
I dont think I could take any more of that shit.

When the note feel out of kyle's bag,  
a smile crept apon my face When I saw Stan's expression.  
He looked like he was going to cry,  
It was fucking halarious.  
Wasent so funny when I watched Kyle run after him.  
So what if he knows?  
Why does he care so much if he keeps saying he was going  
to break up with him anyways?  
We can finnaly be together now that that butthole's out of the way.  
Later I peeked at kyle and he was at his locker,  
He looked so.. fucking upset.  
I acctually think I felt bad.  
I hate seeing him upset, as much as I hate to addmitt it.

He looked like he was going to burst into tears at any secound or  
something, Then he slamed his fist into his locker.  
I left at that point.. Although I could swear I heard kyle screaming something  
at Kenny when I was going to my class.

_Knock knock knock_

Ugh, make me get off from my couch.  
_Knock knock knock knock_

"I'm comming! jesus christ!" I yell at the door.  
Asshole cant even wait a few secounds.

I open the door and there stod, Stan.  
What the fuck is he doing here?  
I felt a smile crept accross my face, this is going to be interesting.

"Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in"  
I smiled and crossed my arms, leaning agenst the doorway.  
Stan was frowing, hahaha I love seeing him mad.  
It makes my day.

"Cartman, I need to talk to you" His words were cold.  
Not like his words could acctually scare me.

I let him inside my house,  
Stan walked in and turned accross from me,  
"Cartman, was there really something going on between you and kyle?"

I so Badly wanted to yell, 'yes! yes there was! and there is!'  
but.. for some reason I cant.  
I know if I said that and kyle found out he would be pissed  
at me.

I still want to rub it in his face though.  
I smiled, "I'm not suppose to say anything"

Stan's face darkened, Which makes me more excited.  
"Tell me right now! is there something going on between you and Kyle?!"

I kept my grin "I'm sorry, thats classified information"  
"Tell me right now asshole! were you messing with my boyfriend or not?!"  
His voice rissen.

I gave a small laugh. "**Your** boyfriend?" My grin widdened, "Oh Stan, you know so little"  
"Tell me now!" He shoved me,  
"Dont fucking touch me!" I pushed him harder  
"Yeah? what are you gunna do about it?!" He pushed me back  
I'm getting so pissed, I take him by the arms and slam him onto the ground,  
a few secounds go by and Stan's face looks horrified,  
Yes, I smile.  
He shouldnt have done that.  
Stan trys to squirm his way out of my grip but I hold on tighter,  
He cant move.  
"Come on Cartman, let me up. please!"  
I smile bigger, Seeing Stan begging like this,  
ah just brings me so much joy.

I lean closer to him and whisper,  
"Stay the fuck away from **MY** boyfriend"  
I hold up my fist,

_I've been wanting to do this for the longest time._  
I sock him right in the face.

* * *

Yay, done with that chapter,  
Hope you liked it :)  
You reviewers rock


	39. Chapter 39 Blue bruise

I stare at my ceiling.  
I cant sleep.  
I feel like Ive been doing this for hours.  
I look at my digital clock  
"12:54"  
"ughh" I groan.  
Ive been trying to get to sleep for the last two hours  
and It didnt work.  
I keep thinking about what happened today.  
About what happened with Stan, and that fucking note  
god knows how kenny got it in my bag.

I shut my eyes and let out a deep sigh.  
Well, he deserved to know the truth and now  
he does.

I should be happy.. now I can be with Cartman.. right?  
Why arent I happy?  
I feel terrible.  
Mentally and physically.

I put my hands to my face.  
I hate myself.

Stan and Cartman.. compare.

Stan, Is very Carring, and talks about how he's really feeling.  
Thats good,  
Cartman on the other hand does not.  
I start thinking about it,  
But Cartman really does care, He just has a harder time of showing it.  
And I guess thats not a bad thing.  
Maybe Stan is too emotinal. Hell, I'm too emotinal.  
Maybe I need a guy to be strong for me through rough  
times like Cartman.. but it really bugs me when he doesnt tell  
me how he feels.

I blink up at the ceiling.

Cartman and Stan,  
Makeing out with Cartman is alot hotter then with Stan,  
Not like Stan's bad at it or anything,  
Its just Cartman's more into it. Me and him probably had sex twice,  
Me and Stan havent even got to third base.  
But then I remember how Cartman got me drunk and Then probably  
had sex with me taking advantage, Stan would never do that.

Cartman, Stan, Cartman, Stan.  
Cartman's got a bod boy streak, which is a big turn on for me.  
Stan is.. really, really sweet.  
Maybe too sweet? maybe hes too nice?  
Maybe Cartman's too mean?  
I dont know.. I cover my head in my pillow and groan.  
I want this night to be over with!  
I shut my eyes, I'll attempt to fall asleep again, even though  
I know I wont.

* * *

I was so fucking tired when I got to the bus stop.  
I got no fucking sleep last night.  
My eyes are half shut and I have to drag myself over.  
I look up, and Stan's not here.  
Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

"You Ok?" Cartman asks me,  
I look up at him, He flashes me a look of concern.  
Concern? he's never given me that look before,  
He looks generally sad for me, I wounder if its real or not.

"Yeah, I didnt get much sleep last night" I replied.  
Cartman slowly stands next to me and put his arm  
around my waist. I leaned agenst him.  
Wow. He's never showed affection to me in public before,  
not like it matters anymore, Stan's out of the picture..I guess.

I have to addmitt It feels really nice to be in Cartman's arm right now  
though. I really needed it.  
Kenny just stares, I glare at him.  
He's the reason.. why should I care?  
Me and Stan were going to be over eventually, or werent we?  
Was I going to break up with Cartman instead,  
I looked up at him, I looked up and he gave a light smile.  
I made a small smile back to him.  
I wouldnt want to break up with him either.  
But It doesnt matter now, Its too late.  
Its already over with Stan.  
The bus pulled up and Cartman sat next to me on the bus.

"Come here"  
Cartman held his arms out.  
**I'm shocked.**  
"Cartman, people are going to see us!"  
"So?"  
"So you dont care, people will know your gay?"  
Cartman made a small smile  
"I'll beat the shit outta them if they say shit about it.  
But I am, people gotta know.  
So get your ass over here and let me hug you, asshole."

I grinned, and fell in his arms.  
Stan was deathly afraid of comming out with me.  
He's always so worried about what other people thought.  
Not Cartman.. Cartman's always himself.  
an asshole most the time, but himself,  
No matter who its infront of.  
I have to give him points for that.

I just realized how much I've missed hugging him.  
I feel so safe when I'm holding him.  
so protected, so warm.  
I hugged him tighter, and he rubbed my back with his hand.  
He was right.. he's rough on the outside, But on the inside,  
He really does love me. right now, I'm sure of it.

* * *

Cartman finnaly let go when we were about to enter the school,  
"Later jew." He said walking to his locker.  
I laughed alittle.  
I'm glad he let go, After what happened with Stan, I would die if he  
saw us together again.. Stan.  
That reminds me, Where is he?  
I quickly open my locker, grab my stuff and walk towards his locker.  
He should be there right now. I turn the corner, and there he is.  
He looks like he didnt get much sleep either.

I take a deep breath, and start walking towards him.  
My heart is pacing faster and faster the closer I get to him.  
I'm nervous as fuck.  
Walking..  
walking..  
walking..  
here we go..

"Hey" I say nervously.  
Stan turns to me, and I see a huge black and blue bruse  
on the left side of his face.  
I gasped.  
Stan frowned at me  
"What do YOU want?" He demanded.  
"Stan.. Stan, how did you get that bruise?"  
Stan slamed his locker shut.  
"Go ask your boyfriend" He said and he walked off.

My boyfriend?  
Cartman?  
WHAT HAPPENED?!

I race down the halls,  
I have to find Cartman.  
What the fuck happened?!

I stop at his locker,  
He's not there.  
I keep running down the halls,  
I have to find him.

* * *

**Cartman's P.O.V**

I followed Kyle when He went to go talk to Stan,  
Then I saw the bruise.  
The bruise I left him yesterday.  
What a wuss, he cant even take one hit?

Kyle's trying to find me, I know he is, He's behind me somewhere,  
I cant let him find me.  
I dont know what I'm going to fucking say..  
Though the hit was totally worth it.

* * *

I couldnt find Cartman anywhere,  
Its like he disapired,  
Well, atleast I have my next class with him.  
Then I can talk to him.  
I have to talk to him..  
Did Cartman give Stan the bruise?  
I flinched just thinking about it.  
I'm not even listening to Mr. Anderson talking  
about nebutron I really dont give a rats ass about that right now.  
I keep starring at Stan's bruise.. Its dark, I think its almost purple.  
God.. how did it happen?  
I'm going to talk to Stan after this,  
I know he probably will refuse to talk to me again but I have to atleast try.  
I spent the rest of the class day just staring at him.  
If people looked at me they probably would have thought I was just  
starring into space, But I couldnt look away.

_I remember when You used to be mine_  
I thought to myself.  
I fliced myself in the head.  
_Dont think like that.  
_I'm going to make things Ok.. I'll talk to him after class.

* * *

**Stan's P.O.V**

The bruise hurts so much.  
Just touching it, it feels sour.  
I should have never went over to that assholes house.  
What was I doing? just trying to pump more information out  
of something I already knew?

My eyes kept falling slightly, I had to force them open.  
It sucked ass last night. I toss and turn at night when I'm asleep  
and whenever I rolled over to the side of my bruise,  
It would hurt like a bitch and I'd keep wakeing up.  
I'd say I got two hours of sleep last night.

Mr. Anderson's talking about nebutrons.  
I'm not really listening.  
My heart still aches. I miss kyle.. I really, really do.  
Him calling me all the time Isnt helping.  
It also isnt helping when he stares, He's starring at me  
right now. I can tell from the corner of my eye, I'm pretending  
I dont notice. God, I miss kissing him.

I fucking hate Cartman.  
He had to come in and ruin the one thing that was perfect in my life.  
Kyle was my everything.  
and Cartman had to come in and take him away.  
It fucking hurts.. I'm hurting.  
Doesnt Kyle know he's hurting me?  
Doesnt he know how much I've cried over him?  
Doesnt he know? doesnt he care?  
I love him.. but I guess he loves someone else.  
"And that's the end of our lesson class,  
Be sure to read chapters fourteen and tweelve and  
we'll catch up on the rest tomorow."

I grab my books and I see Kyle walking towards me,  
Well I'm not going to let him talk to me.  
"Stanly?"I hear Mr. Anderson speak to me.  
Kyle stopped walking to me.  
"Can I have a word with you?"  
"Uh, sure" I answer.  
I saw Kyle walk away.. why did that disapoint me?

I walked over to Mr. Anderson.  
"Stanly" Mr. Anderson put a hand on my shoulder.  
"I couldnt help but notice the bruise you have on your  
cheek bone there."  
Ughh.. everyone in the school cant help but notice.

"Are you.. Stanly, Are you haveing problems at home?"  
What the fuck!? he thinks my parents did this?!"  
"No!" I blurt out  
"Are you sure? beacuse we can talk about it and - -"  
"Look, I'm not having problems at home, Ok?"

"Stan If you want to tell me something, you can completely do that."  
"But I have nothing to tell you."  
"Stan, how did you get the bruise?"

I dont have time for this.. I have to get to my next class.

"I fell"  
"You fell?"  
"Yeah I fell."

I dont really want to go through the whole  
Cartman hitting me process.  
I just want to leave.  
Mr. Anderson looks at me with doubt.  
I know he doesnt beilieve me.

"Alright Stan. But I just want you to know,  
If theres ever anything you want to tell me about  
You go right on ahead and tell me or one of your other  
teachers."

"Alright Mr. Anderson I'll do that."  
He gives me a small smile and walks back to his desk.

I walk out of the classroom.  
Thank god thats over with.

* * *

I didnt have a chance to talk to Stan after class.  
Mr. Anderson wanted him for something.  
I'll talk to him later.

Atelast I finnaly get to talk to Cartman, I see him a few desks from  
me starring out the window.  
He always does that when He's worried about something.  
And Cartman's tapping his fingers quickly on his desk.  
He knows something.

Mrs. Elson Is talking about body gestures and how they have a meaning.  
I used to care about things like this,  
and getting good grades, But sense I got so much fucking Drama in my  
life I havent had time to really focous. Thats not good.

I rip out a piece of paper and write,

_Whats wrong?  
And why does Stan have a a huge  
bruise on his face?  
-K_

I quickly crumple it up and quickly toss it onto his desk  
when Mrs. Elson wasent looking.  
I watched Cartman look slowly to the note and open it up.  
I saw no expression to his face, But he flipped the paper over  
and began to write something.

few secounds later, he puts the note to the ground and passes  
it back to me.  
I pick it up and open it

_Nothing, why do you ask?  
and idk. -C_

I roll my eyes, Such a Cartman answer.  
I rip out another piece of paper and write down

_Beacuse your nervous about something,  
why? and dont say idk.  
This morning I asked Stan where he got  
it and he told me to ask my boyfriend.  
What the fuck happened?!  
-K_

I tossed it to him, and watched him slowly  
uncrumple the note and read it.  
I saw him Flinch.  
Then he wrote somthing down, Then he erased it.  
He wrote something down again, and erased it.

**What is he thinking?**

He wrote somthing down, then finnaly passed it to me.  
I opened it up.

_I'll tell you l8r  
-C_

I tried to read what he erassed but  
the asshole scribbeled it out.  
I wounder what happened

_

* * *

_

**Cartman's P.O.V**

I watched Kyle read my I'll tell you later note.  
He looked at me and nodded.  
How the hell did he know I was nervous?  
Must be a jewish thing.

This is the only time I've ever wanted class to be longer.  
I've always kept waiting my fucking brains out for it  
to be over, but I'm not excited about class being over right now.  
I know kyle's going to want me to start talking.

What am I suppose to say?!  
'I'm sorry kahl, But i guess I punched your boyfriend  
yesterday when he came over.'

I'm fuckin dead.

The bell rang, and I jumped.  
Damn it!  
Why is it when I'm waiting for class to be over its  
alot longer, then the one fucking time I dont want it  
to be over, it's over quickly?!  
Things never work out for me.

Everyone was grabbing there stuff and heading out.  
Kyle walked up to me,  
"Lets go out here" He advises me.  
I nod.  
I'm in deep shit.

* * *

**Stan's P.O.V**

I cant focus.  
I cant do anything right today.  
Seem's like every class I get out of  
A teacher has to talk to me when Its over,  
Asking me some shit about if my parents abuse me.  
God Its one fucking bruise! get over it!  
Then walking down the halls people are whispering  
and pointing.  
One fucking bruise!  
I know it takes up about half the left side of my face though.  
This morning my parents were freaking out, I told them we were playing  
dodgeball and I got hit in the head.  
I dont know why I couldnt have just told anyone Cartman did it,  
I guess I just dont want to talk about it.

I mean I thought we were all friends?  
Me, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny.  
We used to be all friends..  
Now look at us.

Sometimes I wish I wasent gay, or that I never had feelings  
for kyle. I just wish things to be the way they used to be.**

* * *

  
**"Spit it out Cartman" I say crossing my arms in the empty hallway.  
Cartman is glanceing around nervously, and rubs his neck uncomfortably.  
"Well?!" I ask.  
"Look, its not a big deal kahl."  
"Then what is it?!" I spat, becomming unpatient  
Cartman sighed.  
"I might have, sorta did something to Stan.."  
"Uh huh.." I say, wanting him to explain more.  
"And.. I kinda hit him alittle"  
"Alittle?! You gave him that bruise!?  
Why the fuck would you do that?!"  
"Shh.. quiet down jew, teachers are here"

I cant believe it,  
I thought Cartman was a different person,  
I guess you cant change.

I held my arms tightly to my chest  
"Im sorry alright!" he whispered fiercly  
"I'm. fucking. sorry! He came over to my house and  
I.. It just happened!"

I glare at him.  
I cant believe he punched him.

"Your unbelievable." I shake my head.  
"I'm sorry!"  
"Well That's not good enough."  
Cartman stares at me with a face that looked  
like he had just been smacked accross the face.  
I walked away from him.  
Left him standing there looking helpless.  
At first I felt bad.. But he shouldnt have done that.


	40. Chapter 40 Sorrow

**Cartman's P.O.V**

I sit on my couch watching Tv.  
Watching Jackass.  
Usually I would crack up with this show, But not tonight.  
I cant get kyle out of my head.  
and what happened.  
He's pissed at me.

I wish I never did that.  
I'm still happy about it, dont get my wrong,  
But its not worth the way kyle was looking  
at me earlier.

I sighed and got up from the couch,  
Going into the kitchen, maybe if I eat something  
I'll feel alittle better.

I grab myself a coke and some derittos,  
and get back to the couch.  
I put my hand to my head,  
"Fuck" I mumble to myself.

I love kyle.. Sometimes I cant say it.  
But I do. wether or not I like it  
I'm a fag in love with that fucking jew.

I thought he loved me too,  
But once it was over between him and that asshole,  
he's still running after him. I dont get it.

I flip open the can,  
I guess I'm just not good enough.

* * *

I sat in my room, on my bed,  
and my legs are tucked into my arms.  
Sitting in complete darkness.  
Stan's mad at me, and now I'm mad at Cartman.  
Great.  
I have noone.  
I dont deserve anyone anyways.  
A cheater deserves nothing.

I fucked up my great relashionship with Stan for Cartman.  
I almost had a great relashionship with Cartman, till he had to be  
a dumbass and fuck it all up.

I sighed.  
I miss both of them.  
I want both of them.

A hot tear streamed down my face.  
I dont want to cry anymore, or feel this way.  
But I am and I do.

I rocked back and forth.  
I love them. I miss them.  
I cant have both of them.  
Which ever one I end up with,  
I'm still misserable without the other.  
Theres no way I'll ever be happy.

* * *

**Kenny's P.O.V**

"Kenny can you go to the store and by some vadka for me and your father?"  
My mom yelled from the kitchen.  
I sighed, "Merh" I mumbled out my orange parka.  
"Why?!"  
"Mph merph mer merph mer merh merph merh meh"  
"Kenny take off your hood I cant understand you!"  
I toke it off "Beacuse you have some in the cabnit"

I heard my mom open our squeeky cabnit from the kitchen.  
"Oh. Thanks kenny" She called.

I sighed.  
_Like she needs anymore vadka._

I laid down on the hard Rag they call my bed,  
and stare at our ceiling.  
I think I see some flies.. oh well.

I dunno what the fuck's going on.  
Kyle's mad at me for no reason.  
I didnt do anything and he's really pissed.  
whad I do?

He thinks I left some note on Stan's door..  
I know about the kyle goin behind stan's back with Cartman  
bullshit but I didnt tell on him.  
I've done it to a few girls..

I sighed out loud.  
Our whole fucking house smells like beer and sweat.  
I hate it.  
When I go over to my friends houses and smell the clean air,  
they have no fuckin idea how much i envy it.

I have noone.  
All my best friends are acting weird.  
Kyle's obvously mad at me, wont talk to me,  
and I've also noticed he's having a really hard time right now.

I was there when the note fell out of kyles bag and Stan saw it..  
Bummer.  
that sucks.

And Kyle looked like he was gunna cry or somthin, so being the nice friend  
I am, I went over trying to comfot him.  
But what does he do? He starts screaming at me worse then

before,  
blameing me for this thing too!  
what the hell!  
I cant get a break.

Stan wont talk much either.  
I think he's under a mild deppression.  
He gets mad whenever Kyle comes around though.  
I know he misses Kyle.  
I've known Stan for years.. I can tell.  
And that bruise on his face, Christ.  
I asked him where he got it and he mumbled Cartman.  
Woah, I guess all those rumors about Cartman manning up  
sense 7th grade were true.. now I can see why some guys  
are scared of him.  
I could see him being a football player like Stan, he'd probably be  
really good. But Cartman's still lazy and refuses to get into any sport.

Ive tried talking to him too but  
Cartman seems more pissed off then usual.  
Whenever I try to talk to him he flips out  
on me. Not supprissing.

Ironic isnt it?  
I have three best friends,  
and they all turn out gay..  
Ok, I'm pretty sure Cartman is atleast Bi,  
He fucked a girl a few years back but made me swear not  
to tell kyle anything.  
I fucked her too, and she told me.. he was good.  
He couldnt be as good as me though obviously.  
I'm supprissed, If you asked me a few years ago, Id say Cartman would be a virgin  
till he hit his thirtys sense he's such an asshole.  
Who woulda known.  
But I know how badly he has a thing for kyle too.

I shake my head.  
Drama, drama, drama, drama.  
What happened to the good old days,  
when we used to all be friends, (JUST FRIENDS by the way)  
playing with toy cars outside?  
I miss those days.

I'm pretty fine with being by myself and all, while my friends  
are going through this love triangle.  
But I miss them.. I cant stand having kyle mad at me.  
I know I didnt do anything, But I just want us to be cool again.

Maybe I should just have it his way,  
Go appologize for something I didnt do.  
Sounds weird, But Kyle really needs a friend right now.

* * *

**Stan's P.O.V**

I still cant get the image out of my head.  
Cartman and kyle.. fucking.  
You know, its fucking sick.  
I got so mad thinking about it  
I picked up my chair and threw it at my mirror, and It collapsed.  
It broke.  
Great.  
"What was that noise?" I heard my mom come in.  
"Stanly! what the hell's gotten into you!"  
The frowns at me looking from my mirror to me.  
"Oh.. um, sorry" I say nervously.  
She crossed her arms.  
"Do we need to take you to the theripast again Stanly?"  
"No"  
I do not want to go see her again.  
Her and all her fucking questions.  
I cant go back there!

"Then stop being a dumb ass! dont break your stuff"  
"Ok mom." I say simpily.  
_Please go away._

She uncrossed her arms, "Stan, whats wrong?  
Youve been like this for days, your father and I are really concerened  
about you"

Please dont start this again.  
"Mom, I'm really fine, I'm sorry I broke the mirror,  
I'll just buy a new one."

"Its not about the mirrior Stanly.  
I want to know whats wrong with YOU."  
"Mom, there really is nothing wrong."  
She stared at me unconvinced.  
"I'm sorry mom I just really dont want to talk about it." I explain.  
"Well someday your going to have to talk about it.  
You cant keep going on like this."  
I looked sadly to the ground "I know" I mumble.  
My mom quietly shut the door.

I laid on my bed.  
I want to hate him.  
I want to hate him for what he fucking did.  
But cant.. I know I cant hate him,  
I'll never hate him.  
I love him too much.

I wish I could hate him But I cant.  
I cried into my pillow.  
I hate this.

* * *

I Sat quietly in my room.  
I've had no dinner, no sleep, no anything.  
Just came home, went up to my room and Ive been sitting  
here ever sense.  
I miss Stan.. I love Cartman.  
I love Cartman.. I really miss Stan.

I cried, again.  
Ive been crying so much the last couple days, I cant even take it.  
I think my eyes are to tired to cry.  
Ive been crying so much that no tears will come out.  
I've never felt so down in my entire life.

A light flashed into my room that made me flinch.  
It burned my eyes, Ive been sitting in the dark for hours.  
"Bubby, Theres someone at the door for you."  
I turned around in my bed, looking away from the light.  
"Tell them I dont want to talk right now."

I dont want to see Cartman, or Stan.  
I dont want to see anyone.  
I just want to sit in here and sorrow in my own missery.

A light flashed in my room and my door swung open,  
I pulled the blankets over my head,  
But they got pulled off.  
"Kyle, this has got to stop right now!" My mother demanded.  
"Now go down stairs and talk to your friends!"  
I groaned, "Ma, I dont want to talk to my friends!"  
"Now Kyle!" She demanded  
"But Ma--"  
"Kyle! Now!"

I sighed.  
and slowly got off my bed and dreaded my feet down the steps.  
If I have too.  
I open the door and see Kenny.  
I dont have time for his shit right now.  
But I'm too fucking misserable to be as mad as I am at him.  
"What?" I say with a straight but irritated tone.  
"Kyle. I'm sorry" Kenny said.  
"What?"  
"I'm sorry for uh.. for that thing I did"  
I scowl at him.  
"The note?" I ask him.  
"Yeah, yeah that. dude, I'm really sorry,  
I fucked up alright?"

I wanted to still be mad at him,  
I wanted to slam the door on him and show  
him how mad I still was at him,  
But I'm too depressed to get up to that level.  
"Ok." I answer silently.

Kenny looked sad and concerned.  
"Kyle its alright" He put his hand out to me,  
I jumped startiled when he touched my arm,  
then slightly looked down.

"Come on, lets go for a walk." Kenny gestured.  
"Kenny, I really dont want to go for a walk"  
"But you need too"  
"No I dont."  
"Kyle, come on."  
I sighed, Sick of his begging. I'll just go for a stupid  
walk then go back to my room and continue to sulk.  
I shut the door behind me and walked with Kenny.

I said nothing, Just store down at the ground.  
"Kyle whats wrong?" he asked me carringly.  
I sniffiled, and wiped my snot on my jacket sleeve.  
"Kyle.."  
"Nothing alright!" I hissed.  
Kenny was not amused, He put his arm around me.  
"Kyle - -"  
"Everything!" I scream.  
I felt new tears finnaly spring from my eyes  
"I love Stan, But I love Cartman! Stans mad at me,  
Cartmans.." I paused, Chooking on the tears cloged my throat  
I held my face, and wept alittle,  
"Cartman's being a dumb ass.." I added silently  
"I, I dont know what to do!  
I dont know.. I cant do anything right!  
I cant do anything!"  
I fell onto the snow on my hands and knees crying.

I cried like a little kid would cry if their mom died.  
I felt so fucking bad, that it hurt to cry anymore.

Kenny Let me sob, then kneled down to me,  
"Its alright. Its ok" He rubbed my back.  
He lifted me up into his arms  
"You'll get through this Kyle, You'll get through this"

* * *

**Cartman's P.O.V**

I cant do this.  
I cant go on like this anymore.  
I have to show Kyle..  
I have to show him how much I'm sorry.

If I could take back the hit I would.  
If I could just..  
AHH! What am I going to do?

I'm so fucking stupid!  
Why did I have to go hitting him!?

I love Kyle broflovski.  
I wish to fucking god I didnt.  
But I do.  
Him and his stupid jew hat and his stupid orange coat  
and his stupid smartass cockiness.  
But I miss him.

I'm used to getting anything I want.  
My mom buys me everything,  
But this is most important then anything I've ever wanted in  
my entire pathetic life.

But he will never leave me for that douchebag Stan.  
He's in love with him. Not me.

I'm done with waiting, and if he wants to get mad at me  
for telling Stan to screw off, Fine.  
He's always going to run back to him anyways so I'm fucking done.  
And I'll just have to learn to live without him.

* * *

WUUPIE!  
Chapter done!  
hope you liked it! :D  
i love you reviewers, :)  
you make me happy. lol


	41. Chapter 41 Seeking resuloutions

It's great to have Kenny at my side when times are getting tough..  
like now.  
I dont know what I would do without him,  
I think I would litteraly go insane.

I walked over to Stan's house, shivering from the cold,  
The wind is stronger then usual.  
I knock on his door,  
His Mom answers,

"Hi, Is Stan here?" I ask.  
His mother sighed,  
"Sorry Kyle, He's still not ready to talk to anyone right now.  
Do you know what's been going on with him?"  
I felt a knot tighen in my stomach.  
"No" I lie.  
She let out another sigh, "Oh, alright.  
He must be going through something,  
It's probably something about his grandmother.  
I'm sorry.  
I'll have him call you later."  
"Ok" I say silently.  
Though I know he's not going to call.  
I'm the reason he's not himself.

I walked home.  
That's the forth time today I've went over to his house.  
I've called his home phone but his dad says the same thing.  
And his cell phone goes right to his voicemail.

Ugh.. I'm so screwed.  
I feel tears developing.  
All the time I was sneaking around with Cartman,  
All those times.. I knew it was wrong,  
And I knew how good of a guy Stan was but I did it anyway.

_This is what I get._

**Cartman's P.O.V**

I'm going fucking crazy.  
I cant sleep, eat, I cant even focous on my goddamn Tv.  
Its beacuse Of Kyle.  
I know it is.

I've tried calling him a few times, No answer.  
His bitch mom wont even answer, which is a supprise for me.  
I'm sit down at my couch, flip on the tv.  
Put on a show where cars are crashing into eachother.  
"And lets watch as we see the most dangerous vehicals to Crash, Burn and expire!  
Here, On Roadcross racing!" The Tv blarred.  
I put my hand to my head, "Focus, Ok, FOCUS" I mutter to myself.  
Focus on the tv, stop thinking about that goddamn jew.

_Focus, on Cars, Focus._

Nothing used to ever distract me from the tv.. now its really pissing me off  
That that one single fucking nimrod has to keep me from watching my tv.

A Car just slid off the side of the road and into a brick wall then it explods in a bursting  
flames of fire.  
"And there it goes! That is one screwed Driver there, right tom?"  
"That's right George and the - -"

_Kyles face.  
"You know, I really love you" he said in the rain,  
The slowly started to walk away from my house.  
I had to watch him walk away.. so sad,  
Then I ran back and kissed him.  
Kissed him so lightly as he pulled me closer kissing me back,  
His fingers Holding onto my bare back and.._WAIT!  
**FUCK!**

Stop thinking of him!  
I turn the Tv up louder,  
This fucking sucks.

* * *

**Stan's P.O.V**

"Stanly, Kyle stopped by again to see you."  
I gave a small smile, not knowing why.  
"Ok mom" I answered,  
She shut the door.

Why the fuck did I smile?  
There was no reason to smile there..  
Was it that it.. it's funny how he keeps trying?

He keeps calling me, Stopping by my house,  
Why does my heart warm up when I find out he keeps trying?

Then I stopped myself and frowned,  
I cant keep thinking like that.  
He fucked up, and he's going to have to deal with it  
I thought angerily.

I looked to the side out the window, seeing Kyle walk home.  
But.. he seems like he's really, really trying.  
Maybe he is sorry?

I meantally slapped myself,  
No, Remember what he did to you, I reminded myself.  
And with **ERIC CARTMAN** for christs sake!

I couldnt help but glance out the window one more time,  
But Kyle was already out of sight.

I really do miss him though..  


* * *

  
**Kenny's P.O.V**

I Slamed the door shut behind me.  
"Kenny? Kenny? is that you?"  
I take off my hood, "Yeah Its me!" I answer  
"Where were you?"

Hah. thats funny.  
_As if she gives to fucks about where I've been.  
_I start walking to my room,  
"Kenny?" She asked me again  
But I already slammed the door.  
_Yeah, It's Too late to start playing "The carring mom"_

I sit at my bed,  
Man, alot of shit has been goin on.  
I mean with Kyle.  
He's a wreak.  
I never saw him like that before.  
shit.

Before I thought He should deffinently go with Stan..  
he's more of a stable guy.  
But once I saw Cartman start looking at Kyle the way he does..  
I'm not sure.

"Kenny! Door!" I hear my dad yell from our kitchen.  
I roll my eyes, always making me do everything.  
Cant put his fucking bottle down for a secound and get it.

I get outta my room and go to the door,  
open it.  
What the hell?  
Cartman?

"Kinny!" He says, Barging into my house,  
"What the hell? just walk on into my house?"  
"Yeah, yeah, cut the crap. I need to talk to you."  
I shrugged.  
Wounder what he wants.

He hasent been over here, in a long time.  
I start walking to my room and Cartman follows behind me.  
I close my door, as Cartman stands, Looking impatient.  
What the hell does he want?

"Kenny, Listen, Your Kyles friend.."  
"Yeah...." I nood my head.  
"So.. Can you tell me whats going on?"  
My eyes went wide, "Huh?"  
Cartman grabed onto my arms, But not to tightly.  
If He did, He'd be alot scarier then Kyle had been when He  
started shovinng me yesterday.

"Like, What's Kahl saying?" He asked looking into my eyes,  
He let go of my arms, "I just.. I dont know" He said pacing around my room,  
strokeing his fingers through his brown hair,  
"I dont know I.. The asshole wont talk to me, and I, I hit Stan,  
and.. I just feel like I'm fucking lossing it alright?!"  
He continues to walk around my room,  
"I cant fucking eat, I cant do anything,  
Its fucked up, you know kinny?" He stops and looks at me.

Wow.  
Cartman's more struck then I thought.  
"You gotta help me" He says Bracing back onto my arms,  
"Whad am I suppose to do?"  
"I dont know! something!" he yells  
"Woah.. back up" I say stepping back from him.  
I dont want what that asshole gave Stan..  
God he looks really messed up..  
Maybe he really is in love with him.

"Help me! Tell him.. Tell him I'm sorry Ok?  
Tell Him, I wont do it again"

"Why dont you just tell him yourself?"  
"Beacuse he wont fucking talk to me!"  
He stomps his foot foor on the ground,  
like a little kid throwing a tantrum.

"Look, Look" I say putting my hand out to him,  
trying to calm him down.  
"I'll tell him, Ok? I'll talk to him"

Cartman's face lightened, and I swear I could see him smile alittle,  
But It was quickly replaced with a frown,  
"You better" he says, jamming his finger into my chest and storming out of my room.  
Sheesh.. I'd said I'd help.  
Doesnt mean he has to add a threat to it.

God.. He must really love Kyle.

* * *

My mom came in, "Kyle, Your friend Eric Cartman is here to see you."  
"Not now Mom, I'm working on my science homework."  
My mom grins and shut the door.  
Yeah right, I wish I really could work on my science homework.  
Thats the last thing on my mind.

I still have gotten no text's or calls from Stan back.  
I sigh deeply.  
I shut my eyes, and laid down on my bed,  
Imagining that night In the medow, with Stan laying on my chest..  
The Smell of his beautiful black hair, the graceful sight of him sleeping  
on me, Just him being there.. god.  
I really gave it all up.

Well, Stan deserves alot more then me anyways.  
I dont deserve happiness.  
I'm a cheater.

Though It's flattering having Cartman keep calling me and stopping by  
my house, Stan is really the one I'm thinking about.  
I keep thinking about, and keep dreaming about.

He was my life.  
We've been through everything together.  
How could I ditch something as wounderful as that  
for someone like Cartman? Someone who has ripped on me,  
and hated me from day one? huh? tell me that.  
I cant figgure out an answer either.

"Ughh" I groan at the thought of going back to school tomorow.  
Stan Contantly iggnoring me,  
Cartman keeps asking for forgiveness..  
I felt another tear slip from my eyes,  
I miss him too. I miss Cartman.  
Why Cant I forgive him?

If I forgive him we'll be together, and that means It will totally be offical  
Stan will never be appart of my life again. Never will he be a Friend, or worse, boyfriend of mine again.  
As much as I love Cartman, I love Stan too.  
And as much as it hurts me,  
And I'm just not ready to let him go yet.

* * *

I slug off to the busstop the next morning.  
My eyes driffting down from another sleepless night.  
I dont think I've slept two days straight.  
This cant be healthy.  
I stop at my bus stop.  
What's it going to be today Cartman?  
I'm sorry for what happen?  
I'm sorry and I'll never do it again?  
I'm sorry and I.. love you?

I love him too.  
I miss him.

I realize he's not doing it, I look up at him.  
Whats wrong?  
He's not comming over to me begging for my forgivness today?  
No, He's just standing off to the side starring at the ground.

Why do I feel a pang of disapointment hit my chest when he's not doing it?  
I got the scariest thought,  
What if he's given up?  
What if he's given up on me, On us?  
What if he doesnt want me back?

I clench my eyes Shut, I am not crying.  
I have been crying everyday, almost every other hour for four days.  
I am not letting myself cry. Not this time.  
Keep it in, I tell myself.  
_Keep it in._

Kenny stod next to me and gave me a small smile,  
I gave him one back.  
It's not supprising to see that Stan isnt here again.  
His Mom has been takeing him to school now.  
Its probably a good thing.

"You Ok?" Kenny whispers to me.  
"I'm fine"  
Kenny looks at me with sad, knowing eyes.  
We both know thats not true.  
The bus pulled up and I sat next to kenny,  
Cartman Sat behind us.

It was quiet. None of us were talking.  
A few minneutes later I toke a quick glance  
back at Cartman, who I saw looking out the window,  
I immediatly looked away when I saw him catch my eye.

Kenny looked from me to Cartman,  
"Theres somethin I gotta tell you later" he whispered  
"Ok." I say.  
I wounder what he has to tell me.

* * *

I dragged myself into school.  
Not stopping at Stan's locker, Not stopping at Cartman's locker.  
Not stopping at noones locker but mine.  
I'm just going to grab my stupid books, get to class early, get the day over with and go home.  
Sounds like a pretty good plan to me.  
I grab my books out of my locker,

and head to My first class.. the one S has with me..  
I felt a burn in my stomach just thinking about it, he's probably sick of me.  
I keep walking then I feel a Hand on my shoulder,

"Cartman?" I ask,  
but see Kenny, "Oh, Hey Kenny."  
Why did I think it was Cartman,

"Cartman came to my house last night."

He what?  
"What?! what'd he want?!"  
"I dunno, he was goin crazy dude,  
Like he was walkin around my room asking me how  
to get you back and how sorry he was and, I dont know,  
he just looked really messed up"

Really?  
"Really?" I ask in disbelief  
"Yeah."

I shoke my head,  
Cartman, Really messed up?  
Over me? couldnt be.

"Kyle.." Kenny continues,  
I look at him.  
"I never thought Eric Cartman could love anything.  
but He really fucking loves you." He said to me.

Oh my god..

Kenny walked away.

God, All this fucking nervousness developed in my stomach as I watched  
him walk away.

Cartman did that? He went to kenny's house asking questions?  
I looked over at Cartman's locker, in which he was standing there,  
Looking at me.  
When He noticed I was looking back at him, He jumped alittle,  
startled.  
I gave him a smile, and his cheeks went a light shade of pink and smiled back.  
Maybe he really does love me.  
I love him.. I really do love him.

I so desperatly wanted to sprint over there and kiss him,  
Kiss his lips again, Hug him tightly, The warmth I've missed so much.  
But My legs wouldnt let me. I stayed put.  
I almost feel.. guilty for loving Cartman too much.  
I know it sounds like the weirdest thing But i feel like I'm cheating  
on Stan again, thinking like this.  
I need to think this through before I make any drastic dessisions.

Then.. this Can finnaly be over.

* * *

YAY!! DONE!  
Yes I did update today luckily.  
:) woohoo

lol, but thanks reviewers,  
You guys rock.

* * *


	42. Chapter 42 Caught In between

"Stan" I whispered from across the Classroom.  
Stan stared straight ahead, looking like he was paying good attention to Mr. Anderson.

"Stan!" I whispered again.  
Stan looked down to his paper and started jotting down notes.  
Though theres nothing to take notes on.  
I know he can hear me.  
"Stan!" I whisper again alittle louder,  
"Shhh!" hushed The kid next to me. A dumb freshman.  
"Shut the fuck up, kid." I scowled.  
He rolled his eyes, and looked back to his notes.

I know Stan can hear me.  
Plus, he never pays **This** much attention in class, ever.  
He usualy just looks bored out of his mind.  
Beacuse he is.  
Why wont he just TALK to me?

"And that kids, is the end of our lesson. Any questions?"  
Noone raised their hands.  
"Ok, Well the bell's about to ring in two minneutes so you can talk amungst yourselves."  
Everyone in the classroom turned to their friends and started conversations.  
_Perfect._  
I get out of my desk and walk to Stan, He see's me begining to walk up to him, and He grabs his books,  
Getting out of his seat.  
"Stan I - -"  
"Dude, just leave me alone."  
"But I just want to- -"  
"Kyle, theres nothing to say" he cut me off again.

I felt as if a sharp knife just jabbed deep into my chest,  
And it burned.  
_He hates me._

"Stan just let me finish, I just want to - -"  
"No, dont finish beacause I dont want to hear it!"

The bell rang and Stan pushed passed me.

_At that moment, I felt my heart break.  
I couldnt move.. I couldnt breath.  
I wanted to cry.._

He does hate me.  
He should.. its what I deserve.  
I toke a deep breath,  
Its better then how it was before.. atleast I'm not going  
behind his back anymore.  
But this fucking hurts,  
I love him, and him knowing what I had done, It just fucking hurts._

* * *

  
_I heard a tapping sound in the corner of my ear as I wrote down notes  
In Mrs. Elson's class About life forming. the dumb test is on thursday  
And I have to get enough studying in for it.

_Tap, tap tap_

I look, and I see Cartman holding up a paper ball, he grinned and kicked it to  
me, with his foot.  
I slowly Bent down to pick it up,  
I opened it down in my lap and read in his sloppy writting

_**Hey :)**_

Hey? thats it? hah, I expected more then that.  
I flipped the piece of paper over and wrote

_**Hi**_

I laughed at myself, what else is there to write?  
I smiled and passed it to him.  
I watched Cartman bend over and pick it up, and raise his eyebrow  
confused. haha, He probably expected me to say more as well.

He got a pencil and started to write something new on the paper,  
Then he crumpled it back up and passed it to me.  
I bent down, and picked it up.

_**Whats up**_

I smirk.  
This is the lamest conversation ever.  
Usualy when Cartman passes me a note he usually has  
something to say. He's never written me just to.. talk.  
Uhh.. I put my pencil to the note and thought to the top of my head.  
I write

_**Nothing, Stan's being an asshole.**_

I looked at my writting, then frowned and scribbiled it out.  
I Dont want to talk about Stan with Cartman!  
Am I fucking crazy?!

What should I say?  
I look over at Cartman who was looking at me,  
Waiting patiently to get a responce.

I put my pencil back to the note and write

_**Nothing.**_

I know, Lame right.  
I really have nothing else to say.

_**You?**_

I add to the note, and crumple it up and pass it to him.  
He reaches down for the note, and picks it up,  
I watches as his eyes go accross the page..  
His beautiful dark brown eyes, I start Picturing his Brown perfect hair,  
and the way he takes off his hat and it falls lightly to the front of his face,  
and his lips.. then way he kisses its, its.. **WHAT THE FUCK?!**

How did I get to thinking about that?  
Way off topic..

I shake my head, trying to get the images out of my head.  
God I really do miss him..  
What am I waiting for?  
From what Kenny says, Cartman wants us back.  
The only thing stopping me is Stan.

Toke me awhile to realize Cartman was frowning at me from accross the room  
as the note he had written was at my feet.  
I was so caught up in my thoughts I didnt notice him passing his note back to me.  
Its the funniest thing, Seeing Cartman's familiar pissed off look.. its kind of hot.  
I know, I know, the weirdest thing ever.  
I'm just a homosexual Jew, Pay no attention to me.

I read the note,

_**Fine.  
What the fuck is going on with us?**_

I stare blankly at the note.  
Way to put it out Cartman.  
I chew the end of the end of my pencil,  
What am I suppose to say?  
What is really going on with us?

I look at Cartman who stares at me. His expression is unreadable.  
I look back to the note, and write down

_**What?**_

I dont know what else to say.  
I know what he's talking about, but what  
am I suppose to say?!

I quickly pass the note and Cartman picks it up and Reads it,  
Cartman let out a frustrated sigh and gave me an annoied look.  
I shrugged, playing dumb.

His eyebrows knoted together, as he wrote something down,  
Then passed it to me.

Oh my god..  
I slowly pick up the note.  
I dont even think I want to read it.  
But I know I have too.  
I open it.

_**Whats going on with us?**_

I felt a knot in my stomach and my face burn up.  
I glanced quickly at Cartman, who starred at me with his head in his hand and Tapping  
his fingers impatently.

I toke a deep breath, wrote something down and passed it to him.  
He picked up the note and read

_**I dont know.**

* * *

_

**Kenny's P.O.V**

It was the weirdest thing at lunch today.  
Kyle didnt even look up from his Plate,  
Neither Did Stan.. or Cartman.

Am I the only sane one in this group?

Damn I feel alittle left out being outta this gay little  
love dramma these boys got goin on.

Hah, acctually no I dont.  
I hate dramma.  
I would love to have a taste of kyle one day though.  
I'm not gunna lie, he's fucking hot.  
I can see why Stan and Kyle are strangleing themselves over him.

Dude, I'd be extatic if two dudes, or girls were fighting over me.  
Kyle seems less enthusiastic about it.  
We'll I'd understand that, knowin we've all been best friends for years.  
Well, him and Stan anyway.  
I still never exactly got how Cartman squeezed his way into it.  
I never thought kyle would ever like Cartman.  
It was a fucking shock when I found out.

Which was amazing beacuse usualy I can figgure out these kinda things.  
I could always tell Cartman lusted after Kye though. Pretty obvious.  
For me anyway.

God damn this better not wreak our group.  
It probably will.  
I'm fucking supprissed Stan decied to sit at our table  
with Cartman again after what he did to his face.  
You can still see the bruise, Not as bad as a few days ago,  
But Its like a brownish purple.  
Jesus, Cartman fucked him up.

"Stan Can we- -"  
"No"  
Kyle and Stan broke the silence.

"Just for a - -"  
"No."

_Whats goin on?_

Kyle frowned, "Let me fucking finish! I--"  
He began harshly  
"No leave me alone!" Stan picked up his tray slamed it into the garbage  
and stormed out of the cafteria.  
Kyle, unsupprissingly ran after him.

Jesus, what was goin on when I wasent around?  
That just left me with me and Cartman.  
Cartman rolled his eyes, and was shakeing his head to the table.  
Poor guy.

woah, woah woah WAIT a secound..  
Did I really just think **'poor guy?'  
**  
I've never felt bad for that asshole in my entire life!  
Fuck.. this must be serrious then.

I put my hand out to Cartman, who just shrugged it off.  
"Stop it." he muttered.  
Fine. just trying to help.  
I shrugged and went back to eatin my peas..  
better like it, probably just have balony for dinner tonight.

"I dont fucking get it." Cartman said, not looking up at me.  
I look at him.  
"How, does he still love that asshole?  
Cant he see what I'm fucking doing?"

I start to feel a small pit of sympathy for him..  
Here is **THE** Eric Cartman who acctually reviles of bit of 'feelings'  
for another person, which i never thought he had.  
And that person is kyle.  
Kyle, the guy he's hated all his life.

Or so I thought.. Maybe He's always liked him?  
eh, What do I know.

And Kyle just keeps shooting him down for Stan.  
That fucking sucks.  
I kinda feel for Cartman.

I mean The one time, the **ONE and ONLY** time he has ever addmitted to have  
any sort of feelings for another person besides discust and hatred,  
And this happens. Even HE doesnt deserve that.

"Its ok" I muffle out of my jacket.  
Cartman frowns at me,  
"Do you ever take that god damn thing off?"  
I shrug.  


* * *

"If you could just listen to me for one sec!"  
I yell at Stan in the hallway, which is empty.  
"I dont want listen to you, Go tell your boyfriend!"

That stung.

"Cartman's not my boyfriend!" I say without even thinking.  
Was he?  
"Your my boyfriend" I say.  
"Thats bullshit and you know it!" Stan pushes me agenst the locker  
"Its obvious he is! stop fucking lying!  
go tell him about your little problems!" Stan said walking off,  
"Fine! maybe I will!" I yell back.  
"Fine!"  
"Fine!"

This time I dont even go after him.  
I sighed deeply. He's not going to forgive me.  
Thats obvious.  
I slowly walk back to the cafeteria to see Cartman and Kenny talking..  
We'll Kenny's talking.  
Cartman's just starring down at his food.  
He looks really messed up.. I twitch of guilt flutters into my chest.

Great Broflovski, Your fucking up your life, Stan's life, and Cartman's life,  
All in one day!  
Fantastic.

Kenny stopped talking when He saw me sit back down at the table.  
He gave me an evil glare.  
What? what did I do?  
Kenny rolled his eyes at me.

Great! Now everyones pissed at me!  
**TERRIFIC!**  
I stod up from the table and stalked out the cafeteria, passed the lockers,  
And went into the boys locker room.(which noone was in)  
I go up to the punching bag and punch once,  
punch twice, Punch it again, and again and again and again and again and again  
clentching my teeth, "AHHGG" I keep socking the punching bag over and over and over and  
then I flew onto the ground, saving my fall with my hands.

I breathed heavily.

Then I felt myself starting to tear up, and I curled myself up into a ball and let out a sob.  
Starting to cry.  
I cant fucking take this.

* * *

**Cartman's P.O.V**

Fuck Kyle.  
No I'm serriously. Fuck him.  
Alright?  
Fuck that fucking no good dirty jew rat!  
I fucking hate him, I never liked him anyway!  
Him and his pussy boyfriend can go on and have their happy little  
life for all I fucking care!  
I dont care!  
I hate him.

I trudge my feet through the snow over to my house.  
Stupid fucking snow.  
Why is it always fucking snowing here?!

I just get so pissed off thinking about That asshole today!  
_'Oh Stan, let me talk to you, Oh Stan, I need to talk to you,  
nah, nah, nah, nah nah.'_  
Makes me fucking sick.

What the hell does he want to talk to Stan for anyway?  
Its obvious.  
He fucking loves him.  
Kyle fucking loves that prick.. Not that I fucking Care.  
Beaucse I fucking dont.  
I'm way better off without that fucking jew anyway.

I tear open the door in my house,  
"Poopsikins? is that you?"  
Great. She's home.  
Just what I fucking need.

"Yeah mom." I call out to her.  
"Need any snacks muffin?"

I sigh. Dude I'm in fucking highschool.  
Does she really need to keep calling me nicknames?  
I'm pretty used to it though, so I dont even bother bitching  
at her about it.

"No" I yell.  
"You sure? I made some funnel cakes!" She cheered.

Jesus christ, what? Is she trying to get me fat again?  
Do you know how fucking long it toke me to lose that shit?!

"IM FINE!" I yell out harshly.  
That shut her up.

I sighed, sat on the couch and flipped on the Tv.  
Better not be a fuckign re-run of what happened last time  
I tried watching tv.

* * *

**Stan's P.O.V**

I checked my phone again.  
No missed calls.  
Weird.

I felt a dissapointing hole in my gut.  
Why the fuck Do I feel that?  
I cant feel bad beacuse Kyle hasent called me tonight.  
I cant feel bad. I dont wanna talk to him.  
..right?  
Right! I dont wanna talk to him!  
A few secounds went by and I flipped open my phone again,  
Just double checking.  
Nope, No missed calls.  
I slowly shut it.

A felt a deppressed and sinking feeling in my heart.  
I cant feel bad.  
I dont even want to talk to that asshole.

I laid on my bed, A few secounds later, I couldnt stop  
myself, But I opened my phone, half hoping there would  
be a message that lighted up saying, "One missed call"

Nothing showed up.  
Just the background of me and Sparky.  
The feeling in my chest just got stronger.  
"God damnit" I mumbled.  
I have to get myself away from here.  
I shut off my phone.  
I dont even want to look at it anymore.

I went down the Steps and to my living room where My Mom was watching the news  
"And it looks like we'll be facing more snow in southpark, Espeshily this comming tuesday"  
The blonde haired news reporter spoke.  
I Sat next to my mom.

She didnt even acknowlade that I sat down.  
"Hi Mom." I said.  
She glanced at me quickly, "Oh, Hey Stanly" She said,  
Then focusing her eyes back to the tv.  
I twittled with my fingers.  
"So mom.."  
I really, really didnt want to ask this question but Its been bugging my  
mind, to the point I think I'll go crazy  
"Did anyone stop by to see me today?"  
I ask, with a glimps of hope.

"Uh, no. Why?" She asked.  
Whatever Sinking feeling I had in my chest,  
But disolved.. I think I can feel it breaking.

"Oh, um Just woundering."  
My mom says nothing else.

I stare down at our kitchen table,  
I cant lie to myself anymore.

As much as I want to hate him.. I dont.

As much as I want to fucking punch him in the stomach  
for what he did, I want to kiss him more,

As much as I want to fucking forget him and  
Kick him out of my life.. I cant.  
I still love him.. and miss him.  
And it sucks.

* * *

**Kenny's P.O.V**

"Kenny, Share those frozen french sticks with your brother,  
We dont have many left" My mom says.  
I frown, "Mph, Merph! Merph mer meh merh merph merph mers!"(Fuck that! I've been waitin weeks for this!)  
"Kenny stop your wineing you gotta share!"  
"ughh.." I murrh.

Everyone asks me why I still wear my orange coat.. Well It never became too small,  
and Its fucking warm compared to my cold ass house.  
Whats the point of sellin it?  
I'm still in love with this thing.

_knock knock knock!_

"Kenny get the door" My dad said taking a chug of his beer.  
I frown again, "Merph peph meh merph" (You get the door)  
My dad frowned back "Dont you fucking start with me kenny" He says  
I roll my eyes.  
He makes me do everything.  
Why dont he just have kevin get it?!

I swing open the door, Kyle stands there looking to the ground.  
"Merphl?" (Kyle?)  
"Hey Kenny" Kyle says sadly, not looking up from the ground.  
"Can I talk to you?" He asked quietly.  
"Merph"(yeah) I say opening the door.

Kyle walked in, and my parents looked at him,  
"Oh Hey Kyle" My mom greets him.  
"Hi," Kyle Smiles, being nice.  
"How you doin?" She asks  
"fine. Just wanted to talk to Kenny"  
"Alright" She made a quick last smile at him, and began to eat  
more of the frozen french toast sticks.  
I leaded Kyle into my room.

Why is it that my mom **ACTS** nice whenever I have people over?  
We get to my room and Kyle still hasent said anything.  
I dont even think He's looked at me sense he got here.  
I toke down my hood, so I could talk clearer.  
Whatever Kyle was about to say, seemed like It was gunna be important.

Kyle puts his hands behind his back then slowly looks up at me,  
With big puppydog like eyes.  
"your not mad at me too are you?" he asks me.  
I cross my arms and lean back  
"I dunno. Should I be?"

Kyle looks down again.  
"I wouldnt blame you. Everyone else is."  
My aggression slowly fadded away.. I guess everyone is mad at him right now.

"I just.. I cant take it Kenny.  
This thing With Cartman and Stan, Its fucking killing me."  
Kyle says sitting down ontop of my bed.

"I dont think Stan's ever going to forgive me.  
Well he shouldnt anyway but.. I dont know."

"Well, If I found out a girlfriend of mine cheated on me  
I wouldnt be all jolly and ontop of the world either." I grimace

Kyle frowned at me.  
Opps. wrong thing to say.

"Fuck you." He gritted, through his teeth.  
"Sorry, I didnt mean it like that." I say instantly regreating it.  
Kyle stod up, "You think I fucking enjoy this?  
Well I dont. I love them both.  
Hell, I'm **IN** love with them both!"  
He yelled.

I look down slightly.  
Hate to be in his shoes.

"Look, You want my perspective?"  
I ask.  
Kyle nodded.  
"I know you love Stan alot, But dont forget about Cartman too,  
I mean dude he's fucking lost it man.  
You shoulda seen him at lunch today when you left to get stan"

Kyles eyes went wide, "Why?! what did he say?"  
"I dont think I'm suppose to say"  
"Kenny please! Please tell me I have to know!" Kyle begged.  
I sighed.  
"I dunno alright? he asked me what he's doin wrong and yadda yadda yadda"  
"Kenny! Thats not an answer!" He resented.

I shrugged.  
"I'm not suppose to say! but I will tell you this,  
again. he fucking loves you. And I never thought  
Cartman had a single loving spec in his body till I saw the way he looks at you."

Kyle backed up.  
We didnt say anythin.

"You love him dont you?" I ask him.  
Kyle looked down, 5 secounds later,  
"Yeah, yeah I love him."

"Then what the fuck are you waiting for?!"  
Kyle sighed,  
"I dont know! I do love Cartman! Alot!  
But If I forgive Cartman and were together again then  
me and stan will never be together again!  
Not even as friends! do you know how fucking hard that is for me?!"

I froze.. he's got a point there.  
I let out a deep breath and put a hand on his shoulder

"Well its your choice." I said.  
Kyle looked down.  
"your right.." he said silently.  
"Maybe, Eveuntually I'll just have to move on.  
I cant keep dreading in between them forever."

* * *

**LET OUT SIGH OF RELIEF.  
Wooh. done.

Hope you liked it :)  
Plenty of the unexpexted comming up next.  
Love you reviewers!  
Tell me what you thought of the chap!  
I'll luv you forrever! hah, though already do XD


	43. Chapter 43 Let one go,Another to passion

Beware.. Strong Sexual content.  
Skip Line six if you dont want to be disturbed.. lol.  
(not includding this line)  
**_

* * *

_**

**_Dear Stan,_**

I stared down at the first two letters of the letter I'm giving Stan tomorow.  
This has to be over.  
I'm not hurting Cartman anymore.  
I love him, He pretends he's not but I know he's upset.  
This has to be done.

_**Dear Stan,  
**  
_I read again in my head.  
I put my pencil to the paper.

_**I know your mad and I dont blame you.**  
**You have every right to be mad.**_

I put my pencil to my mouth.  
Trying to grasp my next words.

**_I know what I did was wrong and I'm sorry_**

I stared at my writting.  
No, That doesnt work.  
I scribbled that line out.

**_It wasent suppose to be this way._**

That was true.  
I continued to write,

_**I wish I could take it back, I wish I could fucking  
Take it back but I cant.  
But I really do Love you.  
I love you Stan.  
And you deserve much better then me.  
**_I kept writting, The words were spilling out.

**_You will get better then me,  
and All I want is for you to be happy.  
I'm sorry, I'm fucking sorry.  
If you hate me forever I wont blame you._**

I closed my eyes and Sighed deeply.  
I didnt realize I was crying until I saw a teardrop  
onto the note and Left a driped mark.  
I sighed again and wiped my tears away.

**_I hope one day we can be friends again,  
I really hope so.  
I'm fucking sorry and I dont deserve your forgivness.  
But I love you.. and I want you to know I always will.  
sincerly yours forever,  
Kyle Broflovski._**

I finished writting and stared down at my note.  
I didnt move.  
Then I suddenly Burst out into tears and cried into my arms  
onto my desk.

"Kyle! bubby are you ok?" I heard my mom yell outside My door,  
I quickly grabed the note and slamed it into my desk drawer and shut it  
"Yeah, ma I'm fine" I hoax.. still chokeing back on tears.  
My mom walked in,  
"Kyle! Kyle, bubbula Why are you crying?!"

I try and suck up my tears,  
"What mom? I'm not crying.." I feel more tears developing.  
I'm trying so hard not to fucking cry.. but I cant.

I sobbed into my hands,  
My mom raced to my side and hugged me,  
"Bubby whats wrong?! tell me right now!"  
I sniffed loudly.  
"Its.. its nothing ma"  
"Yes it is! now tell me!"

The last thing I want to do is tell my mom about Stan..  
And I deffinently dont want to tell her about Cartman.

All I want to do Is lie in my bed and cry.  
Shes not letting me.

My mom held my tighter,  
"Tell me whats wrong! what happened!?" held on to me,  
Basically squeezing me.

Thats it, I have to make her go away.  
"Its just, Me and Stan had a fight" I lied.  
Well, It isnt completely a lie, but it goes.  
"Oh" My mother let out a sigh of relief and stod up.  
"Dont worry Kyle, You two are best friends,  
It will all work out, you'll see"

I looked down, _No it wont._

"Oh, but I hope you'll feel better" my mom gave me one more hug  
and headed for the door,  
"It'll all be alright Kyle, trust me." she says shutting my door.

_No, It wont be alright.  
_

_

* * *

_

**_Stan's P.O.V_**

_I slamed down the phone,  
**I'm Not calling him!**  
_I told myself for the thousanth time.

As soon as I put down the phone, I stared at it again.  
"No, I'm not doing it."  
I said aloud.

A few secounds later, I picked up the phone again and looked  
at Kyle's numbers.  
Do you know how eaisly I can just press them  
and be on the line with him right now?

"This is ridioulous." I said aloud.  
I slid onto my back, I cant look at that thing anymore.  
I am actually afraid I'll just lose control and dial his number.

Why the fuck do you want to call him?  
I'm suppose to hate him, remember!?  
I atomatically looked at the phone again.  
"No, No, No." I said aloud shakeing my head.

I grabbed the phone, opened my door, Set it outside my room.  
And got back onto my bed.

I stared at the wall.  
I cant beilieve Kenny.  
After all Kyle did, Kenny's sidding with him!  
Well not sidding with him, But I'd atleast think He wouldnt  
give him 'nice' talks.

I mean christ, Kyle fucking cheated on me!  
Why is he feeling bad for him?!  
"Bastard" I whispered grimly to the wall.

I frowned, Well I dont need Kenny anyways.  
Fuck, I've lost everyone.  
Fuck Cartman, Fuck Kenny, Fuck Kyle..  
**Fuck me.**

* * *

I slowly walked into my first class the next morning,  
Takeing a deep breath.  
I had the note in my pocket.. I'm doing it today.  
I slowly walked over to my desk, and looked at Stan who was starring  
down at his desk.

_I have to do this_  
I thought to myself.

I sat down onto my chair,  
feeling a knot full of fucking butterflys in my stomach.

This is going to change everything.  
What I'm about to do is going to change everything.

Everyone in the classroom were talking to their friends.  
Class hasent even started yet.  
Wasent even in here yet.

I enhaled a big chunk of hair then disolved into my chest and starting  
walking over to Stan's Desk.  
I held the note in my hand that was beccoming sweaty beacuse how fucking nervous  
I was.

It seemed like forver but I finnaly made it accross the room and to Stan's desk.  
He looked up at me, I'm sorry Stan I thought to myself.  
I slid the note onto his desk,  
I watched Stan's eyes follow my hand and look to the note.  
Then he slowly looked up at me.  
I gulped and let go of the note, then turned and walked back to my seat.  
That was probably one of the most intense things ever.

_Its finnaly over.  
I finnaly **did it.**_

I didnt even look back at Stan, to watch him read the note.  
I dont want to see him read it.

I just want class to be over._

* * *

_

When The bell finnaly rung I grabbed my stuff and ran out of class.  
I dont want to see Stan.  
I ran down the hallways and to my next class.  
I guess I'll be there very early but I dont Care.  
I dont want to risk running into Stan.

I finnaly get to my room and sit at my desk.  
Noone is here yet.  
atleast now I't over.  
I smiled to myself, Now I can finnaly be with Cartman.

* * *

When Cartman walked into the room, along with about seven other kids  
a few minneutes later, I smiled at him.  
He looked at me confused, then smiled back.  
I felt all giddy all the sudden.

I cant wait to tell him.  
Cartman will be mine again, I get to be in his arms again, I get to kiss him again,  
I get too..  
I stared at Cartman, I fucking love him.  
Its amazing, Two guys that hated eachother sense kidergarden,  
hates eachother so much, then we get older and I'm.. I'm in love with  
my sworn to life enemy.  
Life can be so complicated, But It feels so right.  
I couldnt help but grin at him again, even though I know he's not looking at me.

This was probably the best decision.

* * *

I cant keep it in any longer,  
I cant take another half hour of this fucking class!

Looking at Cartman.. I have to tell him.  
I tear out a piece of paper from my notebook silently,  
and write down in my lap

_Get a bathroom pass, in 5 minneutes.  
I'll meet you in the hallway._

I crumpled up the paper and tapped my pencil until  
Cartman looked my way.  
Cartman's brown lushious eyes looking my way..  
just made my heart squirm.

Wait, did I just say Lushious?  
What the hell.. Sense when Do I say shit like that?  
Cartman must really be getting to me.

I kick the note in his direction, He slowly picks it up.  
makeing sure Mrs. Elson doesnt notice anything.  
Cartman opened the note on his lap and read it.

I raise my hand,  
"And the.. Yes Kyle?" Mrs. Elson asks.  
"Pass?" I say.  
"Sure, put your name on the sheet" She said  
I hoped out of my desk and sighened my name On  
The bathroom Pass list.

I walked out the door, I make one finnal glance at Cartman  
before walking out, He was stareing at me.  
I smiled at him and walked out.

* * *

I'm Waiting in the Hallways.  
Fuck wheres Cartman? He was suppose to be here about three minneutes ago!  
I thought to myself getting annoied.  
I looked at the clock.  
Hurry up fat ass.

Right at that moment, Cartman slips out of the room and shuts the door behind him.  
I smiled.  
Cartman smiled slyly as he walked up to me,  
"Whats this about, jew?" he asked crossing his arms looking at me  
with a devious look.

I grin and Grab his large arm, leading him down the hallway  
"Kahl? Kahl where are we going?!" I kept smiling, iggnoring him.  
Dragging him down the empty hallway.  
"Where are we- -"  
I opened the door to the janitors closet,  
turned around and led him in, He slowly followed.  
I couldnt read his expression, but I couldnt stop smiling.  
"Shut the door" I whispered.  
Cartman grinned and shut the door behind him.

God seeing him like this in the dark,  
I dont know what was But I realize I wanted him bad now.  
I fucking missed him.

I put my hands to his thighs. "I did it" I whispered closely to him.  
Cartman raised his eyebrow and his mouth curved up.  
"Did what?" he asks  
I held him closer, leveling his lower body to mine, And put my arms around his waist,  
Pulling him closer.

"I broke it off with Stan" I smiled,  
Cartman's grin went wider  
I got on my toes, and whispered into cartman's ear,  
"I've wanted you" I whisper, My lips about two inches away from him.  
I pulled my head back to see him expression and Cartman's grin got bigger.  
Cartman put his hands onto my lower back pushing it tightly towards him,  
His face got closer to mine, "Good" he whispered,  
then I felt his tongue in my mouth, and I kissed him back.  
I put my hands on the back of his neck forcing him to kiss me deeper, which he did.

Cartman's hand's kept his push forcing my body closer, Then he slowly went forward  
and I went back, as His mouth is still locked with mine.  
My eyes are shut and this feels.. fucking amazing.  
Cartman keeps leading me backwards till my back hits the wall.  
Cartman leans agenst me, pushing me onto the wall, kissing me harder.  
His weight is forced onto me, But not in an uncomfortable way.  
We kept kissing, and My hands went from his neck up to his head and  
I ceased my fingers through his hair, Cartman kept kissing me, adding more weight onto  
me agenst the wall, And his right hand went up my shirt, and he rubbed my chest.  
pushing me harder to the wall.  
My tounge went deeper into his mouth kissing him.  
Cartman's rubbing became rough and faster.  
The lower part of my body was hicking to his, My boner became so much fucking harder,  
when My penis felt his, sticking through his pants.  
I was making him hard too.

Our kissing, was a lot more forcful and I had to breath faster through my notrols.  
Cartman's hand slowly went down from rubbing my chest and his hand went over my stomach,  
Then he dugg his hand in the inside of my pants, then the inside of my boxers,  
I was getting so fucking hott, I put one hand to the back of his neck kissing him more intense and deep  
and the other to his hip, grabbing him closer.  
Cartman's hand grabed onto my dick, As I seppreated the kiss, with my eyes still shut,  
And I let out a breath, and Cartman slowly rubbed my dick up and down, up and down,  
then his rubbing became harder and harder, I let out a small moan, which made Cartman do it harder,  
and I moaned even louder, Then he rubbed his hand beetween my legs Slowly, up and down  
My stomach followed his hand movements, when he went up, the rest of my body went up too.  
My head fell back, while he continued to stoke my dick up and down, Then his rubbing became alot faster,  
And I felt myself cumming, "ahhhh" I let out a small moan,  
My eyes still shut, I heard Cartman chuckle with satisfaction, Then the rubbed faster and faster, and faster, and..  
I couldnt take it anymore!  
I gripped tightly onto his neck, kissing him hard and his hand was speeding up and down my pants,  
I kissed his neck and I felt one lep wrap around him, and then the other,  
Till Cartman was holding me agest the wall, keeping me up, rubbing me fast.  
Then He finnaly stoped and gave my cock on finnal tight squeez and started kissing me again,

I kissed him, then traveled my hand down to his pants and decided to give him the same reward.  
His head flew back with his eyes shut and he gave out small moaning noises,  
Fucking turn on for me, As I rubbed faster he held onto my back, clutching his fingers into my skin,  
Probably so deep It might bleed, but i didnt care.  
It fucking hurt.. but In a hott way.

I slid my fingers out of his boxers and held onto him,  
We both sepperated out kiss, breathing heavily.  
Our forheads leaned agesnt eachother,  
He was sweating, and His hair was alittle wet from the sweating,  
Which for me was still fucking hot.  
God It got so warm in here, I'm sweating too.

I opened my eyes to see Cartman's brown one's starring into mine.  
were still breathing heavily, Sweating, and our faces were so close our noses were touching.  
Noone said anything.  
But It wasent akward.

I closed my eyes, still trying to catch my breath.  
"Kahl?" I heard Cartman's Warm breath to my face.  
I opened my eyes.  
Cartman tugged onto my boxers, bringing my hips closer to his  
"Arnt these mine?" He asks,  
I look down, at his oversized tootsieroll boxers and let out a small laugh.  
"Yeah." I whispered, unable to speak at full volume yet, concidering I  
still cant breath at the right pace.  
Cartman just smied then leaned and gave me a warm long kiss.  
I held his sides closer.  
This is the best day of my life.

* * *

**Stan's P.O.V**

I sat with my hand to my head, at lunch next to Kenny.  
I still had the note in my pocket.  
That fucking note.

Where the hell is Kyle anyway?  
And where the fuck is Cartman?

Not like it matters anyway.

I havent talked sense I sat down,  
Kenny stared at me with worried eyes,  
"Whats wrong?" he asked me.

I rolled my eyes, Kenny acting all worried about me,  
Fuck that.  
I thought he was on the whole, 'I'm gunna feel sorry for Kyle' side.  
"Nothing" I mumble.  
Kenny raised his eyebrow leaned in closer.  
Not buying it.  
I rolled my eyes and toke the note out from my pocket and shoved it  
towards him.

Kenny looked confussed then picked up the note and read it.  
A few secounds later,  
"Woah.."  
Thats all he has to say?

I snatch the note from him and jam it back in my pocket.  
Kenny said nothing for a bit.  
I just starred off to the side.  
"Well.." Kenny began to say,  
"Are you ok?"

I frowned,  
Am I Ok? What the fuck kind of question is that?!  
"No! I'm not fucking ok!" I spat.  
Kenny stared at me.  
I sighed and put my head to my hands.  
"I dont know.." I said, not knowing what else to say.  
Kenny looked down to the table.  
Typical he wouldnt have anything to say.

"He's an asshole.  
We had everything you know,  
He's always hated Cartman.  
how the hell did he choose him over me?  
You know I just dont get it!  
It doesnt make any fucking sense!" I look down.

Kenny still had nothing to say.  
"Whatever, I dont care anymore" I got up from the table, and left  
the cafteria.  
I need somewhere to think, I gotta get this off my mind.

I went outside (After lunch, if you want to go outside you can, till the bell rings.)  
and sat on the step.  
I slowly toke out the note, opened it, and read it over again.

_Dear Stan,  
I know Your mad and I dont blame you.  
It wasent suppose to be this way._  
_I wish I could take it back, I wish I could fucking  
Take it back but I cant.  
But I really do Love you.  
I love you Stan.  
And you deserve much better then me.  
You will get better then me,  
and All I want is for you to be happy.  
I'm sorry, I'm fucking sorry._

I felt a tear roll down my face, and I kept reading.

_I hope one day we can be friends again,  
I really hope so.  
I'm fucking sorry and I dont deserve your forgivness.  
But I love you.. and I want you to know I always will.  
sincerly yours forever,  
Kyle Broflovski._

I sobbed and threw my head to my knees.  
Look at me, I'm fucking crying at school.  
Stan Marsh, Captin of the football team,  
Ex boyfriend of the hottest girl in school.  
A fagget..  
and a guy with a huge purple and brown bruise  
on my face.. My god, What has happened to me?_

* * *

_

"Cartman" I say between kisses,  
Were now on the janitors Floor, and I'm laying agenst the wall  
on Cartman's chest.  
"Huh?" Cartman responds, kissing me twice.  
"I think we skipped two classes." I say pulling my head away.  
Cartman rolled his eyes, "Who cares" leaning his head closer trying to kiss me again.  
"Dude, I cant skip anymore, If My parents find out, I'll be dead!"  
Cartman glared, "So what? let your bitch mom find out."  
"Cartman.." I warn.

Cartman noods his head and rolls his eyes again.  
"Fine." He said getting up, pulling me up with him.  
Then The door opened, "Hey, what are you kids doing in here?"  
A mexican with a mop stared at us.

"Oh.. uhhhmmm" I hesitated looking at Cartman.

**FUCK!**

"We uh.. we got lost?"  
What the hell Cartman! that's the stupidest excuse in the history of the world!

The mexican raised his eyebrow, "You guys doin anything inappropriate in here?"  
He asked looking at us up and down.  
Well, My hair's falling out of my hat, My zippers down (but my pants are on, thank god)  
Cartman's hair is messy..  
I guess It would be obvious to anyone, to guess what we were doing.

"No!" I said quickly.  
Oh god.. please dont get us introuble.

The janitor grinned, "Uh huh." he said unconvinvced.  
"Can I watch?" he asked.

We froze.  
"Uh.. Can you what?" Cartman spoke  
The janitor crossed his arms and leaned agenst the doorway,  
"Can I watch your little eh, session?" He asked crocking his eyebrow.

"Ughh" I roll my eyes.  
"No" I say and push past him, holding cartman's hand behind me.  
_Fucking perve.

* * *

_

Damn, I only had one class left today.  
My stomach's growling like crazy, Me and Cartman skipped two classes and lunch.  
My teachers are going to have my ass.  
I thought back at our time in the closet.. and I grin,  
But I guess it was worth it I thought to myself.

I wrote down notes for geometry,  
Guess I should have washed my hands or something before I can here.  
I can still smell Cartman's cum on my hands.  
I think I should be completely grossed out and discusted.. but the weird  
thing is I'm not.  
I'm fucking sick.

Then I saw a paper ball tossed onto my desk.  
I looked in that dirrection and Kenny was smiling rubbing both hands together.

I open the note

_**Dude, I read the note you gave Stan this morning.  
Its really fucking over!?  
XD**_

I looked at Kenny, who was smiling at me.  
hah, waiting for me to give him details.  
What a dumbass.  
How did Kenny read that note?  
Did Stan show him?

I flip the paper over and write

**_Yeah Kenny, Its really over._**

I crumpled the note and tossed it back to him.  
He quickly opened it and read excitedly smiling.  
Why is he so fucking happy over it?

Kenny toke his pen and wrote on another paper.  
Great.

He tossed me another note, and I opened it in my lap

**_Really? Wow  
So, whachu and cartman do at lunch today ;)_**

My heart jumped, How the hell does he know about that?!  
The winking face tells all.. He fucking knows.

**_What the hell are you talking about kenny?_**

I write, acting dumb.  
I passed it to him, and watched Kenny roll his eyes,  
write something and pass it back to me.  
I opened and read,

**_Oh Come on!  
I'm not stupid,  
I know these things Kyle broflovski,  
You should know that.  
I can smell sexual intercorse a mile away ;)  
come on, give me details!_**

I rolled my eyes at the note.  
Well of corse Kenny would assume.  
Though I'm sure I would be hard to guess beacuse  
I redid My hair so Its not messy and adjusted my clotheing.  
I put my pencil to the paper.

**_No.  
and fuck you kenny._**

I crumpled the note and passed it to him.  
Kenny grinned and wrote something passing it back.

**_I'd be flattered,  
but dont you think Cartman would get pissed? ;D_**

I laugh alittle.  
Asshole.  
I look at Kenny and flipped him off who simply let off a perverted  
smile and snickered.

* * *

The bell for the end of class rang and I went up to kenny  
"Dont tell Stan" I whispered,  
"Why?"  
"You know, We just broke up. I dont want to hurt his feelings or anything."  
Kenny smiled "Ok."  
Kenny's grin got bigger as grabbed my hands and pulled them to his nose as he sniffed.  
Aw sick.

Kenny kept his grin,  
"Broflovski, Remeber to wash your hands after the handjob kay?" He winked at me  
and walked away.  
I stod there and said nothing.  
Of corse he would know the smell of that.  
"I forgot!" I called after him, as he kept walking.

I couldnt help but laugh.  
Kenny is one of a kind.  
_

* * *

_

**Stan's P.O.V**

"Ughhh" I groaned starring at my math problem.  
X minneus square devided by.. uh, Fuck.  
I cant concentrate!

I cant stop thinking about kyle.

and the note.. God its fucking killing me.  
I think I'm going to die by missing him so much.

I put my fingers through my hair,  
Starring down at my math sheet,

Concentrate Marsh, Concentrate.  
I tell myself.  
Just beacuse Kyle's being a Dumbass doesnt mean my  
grades have to suffer.

I stare to the problem and my mind goes blank.  
I cant think of anything.  
Fuck, And I usually do pretty good in this class.  
I cant think.

The words in the note keep repeating over and over in my head.  
"i hope we can still be friends, I hope we can still be friends,  
You deserve more then me, You will find better then me."  
I sighed deeply and clenched my eyes shut.

There is noone better then you.

"I cant do this" I whisper aloud to myself.

I've tried forgetting about him,  
I've tried to get him out of my mind but I cant!  
alright? I fucking cant!  
Its impossible!  
If Kyle's not in my life I'm better off dead.

I put my hand to my head.  
and his words in the letter went over in my head.

"I wish I could take it back, I wish I could fucking take it back,  
I'm fucking sorry.  
I love you, I love you, I love you.  
I want you to know, I love you and I always will."

Maybe he really is sorry.  
So.. Kyle fucked up.  
So, He tried something sexual with Cartman..  
Yuck.  
I just got a nasty image in my head.  
I try despreatly to shake it out..  
Kyle and Cartman.. augh. I think I'm gunna throw up.

If he would cheat on me atleast do it with someone like,  
Tweek or butters for christ sake not Cartman!

I move negitave thoughts away from my head.  
It never gets me anywhere.

So Kyle fucked up..  
everyone does.  
Truth is I love him.  
Just beacause Kyle fucked up, doesnt mean we have  
to throw everything we had out the window.  
Dude I fucking love him.  
I miss him.. I want him back.

He fucked up.. But I guess.. I'll forgive him.  
Beacuse I love him that much.  
I'm going to tell him.  
We can be together again,  
Beacuse I'm going fucking crazy without him._

* * *

_

Alot happened in this chapter..  
Wow.  
I'm even supprissed at myself.  
DUde wohoo! this has the most words out  
of any chapter in the story!  
This chapter gets a trophy.  
:D

Anyways, hope you liked it :)  
I love you reviewers, always have, always will.

P.s To my good reviewer, Sumoko-chan,  
Have you noticed I put the Boxer part in there?!  
lmao, sense you kept asking about it I decided to put  
that in there XD lol.


	44. Chapter 44 Collapsing

**Cartman's P.O.V**

Today was the best day ever.  
Not only did I get Kyle to stop getting all prissy  
at me about the whole me punching Stan incodent,  
But Kyle left him.  
Kyle finnaly fucking left him.  
for me.

What more could I ever want?  
He's mine. finnaly all mine.

_RRIIINNG_

Speak of the bitch..  
"Hello?"  
"Hey Cartman, My house?"  
"Sure."  
"bye"  
"see ya"

I hung up the phone.  
Guess I'll be going to kyles..  
Now just beacuse we are 'together' doesnt mean  
I cant still make fun of that fucking jew.  
Hah besides, I have Stan to rip on now.

I grabbed my coat.  
Better head off.

* * *

I just called Cartman to come over.  
Now that my parents are gone at Ike's parent teacher confrence  
We'll have the house to myself.

I'm in my room going through boxes in my closet,  
Trying to find the "Sparing of worlds" game.  
Its Cartman's Favorite.

It feels so weird now, Now that were.. "Boyfriends."  
Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman.. Who would have thought.  
I thought back when we were younger and we wanted to fucking kill  
eachother. I would have never thought in a million years this would happen.  
But it did.  
Cartman is still in an asshole in most ways, But Now I know, Deep, deep  
Very very deep, inside him, he acctually has human emotions.  
He never showed anyone but me that side of him.. I guess thats how I started to fall in love with him.

I keep digging through my old videogames.  
Fuck, I have to find it before he gets here.

I kept digging then I came accross my guitar hero game..  
I slowly picked it up from the box.

I havent played this in years,  
I stared at the rockstar 'guitar hero' cover.

My mind went into fizz..

_"Kyle! we finnaly got the game!" Stan cheered holding up the cover  
"Kick ass dude! I thought we'd never get to play this game!"  
"I know! Hey, Lets go over to my house, lets play it now!"  
"awesome!"_

_At Stan's house_

_Me and Stan played guitar hero for weeks and weeks,  
Pulled all nighters.  
Then guys from school came to watch us play and how good  
we got. They were cheering us on,  
We almost got to set it to a new record.  
We made it, and everyone in the room cheered for us.  
Me and stan smiled and high fived eachother,  
"You were awsome dude!" I yelled  
"Nah, I couldnt have done it without you" He smiled  
"Kyle someones at the door,"  
"huh?"_

.. My flashback ended,  
"Someone's at the door for you Kyle"  
My mom said at the doorway.  
"Oh, Oh ok." I said getting up.

I rubbed my head getting to the door.  
Dude, weak.  
I'm just going to end up missing him more If I keep thinking Like this.  
Sure he was my best friend.. sure I miss him. alot.  
But things happen.

I grab the doorhandle, Expecting Cartman to be on the other side..  
But It was Stan.  
My eyes went wide,  
"Stan?"  
"Hey Kyle" Stan looked to the ground  
"..Can I come in?"  
I hesitated, then held open the door, "Sure."  
Butterflys were going wild inside me,  
What the fuck is he doing here?!

Stan walked, then turned to face me when I shut my door behind me.  
I looked at Stan who said nothing..  
I looked into his blue eyes.. god I've missed those eyes.  
Shut up, I snap at myself. Stop it.

"Kyle.. Kyle I love you" He said.  
I toke a step back,  
"Wha..what?"

Stan Toke my arms and held them down to the couch to sit down,  
He held onto me,  
"I love you. I know you fucked up, Ok? I know.  
But I mean, Should that really wreak everything we had?"  
"I.. I uh.." I cant speak.  
Fucking say somthing!

"Listen, Kyle, Ive missed you, alot.  
everyone makes mistakes, and its Ok."  
He put his hand to mine.

"I.. I um.." I'm chokeing on my words!  
I can fucking talk!

"It was a mistake Kyle, and Its in the past.  
But i love you, and just beacuse you make one  
mistake doesnt mean we cant still be together."

Stan put his hand on my face.

"I, I um.." Damn it! Talk!  
"I dont think.." I start to say.

Stan lunges in and pressed my lips agenst mine, for about two secounds,  
Then quickly sepperated.  
My eyes went wide,  
Did that just fucking happen?

Oh my god.. Oh my god..  
I'm getting way too nervous,  
My heart jumps when he moves again

Stan put his hands on my shoulders and leaned  
in so our faces were three inches away from eachother,  
His Blue eyes pirced into mine.

"Now.. Can you tell my Kyle.. That you didnt feel anything when I did that?"  
"I..I, Uh" I want to talk, but when I try, nothing comes out.  
I'm in shock.

"Kyle, Kyle talk to me." Stan said, Still looking into my eyes,  
"I.." Damn it! Say something!  
"I..Cant." finnaly make out.

Stan Gripped his hold on me tighter,  
"Kyle." He said clearly.  
"Do you love me?"

I couldnt talk.. My hands are shakeing..  
When I tried to talk, It just came out in weird  
breathing sounds.

"Do you love me, Kyle?" He asked me again.  
"I.." I choke on my breath  
"I do Stan." I say.

"Then, Lets not let a mistake get in the way" He said,  
Then he leaned in and kissed me again.

I froze.. In between shock and disbelief,  
Was this really happening? was Stan really kissing me?!  
It couldnt be real, This doesnt even feel real.  
I Held back, but Then I gave up the urge.

I've missed kissing Stan.. God,  
I put my hands to his sides,  
I've fucking missed him.

Stan is So much more gental then Cartman..  
My spine porked up.  
Cartman.

Fuck!  
What the hell am I doing?!?!  
I resisted alittle bit to Stan,  
"What's wrong?" He asked me  
"I just.."  
I looked into his blue eyes,  
"Its just.."  
His eyes seemed to take control over me,  
I cant tell him.. what am I suppose to say?

Here's Stan asking, no begging for me back,  
How am I suppose to.. I dont know,

"Nothing" I say quietly.  
Stan smiled and started to kiss me again.  
This is not good._

* * *

_

**Cartman's P.O.V**

Mother. Fucker.  
Son of a bitch!  
Who the fuck does he think he is!  
I angerily march home..

Kyle was kissing Stan.. Kyle had his fucking lips  
to Stans.  
What the hell?!  
How the fuck can he do this to me again!  
That lying fucking jew, that lying..AGHH!

I kick the snow with my shoe.  
He told me they were over,  
God how am I fucking blind enough to see that lie  
comming?  
**GOD DAMN IT!**

Well You know what?  
Fuck them.  
FUCK THEM.  
Fuck Kyle, FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK KYLE!  
Stupid whore thinks he can switch from me to stan whenever  
he fucking wants? we'll he cant! so just fuck him!  
I am so **FUCKING pissed off!**

I kicked the tree infront of our house,  
It shoke.  
Stupid tree,  
"Poopsikins you alright?" I hear my mom open the door,  
"FUCK YOU MOM! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!"

"Oh, alright then" She smiles and shuts the door.  
fucking slut.

God, I am mad.  
I am never going to love ever again.  
Its evil, Its fucking evil.  
Once you let someone in your life they'll go behind your fucking back  
and Stab you!

Fuck love.  
I dont need love.  
I fucking hate Kyle, I hate him more then I ever had in my entire life!  
And Ive hated him soo much in the past.  
Fuck it.  
I'm fucking done.  
I quit.  
Fuck Kyle.

* * *

At first it was nice kissing Stan again, I mean dude,  
Ive really missed him.  
But Now It's so weird.  
I cant stop thinking about Cartman.  
God, If he saw me right now..  
Fuck, wasent he suppose to come over about ten minneutes ago?  
Why didnt he come over?  
We'll actually thank god he didnt come over.. If he saw this,  
I dont know what he'd do.

How do I get out of this?  
I have to see Cartman!  
But Stan keeps kissing me..

"Uh, Listen Stan.." I say pulling away from him.  
He looks at me confuesed,  
"Uh.. If my mom see's us, she'll kill herself."  
Stan froze, then laughed alittle.  
"Yeah, your probably right.  
Well I better get going anyways." He stod from the couch.  
I stod up and Stan hugged me,  
"I love you.. I'm so glad were together again.  
You have no fucking idea how much I've missed his" he says hugging me.

I ball of guilt was developing in my chest..  
_Oh god Stan, Please dont say it like that_

Stan let go of me and kissed me on the cheek heading out the door,  
He smiled, and I faked a smile back, then shut the door as I watched him walk off.  
I shut the door and leaned agenst my door, looking to the ground and touching my lip.

_What have I done?

* * *

_I'm racing off the Cartman's.  
I have to find out why he didnt show up today.

_No matter what you do, Say nothing about Stan.  
Nothing about Stan._  
I kept telling myself.

I finnaly get to the door and start knocking at it, weezing for breath.  
I knocked again, and Mrs. Cartman answered  
"Hi, Is Cartman here?"  
I say holding my knees still trying to catch my breath.

"Why, yes he is, He's in his room.  
But he's in a tinsy bit of a cranky mood right now"  
My heart stopped.  
He's in a cranky mood?  
This better not mean what I think it does..

"Thats ok" I say quickly.  
Mrs. Cartman shrugged, "Well alright.  
Poopsikins! You have a visitor!"  
She called up the steps

"Tell them to go away!" He yelled from upstairs,  
Mrs. Cartman looked at me, "Dont mind him,  
I think his friends need to lighten his mood"  
I gave her a smile and headed up their steps.

"Cartman?" I ask comming through his door.  
"What the fuck do you want?!?!" He yells out in rage.  
"I uh.." I back up alittle frightened  
"I, Just wanted to see why you didnt come over"

Cartman looks more pissed then ever,  
He frowns and he has a look in his eye I dont like.. I think I'm starting to get afraid of.  
"I did! Then I saw you and your secound wheel boyfriend Stan making out through the fucking window!"  
He yells.

Oh god.. My heart beats faster,  
"Listen Cartman" I said slowly trying to calm him down  
"That didnt mean to happen, Honestly, He kissed me!  
I didnt want too!"  
"Your such a fucking liar!" He throws his chair to the wall.

Now I'm really starting to get scarred  
"Cartman.. Please Stop, I just.."  
Another object hit the wall.  
"I'm sorry Ok?! I love you! not him!  
Dont be mad! He kissed me!" I pleaded

"I through with your fucking lies, Get the fuck out  
of my house jew, Get the fuck out!" He yelled pointing to the door,  
"Cartman please.."  
"Out!" he yelled louder.  
I was too the point were I could immagine him hitting me like he did Stan.  
So I slowly backed out.

What am I going to do?

* * *

I cant sleep at all.  
This is the worst feeling ever.

Cartman saw me and Stan..  
I sighed.  
I didnt Kiss him, He kissed me!  
How can he not understand.

I put my hands behind my head,  
No wait, I know.  
I can unerstand why he doesnt trust me.  
I've cheated on Stan with him for christ sake!  
I'm pretty sure he'd be bound to wounder if I'd do the same thing  
to him.

I rubbed my face,  
I need Cartman.  
Last time was a living hell without him.  
I think Me and Stan are bound to be just friends.  
Cartman.. he's a totally different story.

I just need to get him back,  
And Tell Stan.. It's not going to work out.

* * *

Cartman didnt show up at the bus stop that morning.  
Damn it.  
Stan was finnaly there though, smiling at me.  
Great.  
"Hey" Stan smiled, putting his hand around my waist,  
Oh god this is so uncomfortable.  
Kenny had a look of shock smeared accross his face.  
He gave me a look saying 'what the fuck?'  
I shrugged in return. I'll tell him later.

Cartman better be at school today.

* * *

He was.  
Thank god, He was at his locker,  
Slamming books into it.  
Looking similar to yesterday but not quiet as mad.  
I toke a deep breath and started walking towards him,  
Walking..  
walking..  
"Hey"  
Kenny stod right infront of me.  
Fuck.  
Kenny was frowning with his arms accross his chest.  
I dont have time for this,  
I have to talk to Cartman before class starts.

"Explanation?" Kenny asked,  
"Kenny, I'll tell you later" Trying to walk out of his way  
but he stepped infront of me again,  
"Kyle, I dont like how this is lookin"  
"Its no big deal, Alright, just a misunderstanding, now I have to go talk too.."  
When I looked over at Cartman's locker he was gone.

"FUCK KENNY! you made me miss him!"  
"Huh?"  
I sighed, Might as well tell him.  
I have no fucking clue where Cartman went off too.

I walked over by the lockerbanks and leaned agenst one.  
"Its Stan."  
Kenny raised his eyebrow  
"He came over yesterday."  
Kenny eyes buldged out "He what?!"  
"He came over yesterday saying he loves me and that he  
wants to get back together and" I rubbed the back of my head,  
"I dont know, one thing led to another, then he kissed me and Cartman  
saw, and now Cartman's all pissed off."

Silence.

"Woah." Kenny finnaly spoke.  
"Yeah."  
"Oh dude, I'm sorry" He put his hand on my shoulder,  
"yeah. I just have to find Cartman." I say walking off.  
Too fucking late to look for him, the bell already rung for class.  
"Fuck!" I yelled, Everyone in the hallways went quiet and starred at me.  
I kept walking.  
I dont realy give a damn if they heard me.

* * *

I scratched my head and starred down at my paper.  
Geology,  
Man I'm lucky I'm good at this subject or I'd be fucking screwed.  
I heard tapping sounds, I looked and Stan held up a paper ball.  
and tossed it to me with his foot.  
I reached down and grabbed it, opened it

**_What's wrong?  
You look like your worried about something._**

Great. Is it really that noticable?  
Passing notes to Stan is the last thing I want to do right now.  
I looked at the clock.  
30 more minneutes till my class with Cartman.  
Come on.. come on, can the clock go any slower!?!

I get back to the note and write quickly

**_No I'm fine._**

I pass it back to him.  
Focussing back on my work.  
Then I heard more tapping sounds.  
I iggnored him, maybe if he thought I couldnt  
hear him, He's leave me alone.  
Instead I feel a light Tot to the head, and the paperball bounced  
off. I rolled my eyes and opened the note

**_You sure?_**

Jesus christ stan,  
Leave me alone.

**_Yeah._**

I wrote and passed it back.

* * *

  
**Stan's P.O.V**

What's wrong with Kyle today?  
Yesterday had been the best day of my life.  
I thought we were finnaly back together!

So why is he acting so weird?  
When I put my arm around him today I felt like he was slightly  
shrugging it off,  
When I pass notes, He answers quickly, and makes this look as  
if he's annoid at me or something.  
What the fuck did I do wrong?

I was about to Ask Kyle that at the end of class but  
he rushed out.

Maybe.. Maybe, He didnt want us to get back together.  
My heart throbs just thinking about it,  
I love him.. I fucking love him.  
I hope to god he doesnt want an "Us."  
I love him so much it hurts..  
Why does he seem like he keeps turning away from me?

* * *

Cartman's P.O.V

I was not looking forward to going to this fucking class.  
Having to be in the same from with that fucking jew for a whole hour  
is going to kill me.  
I walked in the room seeing Kyle, standing by my desk.  
Fuck. It already has.  
I just get pissed looking at him.  
I keep getting that picture in my mind of him and stan kissing  
whenever I look at his fucking face.

Ok, I'm going to walk to my desk, look him straight in the eye,  
and let him know I'm not putting up with his shit.

I slowly start walking, Kyle looks up at me,  
God why the hell do we have to have this class together?!

"Car-"  
"Fuck you"  
"I-"  
"Fuck you"  
"u-"  
"fuck you"  
"jus-"  
"fuck you." I say interupting him, everytime.  
"God damn it Cartman! Listen to- -"  
"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you," I say over his words.  
"I have to talk to you!" He said, while I yell over his words.

Kyle frowned, I frowned back.  
Mrs. Elson came in,

"Alright class everyone take your seats" she says walking over to her desk.  
Kyle gives me on final glare and walks to his seat.  
Woah, he's pretending to be mad at me? after what HE did?!  
Psht. That's funny. That's so fucking funny I forgot to laugh.  
He should be a comedian.  
I tightened my fists and sat down.  


* * *

Asshole. He's not even talking to me.  
He wont even let me get one word in without  
saying "fuck you" over it.  
Fucking asshole.

I write down on my sheet of paper,

Cartman, I just need to talk to you,  
This is a missunderstanding

I throw it to Cartman's desk, who's refusing to look at it.  
I know he saw it.  
I clench my teeth and throw another note at him,  
"Mrs. Elson?" Cartman raises his hand  
Ugh, whats that asshole doing now?

"Can you tell Kahl over there to stop throwing his faggy little  
notes at me? I brain cant interpret what your saying with him distracting me"

ASSHOLE!  
I clench my fists so hard their shakeing.  
"Eric, Dont use that language in my classroom young man,  
and Kyle, Please stop passing notes" She gleems to me.

I fake a smile, as soon as she turns around,  
My eyes burn at the back of Cartman's head.  
What an asshole.  
He WOULD do that.

I just need to talk to him,  
Thats it.  
He's making it so fucking diffucult.

* * *

The class bell rang and everyone stod up from their seats walking out of the room.  
"Alright kids, remeber to study for the test thursday!" she called,  
I have one target right now.  
Cartman.  
I have to talk to him,  
"Oh and Kyle?" I hear Mrs. Elson,  
I turn to face her, "No more notes."  
I nood and walk out.

I run towards his locker,  
I have to find him now.  
I run towards it, Target him, run towards him.  
He's leaning agenst his locker talking to Kenny.

All this anger, all this built up anger I've kept inside and built  
up just burst out as I'm running towards him,  
I ran and knocked him down.  
My possition was ontop of him holding him down.

Cartman frowned,  
"Kahl?! what the hell?!  
"Just listen to me Cartman! I have to talk to you!"  
"I dont want to talk to you!"  
"Yes you do fat ass now listen!"

Everyone in the hallway seemed to be focousing on us now.  
"I dont love Stan.. alright? It was a mistake."  
I felt many eyes watching us, But I only kept mine on Cartman's  
"Please. I love you, and You fucking know that."  
Cartman frowned "No You dont."  
"Yes I do!" I yelled and forced a kiss onto his lips.

I heard gasps throughout the whole hallway.  
I was so caught in the moment I didnt care..  
Cartman kissed back and that was all I cared about.  
Finnaly.

"Kyle?" I hear Stan's voice behind us..

* * *

  
I cant believe that chapters over!  
XD  
acctually I can,  
toke forever to write.  
Hope you liked it! :)

I love you reviewers!

I'll write more tomorow.


	45. Chapter 45 The accident, And Neglect

I'm laying on top of Cartman.. in the middle of the hallway.  
I kissed him in the hallways infront of everyone.  
I must have completely lost it.

"Kyle?" I heard Stan behind me, I quickly looked behind me and Stan  
stod there with shock and disbelief in his eyes.  
"Stan.. Stan this isnt what it looks like!" I said quickly.

Stan eyes got watery, as he stared at me and Cartman on the ground.  
"Oh yeah?"  
He paused, and toke a step back while his face turned red and His eyes  
glisened.  
"Well what is it suppose to look like?" he asked quietly.

"I just. .We.. We didnt.." I searched for words.  
Oh my god..  
I frozen.

Everyone in the hallway was circuling around us.  
Stan closed his eyes and shoke his head.  
"Stan! I can explain everything, It wasent suppose to be like this!"  
Stan's eyes remained shut and he punched between his eyes.  
"I.." He said slowly.

I waited for a responce..  
Stan looked up at me and a tears were visably seen.  
"I.. I should have known."  
He turned around and walked the other way, pushing people  
behind him who were watching the scence.

"Stan!" I say getting up off Cartman, following him.  
Stan looked behind and saw me and started running.  
"Stan wait! Please! Stan!" I ran after him,  
"Leave me alone!" He yelled running faster.

Stan burst open the school doors and ran out.  
"Stan! stop!" I yelled running after him.  
I opened the school doors and started chassing him.  
"Stan!" I yelled as I watched him running across the street.

"Stan!"  
Then a light flashed onto the street and before I knew it,  
the truck toke a U-turn, Stan tried desperetly to run away  
from the vehical but it was too late.  
The driver tried slamming onto his breaks, and honked his horn  
But Stan was hit onto the ground by his tires.  
The car stopped.  
He got hit.

**"STAN!"** I yelled running to the street,  
"Oh my god!" I yelled running up to him, he was under the car,  
The driver opened the Car to get out  
"Back up! Back the fuck up your under him!"  
I yell tears streaming from my face, The driver immediatly got back in the car and Backed up.  
I found Stan laying there on the ground, laying in blood.  
"Oh my god! Stan! Stan wake up!" I say holding him in my arms,  
"Come on wake up! wake up!" I cry desperatly.  
The driver got out of his truck and kneeled next to him,  
"Somebody call an ambulance! quick! hurry!" He yelled,  
"Its alright son, you'll be ok" The driver said takeing stan from my arms,  
"Stan! Stan please dont die! dont die! oh my god! fuck! get the cops here!"  
I yell tugging onto stan,

Everyone was outside the school, the teachers were going hasterical.  
I heard Mr. Mackey on the phone with the police,  
"Stan wake up.." I pleaded,  
_"Please wake up"_

* * *

A few minneutes later Police serions were blarring in my ears plashing with Red and blue lights.  
Doctors quickly picked Stan up and placed him on a roller bed and rolled him quickly to the ambulance van.  
"Oh my god.." I wipped my eyes, "oh my god,"  
"We got a four zero nine two at South Park highschool, A student Stan marsh was hit by a vehical  
Asking service to provide at the hospital, Over" a police officer said into a walkee talkie,  
"Roger that, we have room In the South park Health emergency room Over."  
"Copy." The police officer said into the talkie.

I fell to my knees, "Oh god.. _what have I done?_"

* * *

My parents rushed to me outside the school parking lot,  
"Oh Kyle, We heard what happened! Were so sorry!" My mom grasped me into her arms,  
"Mom we have to get to the hospital!"  
My mom looked to my father uncomfortably, "Kyle, He just got in, It will take hours  
before he can have any visitors"  
"I dont care! We have to go! We have too!"  
My mom sighed. "Well.. Alright Kyle. lets go."  
She lead me to the car.

The store out the window as we drove to the hospital clutching onto my hands.  
_Please let him be Ok,  
**Please **Let him be Ok.._

We pulled into the parking lot of the southpark health hospital and I toke a deep breath.  
I was nervous for my life..  
If he dies.. If he dies, I shut my eyes, thinking of the thought while tears  
burn into my eyes,  
I'll never, **ever** forgive myself.

We walk into the hospital and walk up to the counter,  
"Hello, Were waiting On a Stan Marsh from South park highschool?"

The women typed something into the computer, then said  
"Oh yes, He just checked in a few minneutes ago, correct?"  
My mom nooded.  
"While he's getting breathing supply and blood fussions on him now.."  
"Is he going to be alright?!" I ask not waiting for her to finish.  
"Well.. I'm not sure."

My heart dropped..  
_Shes not sure?_

"If you have a seat in the waiting room, he might beable  
to have company in a few hours."  
"Alright.. come on Kyle" My dad gestured me into the other room.

I couldnt move until my dad tugged onto my coat,  
and I followed him slowly.

_She's not sure if he's going to be ok?  
_  
I covered my face with my hands and cried into them,  
My mother held me closly,  
"It'll be alright Bubby, Shhh.. Hushh.." She said comfortingly,  
"What if its not Mom? What if he.." I paused looking up at her.

My mother pat my head holding me closer, "Theres still hope Kyle" She says holding me.  
I cried onto her chest, "Its Ok bubby, shhh.. Its Ok" she said rubbing my back.  
My dad put his around me too, "Yes Kyle everything is going to be alright. It's not your fault."  
I clutched to my moms chest crying louder.

_But it is dad..** It is.**_

* * *

Two hours later Mrs. Marsh Ran to us wither her husbend,  
"Oh Shelia! Oh.. Oh my god! I'm so glad your here!"  
My mom immediatly got up and hugged her,  
"Its Ok Sharron" She says hugging her.  
"Stan will be fine, He's a tough boy"  
Mrs. Marsh cried into my mom's arms.

_This is all beacuse of me.._

Mr. Marsh Stod off to the side beside his wife,  
My dad left beside me and walked to him,  
"Randy.. You Ok?" He asks gently.  
kept his stare to the floor.  
"Do I look Ok Gerould? My son just got hit by a truck and you  
ask me if I'm ok.."  
"I didnt mean it like - -"  
"I'm Not Ok alright! What if something goes wrong?! What if.."  
My dad toke Into his arms,  
"Its Ok Randy. Its Ok" He said

Everyone was crying.  
Beacuse of me.  
I got my best friend Lying probably dead in the hospital,  
What kind of awful person am I?  
This is all my fault.  
This is all my fucking fault.

I cried into my hands again  
Please Dont die Stan, I prayed.

_Please dont leave us._

* * *

A nurse walked up to us two hours later,  
"Are you the Marsh Family?" She asked The Marshes.  
"Yes" wiped her tears, still in Her husbends arms.  
"yes, were the Marshes,"  
"I'm afriad your son went into a bit of a coma.  
That knock to the head really got to him.  
You can go in and see him now, But he's unconscious"

Hes Unconscious?

"Oh, Doctor, Will be Be alright?!  
Will my baby be alright?!" Mrs. Marsh pleaded her.

My test tightened.

"No worries Mrs. Marsh, Your son will be alright.  
He just needs to stay here at the hospital for a few days,  
He should wake up in a few hours."

Everyone sighed with relief.  
Oh thank god.  
He's going to be alright, I reasured myself.  
_He's going to be alright._

* * *

We all walked into Stan's room, Were he laid in a hospital bed.  
He had tubes sticking from his nostrols, chest and arms, hooked onto a machine making a beeping noise  
That monitored his heart rate.

"Oh Randy.. Look at our son" Mrs. Marsh said helplessly,  
"He's going to be alright Sharron. He's going to be alright" He told her.

I starred at Stan who had a bandage across his head and a few scares and bruses  
"Stan" I say, I hold my arm out to him.  
"I'm sorry" I whisper under my breath.

"Well He's going to be alright.  
He was Lucky enough to even be alive after that truck hit him.  
Though Alot of damage has still been done,  
He broke his leg and will have to be in crutches for a few months."  
The doctor told us.

"Oh dear," Mrs. Marsh put her hand to her face.  
"Yes. In the mean while, we should go back to my office so we can  
examine the rest of his injeries."  
"Oh alright" Mrs. Marsh agreed, Putting her hand out to Stan's arm.

"It's Ok sweety, You'll be fine" She says, Hugging him.  
Then Her with the rest of the adults walked out of the room and to his office.  
I stode there in the room.

I stared at him, the only sound made was the beeping noise.  
Stan laid there with his eyes closed.  
**_I did this._**

"Stan.." I say walking closer and held onto his am  
"I'm sorry dude.. I'm so fucking sorry"

_Beep, Beep, Beep.._

Stan laid there unconcious.  
I toke a deep breath.

_Beep, Beep, Beep.._

I leaned in a kissed him on the cheek then walked out of the room,  
Taking on final look at Stan laying there.  
Laying there helplessly.  
I looked down and continued to walk.  
I couldnt be in there anymore.

* * *

My Parents Were very quiet when we got home.  
I think Stan getting hit is affecting them too.  
If they knew why Stan ran they would probably hate me.

"Here Kyle, I made your favorite soup. Feel better Ok bubby?" She said  
Setting down chickennoodle soup.  
I starred into the bowl.  
I dont feel like eating. I just want to see Stan again.  
I sighed.

"Its Ok Kyle, He'll be ok" My mom told me for the hundredth time.  
"I know."

My mom and dad started eating their soup.  
I looked up at them, "Can I be excused?"  
My mom and dad looked to one another, Then gave me a sympathetic look.  
"Sure kyle." I got out of my chair and started walking towards my room.  
I laid in my bed. the rest of the night. thank god I didnt have school tomorow.

I cant believe that happened.  
I cant believe beacuse of me, Stan almost died.

* * *

I laid in my bed that morning too.  
Starring at the ceiling.  
I dont want to do anything.  
I deserve unhappiness for what I did to Stan.  
I heard my cellphone vibrate.  
I didnt bother to get it.  
A few secounds later It vibrated again four times, Then again.  
Then again, I started getting annoied so I picked it up.  
"hello?"  
"Hey dude" I heard Cartman's voice on the other line.  
I rolled my eyes. I am not in the mood for this right now.

"What do you want?"  
"Well Kahl, I was thinking after what happened yesterday you and me should  
go the the mottercross game tonight. Sense you know, You screwed me over last time."

I sat up from my bed clutching onto my cellphone.  
"Cartman, Stan's in the hospital."  
Cartman snickered. "So?"  
"So dont you care at all?!" I yelled.  
"Um.. hmm... let me think about that.. Do I care.. Do I care?"  
I slapped my hand to my head.  
"Uhhmmmm.. Nope I dont care." He said finnaly.

"Well you should care Cartman! He just got hit by a truck yesterday!"  
Silence.  
"And i should Care that he got hit by a truck beacuse.."  
"GAH! Your such an asshole Cartman! You have got to be the most selfish,  
uncaring Sadistic bastard in the world!" I yelled into the phone.

"I dont see how this says why I should care."  
"your a fucking asshole Cartman" I mumble and hung up on him.  
turning off my phone beacuse I know he'll call me back a thousand times.

I rubbed my hands to my face.  
I cant believe yesterday actually happened.

* * *

A few minneutes later I had my Mom drive me to the hospital.  
Stan's unconcious now.. but he's sleeping.  
his parents already got to talk to him.

What if he doesnt want to see me?  
Maybe I shouldnt have come.. I thought walking towards Stan's room.  
I glared, I know I wouldve come anyways.

"Here we are," The nurse says as we reach his room,  
"But dont be too loud, He still needs his rest"  
My parents nooded and we entered the room.  
"Stan?" I say quietly walking up to his bed.  
"Kyle Shh.. Remeber waht the doctor said, He needs his rest."  
"Oh right. sorry" I said, then starred at him again.

We stayed in the room for 20 minneutes while I sat in the seat next to his bed,  
Waiting, and hopeing for him to wake up.

"Yeah Ok. Alright. Bye." My dad said getting off his cellphone, and comming back into the room.  
"Kyle, Me and your mother have to go pick up Ike from soccer practice.  
Do you want to leave or stay here alittle longer?"

I looked at Stan and out my hand out to him.  
"I want to Stay here alittle longer" I said.  
"Well Ok, But dont wake him up. We'll come pick you up in a half hour."  
"Ok." I nood.  
My parents left out the room.  
I was so reliefed to see some of the tubes were removed.  
I guess That means He was doing alittle better.

I sat there in the chair next to Stan.. Just waiting.

* * *

It has been 10 minneutes now, And I'm leaning over Stan's bed in my chair,  
starring to him.  
Then I saw a sudden movement.  
I bounce up, "Stan?" I ask,  
Then slowly Stan's eye raised open.

Oh my god he's awake!

"Kyle?" He asked weakly  
I smiled.  
Stan's other eye opened, He looked around slowly,  
he looked back to me then frowned  
"What the hell are you doing here?"

I felt a bang of hurt explode in my chest, What am I doing here he asked?  
"Stan, Your in the hospital. I came to see you."  
Stan smirked, "I can see that. I'm asking why"  
"I.. Stan.. I wanted to see if you were Ok"

Stan rolled his eyes, "I'm fine, now leave."  
I felt like my heart stoped beating.  
How can he be so cold?

"Stan I thought that- -"  
"What?! You thought I forgot about the whole you and Cartman makeout  
session in the hall yesterday?!" He said sitting up from the bed

"Stan dont get up like that you might hurt yourself!" I said quickly,  
He might not have the strength yet.

"Oh dont even start acting like you care about me Kyle!" He sneered  
"Stan I do Care!" I yell back, My eyes beccoming wattery  
"Oh thats bullshit, You know what Kyle! I'm done hearing your shit,"  
"Its not shit I- -"  
"Just leave!" Stan pointed to the door,  
"Stan But I- -" I put my hand out to him  
"Dont fucking touch me" He hissed pulling his arm away  
"Stan I-"  
"Security!" He yelled  
"Stan please dont- -"  
"SECUTITY!" Stan yelled louder  
"Stan I do Care!" tears now rolling down my cheeks  
"How can you say that?!" I yell

Then a security man with a uniform comes in the room,  
"What seems to be the problem young man?"  
Stan glares at me, "Can you Get him out of here? He wont leave me alone."  
I frown, "Stan i just- -"  
The security man stepped in front of me from stan pushing me out the door,  
"Sorry Sir, If the patient doesn't want you here your going to have to leave the hospital."  
"But I just -"  
"Now!" The officer gleemed down at me,  
I looked at Stan One last time, and gave him a hopeful look which he glared off.  
I frowned. Fine. If that's the way he wants it, That's the way it will be.

* * *

I kept ignoring Cartman's calls and visits.  
I dont want to see him, or anyone.

Its been about a week now, and three days later after Stan kicked me out of the hospital,  
Stan went back to school with crutches.  
Everyone Smiled welcomming him back, you can see the pity and sorrow in their eyes.  
I'm sure even Stan can tell they just felt bad for him.

I stopped calling Stan after awhile, and visiting him.  
Accepting the fact he never wants to see or hear from me again.  
**I deserve it.**

_I didn't think it would go this far._

Whenever I used to wave at Stan or give him 'I'm sorry' looks  
He just iggnores me, rolls his eyes, or flips me off.  
He Cuts me off when I try to talk to him.  
If we were in the same room together or a few feet away from eachother,  
The vibe was tense.  
He wanted nothing to do with me.  
I lost my best friend.

I started talking to Cartman again.  
I guess were 'Back together' again.  
He said he's sorry about what he said, even though I know he didnt mean  
it I forgave him anyway.

This is a few months later.  
With me and Stan it used to be just a hateful vibe.  
But now whenever I pass him, he doesnt even glance up at me.  
Now he acts like he doesnt know me.  
He'll look up at me in the halls as if I am someone he's never seen before.  
As if we were never bestfriends, Or boyfriends, or anything at all.  
Just random people in the halls.

I hate the way this is.. I fucking hate it.  
I miss him so much.  
But It happened and theres nothing I can do about it now.

Today, right now I'm starring at Stan accross the Halls, Someone I used to know.  
He's laughing and playfully flirting with Neil Nelson, who's flirting with him back.  
He doesnt need crutches anymore and he looks totally healthy.  
I should feel jelous, seeing my ex boyfriend flirting with another guy,  
But what I acctually feel is saddness.

He pretends like I dont exsist.  
Like 'We' never exsisted.  
I cant help but get those dreams at night of when we were together,

Then I feel someones Hands grab my waists behind me, I look at Cartman Stands there.  
I look back at Stan and cartman holds me, looking in my direction and rolls his eyes,  
"Forget that asshole" He says.

I say nothing back.

"Come On, Lets go to my house and make out a bit,  
i have to go to that gayass comunity center with my mom later."

"Um ok." I say  
Cartman tugged me and I followed him towards the school doors.  
I toke one last look at Stan before we left.  
Laughing with Neil Nelson.  
I sighed, This is the way things turned out.  
I'm going to have to live on and start my life with Cartman.

Cartman walked up to me, "COME ON" He wined noticing  
I'm still stareing at Stan.  
"Oh yeah, sorry" I say walking with him.  
I love Cartman,  
I look back one last time at Stan,  
But I'll always love him too.

**The End.**

* * *

GOD I cant believe Its over!!  
XD  
But sadly, everything has to come to an end :(  
Comment. I love you all who reviewed my story through it all :D

DUN DUN DUN DUHH!!  
Rewards to my good reviewers,  
Sumoko-Chan, hypothisos, Md-prowler14, sakuraAnimeAngel,  
esmtz, sandii1485, and saruke101,

**NO ORDER,** I just went down from my Reviews and picked people.  
anyways, Thank you guys!! for reviewing my story!  
I love you guys! XD

[I based my story on songs,  
Unfaithful, By Rihanna.  
and  
Your love is a lie, By Simple plan]

Hope you read my next fanfiction I'll be writting called "Falling from grace"  
I just wrote the first chapter!  
I have some good ideas for this one.. :D hehehe..


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